Heat Stroke
by Poledra182
Summary: While Riley is freezing, Maya is slowly burning to death. Maya struggles with addiction, romance, and her career, while filling in the blanks that Riley left in her own story. Companion to, "Laws of Motion," but can be read as a standalone.
1. Dying to Live

**July 25, 2017-This story was started before the third season aired, so it is not third season compliant. As of, now, I have started a major revision; starting with chapter twenty-eight where I noticed some real problems and moving forward. I've revised this first chapter and I'm not sure when I'll get around to the rest of it. It shouldn't impact anything major with plot, but hopefully it will flow more smoothly.**

Maya's not a stranger to rejection. She's been rejected by Josh more times than she can count; enough that the sting of it has almost been lost. She was rejected from _The Nutcracker_ , the one time that had bothered to try out, ending all of her ballerina dreams. Not that they'd had the money for her to pursue them, anyway. And the crowning rejection came from her own father, when he'd walked away and never looked back.

So, she couldn't understand why Lucas's rejection of her left such an impact.

Maybe, it was because she had thought that she had a chance; that someone would pick her over her amazing best friend. That she might actually have a shot at being _enough._

What was hard, was that she wanted Riley to be happy. She loved Riley and in the back of her mind she had always known that Lucas would choose someone who built him up, instead of always tearing him down. But despite all of her trying to be what Lucas wanted, in the end, she had always known that in trying to be what he wanted, she was trying to be her best friend. There was only one Riley and she was painfully aware that she wasn't it.

"Maya, we need to talk," Lucas demanded, pounding on her window.

"You made your choice, there's nothing left to say," Maya claimed, refusing to look at him.

"Yeah, I did, but I feel like we need to do something to try and fix our friendship," Lucas suggested, his voice muted by the glass.

Maya reluctantly made her way across the room and cracked the window just enough that they could talk, but she wouldn't have to let him in. She leaned her back against the wall, not wanting to let him see any weakness as they spoke.

"Okay, tell me what you could possibly say to make this better," Maya offered, bringing her knees up to her chest.

"I really wasn't sure of my feelings, I didn't just lead you on to let you down," Lucas explained and his sincerity made it that much worse. She didn't like it when his kindness was directed at her, she was never entirely sure how to take it.

"Well, that makes everything better," Maya snorted, "Let's just pretend none of this ever happened."

"If that's what you want," Lucas hesitantly agreed and she felt slightly better that he wasn't going to insist on a heart-to-Hart. It was better if she could just keep her mask in place and go on pretending that nothing touched her.

"Just take care of her, okay? She's my sister and I want her to be happy," Maya said, trying to shove any of her ill-feelings towards him and Riley aside.

"That's what I want, too," Lucas assured her.

"Good, glad we cleared that up," Maya ended the conversation, "Now, will you please go."

"I'll see you at school," Lucas offered, "And Maya, I'm sorry."

Maya was sorry, too, but it was better not to dissect all of the negative emotions that were running through her body. The anger at Riley for being enough for him, the anger at herself for feeling that way, the part of her that still admired Lucas, even though all she wanted to do was hate him.

It was better to let them lump together; where the only thing they could target was herself.

Seeing them together isn't as bad as she thought it would be. They're both still a little awkward when it comes to holding hands or being a couple, so she's not subjected to the PDA. She mocks them and teases their relationship, just like everyone else and after a while it stops feeling so much like she's reading from a set of lines that mean nothing to her.

It helps that she's still the beautiful blonde and everyone knows it. Her confidence may be about half fake, but it's just enough that people believe it. Maya's fun, Maya's the party girl, and she has plenty of boys chasing her to keep things interesting.

She's heard all of the lectures on underage drinking and not giving in to peer pressure, but she's spent the last two years trying to be like Riley and she's just so tired of it. She wants to be wild and reckless; she wants to embrace the side of herself that's nothing like Riley.

"Hey, Maya, there's a party tonight, you in?" a boy asks, leaning against the locker next to hers. He's a junior and he's on the football team, which all factor into her decision, however, in the end it's the way he's looking at her. His eyes are scanning her body and it reminds her of what it feels like to be wanted.

"Yeah, I'm in," Maya smiles, tossing her hair as she makes her retreat. She can feel his eyes on her back and she likes the feeling.

"It's a bad idea," Riley informs her, during their next class. News that she's been asked to a party by Logan Prescott has passed through most of the school and Riley had picked up on it.

"Riles, it's just a party. I'm not getting a tattoo or buying drugs off of a street corner. It's just a social gathering, even Lucas was invited," Maya defends herself, ignoring the assignment that she's supposed to be working on.

"I've heard that there's going to be drinking," Riley informed her and Maya has no questions about where Riley stood on the subject.

"If you're so worried, you could come, too," Maya suggested, checking the clock for when class was going to end.

"My parents would be disappointed in me, they'd be disappointed in you," Riley countered and those words just happened to be Maya's breaking point.

"When are you going to stop living your life based on what they want for you? At some point, you're going to have to be your own person and make your own choices," Maya insisted, slamming the textbook closed and grabbing her things as she got ready to leave.

Riley didn't say anything as they left the classroom and Maya wondered just how upset Riley really was. She'd steered their social group clear of anything bad up until this point, but Maya happened to know that as Lucas's popularity grew, so did his desire to fit in and Riley didn't exactly fit in.

"Hey, Riley," Lucas joined them in the hallway, flashing them his signature smile, "Logan invited us to his party tonight, do you want to go?"

"I'm not sure that it's really my kind of thing," Riley admitted, her eyes deliberately trained on her feet.

"We don't have to drink anything and we can leave whenever you want," Lucas said, already knowing what Riley's hang-up would be. It sometimes bothered Maya that he seemed to know Riley on a level that it had taken Maya years to get to.

"I guess we could go," Riley offered, her voice filled with uncertainty. Maya almost felt bad for pushing her, but she hadn't been the only one.

"I'll pick you up," Lucas offered, his eyes moving to Maya. He must have already known what her answer was.

"There's no need, Huckleberry, I think I can manage," Maya snapped and she watched as the rejection registered on his face.

"Don't you think it would be better if we all went together?" Riley questioned, revealing her intentions as permanent, designated-driver. Not that Maya had ever doubted what Riley's role would be.

"If that's what you want," Maya decided, shrugging it off. It would be better to go with people that she actually knew, anyway.

"Good, that's what we'll do," Riley smiled, though it didn't quite reach her eyes.

The one party turns into two and from there it's a party after every football game. Lucas has managed to make it onto varsity and he even starts in a couple of games. Maya doesn't ask why Riley chooses not to try out for cheerleading, but she knows that something is going on with her best friend.

Normally, she would be all over it, but Riley has started going to Lucas with things and Maya's still a little annoyed by it. She can feel Riley pulling away, so Maya throws herself into art club and she pretends that she knows what she's doing. She pretends that she actually belongs somewhere, even if it does feel like she's faking it.

The parties are the only time when she actually feels like herself. She doesn't drink at the first couple and she mostly stays by Riley's side, but Riley has attached herself to Lucas and being around him reminds Maya of rejection. She doesn't want to feel rejected anymore.

It starts with one drink and she finds herself feeling lighter. The lights all seem to glow just a little bit brighter and the music is just a little louder. She doesn't care what people think of her as she dances with everyone else and for a moment she feels truly alive. She feels like she finally belongs.

There's something about that one drink that changes everything for her. Any reservations she had about alcohol go away and when people offer her drinks, she no longer hesitates. Her life starts becoming slightly blurred, but the missing time doesn't seem to matter, as long as she can feel alive for just a moment.

She can almost understand why her father would choose it over his family.

"You're going a little fast, don't you think? Maybe you should pace yourself," Lucas suggests, taking the seat next to her. Riley had claimed she was sick that night and Lucas was here on his own. It was strange seeing the two of them apart.

"I'm fine, Mr. Perfect, why don't you go find another damsel in distress to save," Maya suggested, though she did set the drink down.

"Riley asked me to keep an eye on you," Lucas informed her, "She's worried."

"And what about you? She can't be happy about your drinking," Maya pointed out, her eyes daring him to deny it.

"I don't drink nearly as much as you do," he replied.

"Something tells me that Riley doesn't notice the difference," Maya informed him, "She expects me to self-destruct, but she expects more from you."

"I know," Lucas admitted and she can see the guilt reflected in his eyes.

"You should go to her, show her that you're not the stupid jock you've been pretending to be," Maya said, her feelings slowly fading into a kind of melancholy, sadness.

"What about you?" he questioned, his eyes taking in the room of drunk teenagers.

"This party looks pretty over to me," Maya decided, getting up from her place and snagging her coat from a chair that two teenagers were making out on. Lucas followed her slowly out and she found the cool, night air sobering.

"I'm not pretending to be a stupid jock," Lucas informed her as they walked towards the subway.

"Could have fooled me," Maya laughed, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.

"My brother has leukemia," he stated and Maya's laughter instantly cut off.

"How bad is it?" Maya questioned, as she sunk down in the seat next to him.

"My parents don't really like to talk about it, but from the amount of time we spend at the hospital, it can't be just a simple fix," Lucas admitted, resting his head in his hands.

"Does Riley know?" Maya asked, unsure why he had chosen to confide in her.

"I haven't really talked to anyone about it and I'd like to keep it that way,"

"Okay," Maya agrees, though something like guilt twists within her gut.

Lucas and her don't mention that night, but it's strange knowing what he's thinking about when his eyes go distant. He's always been attentive to everything that Riley says, but there's an added layer of distraction, now, and it's strange watching Lucas and Riley pull apart. She'd thought that they were going to make it.

He stops going to the parties, but Maya can't bring herself to. They're not really parties anymore, but more of groups of teenagers breaking into their parents' liquor cabinets. Maya's own mother had an aversion to alcohol that rivaled Rileys' and knowing why made what she was doing so much worse.

But she still can't stop. Her artwork has gotten better since her life had drifted into an alcohol induced haze and her tolerance seems to go up enough that her mother is unaware of what's going on. Though she would have to be there to notice anything amiss, anyway. Her mother's always out of the house, when she's dealing with hangovers and she starts to wonder if anyone will ever notice that something is clearly wrong. She's not sure how to break the cycle and she's even less sure of how to confess that she has a problem, she doesn't want to have a problem.

"Maya," Logan greets her and Maya smiles at him, "You going to Stephen's house tonight?"

"I wouldn't miss it," Maya replied, trying to ignore the pounding in her head. She's pretty sure that she's dehydrated and all she wants is another hour of sleep, but she's trying her best to act normal.

"I'll see you there," he smirked, moving on to the group of friends that were waiting for him at the end of the hall.

"Is that really the best idea?" Lucas asks, from where he had been watching the exchange from his own locker.

"Just because you're no fun, anymore, doesn't mean that I have to be," Maya replied, rolling her eyes at him.

"Are you okay, Maya?" Lucas questions and there's such sincerity in his voice that it almost throws her off. He actually wants to know.

"I'm fine," she lies, brushing passed him on her way to class.

He catches up with her again after school, "I don't think you should go."

"You're not my keeper, Hop-Along, go back to your girlfriend," Maya insists, pulling open her locker and dumping her textbooks in it.

"I'm not letting you go by yourself," Lucas informs her and she stares at him incredulously.

"Then I guess you'll just have to come with me," she dares him, fully expecting him to say no.

"Fine."

There's something different about this party and Maya knows it from the second she and Lucas enter. For one thing, she brought her best friend's boyfriend with her and she knows that it's fifty shades of wrong and for another, Logan's eyes are trained on her from the minute that she walks through the door.

Despite their casual flirting and the occasional dance, he's never shown any interest in something long term and Maya thinks that it's just as well. She doesn't want to deal with putting herself out there and while Logan is fun, he's not the kind of guy you plan forever with, but there's something different about the way that he's looking at her. It makes her skin crawl.

"You want something to drink?" Lucas asks her and she glances up at him in surprise. He looks jittery and she gets the feeling that he's having second thoughts.

"Sure," Maya agrees, watching him disappear in the direction of the kitchen.

She takes off her coat and sets it across the back of a chair, trying to absorb the energy of the room. There's plenty of laughter and no one else seems overly concerned about what's going on, so she tries to shake the feeling off and force herself to relax.

"I'm glad you came," Logan whispers in her ear and she jumps.

"Yeah, Lucas is around here somewhere," Maya feels the need to say, wondering what the hold-up is.

"Are the two of you together?" he questions casually.

"He's dating Riley," Maya reminds him, feeling defensive. Everyone knew that Riley and Lucas were together.

"She's the mousy, brunette, isn't she? The controlling one," Logan asks.

"She's my best friend," Maya corrects him, her eyes narrowing.

"Relax, I didn't mean anything by it," Logan instantly backs off, "She doesn't seem as laid back as you are."

"I should go find Lucas," Maya decides, regretting that she hadn't gone with him in the first place.

"Wait," Logan grabs her arm and Maya has to resist the urge to pull it back, "I'm sorry, I'm sure Kylie is a wonderful person."

"Her name is Riley," Maya informs him.

"I saw that new painting that they've hung in the main office. You painted it, didn't you?" Logan changed the subject and she found herself relaxing slightly.

"Yeah, it's one of mine," Maya agrees, feeling oddly proud.

"I liked the way you blended the colors," he complimented her.

"Thanks," Maya replies and they lapse into an awkward silence.

"Do you maybe want to go somewhere quieter?" he asks and a voice that sounds an awful lot like Riley starts shouting warnings in her head.

"I think I'd better go check on Lucas," Maya decides, but she's pulled back again by the arm that he's still holding.

"Come on, Maya, you flirt with me all the time," he snapped, seeming irritated. His eyes are out of focus and she wonders how much he's had to drink.

"It's harmless," Maya insists, pulling her arm out of his grip. She can already feel the bruises starting to form.

"It doesn't feel harmless," he closes the distance between them and she can feel as her back hits the wall.

"Stop," Maya attempts to push him away, but he's stronger than her and he has plenty of height on her.

"You stop," Logan replies and his breathe brushes against her face. It makes her want to gag.

"Let me go, I'm going home," Maya informs him, still trying to push him away, despite the fact that she knows she's stuck. She's felt out of control with the drinking, but this is entirely different. This is her feeling helpless and no one around her seems to notice.

"Maya," he somehow manages to make her name sound completely wrong and she gets no warning before his lips descend on hers and she feels ready to gag. She continues trying to shove him off, but he just holds her tighter and panic starts to build up within her.

As quickly as it had started, the kiss was over and Lucas was pulling him off of her. He lands a solid punch to Logan's face and Logan doubles over.

"Maya, get out of here," Lucas calls before Logan straightens out and faces him.

"What was that for, Friar?" Logan demands, wiping the blood from his lip and turning on Lucas.

"You forced yourself on my friend," Lucas replied, dodging as Logan took a swing at him.

"Your friend or your mistress?" Logan questions and Maya knows the exact instant that Lucas sees red.

A part of her knows that she should stay and make sure that Lucas is okay, but people are hurrying out the front door and she can see as furniture is being knocked over in the scuffle.

"Maya, go!" Lucas shouts, as Logan lands a punch in his gut and Lucas doubles over.

This time Maya listens and she suddenly finds herself rushing through the streets with no idea where to go. She can feel Logan's hands touching her skin and the taste of him is in her mouth. She pauses to throw up in a nearby bush and she wonders when her life got so off track.

She'd left her jacket at the party and she suddenly finds herself shivering. She wants more layers to cover herself with and she wants a scalding shower to try and erase any trace that Logan had ever touched her.

She has no idea how she ends up outside of Josh's dorm room. He's rejected her enough times that he should be the last person that she goes to, but somehow she's ended up in the area and she knows that she can't go home and be alone. She also knows that she can't go to Riley and tell her that she almost got her boyfriend killed.

"Maya, what are you doing here?" Josh asks, approaching from down the hallway.

"I don't know," Maya admits, trying to get her thoughts in order, "This is a mistake, I should go."

"You shouldn't be wandering around at night," Josh disagrees, opening his door and gesturing for her to go inside.

She reluctantly enters his dorm room, glancing around at the mess. There are clothes all over the floor and posters of bands on the walls.

"My roommate said he'd be out all night," Josh informed her, turning on the lights.

"This is weird," Maya admitted.

"You want to talk about it?" Josh questioned, clearing some of the clothing and sinking into the desk chair.

"Not really," Maya replied, folding her arms and staring intently at the ground.

"You don't think that I've done my fair share of stupid things?" Josh asked and she shook her head.

"Did you ever get your best friend's boyfriend killed?" Maya questioned, sinking down on the bed.

"That's a new one," he admitted and for a second he reminded Maya of Riley's father.

"Riley's going to be so upset," Maya groaned, resting her head in her hands.

"This isn't an actual death situation, right? I'm not going to have to help you hide any bodies?" Josh checked and she glared at him for trying to joke at a time like this.

"I was at a party," Maya confessed.

"I've been to a few of those," Josh allowed and she found it oddly nice that she wasn't receiving any judgement.

"This guy tried to force himself on me and Lucas defended me, like the knight in shining armor that he has to be," Maya snorted, "He shouldn't have even been there, but I dared him to go."

"None of that actually sounds like your fault," Josh pointed out, leaning back in his chair.

"I'm a bad influence, haven't you heard? I drink too much, I wear too little, and I have feelings for my best friend's boyfriend," Maya laughed, hysteria taking over as she realized that she had hit rock bottom.

"Wait, you have feelings for Friar?" Josh pressed, looking at her strangely.

"You didn't really expect me to wait around for you forever," Maya said, surprised by the look in his eyes.

"I thought you were in it for the long game," he replied. His phone going off lets her off the hook for trying to reply.

"Riley? What's wrong?" Josh demands and Maya moves to the other end of the bed, so that she can hear better.

"It's Lucas; he's completely covered in blood and his head is cracked open and I don't know what to do. I can't take him to the hospital because he's been drinking and I have no idea where Maya is," Riley rambles and Maya feels guilty as she hears the concern in her best friend's voice. She doesn't deserve it.

"Maya's with me," he informs her, his eyes trailing to Maya.

"What do I do about the cut on his head?" Riley questions and Maya finds herself reflecting on her trips to the E.R. She was reckless enough to have had plenty of experience.

"Tell her to use superglue," Maya suggests and Josh looks at her in surprise, "It's what they would do at the hospital. I have the scar to prove it."

"In the ER, they superglue it closed," Josh repeats.

"Superglue? Your great idea is superglue?" Riley rants and Maya can tell that she's close to going into shock and being completely useless.

"Unless you want to try sewing it closed," Josh says and Maya finds herself oddly impressed that he knows how to snap Riley out of it.

"Okay, so I get the superglue and I," Riley trails off and Maya worries that she's done something like pass out.

"Pinch the cut, and glue it closed," Josh says patiently and it's Maya's turn to be surprised that he knows what he's talking about.

"I'm not a doctor," Riley groans.

"Neither am, I, Riley. You can do this," Josh assures her.

"Okay, I can do this," Riley repeats and then she's laughing; the kind of laughing that Maya associates with complete mental breakdowns.

"I want you text me, when you get things under control," Josh breaks through her laughter and Riley quickly cuts off.

"Okay, thank you," is the last thing that they hear before the phone goes dead.

"Maybe we should go and help," Maya says, biting her lip, as she considers Riley's description of how Lucas is and the laughter that suggests Riley might not be much better off.

"If we show up there, then Riley will get caught and we'll all be in trouble," Josh replies.

"I can't believe this is happening," Maya groans, running her hands through her hair in agitation.

"I got a cut on my head once," Josh informed her, pulling her out of her thoughts, "It was a skateboarding accident, I did something completely stupid and there was a ton of blood. I thought my parents were going to kill me."

"Did they?" Maya questioned, interested despite her efforts not to be.

"After everything that happened at the hospital, they were mostly just relieved that I was okay, but that wasn't the point of my story," Josh answered.

"You're just like your brother, trying to turn everything into a moral lesson," Maya shook her head.

"There wasn't a moral to the story, either, except for maybe don't be stupid," Josh added as an afterthought, "My point was that I survived and lived to talk about it."

"I'm a complete mess. I spend more time hungover, then I do sober and I'm barely passing most of my classes. Something like this could have easily happened a long time ago, Lucas wasn't even supposed to be there, tonight. What if he hadn't been?" Maya rambled, not wanting to have her thoughts locked up in her head anymore. She could feel the tears that were gathering in her eyes, but Maya didn't cry and she had no intention of crying in front of the person that had spent so much time rejecting her.

"You're safe," Josh reached out, taking her hands in his. The chair had rolled forward and their knees were inches apart. It wasn't the closest that they had ever been, but it was the first time that he had initiated the contact.

"I don't know what to do," Maya admitted, blinking and looking at the ceiling in an attempt to keep the tears from falling.

"You don't have to do this alone," Josh informed her.

"I'm not bringing Riley into this, I'm not letting anyone else get hurt because of my stupid mistakes," Maya insisted, pulling one of her hands away from his to wipe away the tears that she couldn't stop from coming.

"I'll help you," Josh promised and she suddenly didn't care about the tears that were falling down her face. For a minute she let herself hope and then reality hit her.

"Don't make promises that you can't keep," Maya pulled away from him, folding her arms in an attempt to create some distance.

"I mean it, Maya, we'll both get you whatever help that you need. I'll help you with your homework and I'll help you figure things out," Josh said, his eyes earnest.

"I'm not some broken toy that you can just fix," Maya snapped, standing up and moving away from him, "I've been killing off the good parts in me and I don't think that there's any getting them back."

"I don't believe that," Josh argued and Maya found herself wondering what it was about the Mathew's family that made them feel a need to take in strays and try to fix everything.

"I'm going home," Maya decided, but he blocked her way to the door.

"Get some sleep, we can talk in the morning," Josh said, gesturing to the bed that she instinctively knew was his.

"I don't plan on being here when you wake up," Maya informed him, moving over to the bed and curling up anyway.

"I don't plan on sleeping," Josh countered.


	2. Prelude

There are these periods of time that exist between moments. They're the time when the decisions are made; come or go, leave or stay, do it, don't do it. They're the period when you're completely alone because no one can make those decisions, but you. You usually remember what comes after and not the prelude that leads up to it, but Maya can remember. She's spent enough time in those preludes to recognize them.

 _"_ _It's my savings account, Kermit. I had plans," her mother was saying, standing in front of the television that was blaring._

 _"_ _It's always money with you. Guess what? Your acting career isn't going anywhere and I don't think that even you can pretend that this life we're living is anything like we hoped it would be," Kermit snapped, standing to face his wife._

 _"_ _You said that you supported my dreams."_

 _"_ _That was before you got pregnant," he retorted, "That was before we had a child."_

 _"_ _Before you lost your job," Katy countered and Maya could see the tears that were running down her mother's face._

 _"_ _That wasn't my fault."_

 _"_ _It never is. I'm working two jobs to keep a roof over our head, to have food for us. So, if I wanted to have some money put away for when."_

 _"_ _When what, Kaitlyn? When you decide to leave me?" He pressed and Katy wiped furiously at her tears._

 _"_ _Can you blame me? You come home drunk most nights and you sleep late," Katy whispered, staring at him accusingly._

 _"_ _You don't get to leave. I gave up everything for you when you got pregnant and you don't get to leave," there's a moment where Katy and Kermit just stare at each other, the moment where the decisions are made, and then he's leaving, grabbing his jacket off of a chair and slamming the door behind him._

Despite what he said, Josh is sleeping when Maya wakes up the next morning. She has a headache and her entire body is shaking, even though she didn't drink the night before. She rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling of his dorm room.

There's a part of her that wants to stay and accept his help, but there's another part of her that wants to leave before she has to face him in the morning light. He may not be as innocent as Riley, but he still has the same optimistic glow. In sleep, he looks younger, which is funny because he's always acting like there are a million years between them.

She slowly slides out of his bed, grabbing her shoes from where she had taken them off and set them on the floor. The door creaks when she opens it and she glances back at him with worry, but he continues to sleep. He doesn't have anything to haunt him and she'd like to keep it that way.

She puts on her shoes in the hall and then she's leaving. She finds herself looking back several times because she feels as though she's left something important behind, but she shakes it off and keeps moving.

 _Maya's not entirely sure what her father has been drinking, but bottles litter most of the living room. Maya watches as her mother steps around her sleeping father, gathering the bottles and tossing them into a garbage bag. She's still wearing her work clothes and she smells like French fries, but what really catches Maya's attention is how old she looks. Taking care of her father is slowly wearing her mother down._

 _"_ _Baby, why aren't you playing in your room?" Katy looks up, catching Maya listening in the hall._

 _"_ _I want to help you," Maya suggests._

 _"_ _I don't ever want you to touch these things," Katy replied, throwing away another bottle, "I've got this. Go play."_

"Maya, it's good to see you," Rebecca Friar answers the door. Maya's never seen Rebecca anything less than collected, but her hair is falling out of its ponytail and her clothes are wrinkled, as though she slept in them.

"I'm sorry to stop by so early, but I was hoping to see Lucas," Maya explained, wondering how her own appearance was.

"He's still sleeping, but you're welcome to go and wake him up," Rebecca suggested, stepping out of the way, so that Maya could come inside.

Maya paused as she moved in the direction of Lucas's room, "How are you doing, Mrs. Friar?"

"I'm tired," Rebecca admitted, "But there will be plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead. Will you tell Lucas that I'm headed to the hospital?"

"I can do that," Maya agrees.

Maya hesitantly makes her way down the hall, pausing outside of Lucas's door. She knocks twice before she enters and sees him sprawled out on his bed. Whatever courage she had coming over had instantly evaporated and she's suddenly at a loss for what to say.

"Maya?" his voice groans.

"How are you?" Maya keeps her eyes trained on the ground as he flips on his bedside lamp.

"I've been better," Lucas snorts and Maya glances up to take in the damage. There's a bandage on his head, but his face is free of bruising and a long sleeve shirt covers whatever other injuries he might have had.

"I just wanted to apologize, for last night," Maya bites her lip, wondering why she's acting so timid. Maya has never been timid.

"I chose to go," Lucas pointed out, "And it was probably a good thing."

"You and Riley?"

"I don't know," Lucas replied.

A wave of nausea hit Maya before she could say anything else and she sprinted across the hallway to his bathroom, leaning over the toilet as she lost whatever food had yet to be digested. Her throat burned and her stomach ached, but she sat back relieved when it was over. Her head was continuing to pound, but the cool, tile of the floor was enough to distract her from the pain.

"What's wrong?" Lucas questioned, appearing in the doorway.

"Nothing, it's nothing," Maya insisted, wishing that he wasn't seeing her like this.

"You're shaking," Lucas commented, taking a step towards her.

"I'm cold," Maya lied, leaning over to flush the toilet, but unable to find the strength to get up off the floor.

"I didn't see you drink anything last night and Riley said you were with Josh. You're going through withdrawals, aren't you?"

"Stick to your own problems, Huckleberry," Maya snapped, trying to use the edge of the tub to help herself get up and failing.

"My problems happen to be tangled up with yours," he reminded her.

"Not all of them," Maya attempted to distract him, "Your mother said she was headed to the hospital."

"Nick's not doing very well," Lucas sighed, sinking down next to her on the floor.

"You should tell Riley. You know she would understand," Maya said.

"Yeah, I know."

 _"_ _You haven't even moved," Katy complained as she entered the apartment._

 _"_ _I've checked the wanted ads," Kermit replied as Katy helped Maya out of her coat and sent her in the direction of her bedroom. Maya knew that she shouldn't listen, but she couldn't help herself._

 _"_ _How about instead of just checking you go to an interview or you fill out an application," Katy pleaded, turning off the TV and leaning against the stand._

 _"_ _There aren't a lot of people looking for retired guitarists. I don't exactly have a lot of job qualifications," he snapped and Katy closed her eyes as she tried to keep from snapping._

 _"_ _I can't keep doing this. You're weighing me down; you're weighing Maya down. She deserves better than this, can't you see that?"_

 _"_ _None of this was what I wanted," Kermit groaned, running his hand through his hair, "I wanted to play with my band. I wanted to be out touring with them. Instead, I'm stuck here, listening to you constantly nag."_

 _"_ _I didn't get myself pregnant," Katy snapped, "I wanted to be an actress, I had dreams, too, but you put those on hold when you become a parent."_

 _"_ _The difference between your dreams and my dreams are that I actually was achieving them. Now both of us are going nowhere," he said, gesturing her to move from where she was standing._

 _"_ _If you're so unhappy, then maybe you should leave," Katy suggested, her hands moving towards the door, "If you don't want to be here, if you don't want a life with me, or with our amazing daughter, then you should just get out."_

 _"_ _Katy," Kermit groaned._

 _"_ _I mean it, all you're doing is wasting my money and slowly killing yourself. If you can't be here and be someone that I can depend on, then I don't want you here."_

 _"_ _Don't say things that you don't mean."_

Maya falls into bed as soon as she's home and tries to sleep off the worst of her headache. She wants to stop thinking and she wants to stop feeling. She wants to stop hurting.

"Maya?" her mother's voice calls through the apartment.

"In here," Maya groans, pulling her covers around her.

"I didn't hear you come in last night," Katy sighed, flipping on the light as she entered Maya's room.

"I was out late with some friends," Maya lied, watching as her mother took her in.

"Next time, I would appreciate a phone call," Katy commented, moving over to Maya's bed and sitting on the edge.

"I'm sorry," Maya apologized, burying her head in her pillow.

"Are you feeling okay?" Katy questioned, playing with a strand of Maya's hair.

"No, I think I have the flu."

"You feel a little warm," Katy informed her, her hand moving to Maya's forehead.

"I just need to sleep," Maya assured her.

"Okay," Katy agreed, leaning over to kiss Maya's cheek.

 _"_ _It's been a week, Mom," Katy is saying as Maya look through the crack into her parent's bedroom. Her mother is on the phone and Maya can tell that she's been crying._

 _"_ _I didn't actually expect that he would just leave. His things are gone and I've talked to his friends and no one will tell me where he is. Maya keeps asking and I just don't know what to tell her," Katy says, her head falling into her hands, "No, it can't be better. Maya deserves a father and I don't know that I can do this on my own."_

 _"_ _Mom?" Maya asked, slowly entering the room._

 _"_ _Hi, Baby, I'm just finishing this phone call and I'll come and fix you some dinner," Katy forced a smile, rubbing at the tears on her face._

 _"_ _What's wrong?" Maya questioned, leaning against the edge of the bed._

 _"_ _Nothing's wrong," Katy assured her, "Your grandmother is talking about coming and staying with us for a while. Wouldn't that be fun?"_

 _"_ _What about Daddy?" Maya asked, watching as her mother's face crumbled._

 _"_ _I don't know," Katy admitted._

"I don't want to talk to you," Maya informs Josh as she leaves the high school.

"Well, that's too bad because we're going to talk," Josh insisted, following her down the street.

"I'm fine," Maya pulls him aside as a group of her classmates pass, "I haven't had a drink in almost a week."

"Your eyes are bloodshot and you look like you've lost weight," Josh commented, staring intently at her.

"I'm not your problem," Maya insists, folding her arms across her chest.

"When I said that I wanted to help you, I meant it," Josh informed her.

"People like me; we wear the people around us down. We destroy things, especially ourselves, and we disappoint the people who bother to believe in us. So, Josh, let it go," Maya snapped, refusing to look at him.

"Riley says that you're not talking to her," Josh said, refusing to back down.

"I went to a party with her boyfriend and got him beat up, I don't know why she would want me to," Maya pointed out.

"She loves you, Maya. My family loves you, I," Maya cut him off before he could finish.

"You don't love me. You've made that very clear."

"I care about you, I care about how what you're doing is going to affect my family," he retorted.

"It's not going to do anything to them because I'm staying away from them," Maya replied, moving passed him to continue down the street.

"You need people around you who can support you through this," Josh pleaded.

"I'm sober, I'm fine. I don't have a problem anymore, Josh, so you can go back to whatever you were doing before this," Maya suggested, refusing to turn around.

Later that night she finds herself staring into the mirror. She can easily see the parts of herself that she got from her father. She has his thick hair and his eyes. Her facial structure is all her Mom, but the parts that belong to her father seem to stand out. They seem to define her.

 _"_ _He served me with divorce papers," Katy said as she entered the apartment, "Maya, what are you still doing up?"_

 _"_ _She was having trouble sleeping," her grandmother admitted, looking up from the book that she was reading to Maya._

 _"_ _Well, why don't you go hop into bed and I'll come tuck you in," Katy suggested, dropping her purse on the ground._

 _"_ _Okay," Maya hesitantly agreed, moving in the direction of her room._

 _"_ _This is a good thing, Kaitlyn," her grandmother said, "Now you can finally move on."_

 _"_ _I didn't want to move on, Mother. I wanted him to come back," Katy sobbed, collapsing onto the couch._

 _Maya doesn't remember much about her parent's divorce, but she remembers when her mother changes both of their names. Her mother makes a day of it and they both go down to the social security office to have it officially changed. Afterwards, her mother takes her out for ice cream._

 _"_ _You're a Hart now," Katy smiles as Maya licks the cone._

 _"_ _What does that mean?" Maya questions, her attention turning from what she's eating._

 _"_ _It means that we can move on with our lives and that you're like me; you belong with me," Katy replied, smiling._

Maya snaps awake from the nightmare, tears gathering in her eyes as she takes in her surroundings and realizes that she's safe. She's been having the same dream every night and no matter what she does she can't seem to escape. It always starts with her entering the party, but Lucas never comes to her rescue, and she always wakes up with a bitter taste in her mouth and the feeling of burning hands on her skin.

Her phone buzzes on her nightstand and she grabs it answering it without looking at the caller ID, "Hello?"

"Maya, I'm sorry to call you so late. It's just, I just ended things with Lucas," Riley said, her voice sounding dead.

"What? What happened?" Maya demanded, getting up to pull on her clothes.

"We went in different direction," Riley informed her, "I don't want you to come over."

"Why not?" Maya questioned, hurt rising in her chest. Riley blamed her for the break up.

"I'm okay, I just thought that you would want to know."

"Riley," Maya tried, but Riley cut her off.

"I'll see you in school."

The phone went dead and Maya stared at it in shock. Maya and Riley had always faced everything together and Riley didn't want her to face this with her. Riley didn't need her or want her help.

Maya dialed Lucas's number and waited as it rang, drumming her fingers against her leg.

"Maya?" Lucas answered, his voice sounding more affected then Riley's had been.

"What happened?" Maya demanded, trying to wrap her mind around everything that was happening.

"It was for the best, Riley deserves better then what I can give her," Lucas said, automatically knowing what she was talking about.

"What are you talking about? You're Mr. Perfect, you're her knight in shining armor," Maya insisted.

"I don't feel like any of those things, anymore," Lucas snapped.

"Why can't you just tell her what's going on in your life?" Maya returned, her voice rising with his.

"Because none of it matters, my brother has been given six months to live. Six months, Maya, he's not even going to live to see his next birthday. My mother won't even speak to my father since he sided with Nick over ending the treatments. I don't even get a say in what's going on, so I don't have the energy, or the strength, to be what Riley deserves. And I can't talk to her about it because I know exactly how she'll react."

"But you'll talk to me?" Maya pointed out, trying to stay mad at him and failing.

"If I tell Riley what's going on, she'll forgive me. She'll just forgive me and take me back after everything that I've done, but I won't deserve it. Everything that she told me is right. We don't have a future together until I figure myself out," Lucas explained.

"But if she doesn't go through this with you, then will you have a future?"

 _It's been years and Maya knows that she shouldn't do it, except she knows the name on the flier. She recognizes her father's face standing between the lead singer and another guy that's holding drum sticks. He's playing at a park and it would be easy enough to just go and watch. Her mother's working late and her grandmother doesn't check on her after she goes to bed. All she would have to do is slip through her window and be back by morning._

 _She spends all week thinking about what she's going to say to him. What she could tell him that would make him want to come home. She can remember her mother telling him to leave, but if he had known how badly she wanted him to stay, maybe he would have._

 _No one seems to pay attention to her as she slips into the crowd and towards the stage. She can see the band getting ready to play and she watches her father with wide eyes. He's captivating and the crowd around her seems to agree. She can't take her eyes off of him as they go through song after song._

 _He looks different then how she remembers him. His hair is shorter and he looks more alive. There's a smile on his face and Maya can't remember the last time that she saw her father smile._

 _She waits until the end to slip around the back and search him out. She's not entirely sure what she's going to say, but she knows that she has to say something. She has to find the perfect words that will convince him of how badly she wants him in her life._

 _She finds him packing up his guitar and takes a hesitant breath as she moves towards him, but before she can reach him another woman comes up behind him and wraps her arms around his neck._

 _"_ _Hey, you were amazing," the woman smiles and he turns around to kiss her._

 _"_ _Daddy," a little girl calls, running up behind him and grabbing his legs. She can't be more than three, but Maya feels her heart stop beating._

 _"_ _Hey, Baby Girl, did you have fun?" Kermit asks, picking up the child and cradling her in his arms._

 _"_ _She couldn't take her eyes off of you," the woman informs him, smiling at the both of them fondly._

 _"_ _We should get her home," Kermit said, as the child sagged in his arms._

 _"_ _I'm exhausted," the woman agreed and as she turned Maya was able to see the noticeable baby bump that the woman had._

 _Maya quickly darted away before they could catch sight of her. Tears burn her eyes and she can't bring herself to process what she just saw. All of her hopes for the night were so incredibly stupid and she should have known better. She should have known that her father wouldn't just wait around, that he had moved on with his life._

 _She wiped furiously at them as she made her way home. She couldn't believe that she had let herself hope, when every time that she did, it only left her with disappointment._

"Hey, Nick," Maya greets Lucas's brother, smiling as she sees the brothers playing a video game in their living room.

"Maya," he returns, giving her a smile filled with missing teeth. If you looked past how thin he was and the missing hair, he looked like any other child.

"What are you doing here?" Lucas questions and Maya bites her lip as she thinks through her answer.

"Can we talk for a minute?" Maya gestures back the way she had come and Lucas nods.

"I'll be right back," he promises Nick, handing him the controller as he follows Maya out of the room.

"I'm a broken mess, you know that, and we both know that I'm dragging Riley down with all of the choices that I've made. I got thinking about what you said and I realized that you were describing me," Maya admitted.

"You've seemed better, lately," Lucas offered.

"I don't feel better, I can't sleep and all I can think about is how much better I would feel if I were drinking," Maya said, wrapping her arms around herself, "But that's not what I was trying to say. I just wanted you to know that I understand what you were saying and I'm sorry for pushing you. I can't even imagine what you're going through."

"My family is going to Texas for the summer," Lucas informed her, "Maybe you should come with us. Maybe it would help if you could get away from everything for a while."

"I couldn't do that to your family, especially now," Maya protested, glancing over her shoulder at where she could see Nick still playing.

"My mom loves you and it might be good for my family to have a buffer," Lucas admitted, rubbing his eyes. Maya took in how tired he looked and she'd been able to feel how heavy the atmosphere was from the minute that she had walked in.

"Okay."

 **Thanks for reading! The past few days have been crazy and I'm still in the process of writing the latest chapter of, "Laws of Motion." I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


	3. Lies We Tell Ourselves

**Warning: This chapter is leading up to Maya's drug use and I'm not going to shy away from the topic. I'm not going to go beyond the rating of this story, but some of themes explored may be closer to a later night TV show. I do not condone or support any kind of experimentation when it comes to medication and if you have a problem, I advise you to seek help.**

Humans like to break up time into manageable pieces; probably so that it doesn't seem as terrifying as it is to look out and see the endless expanse of everything that is out of their control. There are days, weeks, hours, minutes, but sometimes it's all you can do to get from second to second, which is exactly how Maya feels.

She feels as though she's slowly drowning and every time she catches a glimpse at the surface of the water, she can't quite get close enough to get a breath of air. There's so much weight pressing onto her and no one has any idea what she's experiencing. No one knows what it's like to fear that you're becoming everything that you never wanted to become.

Maya comes in to school late to clean out her locker. She's hoping to avoid the crowd of younger kids who will all want to get it done early and she doesn't want to wait in line for her yearbook. She just wants to get everything done that she needs to and to get out.

She puts in the familiar combination and starts shoving the pictures from her locker door into her backpack. There's plenty of her and Riley, a few of Zay and Farkle. She'd removed everything of Lucas when he had picked Riley and there's a jagged edge to a picture that she tore him out of.

"Maya," the voice that haunts her nightmares says and she has to take a moment to steady herself before she can turn around. She knows that the hall is empty and her heart speeds up at the possibilities of what he wants from her.

"What do you want, Logan?" Maya snapped, inching her way around him so that she wasn't pinned to the walls.

"I wanted to return your jacket," Logan held it out and Maya hesitated before she reached out and took it from him, "Friar's pretty protective of you."

"He's a good friend," Maya refused to turn her back to him, tucking the jacket into her arm.

"Guys who fight for someone like that, have more than friendship on their minds," Logan snorted, backing up several steps.

"Not Lucas," Maya felt the need to insist, glad to have the expanding space.

"You ever heard of the Peter Pan Complex?" Logan questioned, pausing in his retreat. His eyes were lit up and it made Maya uncomfortable.

"No," Maya replied, hoping that the blunt dismissal would convince him to just go.

"Guys like having a Wendy; someone who will look out for them and look at them like they're special. They like the good-girls, but at the end of the day, all of us want a chance with a Tinker Bell. We want someone who drives us a little crazy," he smiled and Maya instinctively took a step back, "Guess which one you are?"

Maya couldn't find the words to respond, but she watched as he made his way around the corner and out of her line of sight. There were goosebumps coating her skin and the same nausea from her last encounter with him threatened to overcome her. She kept her eyes trained on the hallway as she finished clearing out her locker and left it open for whoever would inspect it next.

Pulling her backpack onto her back she headed in the direction of the library, where they were supposed to be handing out yearbooks. She felt a sudden need to get out of the building as quickly as possible. Her skin was crawling.

The sound of footsteps heading in her direction, had her ducking into the restroom and around the corner. Logically, she knew that Logan was probably long gone, but why risk another encounter?

"Logan said that she was headed this way," a voice said, pausing just in front of the bathroom.

"I just don't see Maya Hart bringing drugs onto school property. She's a little rough around the edges, but she's a good girl," Mr. Mathew's voice returned and Maya froze in shock.

"Logan was very clear about seeing her shove a pill bottle into her jacket," the man said, his voice sounding stern.

"It could have been anything," Cory disagreed, "It's the last day of school and I think we should just let it go."

"If she is dealing or using, I would imagine that she'll still be doing it next year," the man seemed to shrug it off, "You'll keep an eye on her?"

"She's my daughter's best friend, of course I will," Cory insisted, his voice starting to fade as they continued down the hall.

Maya hesitantly reached her hand into the pocket and pulled a prescription bottle out. It wasn't hers and the label to whoever it belonged to had been torn off, but she could still make out the, "Oxy," in the title. Logan had tried to get her set up for bringing drugs onto school property.

She didn't bother with getting her yearbook and instead made her way out the nearest exit.

"Going somewhere?" Riley questioned, entering Maya's room and sitting on her bed. Maya's bag was open on the bed and she was currently stuffing clothes into it. A part of her was angry, but another part of her just wanted to be out of the city.

"Yeah," Maya replied, refusing to look at Riley. She didn't want to lie, but she wasn't going to tell Riley the truth, either. Riley had been a mess since the break up and Maya wasn't going to do anything to make her feel worse.

"You going to tell me where?" Riley pressed, staring intently at her feet. Maya knew that Riley was putting on an act, but she could barely handle her own problems. Riley would get beyond her heartbreak.

"Art camp," Maya lied, turning her back to Riley as she snagged her sketchbook and colored pencils off of her desk.

"You didn't tell me you were going," Riley pointed out, but under the hurt in her voice, Maya could detect something that was a lot like relief. It made her feel slightly better that her best friend needed space, too.

"It was a last minute decision, I just need to get away for a while," Maya said, glad that she could at least tell a partial truth.

"Uncle Josh asked about you," Riley informed her and Maya felt her spine go tense.

"What did he say?" She asked, wishing that she didn't care.

"He just said that he's worried that you're a little lost," Riley replied, her voice gentle.

"You can't be lost when you know exactly where you're going," Maya replied, zipping the bag closed. It wasn't where she wanted to go in life, but she knew where she was, all the same.

"Maya," Riley sighed and Maya knew that Riley wanted to bridge the gap. She wanted to return their friendship to exactly what it was, even after all of the mistakes that Maya had made and all that it had cost Riley.

"I'll write," Maya suggested. She wanted to go back too, but she wasn't sure how to and she wasn't going to drag Riley down with her.

"But you hate writing," Riley replied and it was strange that the person who knew her best in the world, couldn't see how distorted Maya had become. She was the same Maya that Riley knew, but she also wasn't. All of her interests and preferences were the same, but she felt like an entirely different person.

"Take care of yourself, Little Plant," Maya said, letting the words serve as her goodbye.

"Dad said that you didn't come in to pick up your yearbook," Riley pulled the book out from under her arm, "I thought you might want it."

"Thanks," Maya hesitantly took it from her, staring at the school's logo that took up most of the cover.

"Whatever happens, I love you, Maya," Riley assured her, pulling her into a hug.

"I love you, too," Maya replied, trying to ignore the guilt that was eating her alive.

She flips through the yearbook after Riley leaves and isn't surprised to find that Riley has already written out a sentimental message. She knows that the rest of her friend group met up earlier that day to sign yearbooks at, "Topanga's," but she hadn't made it there herself. There are messages from most of her friends and even a few lines from Mr. Mathew's telling her that she was welcome to come to him if she ever had any problems. She knows exactly what he's talking about, but she'd rather not admit to the kind of trouble that she's gotten herself into. Not when there are still people who believe that there's good in her.

Her art is featured in a section and she's pictured with the art club. Looking at herself in the picture is strange because she can barely recognize the person looking back. She looks thinner then what she should and the shadows under her eyes aren't nearly as concealed as what she had tried for that day. She can barely remember taking the picture a few months ago, but her bloodshot eyes are a dead giveaway that she's into some kind of trouble.

Maya shuts the book and shoves it under her bed, hoping that it will get lost along with the evidence of her weakness and the many mistakes that she's made. Her jacket is sitting on the edge of the bed, just inches from where Riley had sat down and she finds herself reaching over and pulling out the bottle.

She knows that she should get rid of the bottle of prescriptions pills. Why would she hang onto anything that was given to her by Logan? But there's something inside of her that just won't let her. She holds the bottle in her hands and shifts it back and forth; listening as the pills shuffle around and bump into each other. She should get rid of them, she knows that, and she will, but not in her own home. She tucks them into the bottom of her bag and heads for the door.

Travis Friar is every bit as imposing as his son. He's tall, with broad shoulders and the same sandy hair that Lucas has. However, Lucas's eyes are all his Mom's. They look like an almost perfect family and Maya would have been jealous of them if she wasn't in on all the angst.

Nick appears happy to be going home, but he tunes out the world around him with the set of headphones in his ears. Rebecca has Nick's hand clutched in her own and she shows no obvious signs that she's ever going to let go. Travis sits on the opposite site; his eyes distant and haunted.

"You seem jumpy," Lucas commented, from the seat next to her. They're in the airport, waiting on their plane and Maya can't help feeling that she's somewhere that she really doesn't belong.

"I'm fine," Maya insists, forcing herself to focus on her surroundings.

"You keep saying that," Lucas informed her, his eyes telling her that he doesn't believe her.

"Because it's true," Maya rolls her eyes, shifting away from him in her seat.

"Does Riley know?" Lucas questions and Maya doesn't have to ask about what.

"I told her that I'm spending the summer at art camp," Maya replied, folding her arms.

"How did she seem to you?" Lucas pressed and Maya resisted the urge to groan.

"Why don't you call her and ask?"

"We're boarding," Rebecca cut into their conversation, not releasing Nick from her grip as they moved towards the plane. She seemed anxious and her movements were agitated.

"This should be fun," Maya commented, following along behind them.

She slept through most of the plane ride and tried to ignore the obvious moping that Lucas was doing. She wished that she could tease him for pining for Riley, but she knew that he was upset about more than that. She wondered if he could even separate all of the emotions he was feeling.

"I think this is the longest you've ever gone without teasing me," Lucas said, when it was time to get off.

"I can't become predictable," Maya shrugged, tossing her hair over one shoulder.

They made their way through the airport and were picked up by a car service. Maya had known that Lucas's family wasn't exactly in the grips of poverty, but they hadn't traveled first class. The house that the car took them to, suggested that maybe they should have.

"This is the family home," Lucas informed her, his voice low enough that the rest of his family couldn't hear.

"You were holding out on us the last time we were here," Maya said, trying to remain unaffected.

"My parents were worried that we'd break something and they wanted us to have adult supervision. Pappy Joe won't come anywhere near this place," Lucas shrugged, grabbing her bag before she could.

"I am capable of carrying my own things," Maya insisted, trying to snag it back from him as they headed towards the front door. There was a fountain on the front lawn that was spewing water into the air and despite the family spending most of their time in New York, the grounds were all nicely kept.

"I believe you," Lucas said, keeping the bag just out of her reach.

Maya found herself frozen as she took in the main entryway. A crystal chandelier dangled from the ceiling and the floors looked like cherry-wood. A formal living room could be seen on one edge of the room and a hallway that led further into the house. A grand staircase was the center of the room and Maya found herself wondering if the boys had ever tried to slide down the banister.

"You'll show Maya to the one of the guest rooms?" Rebecca questioned, pausing as she stared at a family picture on the wall. Travis had disappeared behind a closed door almost as soon as they had gotten inside and Nick had gone down the hallway.

"I can handle it, Mom," Lucas assured her, watching his mother with worry written all over his face.

"I think we'll keep Nick on this level, where I can get to him if he needs anything," Rebecca informed them, abruptly turning away from the picture.

"You're staying down here?" Lucas asked and she could tell that this wasn't a normal occurrence.

"I don't want Nick overtiring himself with the stairs," Rebecca replied, her smile looking slightly forced. Maya knew there was more to the story, but she was relieved they were going to try and keep it from her.

"I'll take care of Maya," Lucas said, leading her towards the stairs.

"Thank you, Dear," Rebecca called, watching them go, "Maya, do make yourself at home."

"How many guestrooms do you have?" Maya asked, incredulously when they had turned the corner.

"Two, technically three, but Dad turned one into a study," Lucas replied, propping open a door and leading her inside.

"This isn't at all what I expected," Maya admitted, taking in the neutral bedspread and white walls. It looked like something off of a magazine.

"I spent most of my time at Pappy Joe's, it's always felt more like home, then here," Lucas offered, setting her bag on the bed.

"There's more to Texas-Lucas, then what all of us thought, isn't there?" Maya questioned, pausing to look out of the doors that led onto a balcony.

"You have no idea."

 **Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed! I would love it if you would leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	4. Starry Night

When Maya can't sleep she goes out on the balcony and draws. The moonlight is just bright enough that she can see the dark lines of her pencil on the page and she finds herself mapping out all of the stars. It's a hot summer, but there's something incredibly beautiful about being able to look in any direction and see open land.

Still, she can't escape the feeling that everything is too quiet. She's spent her entire life listening to the sounds of the city outside of her window and to be surrounding by so much nothingness leaves her feeling empty. There aren't enough things to keep her mind busy and she finds herself getting trapped within her own thoughts.

The other problem with the balcony is that it's right about the outside patio and she overhears more than one of Lucas's parent's arguments.

"I know it's experimental, Travis, but it's something," Rebecca's voice drifted over the railing, her voice desperate and pleading. Maya can hear the sound of the French doors behind slammed and knows that Travis has dragged her outside.

"He's done," Travis's voice replied, "Nick has been doing this for the last three years and he's done. We can't keep pushing him to do treatments that only make him feel worse."

"We can't just let him die," Rebecca argued.

"Do you really think that I want this? Do you really think that I want to watch our child die?"

"You've given up. I'm not ready to give up and if you would just look at this study," Rebecca insisted.

"I love Nick, but this is what he wants. He understands what's happening, Rebecca, and he deserves to make this choice. I won't force him into something that he doesn't want to do. I've spent the last year doing that," Travis's voice closed the subject.

"I will never forgive you for this," she snapped, "We're a team, you're supposed to be by my side, but you've left me completely alone to fight for our child's life."

"And you keep painting me as the villain. I didn't give Nick cancer and I've sided with you on the chemo and the surgery, even though Nick begged us not to, but enough is enough. This is enough. The cancer isn't shrinking, it's just spreading and he wants his last few months to be pleasant. Can't you just give him that?"

"I should have left you, I should have taken our children and left," Rebecca's voice rang through the night.

"It's too late for that, now, isn't it?" Travis's voice was emotionless, and Maya heard the sound of a door slamming from beneath her.

Rebecca's sobs drifted up from the patio and Maya wondered if Lucas's mom could even breathe. They were the sobs of someone who was frustrated, heartbroken, and devastated. Maya recognized them from her own mother.

The sobs turn into gasps for air after a while and then they finally stop. Maya starts to wonder if Rebecca is even there, until she hears the sound of a door opening and closing.

She doesn't mention the conversations that she overhears, but she can't keep herself from listening, either. She'd always seen the Friars as a loving and close family and she finds herself wondering if her family had been like that before it had been torn apart, too.

Despite her promises to talk to Riley, the two don't try to keep contact over the summer. Maya wonders what it will do to their friendship, but she knows that they need the space. She knows that trying to hold on too tightly will only lead to their relationship strangling them and she can't imagine a life where Riley isn't some part of it. Oddly enough it's Josh who keeps calling her.

"It's late," she answers the phone, setting aside her notepad and bringing her bare legs up to her chest.

"I know that you're not sleeping," Josh informs her.

"That doesn't make these phone calls any less rude," Maya returned and she can almost see him in her mind. She imagines him lying in his dorm room staring up at the ceiling, though she knows that he's back in Philadelphia for the summer. She wonders what his room looks like there.

"How are you?" Josh questions and Maya knows that there's a whole lot more in those words then how they sound.

"I'm throwing myself into my art," Maya says, proud that it isn't even a lie. She assumes that Riley told him where she's spending the summer because she didn't.

"I'm worried about you," he offers and Maya wonders what he has to give up to admit it. He's never been vulnerable with her and she's not entirely sure what to do with it. His interest in her stems from a need to try and keep her from falling apart and the idea of it bothers her. She always wanted him to notice her as something more than a project.

"At 3 AM?" Maya makes a joke of it, trying to shrug the words off.

"When all of the distractions go away," he clarified.

"How's Riley?" Maya changes the subject and she genuinely wants to know.

"From what I've heard she's running around the city with The Genius," Josh says and Maya smiles.

They lapse into silence, with nothing to say and Maya knows that it's time to end the conversation before it can go any further. There's something about the early morning hours that bring her defenses down and she wants all of her defenses back in place when she next has to face her best friend's uncle.

"Same time, tomorrow?" Maya questions, keeping her voice light.

"Probably," Josh agrees and the phone goes dead.

She crawls into bed shortly after and manages to get a few hours of sleep before Lucas is checking on her to make sure that she's still breathing. It's strange seeing him in the mornings and it feels intimate to be here with him and his family. She knows that Riley is the one who should be here with them and the entire idea nearly overwhelms her with guilt.

"You want to get out of the house, today?" Lucas questions, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"What did you have in mind?" Maya questions, sitting up and pulling the sheets tightly around her. If it's weird seeing him in the morning, it's even weirder knowing that he's seen her.

"My mom is being a bit much for Nick and I figured that we could take him to Pappy Joe's. Maybe we could wade in the pond," Lucas suggested and though his tone is nonchalant, Maya can tell that his worry for his brother is weighing on him.

"Okay, just let me get dressed," Maya agreed, waiting for him to get the hint and leave the room.

"I've seen you in your pajamas before," he smiled at her as he got off of the bed.

"Not these ones," Maya felt inclined to tell him and he looked at her curiously, "It's hot here."

"I'll be waiting downstairs," Lucas said, the announcement causing him to hurry from the room. Maya laughed at him, as she got up and rifled through her bag for something to wear. Her hand rested on the pill bottle and she held it up. She'd honestly forgotten about it, but now she can't seem to look away. She forced herself to drop them back into the bag and turn away while she changed.

It doesn't surprise Maya that Lucas drives a truck, but the beat-up exterior doesn't exactly fit with the manicured lawns. The green paint is peeling and the license plate is rusted, but Nick looks thrilled from where he's playing with the radio. Maya smiles as she slides in on the end and fastens her belt.

"You going to say something?" Lucas asked, as he pulled away.

"I would never," Maya offered, innocently, trying to keep her smirk to herself.

"Right," Lucas said skeptically and Nick finally settled on a country station.

"This baby's seen a lot of tailgating, hasn't it?" Maya questioned, keeping a straight face.

"Sure, and square dances and honkytonks," Lucas offered.

"What's a honkytonk?" Nick asked skeptically.

"I'm pretty sure your brother made that one up," Maya mock-whispered to him and Lucas shot her a glare.

"I think you're just jealous," Lucas offered and it was Maya's turn to be skeptical.

"Of your beat-up truck? This thing is a country song waiting to happen," Maya snorted.

"No, that I can drive and you can't," Lucas returned.

"If I wanted to drive, I would," Maya disagreed, "Why drive when public transportation is a million times easier?"

"Spoken like a true city girl," Lucas said.

"Whatever you say, Honkytonk," Maya replied and Nick let out a laugh.

"You're siding with her now, Buddy?" Lucas turned to Nick in annoyance.

"Sorry, Luke, but she's funnier then you," Nick smiled and Maya found herself transfixed in the way the sunlight hit the two brothers. The moment was kind of perfect and she wished that it could last.

"Take that back," Lucas demanded, pulling off onto the road that led to Pappy Joe's.

"No," Nick said, leaning away from Luke and into Maya.

"The kid has taste, Huckleberry. Leave him alone," Maya said, wrapping her arm around the youngest Friar.

Lucas pulled up the ranch and put the car in park before he could say anything else. Maya had barely gotten out herself when Nick was bolting passed her and in the direction of the house. She hadn't seen him have much energy lately and she could see the relief on Lucas's face that he seemed to be feeling better.

"He adores you," Maya felt the need to tell him, as Nick disappeared inside of the house.

"I thought he adored you," Lucas countered, forcing himself out of whatever he had been thinking.

"I'm pretty great, but I'm not his big brother," Maya replied, forcing herself to keep moving before it turned into a moment. She and Lucas didn't have moments.

It wasn't long before Lucas, Maya, and Nick found themselves on the edge of a dock that led out into the pond. The structure didn't look entirely safe to Maya, but Lucas assured her that it would hold and so she dangled her feet in the water, while the two boys fished.

"I'm bored," Maya complained, leaning back and looking up at the sky.

"I offered to show you how to fish," Lucas reminded her, adjusting the baseball cap that he had placed on his head.

"Do I look like someone who fishes?" Maya pointed out, "You told me there would be wading."

"You're welcome to get in if you want to," Lucas offered and she rolled her eyes.

"I left my sketch book in the car. You want to give me your keys and I'll go get it?" Maya questioned, pulling her feet out of the water and letting them drip onto the dock.

"I didn't lock the car," Luke replied, casting his line again, "And I know what you're going to say, so you don't have to say it."

"You're no fun," Maya complained, slipping her shoes on and moving back up towards the house. She opened the car door and found her bag sitting on the floor of the front seat. She pulled out her sketch book and her pencils and headed back to where the boys were sitting.

"What do you draw?" Nick asked, curiously, as she sat back down and started flipping to a blank page.

"Things that inspire me," Maya replied, leaning on her stomach as she started to sketch the outline of Lucas's truck and attempted to capture the way the light had filtered through the window and lit up the Friar boys.

"Would you draw me a picture?" Nick questioned and Maya smiled.

"I would love to," she assured him, thinking of the picture of the stars that she had almost finished. She'd noticed that he had a number of astronomy books in his room and posters of the solar system tacked to his walls.

They lapsed into silence as Maya worked on the details of her latest sketch. The similarities between Nick and Lucas were easy to identify when she was tracing their jawlines and shading in their eyes. They were the kind of family that didn't deserve anything that was happening to them and it made her feel worse to be witnessing them collapsing under the pressure.

"I think I caught something," Nick informed them and Maya looked up as Lucas helped him reel it in. It wasn't a very big fish, but she automatically knew that it was gross and slimy.

"You do this for fun?" Maya demanded, as she rolled out of the way and pulled her art supplies with her.

"We're going to release it," Lucas offered, helping Nick get the fish off of the hook.

"That makes it better," Maya bit out sarcastically.

They made it back to the Friar's house in the early evening and Maya found the place deadly quiet. Most of the lights were out and there was something chilled in the air.

"Mom?" Lucas called out, as they made their way towards Nick's room.

It had originally been a sitting room, but they had brought Nick's bed downstairs and tacked up some of his things on the walls. The grand piano that had originally taken up most of the room, had been moved out into the grand entryway and Rebecca had insisted that a rocking chair be brought from the attic down to the sitting room.

Lucas pushed open the door and they found Rebecca Friar sitting in the dark. She was slowly rocking in the chair and her eyes seemed distant.

"Everything okay?" Lucas asked, hesitantly as he flipped on the lights.

"Fine, just fine. Your father's not going to be here for dinner," she informed them, a forced smile spreading across her face.

"That's okay, we ate on the way home," Lucas replied, as Nick made his way over to the bed. He looked tired from their outing and Maya missed the kid who had been excited over catching fish and seeing his grandfather.

"I think I'm going to turn in early," Rebecca said, standing up from the chair and wrapping her arms around herself as she shifted passed them into the hall.

"I'm going to," Lucas shifted his head in the direction that his mother had gone and Maya nodded.

"You want to see some of the pictures that I've been working on?" Maya asked Nick, crossing the room and sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Sure," Nick agreed, leaning back in his pillows.

Maya pulled out the sketchbook and watched as Nick slowly flipped through it, pausing at the one of Nick and Lucas in the car.

"Do you love my brother?" Nick asked, looking up at her with innocent eyes.

"He's one of my very best friends," Maya offered, dodging the question.

"But are you in love with him?" Nick pressed, tracing the lines she had made with her pencil.

"No, I'm not in love with him," Maya replied, "He loves my best friend, Riley."

"He's going to need someone to take care of him when I'm gone and tease him like I do," Nick offered and Maya felt tears gather in her eyes.

"I promise to keep teasing him for you," Maya said, reaching out to turn the page to the one she had been working on of the stars.

"Do you think that's where we go, when we die?" Nick questioned, as he examined the new picture.

"I don't know," Maya admitted, "Is that where you want to go?"

"They just seem so far away," Nick admitted.

"Not here. Here they feel like you could almost reach out and touch them," Maya said, leaning back next to him.

"I like your pictures, Maya," Nick said, his voice becoming drowsy as he drifted off.

"Thanks," Maya sighed, a lone tear making its way down her cheek.

Maya sat on her balcony that night doing her best to finish the details on her star picture. She was adding colors with her colored pencils, though her focus was more on the shadows and the shading of the stars and moon. She wanted to capture just how close they all felt from where she was sitting.

"Can I join you?" Lucas asked, knocking the glass door that led outside.

"It's your house," Maya pointed out and he sat down in the second chair that was next to her.

"My parents got in another fight about Nick. Dad stormed out," Lucas informed her, staring intently out into the distance.

"He'll come back. Your parents love each other, I can tell," Maya assured him, pausing in her drawing.

"I don't know how you can tell. I haven't seen any love between them in a long time, longer then Nick's been sick," Lucas sighed, running his hands through his hair.

"But even though they fight, they always come back to each other. All of my memories of my parents together are of them fighting and hurting each other and there was no trying to fix things the next morning, like your parents do. You have to, at least, have some good memories."

"When we were younger, before we moved to New York," Lucas conceded, "But my dad was never really a hands on parent. He hated the entire ranching lifestyle and always wanted to be more. He missed all kind of things when we were growing up. Sporting events and school events, but my mom was always there. Always there making excuses for him. Even when he went out and had an affair, she just kept making excuses."

"I didn't know," Maya said, looking at him in shock of what he was telling her.

"My anger issues weren't the only reason we moved to New York. They just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet and pretend that nothing had happened," Lucas sighed, leaning back.

"I worry sometimes that I'm going to become my father," Maya admitted, biting her lip.

"Me too."

 **Thanks to everyone who is reading! I was hoping to get to how Maya started taking pain meds this chapter, but I don't think that it's going to happen until the next one. I would love it if you would leave me a review and let me know what you think. Reviews really help me stay motivated to write!**


	5. Burning

**Warning: To my Lucaya sensitive readers, this chapter has a couple of moments.**

Maya snaps awake, struggling to get air into her lungs. Sweat sticks her pajamas and sheets to her skin and the covers are so tightly wrapped around her that she feels trapped.

The images of her nightmare are still playing through her mind on a loop and she finds herself clawing at the covers in her attempts to escape. She just needs to breathe, but she can't. She needs to stop feeling someone else's hands on her skin and their lips on hers. She needs to stop feeling helpless and out of control.

In her attempts to kick the covers off, she falls from the bed and onto the floor, pain shooting through her body at the impact. She turns onto her back and stares up at the ceiling as she finally manages to catch her breath.

The pill bottle has fallen out of the bag that she has shoved under her bed and she finds herself reaching for it. The pills click together as she picks it up and runs her hand over the peeled off label. She slowly twists the cap off and lets a single pill fall into her hand. It's white and she can feel the outlines of writing on the tablet.

Sitting up, she reaches over to turn on the bedside lamp and looks more closely at the writing. The letters, "OC," line one side and a ten sits on the other. She snags her phone off of the same table and enters the information into a search engine. For the first time the pills have a name, OxyContin, and she knows that they're used for the treatment of pain.

She's in pain all of the time, emotional pain and headaches from not getting enough sleep. The website even lists drowsiness as a side effect of taking the medication and she wonders if the dreams would be dreamless, if she were under the influence of something.

She pinched the pill between her thumb and forefinger, staring at it intently. It was only one and how much harm could one pill really do.

"What are you doing?" Maya asked herself, dropping the pill and the bottle onto the floor. She was better than this, she knew better than this.

She leaves the bedding on the floor and makes her way to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. She grips the edges of sink and stares at her face in the mirror. The dark bags under her eyes are living proof that the blonde beauty is slowly disappearing. Her hair is matted and knotted from the tossing and turning that she had done all night.

She should care that her image is falling apart, that she's tired all of the time, but she just can't bring herself to. If she can erase the image of herself, maybe she'll stop seeing her father in the mirror. Maybe she'll stop panicking every time a guy looks in her direction.

Maya leaves the bathroom, along with her reflection, and returns to her bedroom. She returns the pills that had spilled from the open bottle to their container and shoves the entire bottle into her bedside table drawer. Snagging her sketchbook off of the dresser, she returns to her favorite chair on the balcony. Sleep is for the weak.

At the very basics of art, you have to understand the way that the bones connect; how the muscles link to the skeleton and move together. Then, the way the skin sits on top of the muscles and bones; the way it bends, creases, ages. Rebecca's wedding ring is inset in her skin. Maya can tell that it's a part of her; just as much as the scar that lines one of Rebecca's wrists or the birthmark that she tries to keep concealed on her neck.

That's what she thinks about as she watches Rebecca twist the ring on her finger at breakfast the next morning. Travis is still noticeably absent, though Rebecca hasn't mentioned him once and her eyes keep trailing over to the room that Nick is staying in.

She looks cornered and Maya finds herself questioning the entire institution of marriage. She'd never really given it much thought, but her parents' marriage had been a disaster. Lucas's parents weren't shaping up to be much better and Rileys' were looking more like the exception, then the rule.

She glanced at the ring that sits on her own finger and thinks about her own commitments. She'd promised to stay by Riley's side through thick and thin, no matter how many mistakes the two of them made, but how was that promise working out?

"How did you sleep?" Rebecca questions, forcing her attention away from the ring on her hand.

"Fine," Lucas replies, though Maya knows that he couldn't have gotten more than four hours.

"Maya?" Rebecca presses, only going through the motions.

"Great," Maya offered. She was running on two hours' tops.

Rebecca's eyes shifted to Nick's room again and Lucas's seemed to follow. Nick's days seem to fluctuate. Some days he has energy and acts like any other eight-year-old, but other days he seems tired and doesn't get out of bed. Maya can tell that it's going to be a bad day and from the set of Rebecca's shoulders, she seems to sense it, too.

"You should take Maya out exploring, today," Rebecca suggests, picking at the grapefruit that she's trying to choke down.

"I can stay and help," Lucas replies. Maya doesn't have to study his body language to see the barely controlled anger that he's radiating. She's spent enough time angry at her own father to recognize it in someone else.

"No, you should go out and have fun. The summer's almost over," Rebecca insisted, forcing a smile that Maya thought looked a lot more like a grimace.

"Okay," Lucas gave-in, his head returning to the table and his focus back to his cereal. His movements were agitated and Maya thought that it might be good for him to be away from the heavy atmosphere.

Maya's had her fair share of unpleasant experiences, but watching someone slowly die is a new one. Watching the way that it is killing the parts of everyone around Nick, is new, too. There's too many emotions to exist in one building.

"Where do you want to go?" Lucas questions, as she brushes out her hair in front of the bathroom mirror.

"It's your town, I'm just along for the ride," she replied, trying not to get caught up in her reflection.

"We could just drive," Lucas suggested and Maya finished with her hair and pulled it back into a ponytail. Her hands linger on the long pieces and she finds herself thinking about how much her hair is a part of her identity.

"We could," she agreed, forcing her attention away.

Her cell phone vibrated in her pocket and Maya pulled it out as she followed Lucas down the stairs. It was Riley and she found herself rejecting the call before she made her way out the front door.

Miles of open land whipped passed them as Maya leaned back into the worn seats. Lucas had turned the radio on, but the volume was low enough that she couldn't make out what kind of music it was. She knew from the set of his shoulders and grip he had on the steering wheel that being out of the house wasn't improving his mood. The speedometer kept creeping up and she knew that they were just asking for a ticket.

"When this is all over, do you go back to Riley?" Maya questioned, turning to look at him. Though, there's a part of her that wonders if there will ever be an, "All over," for Lucas. His brother will die and his mother will blame his father and if there's anyone that Lucas will need to get through all of that, it's Riley.

"I love her," Lucas admitted, some of the tension leaving his shoulders.

"But?" Maya pressed, knowing that there was more to the statement.

"But I'm not sure that I'm good for her," Lucas said, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

"Welcome to the club," Maya offered, turning her attention back to the window.

"What about Josh? I hear you up talking to him at night," Lucas informed her.

"He's too old for me," Maya laughed, the sound strangled and bitter, "And he's just looking for someone to save, anyway."

"You don't want to be saved?" Lucas questioned and Maya got the feeling that Lucas would give anything for someone to save him from himself.

"I don't want to be someone's project," Maya corrected him, "I'd rather burn."

They glance at each other across the truck and Maya knows exactly what he's thinking about. They were fire together and maybe the burning wouldn't be so bad if there was someone to get lost in, someone who nothing really mattered with. She's not stupid enough to believe that she's in love with him, at least not in the same way that Riley is, and they're never going to find happiness together, but the reckless way he's looking at her makes her think that maybe it would be worth it.

His phone goes off, breaking their concentration and he pulls over to the side of the road to answer it. Maya finds herself needing to catch her breath, as she places her head against the cool, glass of the window. She's not sure what's going on with herself, but she's on the verge of self-destructing. None of her decisions are smart and she shouldn't be considering anything that has run through her mind in the last twenty-four hours.

Lucas finishes his call and Maya realizes that she hasn't heard any of it over the sound of her own thoughts.

"My dad came home, Nick is in a lot of pain and my parents are taking him to the hospital," Lucas informed her, leaning his head against the steering wheel.

"Should we go meet them?" Maya questioned, quietly, staring at her knees.

"They told me that they don't want me there," Lucas replied and he sounds as emotionally tired as she is physically.

"Maybe we should go back to the house," Maya suggested, when they had sat in silence for several minutes.

"The suns going to set soon," Lucas agreed, taking the car out of park and turning in the opposite direction they had been going in.

They stop to pick up greasy food on the way home and Maya finds herself surprised to realize that she's hungry. Logically, she knows that they haven't eaten since breakfast, but eating is such an ordinary thing and nothing about what the two of them are going through seems ordinary.

Lucas carries the bag of food into the formal dining room and drops it in the center of the table, as Maya reluctantly trails along behind him flipping on lights. The blinds are all closed and Maya realizes that it's the first time she's been in the house without Lucas's parents.

"Your mother would throw a fit if she knew we were doing this," Maya informed him, as she took the seat next to him and they divided the food. The wood of the table is shiny and there's an elaborate floral arrangement in the center, though the center of the room is the chandelier that dangles down from the ceiling.

"I don't really care what she would do," Lucas shrugged, biting into his burger and leaning back in the seat.

They finish the meal in silence and it's Maya who takes the time to clean it up. Lucas watches her and she knows that he wants to pick a fight with his parents. He's angry and frustrated and it's a matter of time before he snaps.

She throws away the wrappers from the food and wipes down the table, taking the time to straighten the table-run that sits in front of Lucas. It would be easier if she didn't understand his feelings, if she couldn't relate to them so easily. She used to see Lucas and Riley as the same; they both believed in things, had hope, did anything for their friends, and they both were always looking to do the right thing. However, there's nothing of that Lucas sitting in front of her. This Lucas is like looking in a mirror.

"You want to help me with something?" Maya questioned, looking at him uncertainly.

"What?" Lucas returned, snapping out of his thoughts.

"Grab a pair of scissors and meet me in the upstairs bathroom," Maya instructed, as she made her way towards the stairs.

She paused in front of the mirror and slowly took her hair out of the band, so that it fell around her face. It was long, wavy, and the same blonde that so many people admired about her. She loved her hair, but she got it directly from her father and she was done with letting him define her.

She sat on the edge of the tub and waited until Lucas showed up at the door with what she had requested, "Now what?"

"I was thinking shoulder-length," Maya suggested, as she ran her hands through the blonde locks.

"You want me to cut your hair?" he clarified, looking at her incredulously.

"It's either this or we drink and I think we both know which option is better," Maya said, trying not to second guess her decision.

"I can't just cut your hair, it's your hair. I've never cut anyone's hair in my life," Lucas panicked and Maya smiled at how well her distraction was working at getting him out of his head.

"I trust you," Maya replied, stretching her legs out in front of her and bracing her hands on the sides of the tub.

"That's really stupid," Lucas offered, but he closed the bathroom door behind him and crossed to sit next to her on the tub.

"I'm doing all kinds of stupid things," she reminded him, "And it's just hair. It will grow back."

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking at her intently.

"I'm sure," she promised, closing her eyes and waiting for him to start.

She felt when he reached out to grab a strand and pulled it straight, so that he could get the right length. Though she still wasn't entirely prepared for when she heard the first click and he held out a strand of her hair to her. She knew that he was waiting for her to tell him to stop, but she just took it from him and let her eyes tell him to continue.

She'd loved, "The Parent Trap," as a kid. She'd watched the movie over and over again, pretending that maybe she had a twin out there somewhere who she would run into someday and they'd plot to get her parents back together. She'd recognized that it was a pipe-dream pretty quickly, but the entire time she's in the bathroom with Lucas, she can't help thinking about the scene when one of the twins has her hair cut.

"I'm done," Lucas offers and the tone in his voice is more concerned then what she wants it to be.

She glances into the bathtub behind her and it looks like they've shaved a small dog and lined the bathtub in its fur. She closes her eyes again as she positions herself in front of the mirror and then forces them open.

It's not as bad as she had worried it would be. Some of the strands are a little uneven, but the natural wave in her hair keeps it from being obvious. She hadn't realized just how much weight she'd been carrying and suddenly she can lift her head again.

"Not the blonde beauty anymore, huh?" she offers, shifting her head so that she can look at it from another angle.

"I'm so sorry, Maya. We can get it evened out by a professional, I'll pay," Lucas rambles, starting to panic.

"It's okay, I like it," Maya assured him, turning her gaze from the mirror.

A message goes off on Lucas's phone and Maya watches as he pulls it out and reads it.

"My parents are going to be at the hospital for the night," Lucas informs her, pursing his lips as the heavy emotions return to his face, "I don't know about you, but I could still use a drink."

"I thought we were being good," Maya reminded him, thinking of how painful her last detox process had been.

"If we're going to burn," he countered and there's a fire in his eyes that scares her.

"Just one," she insists, opening the bathroom door and letting him brush passed her as he moved down to the bottom level. He leads her into his father's study, which is one of the only rooms that she hasn't seen in the house. Books line the walls and a large oak desk takes up the center of the room.

"Shots?" Lucas suggests, moving around the side of his father's desk and pulling a bottle of dark liquid from one of the drawers.

"If we're only having one, we might as well have the good stuff," Maya agrees, as he pours the liquid into two glasses.

"To our fathers?" Lucas suggests, holding a glass out to her.

"And the legacies we can't escape," Maya adds, tapping her glass to his before she drinks it in one swallow.

The liquid burns her throat and she closes her eyes as she feels the full impact of the alcohol. She's done plenty of drinking in her time, but she'd forgotten just how good it felt. She'd forgotten the way everything started to glow as the alcohol ran through her system.

Lucas is already pouring a second shot and she slips her glass across to him.

"Are you sure?" he asks, looking up at her with concern.

"Don't go soft on me now, Huckleberry," Maya snorts and he pours her another shot. She downs it in another swallow and before they know it half the bottle is gone and all of Maya's worries and concerns seem a million miles away.

"I think if we drink anymore, he'll notice," Lucas says, frowning as he closed the bottle and returned it to the drawer.

"We should wash the cups and put them back," Maya suggested and he looked at her in surprise, "You think this is the first time that I've snuck into someone's alcohol store?"

"You're just so smart," he offered, wobbling slightly as he moved towards the door.

"You don't have to act so surprised," Maya laughed, trailing along behind him as they made their way to the kitchen.

Maya took his glass from him before he could drop it in his drunken stupor and washed it in the sink. She dried the both of them with a towel and winced when Lucas leaned over the sink and promptly threw up.

"You should get upstairs, I'll finish up down here," Maya suggested, watching him in amusement.

"It was my idea," Lucas reminded her, looking at her with unfocused eyes.

"And I get the feeling that you haven't done this before. You clearly don't know your own limit," Maya snorted, grabbing him before he could run into a wall.

"Your hair smells good," he offered, as he leaned on her and buried his head in her hair.

"Thank you," Maya replied, guiding him up the stairs and in the direction of his room. His weight threatened to tip the both of them over and Maya had to lean heavily on the railing to stay upright.

"I think I should call Riley," he informed her, digging through his pocket to find his phone. Maya easily snatched it from his hand.

"If Riley finds out that you're drunk, she's going to be very upset," Maya reminded him, shoving the phone into her own pocket and leading him into his bedroom.

"But I should tell her that Nick is dying and my parents are fighting and that you smell really good," he said, refusing to let go of her and landing them both in the center of his bed.

"You should tell her two out of three of those things, but not tonight," Maya said, brushing a strand of hair out of his face and gazing at him fondly.

"I'm glad you're here, Maya," he informed her, his voice becoming serious.

"Me too," she agreed, knowing that she should pull away from him.

He continued to stare at her intently as dozens of emotions flickered across his face and she got the feeling that Riley had left his mind.

"I should go finish cleaning up," she said, trying to pull away from him, but his arms tightened on her waist.

"Maya?" he asked and she looked at him as she tried to think of what to do.

"What?" she returned, wearily.

"I just don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel like this," he groaned.

"I know," she admitted, knowing how attached she had grown to Nick and knowing that it must be hurting him a million times worse.

He released her waist and his hands found their way to her face, as he closed the remaining distance between them. She knew better, she should know better, but she didn't stop him as his lips descended on hers.

For a minute, she was lost in the fact that she was kissing Lucas Friar. She'd imagined doing it a million times and always felt incredibly guilty because he was supposed to be Riley's, but she wasn't thinking about Riley as her own hands threaded through his hair.

She wasn't sure when the smell hit her, but the minute it did, she was suddenly pressed against a wall and it was another person trying to kiss her. It was Logan's hands tangled in her hair and she instantly pulled away from Lucas, falling onto the floor in her hurry to escape the memory.

She felt sick and she was bolting from the room before Lucas could say anything. She stopped in the bathroom to throw up everything in her system, as she tried to escape the memories that were assaulting her. She'd thought that her dreams were vivid, but the panic that was hitting her was a million times worse.

She rinsed her mouth in the sink and couldn't stop the sobs that started shaking her body. She couldn't escape the thoughts in her head or the way her body remembered him touching her. Nothing she did gave her any kind of escape.

She sunk to the floor and pulled her knees to her chest, as she allowed herself to cry. Fear still pulsed through her veins, despite the fact that she was completely safe. Despite the fact that she knew Lucas was the furthest thing from Logan that there was.

When she had managed to cry herself out, she returned to the lower floor and grabbed the clean glasses from the kitchen counter. She made her way back to the study and opened the drawer to set both of them inside, but paused as she saw the bottles of alcohol. Removing the lid on one, she drank several swallows straight from the bottle and let out a breath as the glowing feeling returned.

She went back to the kitchen and rinsed the sink, trying to remove the traces of what they had been doing. She poured bleach into it in an effort to get rid of the smell, still coasting on the way the alcohol numbed her body.

She knew that she should check on Lucas, but standing outside of his door caused her heart to accelerate and she knew that she wasn't ready to face him. She returned to her bedroom and sunk down on the edge of the bed.

She wanted to sleep without dreaming. She knew that the second she closed her eyes she would be remembering everything that had happened and she wasn't sure how the incident of that night would play in.

Yanking open the drawer of her bedside table, she opened the bottle of pills and poured one out into her hand. All she needed was one night of decent sleep. All she needed was to forget everything that was happening in her life and she could already feel the alcohol leaving her system.

She popped the pill into her mouth and swallowed.

 **This chapter was miserable to write. I knew where I wanted to go, but had the hardest time trying to get there. I've spent a week on it and I'm still not sure that I like it, but I'm going to post it anyway. Thanks for reading and I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


	6. I Hate Everything About You

If her reasoning hadn't been impaired with alcohol, she never would have taken the pill. However, this feeling is entirely different from anything that she has ever experienced before. Alcohol makes things seem hazy, but this is like suddenly seeing everything in perfect clarity. Every emotion and thought is intensified; until she is convinced that she's never fully experienced happiness until this moment.

She manages to sleep through the night and wakes up feeling alive again. She has energy and the weight that she's been carrying around on her shoulders almost feels as though it had diminished. She still feels incredibly hungover, but like someone who can function while being hungover.

"You look better then Lucas seems to be doing this morning," Rebecca comments as Maya enters the kitchen. Her hair is in a messy bun at the nape of her neck and she's wearing a set of sweats that Maya would have never expected to see her in, though it's a testament to her character that she's already up and at least trying.

"How's Nick?" Maya avoids the question. She'd heard Lucas throwing up in the bathroom and had narrowly avoided running into him.

"Better, he's doing better," Rebecca insisted, although she sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as Maya, "He showed me that picture you drew for him."

"I just knew that he liked astronomy and he asked me to," Maya trailed off awkwardly.

"I appreciate how you take care of my boys. Nick adores you and I know that Lucas has been happy to have you here. He's seemed lighter with you, then what he's been for a very long time," Rebecca explained, her voice contemplative.

"They're good for me, too," Maya offered, "Thank you for letting me stay this summer."

"I know that Lucas is still caught up on Riley," she pauses on the name and Maya wonders what kind of interaction the two of them had, Riley's never mentioned it, "She seems like a good girl, from a good background, but when she broke up with my son it absolutely crushed him. It's one thing to have no choice in watching your son die, but watching the way their break up killed Lucas. He's had to deal with so much and all I want is his happiness."

"There was a lot going on with Riley and Lucas," Maya cut in, knowing that she couldn't tell Rebecca about Lucas's partying.

"Even so, you've been here through Nick's cancer and you've put a real emotional investment into my family. You've stuck by my son _regardless_ of what's been going on," Rebecca continued, brushing aside Maya's words.

"We're not together," Maya felt the need to tell her, though she found her thoughts drifting to the kiss that they had shared last night.

"But you're one of us now, Maya. I had hoped for a daughter and while I love my boys, it's still not entirely the same. I just want you to know that I won't forget the kindness that you have shown my family and if you should ever need anything," Rebecca let the sentence trail off and one look into her eyes, told Maya that Rebecca was deadly serious with her offer.

"Thank you," Maya said, knowing that it was wrong that she felt warmed by the thought. If Riley had any idea of what was going on she would be the one here supporting the family, she would be the one who was making Lucas a million times happier then what Maya was capable of making him. It was wrong, but there was a part of her that enjoyed being seen as better for someone then Riley, even if it wasn't true.

Rebecca disappeared while Maya was eating a bowl of cereal. She knows that it's borderline stalking, but she finds herself sifting through the recent photos that Josh has posted to Facebook. She hasn't heard from him in several weeks and she's not entirely sure of what to think of it.

His pictures are mostly of large groups of friends, although she finds the same girl appearing continuously in many of them. She's slender with the same long limbs that Riley possesses, although this girl seems to have grown into them. Maya can easily see her as some kind of dancer, with long, flowing brunette hair that she constantly has curled.

"Maya," Lucas's voice pulls her from the picture and she finds herself staring fixatedly at her cereal, as she can't quite meet his eyes, "Can we talk?"

"Your mother's in the room with Nick," Maya informed him, refusing to turn around and face him.

"We could go sit out on the porch, it hasn't gotten too hot, yet," Lucas suggested.

Maya returned her phone to the pocket of her worn jeans and set her dish in the sink before she followed him out onto the back porch. It was a bright morning and she knew that the sun was hurting both of their eyes, but she sunk down into a chair and curled her feet underneath her, as she waited for him to speak.

For the longest time she had lived by the moto of, "Reject them before they can reject you." Most of the confidence that Riley had always envied about her, came from her ability to pretend that nothing touched her, to keep people at just enough distance that she could make them believe that their words held no meaning to her. It was why she had been so bold to Lucas on their first meeting on the subway. She'd left no room for him to actually reject her and she'd been in control of the entire conversation. She'd never expected that he would become such a stable part of her life.

That didn't work anymore. He'd seen her too many times with her guard down. He'd seen her throwing up in bushes, waking up in the morning, drawing on his balcony in the early morning hours. She'd shared too much of herself with him to pretend that she didn't care.

"I'm sorry about last night," Lucas began, "I don't know what got into me and I acted horribly."

"Who says, 'horribly,'" Maya snorted, meeting his gaze and hoping that hers wasn't giving anything away.

"Could you just let me apologize?" he asked in frustration, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand.

"I got you into a fight with Logan, which cost you your relationship with the love of your life, so I would say that one night of bad behavior is the least of what I owe you," Maya pointed out.

"That wasn't your fault, Maya," Lucas insisted and Maya rolled her eyes.

"Everybody keeps saying that, but we both know that you would have never gone to that party if I hadn't pushed you to. I knew that you had promised Riley you would stop and I told you to do it anyway," Maya reminded him, "I'm a bad influence."

"I might have gone, anyway. Yeah, I used watching out for you as an excuse, but I was miserable. I felt pressure to do well in school and with football, so that my parents could focus on worrying about Nick and I wanted to be good enough for Riley. If it wasn't that party, I would have done something else that was stupid, just to try and relieve the pressure that was crushing me. So, as much as I know you enjoy blaming yourself this one isn't on you. Losing Riley and getting in that fight is all on me."

"Then we'll call it even," Maya decided, relieved to remove one source of guilt from the massive pile that she knew she should be feeling.

"About what happened last night," he returned to the topic and Maya gave him an exasperated look.

"I don't want to talk about it," Maya cut him off.

"I know that I was out of it, but I can still remember the way you looked at me after I kissed you and you looked terrified."

"I don't remember anything like that happening. Maybe it was something you dreamt," Maya suggested, folding her arms across her chest.

"It reminded you of him, didn't it?" Lucas asked knowingly and she closed her eyes in an effort to reign in her emotions. She needed something that would get him to back off before he delved into her personal issues.

"You're nothing like Logan, but you do love Riley and Riley loves you. Riley is my best friend and how am I ever supposed to look her in the eyes again knowing that I kissed her first love," Maya honed in on one of her own sources of guilt.

He took the bait and she watched the way he fully grasped the horror of what he had done. She wondered if he'd managed to suppress it with his noble thoughts of saving her.

"We have to tell her," he said resolutely and Maya wondered why this was something that he was willing to own up to, when he wouldn't even tell her that his brother was dying. He must feel the need to punish himself almost as much as she felt the need to punish herself.

"We're not telling her anything. You were drunk and I was drunk and we spent a completely platonic summer in Texas together. The two of you aren't even together and you and I aren't getting together, so I see no need to tell her what happened," Maya replied, "In fact, after the mess we've made, I think we have a responsibility to do whatever it takes to keep from hurting her any further."

"If I don't tell her this, then we have no chance at ever fixing things," Lucas tried and she could see the way the devastation was working its way across his face, "When all of this is over, I will never have the option of going back to her. I can't be with her and continue to lie to her about this."

Maya knew it was a cruel thing to do and in retrospect she knows that her next words were mostly selfish and for her own benefit. It was the part of her that wanted to drag Lucas down to her level so she didn't feel so alone, the part of her that wasn't ready to own up to any of her mistakes, it was the very worst part of her, but it was the part that was in control, "You lost whatever chance you had of fixing things when you told me that Nick was sick before you told her. Do you really think that her insecurities will ever get passed that, coupled with you bringing me to Texas, and then telling her that you kissed me? The option of going back to her has been gone for a long time, Lucas."

Maya had done her best to support Riley and Lucas's relationship, but she knows that she crossed a line. She knows that there's no way to justify this. Riley would hate her for keeping secrets and Riley just might be the kind of person who would eventually be able to forgive Lucas for everything. Maya might not be involved with Lucas, but she's still stolen him for herself. She's stolen his personal thoughts and his trust. She's stolen the long and deep conversations that had always belonged to Riley.

She had told Lucas that he didn't have the chance to go back, but she knows that it's the same for her. The line that she's crossed isn't the kind of line that's ever going to let her back onto the other side.

The look on Lucas's face as he realizes that he's lost Riley for good is something that haunts her dreams for years to come.

It doesn't take long after that conversation for her to decide that she's got nothing left to lose. If she's going to burn, she might as well feel good doing it. She doesn't even think about it as she removes the cap on the pill bottle and puts another one in her mouth.

She's curious about what it will feel like to experience when she's awake and she knows the second that it takes effect. She can feel the happiness returning and though she knows that she should be feeling guilty and miserable over everything, she just doesn't care. None of it matters.

It's that same feeling that leads her to taking another and then another pill. She can't go back to feeling the fear and insecurity that was once weighing her down and while the alcohol makes things glow, she wants to see everything sparkle. She wants to feel everything intensely, which is how she finds herself back in New York downing the last pill in the bottle and as she stares at the empty bottle and back at herself in the mirror, she knows that she's in trouble.

"Maya?" Riley greets her, pausing in front of where Maya's trying not to show her obvious shaking in front of her locker. Her entire body itches and she's wearing long sleeves to hide the scratches that line her arms.

"What?" Maya asks, knowing that she has to do everything in her power to shove Riley away. She can't deal with the guilt and the physical need that she has for another pill.

"I haven't seen you since school started and I know that you've been busy, but I miss you," Riley starts out and Maya can tell that she's making a real effort. Riley really wants to fix things, but any chance of that ended when she burned to the ground Riley's chances for fixing things with Lucas.

"I miss you too, Riles," Maya lied, knowing that it would be the easiest way to end the conversation. Let Riley think that she'd fixed things and then return to avoiding her at every opportunity.

"There's a big family dinner at my house tonight. Josh is going to be there and he says he has a surprise. You should come," Riley suggested, her eyes pleading.

"I'll see what I can do," Maya agreed, wrapping her arms around herself as the need to itch intensified to the point where it was physically painful.

"Okay," Riley smiled, "I'll see you later."

"Later," Maya agreed, waiting until Riley was out of sight to slam the locker closed and scratch furiously at her arms. Blood was running down them from the deeper scratches and she knew that she wasn't in control enough to go to class. She needed the pain to end and she could only think of one sure way to do it.

She'd searched through her own medicine cabinet and found that her mother wasn't keeping around anything that wasn't over the counter. The over the counter stuff didn't even take the edge off and she found herself running through her list of friends. Logan was out of state for college and he'd been her first call after she'd gone through the cabinet and tried her grandmother's place. She wasn't sure if she was more relieved or disappointed that he hadn't picked up and wouldn't be able to help her anyway.

She laid in bed for most of the school day, curled up in a ball as she resisted the urge to scratch every inch of skin that covered her body. She was ready to crawl out of her skin and nothing that she did seemed to help. Her head was pounding and she was still dealing with random spurts of nausea, among other unpleasant physical functions. She was pretty sure that she was dying and it wasn't going to be easy or painless.

Lucas was the next logical house to go to. She knew that Nick was on painkillers and she was probably the last person they would expect to steal from them. She also had a feeling that Rebecca Friar could get Nick another bottle with a snap of her fingers, but she wasn't ready to go over there.

Lucas was in the midst of football season and was more aggressive then she had ever seen him. They talked regularly, but they were both pretty busy. Busy enough that she had managed to keep everything that was wrong with her to herself. He wouldn't be out of football practice for another three hours and going over there now would probably raise suspicion.

A text on her phone startled her from her thoughts and she found herself instinctively opening the message and reading through it. It was a reminder from Riley about dinner and while she wasn't in any condition to be around people, she had a feeling that if anyone wasn't going to notice her going through their medications, it would be the Mathews. She'd seen their medicine cabinet a million times and she knew that they weren't the kind of people to throw prescriptions away.

She also knew that it was another thing that she wouldn't be able to forgive herself for. Stealing from the family that had taken her in and raised her for so many years was wrong, but they weren't using it. It was better than stealing from Nick, who was.

She changed her clothes and bandaged up the cuts on her arms, pulling a hoodie over the long sleeved shirt. She was thankful for the early autumn weather that made her less conspicuous and she let her hair fall wild around her face, to keep as much of her skin covered as possible. She could do this.

The subway ride to their house was miserable. She couldn't stay still and she knew that the shaking was progressively getting worse. Her movements were agitated and jerky and people kept looking at her with knowing glances. She was another drug addict looking for a fix, another stupid teenager, but she didn't care what they thought.

She eased her way through Riley's window and jumped when a voice startled her, "You haven't done that in a while."

"I've just been busy," Maya suggested, pressing her hand to her chest as she forced herself to get control.

"I know, me too," Riley admitted, coming out of her closet, where Maya hadn't been able to see her.

"Josh here, yet?" Maya asked, feeling like it was something that she should say, but finding that her heart wasn't in it.

"Nope, but he texted Dad that he was on his way," Riley replied, "I'm supposed to go set the table."

"I just need an aspirin for this headache that I've been fighting. You go ahead and I'll meet you in the kitchen," Maya suggested, wishing that the lie didn't come so easily.

"Just like old times," Riley smiled, her ponytail bobbing with her excitement.

"Yeah," Maya agreed, staring intently at the floor.

Riley bounced from the room and Maya headed straight for the bathroom, locking the door and pulling open the cupboard that hung over the toilet. The medications were all laid out on the top shelf and she found herself sorting through the regularly used ones to the back, where the older ones were. She stuffed several of Cory's prescriptions into her pockets, not caring that they were expired and smiled when she found the bottle of OxyContin that was hiding way in the back. It looked almost completely full, too.

She popped the lid off and swallowed one instantly, frustrated when the symptoms didn't immediately go away. She sunk down on the bathroom floor, leaning her head against the wall as she waited for the medication to work.

"Maya, is everything okay?" Riley's voice called, as someone knocked on the door.

"I'm fine, just give me a minute," Maya called back, relieved when she held up a hand and found it more steady. She swallowed another pill in hopes that it would help her recover faster and knew the second that the medication entered her bloodstream. She felt good again, she felt better.

"Sorry, I think I might be coming down with something," Maya apologized, as she left the bathroom.

"Josh is coming up right now," Riley informed her, hooking her arm through Maya's and pulling her in the direction of the living room.

"Maya," Topanga greeted her, pulling her into a hug and Maya has a panicked moment where she worries that she'll feel the pill bottles in her jacket, "We've missed seeing you around the house."

"And in class," Cory added.

"I've been sick," Maya offered, spared having to reply further when Josh entered through the front door.

"My brother," Cory said, opening his arms for a hug.

"My brother," Josh returned, embracing his older brother with a series of manly back pats.

"Where's my surprise?" Auggie demanded, placing his hands on his hips.

"This is Bethany," Josh said, opening the door wider so that they could see the girl waiting nervously in the hall. Maya noted that she was the same girl from the pictures.

"Your friend, tutor, random girl from across the hall, long, lost sister?" Riley suggested, her eyes widening as she looked at Maya and back again.

"My girlfriend," Josh corrected her, pulling the new girl into his side.

An awkward silence descended over the room and Maya found herself fidgeting for a whole new reason before she realized that she was the one they all expected to break it, "Well that's great. I've got to get home for dinner, but it was great meeting you."

"Maya," Riley protested, as Maya debated shoving passed them to get out the front door or leaving through Riley's window.

"You should stay," Topanga insisted, though Maya could tell that she was torn between wanting to talk to Maya and letting Maya get out of the suddenly awkward situation.

"I've told you about Maya, my niece, Riley's best friend," Josh introduced both Riley and Maya before any decision could be reached.

"I've heard a lot about both of you," Bethany offered, giving them a hesitant smile.

"Have you?" Maya turned the full force of her gaze onto Josh as she imagined exactly what he'd said about her.

"And this is my brother, Cory, his wife Topanga, and my nephew, Auggie," Josh hurried on, gesturing around the room.

"It's wonderful to meet you," Topanga bridged the distance, pulling Bethany into a hug.

Maya took the clear opening through the front door and bolted passed them, making it halfway down the stairs before she heard someone following her.

"Maya?" Josh called, catching her at the bottom.

"What exactly did you tell her about me?" Maya demanded, rounding on him and feeling her blood run cold as she heard the sound of pills shifting together in her pockets.

Thankfully, he was too caught up in the argument to pick up on it, "I was worried about you, you were on my mind."

"Really? Because my guess is that the phone calls stopped when you started hanging around with her," Maya told him, watching as guilt flickered across his face.

"You kept telling me that you were fine and you didn't need any help," he reminded her, "Shouldn't you be happy that I decided to believe you?"

"I thought you were in it for the long game," Maya repeated his words from his dorm room, watching as he realized the reference before she turned and continued out into the street.

"Maya, wait," he insisted, grabbing her arm before she could get any further.

"What do you want? You should be getting back to your family dinner."

"Do you need help? Is everything okay?" he asked, his expression earnest and genuine concern in it.

Her arm was still in his hand, though she could barely register the sting of her cuts and his face was inches from hers. She knew what she was about to do was wrong, but this was the least of the wrong things she'd been doing lately.

She wrapped her free arm around his neck in one fluid motion and pulled his lips to hers, surprised when he didn't automatically push her away. The kiss was over as quickly as it had begun and she hovered so that they could still feel each other's breathe on their faces.

"I'm not okay," she told him, darting down the street. She looked back once to see him still staring after her.

 **Thanks for reading! I actually really love this chapter, though it didn't get nearly as far as I hoped that it would. I would love some feedback on what you think. I'm not getting very many reviews for this story and I can't tell if it's because people just don't like it or if there's something else. So, please review and let me know what you think!**


	7. I'm (Not) Fine

_"You're going to have to talk to me at some point," the therapist said, leaning back in her chair as she played with the pen in her hand._

 _"I have to come here, I don't have to say anything to you," Maya replied._

 _"You were arrested," the therapist reminded her, "On drug possession. Have you ever used drugs?"_

Maya's days start to blur together and she finds herself missing large chunks of time. She has vague images of herself sitting in her classes and she thinks that she may even occasionally participate, but she's not really there.

She's taking pills in a bathroom stall on her lunch break and laying on her bed after school in a drug induced haze. She had wanted to lose herself in something, but in her rare moments of lucidity she would give anything to have her old self back.

She spreads out the OxyContin, taking it in between Cory's prescriptions in hopes that it will last longer and it works. The bad dreams have gone away. She's gotten exactly what she wanted except that food no longer has a taste and no longer appeals to her, she's losing chunks of hair at an alarming rate, and she just can't remember.

 _"I was holding them for a friend," Maya answers, becoming defensive. She's been repeating the same story since the moment she was caught and sometimes she thinks that she almost believes it herself._

 _"The friend who's waiting outside for you?" the woman presses._

 _"No, Farkle would never do drugs. He's too smart for that," Maya said, glancing at the clock to see how much more of this she was going to have to endure._

 _"You seem pretty smart," her therapist offered._

 _"That's because you don't know me," Maya snorted, thinking of the classes that she was on her way to failing._

 _"Then why don't you tell me something about you."_

There are moments and conversations that she can still pick out from the haze. She knows that Josh waits a week after she kisses him to call her, though she doesn't answer and deletes his message before she's tempted to listen to it. She can't handle any more disappointment and she can't handle any more heartbreak.

She can remember asking about Riley and discovering that Riley's gotten involved in the debate team. The practices and competitions keep her busy enough that Maya's not subjected to more than one or two conversations after the disastrous dinner that Riley invited her to. Maya stops going to art club, though she's not entirely sure when she made that decision.

She sometimes feels as though there's someone else in her body living her life, while she watches. The face in the mirror no longer reminds her of her father, but she's not sure that she likes it any better.

 _"My parents are divorced," is the first thing that comes to her mind, though Maya regrets the words the second that they're out of her mouth._

 _"Are you close to them?" the therapist asks and Maya realizes that maybe she should learn the woman's name._

 _"My father has another family and my mother works a lot," Maya replied, keeping the answers short and without feeling._

 _"What does your mother do?"_

 _"She's an actress, but she mostly just waits tables," Maya explained, surprised that she wasn't being pressed for more personal details._

 _"Is she upset about your arrest?"_

 _All Maya could respond with was laughter._

"Lucas, stop," Maya demands, stepping between him and the guy he had pinned to the locker moments ago.

"Get out of here, Maya," Lucas returned, his hands balled into fists and his eyes filled with rage.

"I heard you broke someone's collarbone last week on the field, you continue like this and you're going to get kicked off the team. Is that what you want?" Maya asked, trying to get through to him.

"Do you know what he said about Riley?" Lucas questioned.

"No, but I know that he's not worth it," Maya insisted, taking a step forward so that the kid behind her could escape.

He takes the opportunity and slips passed her and down the hall. For a minute, Maya thinks that Lucas is going to go after him, but he stops at the last second and throws a punch at the locker behind her. The sound echoes through the hallway and she winces.

"Feel better?" Maya questions after a moment of silence.

"Not really," he says rubbing the hand that's now probably bruised.

"You should put some ice on that," she suggests, grabbing her bag off the ground and shrugging it onto her shoulder.

"You're not going to come with me?" he asks, looking surprised.

"I'm not Riley, I don't have a compulsive need to take care of self-destructing people," Maya snorted, backing down the hallway.

"Are you okay?" he questioned, looking like he's seeing her for the first time.

"I'm fine," she insisted, turning her back to him as she made it to the end of the hall. She hesitated at the last second, turning her head to look at him, "Going home and drinking isn't going to make you feel any better."

"I thought you didn't take care of self-destructing people," Lucas reminded her, looking up from where he had been leaning against the locker he had just dented.

"That was a piece of advice, from one self-destructing person to another."

 _"There's a different boy with you, today. Who is he?"_

 _"He's just a friend," Maya answered, staring intently at the hole in her knee._

 _"You must have pretty good friends to keep coming here with you," the therapist suggests._

 _"They're on a rotation. They have assigned days and everything," Maya informed her, rolling her eyes at the thought._

 _"They're worried about you."_

 _"I'm fine," Maya insisted._

"Maya?" Josh stops her as she leaves the school building, her backpack slung over one shoulder and her body on autopilot.

"Haven't we done this before?" Maya questions, trying to place the feeling.

"We need to talk," he said, running his hands through his hair and she picks up on the way that his hands are twitching.

"Okay," Maya shrugs, waiting for him to continue.

He looks entirely taken off guard by how easily she gave in and she folds her arms as she waits for him to continue, "You told me that you weren't okay."

"When did I say that?" Maya pressed, digging through her head for the conversation.

"At Riley's house," he tries to remind her, but she continues to look at him blankly, "After you kissed me."

"I think I would remember _that_ ," she snorts, looking at him incredulously.

"Are you drunk?" he demands, his voice lowering to a whisper, "Because something isn't right, Maya."

"I'm not drunk, but thank you for the concern," she replied, rolling her eyes as she continues down the street.

"Maya," he snaps, hurrying after her.

"Josh, look at me," she insists, "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. You look anorexic," he replied, pulling up the sleeve of her sweatshirt and forcing her to look at her own arm, "I shouldn't be able to see the bone."

"Nobody else has said anything," Maya pointed out.

"I don't know how they could possibly miss this," Josh laughed humorlessly, releasing her arm as he ran his fingers through his hair in agitation, "I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help you."

"I don't need help," Maya snapped, "And you're the one who's acting weird."

"I think that we need to talk to someone, maybe Cory, probably Topanga. I think they would know what to do," Josh rambled and Maya frowned as she realized that in another lifetime she probably would have found it cute.

"I've got to go," she informed him, checking the time on her phone before she started heading towards the subway.

"I remember you kissing me," he called after her, "And I don't care how drunk you were, I think you remember it, too."

 _"Your eyes are bloodshot," the therapist (Maya still hasn't learned her name) informed her as Maya took her usual seat._

 _"I didn't sleep very well last night," Maya said defensively, folding her arms._

 _"You've been coming to my office twice a week for the last three weeks. I've seen the rotation of all of your friends, I've met your best friend's parents, and you still haven't told me the story of how you came to be here."_

 _"My father was an alcoholic," Maya informed her, "My mother doesn't talk about it, but I remember. I remember the fighting, the drinking, my mother crying after he left. I have his hair and his eyes, my mother never says it, but I'm pretty sure that's where all of my artistic talent came from."_

 _"You've never mentioned that you were an artist," her therapist jumped on the new bit of information._

 _"That was a lifetime ago," Maya said quietly, drawing back into herself._

 _"Do you worry that you're becoming your father?" she tried a new line of questioning._

 _"I used to, but now I've realized that this is all me."_

There's supposed to be some grand story about how she was arrested, but there really isn't. Even with rationing the pills she was eventually going to run out and she does, but this time she's prepared. She's asked around about where to buy them and how much it's going to cost and finds a dealer at the high school.

The dealer is a year younger than her and he's a walking cliché. His hair is dyed a dark black and he wears a hoodie and a pair of black jeans. She's pretty sure he's sporting some eyeliner, but all she really cares about are the drugs.

She's spent the last year saving up to replace her art supplies. Her brushes are losing bristles and she's almost out of paint. Canvas isn't exactly cheap and most of her painting has been done on paper that can't support the heavier paints. However, she doesn't really care when she starts experiencing the first signs of withdrawals.

The money she has saved isn't quite enough to cover it, but she knows where her mother stores her extra cash and change and is able to find enough to make up the difference. She also knows that there's no way she can hide the stealing from her mother and she's pretty sure that there's a part of her that wants to get caught.

She buys the bottle of OxyContin without any problems. It's after school and the halls are empty because there's a football game. They're in the one hallway that doesn't have security cameras and as she walks away she pops a pill into her mouth and swallows.

"What is that?" a voice asks and Maya jumps as she turns around to find Mr. Mathews standing outside of his classroom. He's dressed in a nice suit, though he's still holding his briefcase in his hand. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see as someone turns the corner at the end of the hallway that Mathews is on.

"What are you doing here?" Maya counters, her hand going to her pocket as she tries to think of how to hide the bag of medication.

"I'm taking Topanga out to dinner, but I realized that I forgot some papers that I needed to grade, here," he explained, a frown still on his face, "What's going on, Maya?"

"I'm here to watch Lucas play," Maya lied, staring intently at the floor.

"He's been suspended for the game because he got into a fight," Cory informed her, "Broke the kid's nose and he's lucky that they aren't pressing charges. Why are you here, Maya?"

"Did Josh say something to you?" Maya demanded, trying to figure out how to get out of this situation.

"Josh didn't have to say anything. You're never at the house anymore, you and Riley aren't talking, and you transferred out of my class. Riley told me that she thought something was going on with you and Lucas, but that's clearly not the case," Cory listed.

"I'm growing up and moving on, Mathews," Maya said, trying to shrug off his words.

"I've heard that you aren't going to art club, anymore. What about that?" Cory pressed.

"I lost interest," she snapped.

"I don't believe you," Cory said.

"That's not my problem," Maya turned and started walking away from him.

"Maya?" he called after her and even though she knew that she should keep going, something inside of her still told her to wait.

"What?" she asked, not bothering to turn around.

"Tell me what's going on and let me help you," Cory pleaded and tears started to gather in her eyes.

"I'm fine, Mathews," she replied, trying to keep her voice from breaking.

"If you tell me what's going on, I can protect you, but if you leave, I can't," he informed her and she was surprised when she found his voice cracking, too.

"It's too late to protect me anymore, Mathews," Maya sighed, continuing down the hallway and out the door.

She rounds the corner to the front of the school just as several police officers came out the front doors. Her dealer is already in handcuffs and the same man that tried to catch her for drug use the year before, who she thinks might be one of the administration, is standing behind him and points in her direction.

She knows that she can run, but at the end of the day, it's time for her to own up to what she's done. The road that she's started down is leading nowhere and so she stops and waits for a police officer and administrator to stop in front of her.

"I've been told that you just purchased an illegal substance," the police officer informs her, "Mr. Creswell claims that he saw this transaction along with Mr. Mathews."

"I was holding onto it for a friend," Maya said, pulling out the bag of pills before he could ask to search her.

"You're going to have to come with me down to the station. We'll call your mother," the police officer sighed, pulling out a pair of handcuffs. She turned and allowed him to fasten them, looking back to the school in time to see Mr. Mathews looking at her with tears running down his face.

 _"You asked me about what my mother did when she found out I was arrested," Maya offered._

 _"Do you want to talk about it?" Sherry asked. Maya had finally gotten around to asking what she wanted to be called and oddly enough the woman had insisted on her first name._

 _"She got the phone call from Mr. Mathews before the police and I think she had some kind of breakdown. She refused to believe that I would ever do anything like that and Mrs. Mathews went to go calm her down, while Mr. Mathews came to the police station. I hadn't even gotten bail, yet, but I think that he was planning on paying it. That's just the kind of people that the Mathews' are."_

 _"But he didn't?" Sherry clarified._

 _"No, when they asked for my mother's number, I didn't give it to them."_

"What's going on?" Rebecca Friar demanded as she entered the police station. They had Maya sitting on a bench, while they processed her paperwork and Cory was sitting across the room because Maya kept insisting that she didn't know him.

"Who are you here for?" the officer at the front desk asked, looking unimpressed with her declaration. Lucas was standing behind his mother, still dressed entirely in his football gear and his eyes immediately found hers.

"My daughter, Maya Hart," Rebecca informed him, leaning across the desk as the officer started typing.

"She's not your daughter," Cory offered, looking up at her incredulously.

"Really? Because I don't see anyone else here claiming her," Rebecca snapped, turning the force of her gaze onto the history teacher, "Are you here to give a statement?"

"I'm here because I care about Maya, too," he snapped, standing up to face her.

"Which is why you were a witness against her?" Rebecca returned.

"I tried to help her," Cory argued.

"We don't usually get these kinds of arguments in here," the officer dealing with her paperwork informed her, "I'll be right back."

The officer left the room and Maya watched as Lucas slowly inched his way towards her, finally settling on the bench next to her. Cory and Rebecca were still screaming at each other, as the officer at the front desk tried to calm them down.

"You know who we have to call," Lucas said conversationally and she's thankful that he's not asking her if she did it.

"I was hoping that your mother knew a good lawyer," Maya offered.

"Not nearly as good as Farkle's lawyer," Lucas replied, wrapping his arm around her. She was still in handcuffs and she hesitantly leaned her head into his shoulder.

"I don't want Farkle to know what I've gotten myself into," Maya admitted, "I don't want Riley to know."

"I don't think that there's a way around them finding out," Lucas said gently.

"Well, we are missing a few PTA members here, aren't we? Maybe you could have it announced over the speakers at the football game," Maya suggested, sarcastically.

"Farkle's lawyer got me out of the broken nose charge. We can deal with the rest, let's just get you out of here," Lucas pleaded.

"If you've dealt with him before, why can't you just call Farkle's lawyer?" Maya demanded.

"This may shock you, but we're not exactly as wealthy as the Minkus's. My guess is that a call from them is the only thing that's going to get him out of bed at this time of night," Lucas explained and she let out a humorless laugh.

"Okay," Maya sighed, staring intently at her knees.

"I'll make the call," Lucas squeezed her shoulder before returning to the front desk, where Rebecca regained her composure remarkably fast.

"If we're both looking out for the best interest of Maya, then I think we can both agree that her legal guardian should be here," Rebecca said calmly, "Where is she?"

"She's a little upset, my wife is trying to calm her down before they bring her in."

"She can cry here, I'm sure that it's nothing that these people haven't seen before. We need her to sign papers. The most important thing that we can be doing is getting Maya out of here," Rebecca insisted, as Lucas talked on the phone.

 _"And then you went to rehab?" Sherry asked, looking through her notes._

 _"It was a six-week program that Rebecca managed to get me into that night. When it came time for my hearing it looked a lot better that I was already enrolled in rehab," Maya said, repeating the words that her lawyer had used._

 _"How long after you got out did you start using again?"_

Rehab is everything that Maya expected and more, which really isn't saying much. The detox process is worse than the last time. She thought that the withdrawals were bad, but this redefines the entire experience. Her body shakes and she has to be restrained to keep from permanently scratching off her skin. She has headaches bad enough that she wants to hit her head against a wall and her sleep returns to being filled with nightmares.

She knows that her friends come to see her, but she doesn't want anyone to see her like this. The soberer she gets the more she can remember and the more guilt she feels. Shawn keeps sending her flowers and she tosses them as soon as they arrive. She can't help wondering where all of these people were before she had a problem, before she completely lost herself.

Josh stops by a couple of times, but she can't bring herself to see him. She can't bring herself to read the notes that he leaves at the front desk. She's a shell of what she once was and she's not sure that she deserves the people who still want to be a part of her life. She's done unforgiveable things and she's not sure that anything waits for her on the outside of the rehab facility, but the inevitable relapse that so many people around her are experiencing.

"Baby," Katy pulls her into a hug when she comes to pick her up.

"Mom," Maya greets her, closing her eyes against the tears that are threatening. She thought that she had gotten passed most of her anger with her mother, but now she knows that she hasn't. She's still mad that Katy turned her over to the Mathews to raise and that Katy never noticed that she had a problem.

"I've been worried, so worried about you," Katy insists, leading Maya down the street and in the direction of the subway.

"I'm doing fine, Mom. I'm all better," Maya snorts, though Katy doesn't seem to pick up on the sarcasm.

"Shawn wants to take use out to dinner and Lucas's mother said that she wants you to call her," Katy listed, wrapping her arm around Maya.

"So, everything just goes back to normal?" Maya asked, stopping in the middle of the street and refusing to continue following her mother.

"No, nothing is going to just go back to normal. Do you know what you put me through, Maya? I've been going to meetings and just one of those pills could have killed you. I could have woken up one morning and found that you had died in your sleep," Katy snapped and Maya was surprised to see the real anger that flickered across her mother's face.

"Because I did this to hurt you," Maya laughs, "This one just might not be about you. It might not be about Dad leaving you, or your dreams not coming true. This one might be about me feeling lost and abandoned because you're never there and Mr. Mathews, who you thought would do a better job raising me, testified against me in my hearing. Do you remember that?"

"He loves you, Maya," Katy dismissed her words, "You made a bad choice and you had to deal with the consequences, but we will get through this."

They're just words, things that people say to try and comfort each other, and as far as Maya's concerned her mother's words are entirely meaningless.

 _"I'm not using," Maya replied, looking up at her and willing the therapist to believe her._

 _"But you're tempted?" Sherry asked and Maya found herself thinking through the question._

 _"I have dreams about it. There's a part of me that craves them all the time. I'm so angry at everyone around me and I know that I have no reason to be, but the anger is always there. I just keep wondering if this is who I am now," Maya admitted, biting her lip, "And if this is who I am, what kind of life can I live like this?"_

 _"Are you still going to your NA meetings?"_

 _"I go, but I'm not sure that they're really helping," Maya admitted._

 _"What about community service?"_

 _"I don't mind it, but I'm just existing. Art used to make me feel alive, but now I can't even pick up a pencil. I feel lost and whenever I used to feel lost, I would go to Riley, but I can't. After how I treated her, I don't know that she would even want to see me," Maya replied, her thoughts coming out in a jumbled mess._

"Can we talk?" Maya asks, hesitating just outside of the bay window. This place used to be magic and Maya doesn't want to ruin it with the mess that she's made of her life.

"Of course," Riley agrees and Maya climbs through the window. Riley makes her way across the room and takes the familiar seat next to her.

"I owe you an explanation," Maya admitted, watching her lap intently, "You know I've always had a tendency to take things too far."

"This was a little bit more than too far, Maya," Riley pointed out and Maya can't shake the feeling that they're both reading from a script. They're saying what they think they're supposed to say and nothing of what they should be saying.

"I know, it started with the drinking and the parties. You had Lucas and Farkle had debate and for the first time I felt like I was on my own," Maya explained.

"I went with you to those parties," Riley reminded her and looking at her Maya suddenly realized that there was no way that Riley was ever going to understand. Talking to Riley wasn't going to fix things and all Maya really had left were lies.

"You went for Lucas. He was your everything and I spent a really long time hating him for that," Maya paused to get back on track, "After what happened with that guy, who tried to force himself on me, I couldn't sleep, I kept having these nightmares that would keep me up at night. Someone at my art camp suggested these pills that could help me sleep."

"Maya," Riley sighed, reaching across the distance between them to take her hand.

"They worked and for a while I needed that, but I don't think I'm addicted to them. My therapist has been working with me on dealing with my issues and I'm sleeping better," Maya found the words bitter in her mouth and Riley reached across the distance to squeeze her hand. They're the same things that Maya's been feeding her mother and she figures that she might as well keep the stories consistent.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Riley asked, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.

"I knew that you didn't want him at that party, but I dragged him along anyway. It was my fault that he got in that fight," Maya admitted.

"That wasn't your fault," Riley assured her.

"I know that, now. Lucas and I talked about it and he helped me to see that we both made our own mistakes," Maya said, forcing a smile. They were almost to the moment where they would hug it out and then Maya would be able to get out of here.

"That's good that you worked things out," Riley said mechanically and Maya's head snapped up incredulously as she pieced together the look on Riley's face. Maya could accept that Riley wasn't going to understand what Maya had gone through with the drinking and the drugs, she could understand that because no one seemed to get it, but now Riley was fixated on Lucas? Maya had come to try and fix them, but it was always just going to go back to Lucas.

"I know that you're probably upset that I didn't call you when I got arrested, but I just couldn't have you see how badly I had messed up this time," Maya added, the lies coming easily as she tried to just end the conversation. She'd already pieced together that Riley had no idea what role her parents had played in her arrest and she figured it was better just to keep it that way. Get the rest of her half-truth story out and retreat.

"But you called Lucas," Riley pointed out and Maya resisted the urge to laugh.

"I don't think you get it, Riley. There's this darkness inside of me, that is always there. It's what convinces me to do things that I should know better about and you're never going to understand it because you don't have to deal with it. Lucas gets it because he has his own darkness to fight," Maya gave one last-ditch effort to reason with her.

"You don't think that I deal with darkness?" Riley asked, her voice going cold.

"You sleep with a bunny nightlight and have Cory and Topanga for parents. So, no I think this is one thing that you can't understand," Maya said, reacting to Riley's tone.

 _"How was your session?" Lucas asks as they walk back towards his house. Maya's not allowed to be alone anymore and it's the Friar's turn to babysit her._

 _"It was fine," Maya offered, folding her arms to ward off the chill that was hovering in the air._

 _"It doesn't really seem to be helping. Every time you walk out of there you seem more upset," Lucas admitted and Maya paused to face him._

 _"I went to talk to Riley," she admitted._

 _"And?"_

 _"Riley didn't get it. I thought that after I got sober, maybe I could get some semblance of my life before all of this back, but I've realized now that I can't. I've realized that Riley is no longer my best friend, the Mathews' are no longer my family, and as badly as you want to, you can't go home," she laughed, wiping at the tears that were running down her cheeks._

 _"It will get better, Maya," Lucas promised._

 _"You really believe that? After everything that you've been through," Maya pressed, searching his eyes for any sign that he was just trying to make her feel better._

 _"Sometimes."_

Nick's pills are a higher dose then anything that she's taken before. They're the kind of pain pills that are supposed to make the end of life peaceful. Lucas had just left her alone for a moment, but the bottle of pills are left out on the counter and they promise a good night's sleep. They promise her happiness.

She takes two out of the bottle and shoves them into her pocket before Lucas can return. The Friar's will never notice them missing and they're just two pills. They're just something to take the edge off.

 _"When you dream, what do you dream about?" Sherry asks, looking up from the notes that she's been taking._

 _"Most of the time, I dream about that night at the party, but sometimes I dream that I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. The cliff is so high up that I can't even see what's at the bottom and I know that I don't have to jump."_

 _"What do you do?"_

 _"There's nothing at the top worth sticking around for."_

Maya slips both of the pills into her mouth and washes them down with water from the bathroom sink.

"Maya?" her mother calls through the door.

"What?" Maya asks, pulling the door open as she shoves her toothbrush back into her mouth.

"I just wanted to tell you goodnight and that I love you," Katy said, giving her a tentative smile, "I know that I'm not a perfect mother, but I really am trying."

"I know, Mom," Maya assured her, "I love you, too."

"I was thinking that maybe we should get away for a weekend, just you and me. We could rent a cabin and just spend some time away from everything," Katy suggested, looking at her hopefully.

"I would like that," Maya agreed.

"Good, I'll let you know," Katy smiled, making her way back down the hallway and into her own room.

Maya finished brushing her teeth and climbed into her own bed. Sleep came quickly.

The next morning, she didn't wake up.

 **Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed! I know this chapter is pretty heavy, but I would love to know what your thoughts are!**


	8. Crossroads

_"I'm a complete mess. I spend more time hungover, then I do sober and I'm barely passing most of my classes. Something like this could have easily happened a long time ago, Lucas wasn't even supposed to be there, tonight. What if he hadn't been?"_

Joshua Mathews had a good childhood. His brothers were both grown and out of the house and he often felt like an only child. He had his parent's attention whenever he wanted it and often when he didn't. He had good friends and plenty of good memories. It took him a long time to realize what a sheltered existence he lived.

The first time that he met Maya Hart was at a family party. Riley talked about her enough that he knew she was a regular part of his brother's family, but he didn't think much about her. She had wild, blonde hair and big, blue eyes and she seemed like someone who would get Riley into plenty of trouble, but if anyone could use a little trouble it was Riley.

Nobody treated Maya like it was strange that she was more a part of Cory's family than her own, but Josh got the feeling that Maya was living a very different life then what he was leading. There was something about the clothes that seemed a little over worn and the defenses that she kept up around everyone except for his niece that suggested she saw the world a lot differently then what he did.

 _"I've been killing off the good parts in me and I don't think that there's any getting them back."_

When she developed a crush on him he wasn't entirely sure what to think. She had always been Riley's best friend and he'd always looked at Riley as young. He had vague memories of Riley learning to walk and talk and keeping people captivated, while he got into trouble, so he felt like that should partially be how he saw Maya. She was supposed to stay Riley's annoying best friend.

That all changed when he found her outside of his dorm room. She looked tired and defeated, but there was also something haunted about her eyes that he couldn't quite place. He'd been late at the library studying because college was harder then what he had planned on and he felt the weight of trying to succeed and prove himself, but there's something about the weight that she appears to be carrying that suggests that maybe his problems aren't as big as he feels they are.

He'd thought she was beautiful the first time he'd run into her at the family Christmas party when she was in middle school, but high school Maya is different. He knows that he's seen her plenty of times since his move to New York, but somehow this is the first time that he's actually seeing her as a potential equal. As someone who is almost on the same level as him. It's a terrifying thought.

He promises her that he'll be awake the next morning and knows that he's broken his promise the moment he opens his eyes and finds her gone. All that's left is the imprint of her body on the bed and the lingering smell of alcohol and smoke. He played basketball in high school and knew what it felt like to realize that he'd failed his team, but this is different. This time he failed a person who turned to him when they needed someone and he knows that he has to make it up to her.

 _"I'm fine. I haven't had a drink in almost a week."_

"I'm fine," have to be the two worst words ever used to describe anything. Josh had heard them millions of times from millions of people and there was never any meaning behind them. They were just words used to fill a silence, they were an automatic response without any feeling. However, Maya uses them as a defense. Her voice is telling him over and over again that everything is okay, but her eyes tell him that she's not, his every instinct is telling him that she's not.

So, he calls her and asks about her whenever he sees Riley and he wishes that he could get her off of his mind. He knows that he shouldn't be spending as much time as what he is thinking about a girl who he's rejected over and over again. There's no logical reason why she should open up and talk to him, but every glimpse that she gives him of who she is pulls him in that much deeper.

She's one of those people that he's constantly reading between the lines to understand, but he just knows that something is wrong. He knows that she's not sleeping and that she's supposed to be at art camp, but she refuses to answer any of his questions about classes or what she's learning. She's not his responsibility, but somehow it feels like she is.

 _"I'm sober, I'm fine. I don't have a problem anymore, Josh, so you can go back to whatever you were doing before this."_

Then she's there in front of him and he suddenly can't breathe. Her eyes are bloodshot and she's lost enough weight that the clothes that she's wearing completely hang off of her and her hair is gone. The long, wild hair that he had always associated with her rested against her shoulders and curled, though it looked like she hadn't washed it in several days.

He's supposed to be introducing his girlfriend to his family. The first serious girlfriend that he's had since starting college and the first one that he can imagine an entire life with, but all he can think about is the girl in front of him who looks like she's falling apart.

"Where's my surprise?" Auggie demanded, placing his hands on his hips and jerking Josh's attention away from Maya.

He can't help thinking what a terribly bad idea it is to bring Bethany into this, but she's standing just outside the doorway and he knows that he has to do something. This was supposed to be a big night and stopping to ask Maya if she's severely hungover isn't going to leave the best impression on anyone involved.

"This is Bethany," Josh introduced the brunette, opening the door so that everyone could see.

"Your friend, tutor, random girl from across the hall, long, lost sister?" Riley suggested, but Josh's focus was on the emotions that played across Maya's face. This was a mistake, this was _his_ mistake and he would do anything to take it back.

"My girlfriend," Josh corrected her when Bethany gently nudged his side.

An awkward silence descended over the room and Josh found himself trying to think of any way to get out of it.

In the end it was Maya who finally spoke up, "Well that's great. I've got to get home for dinner, but it was great meeting you."

"Maya," Riley protested and Josh's eyes bounced from family member to family member as he struggled to know what the right thing was.

"You should stay," Topanga insisted, but Josh knew his sister-in-law well enough to see the hesitance in her voice.

"I've told you about Maya, my niece, Riley's best friend," Josh spoke up, when it became apparent that something needed to be said.

"I've heard a lot about both of you," Bethany offered, her voice timid and uncertain.

"Have you?" Maya asked, a dangerous note to her voice that had Josh wincing.

"And this is my brother, Cory, his wife Topanga, and my nephew, Auggie," Josh hurried on, gesturing around the room.

"It's wonderful to meet you," Topanga bridged the distance, pulling Bethany into a hug.

Maya used the distraction to slip passed them into the hall and it took Josh several seconds before he realized that no one was going to follow her. He'd never seen Riley look uncertain about anything that involved Maya, but he could clearly see the war that waging across his niece's face and in the end his body seemed to move completely on its own.

"Maya?" Josh called, taking two steps at a time as he hurried to make it down the stairs.

"What exactly did you tell her about me?" Maya demanded, rounding on him. He hadn't expected the attack and found himself fumbling to find the right response.

"I was worried about you, you were on mind," he explained.

"Really? Because my guess is that the phone calls stopped when you started hanging around with her," she spat and Josh winced because she was partially right. He'd gotten distracted when he'd met Bethany and caught up in the relationship. It had been too easy to forget that he was supposed to be checking up on Maya.

"You kept telling me that you were fine and you didn't need any help," he reminded her, "Shouldn't you be happy that I decided to believe you?"

"I thought you were in it for the long game," Maya repeated his words from his dorm room, staring intently at him before she continued in the direction that she had been going.

"Maya, wait," he insisted, grabbing her arm before she could get any further.

He wanted to tell her about all of the nights he had laid awake worrying about her and how he didn't understand why she was constantly on his mind. She wasn't supposed to be, she was supposed to be his niece's best friend, she was supposed to be too young for him.

"What do you want? You should be getting back to your family dinner," Maya reminded him, glaring at him impatiently.

"Do you need help? Is everything okay?" he asked, knowing that the words hardly made up for his decision to push her from his mind. It didn't make up for his attempts to try and make his life go back to normal.

He watched as something reckless blazed through her eyes before she grabbed the back of his neck and pulled his lips to hers. There wasn't anything hesitant in the way that her lips molded to his and demanded that he really see her.

It was short and she was pulling away just as quickly as she had pulled him to her, just as she had a tendency in doing whenever it came to them. However, he knew that he had just reached a crossroad and whatever he decided was going to impact everything from that point.

"I'm not okay," she told him, before darting away from him and down the street.

She had just admitted to him that she needed help, but for the first time he wasn't sure that he could give it.

He goes back upstairs and they carry on as if nothing has happened. He just kissed someone other than the girlfriend who is trying to charm his family, but he eats the food that Topanga prepared and exchanges small talk with his brother. He talks about basketball with Riley and tries not to think about the fact that he just kissed her best friend right outside of the building.

"You're being quiet," Bethany pulls him from his thoughts and he looks up at her guiltily. He can still feel Maya's lips against his own and her words echo over and over again in his head. He's spent months trying to get her to admit that she needs help, but now he has no idea how to help her.

"I'm sorry, I just have a lot on my mind," he apologizes, looking across the cab.

Bethany is beautiful and smart. She grew up with the same kind of background as him and has dreams of going to law school and traveling across Europe. She's sophisticated and her clothes always match and are always bought brand new. She has dreams and hopes for the future and she's everything that he's ever been looking for.

 _"Same time, tomorrow?"_

He should have called.

The thought runs through his mind over and over again. It took him a week to get back to her after the kiss, a week of him agonizing over what he was going to tell Bethany and how he was going to help Maya when she still had feelings for him. Could he even help her when he was supposed to be committed to Bethany?

She doesn't answer his calls and he gets no response to his messages, which he lets go on longer then what it should. When he finally confronts her, he knows that something is horribly wrong. She looks worse than she did the last time that he saw her and he knows that he has to do something.

"Something's not right with Maya," Josh announces as he pushes open the door to his brother's home.

"I know, she transferred out of my class," Cory informed him, barely looking up from where he's grading papers at the kitchen table. Topanga is on her laptop next to him and the sight is familiar enough that he figures that things are going to be okay, "Riley thinks that she's dating Lucas."

"She looks anorexic," Josh offers, trying to get his brother to understand.

"I'll bring it up with her mother," Topanga suggests.

"How could her mother miss this?" Josh demands, "She looks like she's not sleeping and I think she might have a drinking problem."

"Josh, this is Maya, she has a tendency to let things get out of control, but she's a good kid," Cory insists, "Are you sure that you're not creating a problem where there isn't one?"

"She told me that she's not okay, she told me that something was wrong," Josh pleaded.

"Okay, we'll look into it," Cory agreed and Topanga gave him a hesitant nod.

When she gets arrested, he knows that he didn't push hard enough. He should have followed up on turning things over to Cory and Topanga, but they had always fixed everything before. How could they have let the ball drop on this one?

She gets arrested and spends six weeks in a rehab facility and he feels like he's failed her all over again, although it helps this time because his big brother's dealing with the failure, too.

"Are you going to see that girl in rehab again?" Bethany asks, looking up from the textbook that she's been reading. They're both about to start bachelor's programs and he's supposed to be in the middle of writing an essay, but instead he's pulling on his jacket and heading for the door of the apartment that he shares with a couple of friends.

"I've been there enough times that I'm sure you know her name is Maya," Josh pointed out, grabbing his wallet off of the dresser and turning back to her.

"I think that it's nice that your family has taken her in, but don't you think this is a little excessive?" Bethany questions, frowning.

"If it were me in there, I think that she would visit," he offered, knowing that it wasn't much to go on. He's known Maya for years, but all he gets are glimpses of who she actually is and the idea of never seeing the whole picture makes him incredibly sad.

"So, you think of her like a niece?" Bethany presses and he smiles as he realizes that there's jealousy in her voice. He still hasn't found the words to tell her that Maya kissed him, but if she was high when she was kissing him, did it actually count?

"She's still in high school, Beth. There's nothing going on," he assures her, crossing the room to kiss the brunette.

"I know; you just seem to be really close to her," Bethany explained, as he pulled away.

"She's family. I'll be back later tonight," Josh promises.

"Josh, I love you."

It's the first time that she's said those words and he finds himself freezing as he tries to process what he should do. He cares about Bethany, but he was raised to believe that you don't just throw those words around. When you tell someone that you love them, you have to mean it and he's not sure that if he says them he will.

Josh has always been the kind of person to turn to actions when words failed him, so he kisses her again and pretends that his feelings aren't twisted inside of his chest, until he doesn't understand them, anymore.

 _"I'm not okay."_

When he gets the news that Maya overdosed, he leaves his class in the middle of a lecture. He's not thinking or processing anything as he recklessly makes his way to the hospital and moves up the steps. It's late afternoon and the phone call that was made by Cory is a complete afterthought.

It's a courtesy, "Hey, Maya's in the hospital dying and Riley's going to donate her kidney." For the first time, he's not looking at his older brother as a hero because this mess should have been prevented. He told Cory something was wrong and his brother didn't do enough to fix it. Josh didn't do enough to fix it.

"I'm not saying that we let Maya die or that we let Riley donate her kidney," someone is saying when Josh finally finds the waiting room that Cory and Topanga are standing in. A blonde woman, who looks enough like Maya for Josh to know it's her mom, is crying and the situation looks tense enough to know that they're arguing.

"Which is why Kermit is going to do it," the blonde insists, "He's on his way right now."

"Maya doesn't want her father's kidney," Riley snapped and everyone turned to look at her, "We can't force his kidney on her."

"I read somewhere that if a patient doesn't want a kidney their body is more likely to reject it," The Genius offers and he finds himself feeling an unwilling compassion for Maya's mother. He recognizes the fear and blame that are written all over her face.

"Riley, doing this will completely change your life," Topanga says gently, "If we have another option, I think that it's best that we take it."

"I want to get tested," Josh speaks up and he watches as he suddenly finds himself the center of attention.

"What?" Maya's mother looks at him incredulously.

"She told me that she had a problem and I didn't do enough to help her with it. If I can give her my kidney, then maybe I can make up for that," Josh explained.

"It's a big deal, Uncle Josh," Riley informs him, "I don't think that Maya would ever ask this of you."

"But she's be more likely to accept my kidney then her father's, right?" Josh asked, looking to the room for an answer.

"I don't know," Riley admits, her attention shifting to the floor.

"She's been worried that she's going to become her father," Lucas explains, "She will hate herself and she won't get better, if she believes that the only thing keeping her alive is something that she got from Kermit."

"We're acting like Josh is already a match," Topanga sighs, "He needs to be tested before this even becomes an option."

He's had blood tests before, but this one feels different somehow. Things seems to slow down and he's watching everything happen without being able to process anything that isn't going on inside the hospital.

The testing doesn't stop at a blood test and the tests are more invasive then what he thought they would be, but his decision doesn't really change. She's Maya Hart and he's not ready to live in a world where she's not constantly surprising him and running around with Riley.

Maya's mother falls asleep in one of the waiting room chairs and Topanga watches over her, while Cory paces the hallway just outside of the waiting room. Riley is sitting next to her ex-boyfriend, their arms and hands barely touching on the shared armrests that they're both resting on. He remembers Cory mentioning that Maya and Lucas were dating and wonders if Maya notices the way that Lucas still looks at his niece.

"I testified against Maya at her hearing," Cory informed him, when Josh can't stand sitting in the waiting room for any longer, "I thought I was helping her take responsibility for her actions and get the help that she needed, but I was wrong."

"Have you told her that?" Josh asked, leaning against the wall.

"She hasn't been talking to me," Cory admitted.

"You should call Shawn," Josh suggested, patting his brother's shoulder.

"He's not answering my calls, either," Cory sighed, "I don't think he's ready to forgive me, yet."

"Then you should have Topanga call him or the hospital. He would want to be here and you know it. Maya would want him here," Josh reminded him.

Cory nodded, disappearing down the hallway and Josh returned to the agonizing, waiting.

 _"People like me; we wear the people around us down. We destroy things, especially ourselves, and we disappoint the people who bother to believe in us. So, Josh, let it go."_

Nobody says anything, but Josh knows that Kermit is supposed to be here by now and he's not. Katy is awake and keeps calling someone on her phone every few minutes and the sun has set outside of the hospital. Nobody has to say anything for Josh to know that Maya is running out of time, he can feel it.

"Mr. Mathews, I have the results of your blood test," a doctor informs him, pausing in front of him.

"Am I match?" he questions, standing up.

"You are, but I have to ask you if you're sure about this. I can't let you donate if I think that you're being pressured into it," the doctor informed him.

 _"You don't love me. You've made that very clear."_

Maya's invaded his head for the last six months. She's never been far from his thoughts and her words have played over and over again through his mind, until he has them memorized. He figures that it was probably inevitable that his head would eventually line up with his heart and he would realize what had been happening to him since she showed up at his dorm room and reminded him that they were playing a game he wasn't ready to have end, yet.

"I love Maya, I want to do this," Josh replied.

 **Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing! I really love getting the feedback. I apologize to those who are waiting for an update on Laws of Timing, I'm really struggling with writing Riley and Lucas after that last GMW episode.**

 **Happy Fourth of July to those who are in my neck of the woods and thanks for reading. I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


	9. The View from the Bottom

_Maya's pretty sure that she's dreaming. Wherever she is, is bright and there's a fog to it that suggests it isn't reality. Sometimes, she the fog lifts, just enough, that she seems to see herself lying in a bed._

 _Her blonde hair is fanned out across a pillow and her face is pale and something about it seems wrong. Something about how still her entire body looks, seems wrong. She's too lifeless and there's something in her mouth that Maya doesn't entirely recognize. If it is a dream, she assumes that it must be a nightmare._

 _But most of the time she's walking through a fog of nothingness and waiting for something to happen. She gets the feeling that decisions are being made and the outcome will decide what happens to her next, but she doesn't seem to get a say in them. Time doesn't seem to mean anything in the fog, but the longer that she's there the heavier she starts to feel. The harder it is to move or to think._

 _"Maya?" a voice asks and the fog clears just enough for her to make out Nick's face._

 _"What are you doing here?" Maya questions, feeling strange that someone else has appeared in her dream._

 _"Same thing as you, I'm waiting," Nick informed her, looking passed her._

 _"For what?" Maya asks, but the fog is closing in again and she never gets an answer._

The only thing waiting for Maya at the bottom of the cliff is pain. Her entire body feels torn apart and every breath feels heavy and forced, when she finally regains consciousness. Her arms and legs feel heavy and the lights are entirely too bright when she manages to get her eyes open.

"Maya," a voice greets her, squeezing her hand as she blinks to try and make the room seem less blurry.

Maya tries to talk, but there's a tube in her throat and she finds herself panicking as she realizes that she's trapped. The sound of beeping fills the room and a woman in scrubs enters and quickly turns off the machine.

"We had a tube in your throat helping you to breathe and I'm going to take it out, but I need you to stay still, okay?" the woman explains, staring at Maya intently.

Her eyes widen and she closes her eyes as she feels the tube leaving her throat and a burning trail in its wake. Her throat feels dry and scratched and she starts coughing as soon as her airway is clear. A pain in her abdomen keeps her from sitting up and she finds herself groaning in pain.

"It's okay," Shawn's voice reassures her, brushing her hair out of her face as he returns to her line of vision.

"What happened? Where am I?" Maya demands, taking in the hospital room from the light, blue walls to the painting of a garden that hangs opposite of the bed.

Shawn looks helplessly to the woman in the scrubs and she sits down in the chair at Maya's side, "Based on your toxicology results you overdosed on Oxycodone, which also is known as OxyContin or Percocet. You were incredibly fortunate, in most cases it slows down your respiratory system and you stop breathing, but in your case it pushed you into organ failure. Your kidneys' stopped functioning and you had to have a transplant."

"I almost died?" Maya clarified, trying to wrap her mind around what the woman was saying. Most of the medical terms went straight over her head, but, "kidney transplant," and, "stop breathing," made it through.

"You should have died, it's a miracle that you didn't," the woman informed her, leaving the room.

"She's a little blunt, but I've been assured that Nurse Nancy is very good at her job," Shawn informed her, running his hands through his hair as he turned away from her, "Your mother is a mess. She had to be admitted due to severe exhaustion and dehydration. She's down in the ER now with Topanga and she begged me to stay here with you. What were you thinking, Maya?"

"I wasn't trying to kill myself, you have that look on your face that says you think that I did, but that wasn't my intention. I started drinking and I couldn't stop and then I started taking pills and it was what was getting me through the day. I've just been so lost," Maya admitted, tears filling her eyes and she reached up with a hand that was hooked to an IV to wipe them away. The shock at almost dying had her feeling like she needed to explain what had happened and she couldn't stop talking.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Shawn asked, turning around and she was surprised to find that tears were filling his eyes, too.

"I don't know," Maya admitted, "Everything just kept spiraling out of control and I wasn't thinking, I was just doing things."

"I need to go tell your mom that you're awake. Everyone was worried when you didn't wake up after the surgery," Shawn informed her.

"How long have I been out?" Maya demanded, wincing as the words burned her throat.

"Two weeks, it's been two weeks," he said, quietly, his voice cracking with the words.

Riley's the next person to enter the room, her breathing heavy from running and her hair a mess around her face. She stares at Maya for several seconds and for the first time Maya can't read any of the emotions that are playing their way across her face.

"Hey," Maya hesitantly greets her.

"We're supposed to be best friends," Riley informs her, crossing the room, "We're supposed to laugh and cry and hurt together, Maya. It doesn't matter if you're dating my ex-boyfriend, or doing drugs, or in jail because we're supposed to deal with all of that together. As mad as we get at each other and as badly as we hurt each other, we're both supposed to be there at the end of the day. But you almost died. You almost died and I realized that we don't have any of that, anymore. When did we stop being there for each other?"

"I don't know," Maya admitted, "I went to a dark place, Riles, and I didn't want to take you with me."

"You don't get to decide that for me, anymore. You don't get to decide that I've never experienced anything dark and you don't get to decide that I'll never understand what you're going through because I haven't dealt with the things that you have. I promised to be your best friend forever and they weren't just words, so you don't get to go to these dark places without me, anymore. If you wouldn't take me with you, you shouldn't be going there, anyway."

"I'm sorry," Maya apologized, "You're never going to know how sorry I am."

"I stopped by your house and I found this on your nightstand," Riley informed her, holding up Maya's best friend ring, "I know you spent the last few months high, but you kept wearing this ring, even when we weren't talking and even when our relationship was a mess. So, I figure that some part of you must have wanted to fix things eventually."

"Are you going to give it back?" Maya enquired, holding up her hand.

Riley crossed the room and placed the ring in Maya's palm, her own ring catching the light that was filtering in through the slits in the blinds of the hospital window.

"I almost gave you my kidney because I would give anything to make you whole, but I can't make you whole unless you want to be," Riley informed her.

"I love you, but you can't carry me through this, Riles. We're always going to be best friends, but someday you're going to have to follow your dreams and we both know that they're going to take you away from me. I need to learn how to make myself whole, I need to learn how to live with myself and I want you with me while I do that, but you have to stop thinking that you can single-handedly fix me."

"I'll stop trying to fix you, but you have to stop trying to protect me," Riley offered, sinking down on the chair next to Maya's bed.

"Deal," Maya agreed, slipping the ring onto her finger.

Her mother is escorted into the room in a wheelchair and she looks like she's aged ten years overnight. Her face is tired and there are bags under her eyes. Maya's pretty sure she's lost about ten pounds, too, and despite all of Maya's struggles with her mother she finds herself feeling incredibly guilty.

"I'm not sure that there are words for this situation," Katy informed her, biting her lip, as the wheelchair stopped at the side of her bed. Riley is still sitting on Maya's other side and Shawn stands awkwardly at the foot of her bed.

"I'm sorry, Mom," Maya offered.

"I thought you were doing better, you kept saying that you were doing better. We were making plans, Maya, and then you didn't wake up. If I hadn't checked on you that morning, you would be dead," Katy informed her.

"I'm not okay, I haven't been okay. I have a problem and I don't think that it's the kind of thing that will just go away," Maya informed her, thinking of all of the mornings that her mother hadn't checked on her. The mornings that she had gotten away with being hungover and the mornings that she had spent cutting classes while her mother was at work.

"Your father's here and he wants to see you. I wasn't going to tell you, but he's leaving tomorrow and so if there's any chance that you want to see him, it has to be now," Katy said, looking away.

"Why is he here?" Maya demanded, anger pulsing through her, "How would he even know that I was in the hospital?"

"Maya, he wanted to donate his kidney," Riley spoke up and Maya turned her glare onto her best friend.

"You didn't put _his_ kidney inside of me? He's the reason that I'm an addict, he's the reason that other people can drink without getting addicted and I can't. I hate the idea that any of my genetic makeup comes from him, but you're not actually telling me that you let him be the hero who kept me alive?"

"He didn't get here in time to donate his kidney," her mother replied, keeping her voice even, "And I'll go on record as saying that I would have let him donate his kidney if he had been here. You were dying and really didn't get a say. Maybe the next time that you're tempted to use, you can remember that."

"Why don't we go for a walk before we say anything that we can't take back?" Shawn suggested, returning to the back of Katy's chair.

"Okay," Katy warily agreed and Maya watched as the two of them left the room.

"So, if it wasn't you and it wasn't my father, whose kidney did you put in me?" Maya demanded, returning her attention to Riley.

"I don't know," Riley said, her gaze falling to the ground and refusing to meet hers.

"I think that you do," Maya countered.

"Well, I think that you should talk to your father. You have unresolved issues, Maya, and you need to deal with them."

"Not while I'm stuck in a hospital bed and I feel weak," Maya replied.

Riley pulled her phone from her pocket and a frown creased her face as she read through the message, "Lucas is on his way to see you."

"You can stay," Maya pointed out as Riley stood up from her chair.

"I may be willing to do a lot of things for you, but watching you and Lucas together isn't one of them," Riley replied, tucking her phone back into the pocket of her pants.

"I don't know what you think is going on with Lucas and me, but we're just friends," Maya insisted.

"Even if you are just friends, seeing how close you are, isn't something that I can deal with right now. I love you, Maya, and I'll be back to visit you before your transfer," Riley promised, squeezing Maya's hand on her way out.

Maya closed her eyes and let out a sigh as she realized how messed up the entire situation had become.

"A piece of advice from one self-destructing person to another," Lucas said as he entered the room, "I think that it's time that we stop."

"You think?" Maya snorted, as he sunk down in the chair next to her bed.

"We let things really get out of control, didn't we?" Lucas asked, letting his head sink into his hands on the edge of her bed.

"Yeah, but we're both still here, which means we can still fix things," Maya offered, "How's Nick?"

"He's in the hospital right now and steadily declining. He refuses to let go of that picture that you drew him," Lucas informed her.

"I want to see him before they ship me off to rehab or a psych ward, or wherever they're sending me," Maya insisted.

"My parents don't know about your overdose, I couldn't put one more thing on them," Lucas admitted.

"Then you can help me get rid of this IV and I'll get dressed. We can be in and out before anyone knows that I'm gone," Maya suggested.

"You're hooked up to dozens of machines, someone will know," Lucas disagreed, "And your mother would kill me."

"I think it's too soon for the death jokes," Maya pointed out and he let out an emotionless laugh.

"I told Riley about Nick," Lucas informed her, staring intently on the sheets that were tangled around Maya on the bed, "And you want to know what I realized?"

"This is going to be something incredibly depressing, isn't it?" Maya guessed, reading the look on his face.

"You don't look at me like a hero, you never have," Lucas said and Maya wondered if they should be checking Lucas for drug use.

"I know that you're a good person," Maya offered.

"But you've never really been in love me," Lucas pointed out and Maya let out a laugh that ended in her groaning with pain.

"You are the most conceited, good person that I know," Maya snorted, "You don't really think that everyone just falls in love with you?"

"What I realized," he gave her a look that let her know she was missing his point, "Is that Riley loved me and she saw me as a hero and Farkle saw me as this superhuman and he's my best friend, but there's a part of him that hates me for the way that everyone sees me and I liked that. I liked being the good guy, I still want to be him, but I'm a lot more flawed then what I let on."

"I'm not sure what this has to do with telling Riley about Nick."

"I didn't want to go through this with someone who would be understanding, I didn't want to go through this with someone who would try to save me or try to comfort me. I wanted to self-destruct and be angry and let my life spiral completely out of control. You talked about wanting to burn, well I wanted to burn everything down," Lucas informed her, "Which is why I told you and not Riley."

"We're not good for each other, are we?" Maya asked, trying to process his words.

"Do you blame me for your overdose?" Lucas returned, his eyes meeting hers.

"No."

"Am I the reason that you started taking painkillers?" Lucas continued.

"No," Maya returned, gesturing for him to get to the point.

"We were both going to self-destruct, regardless of whether we were doing it together, or not. But you knew how to pull me back from the edge and I let you fall."

"I didn't fall, I jumped," Maya corrected him.

"My point is that I need you," Lucas ignored her, "You got me through this last summer and I'm sorry that I let you down, but you were exactly what I needed. And I'm going to help you come back from this and be the person who pulls you back from the edge, from now on."

"You know Riley claimed that role in my life years before I even met you, right?" Maya asked, trying to figure out what to do with what he was telling her.

"Riley's your Farkle," Lucas offered and Maya raised an eyebrow, "She's the best friend that sees the best in you, like Farkle does for me."

"Riley sees the best in everyone," Maya pointed out.

"They see us as so much more then what we see ourselves," he tried and Maya conceded the point, "We're the best friends that can see the worst in each other, that can tolerate the worst in each other and still have a conversation like this in the end. I need someone in my life who doesn't believe in me and I think you need that, too."

"I was right, this is depressing," Maya said, at a loss of what else she could say.

"But you get it, right?"

"If you try to get me a best friend ring, I will hit you in the eye with it," Maya informed him, shifting her position.

"Deal," Lucas returned.

Maya's sleep that night was restless and she found herself spending more time staring at the ceiling then what she did actually sleeping. She knew that a fear of what awaited her in her dreams was what got her into this mess in the first place, but now she's dealing with the fear that she'll never wake up.

"There's forty-three ceiling tiles, in case you're wondering," Shawn offers from the chair next to her. Katy's doctor had insisted that she go home and sleep in her own bed and it was Shawn who was spending the night with her. She doesn't have to ask what he was doing counting ceiling tiles in her room because she already knows that he was waiting for her to wake up.

"Thank you for being here. Thank you for taking care of my mom," Maya said, turning to look at him.

"I love her, I love you. Almost losing you was the single most terrifying thing that I ever experienced," Shawn admitted.

"I think my life might have been a lot different if things had worked out between the both of you," Maya sighed.

"Have you ever played that game with Cory? _The Family Game_?" Shawn asked and Maya suppressed a smile.

"Yeah, I've played it," she admitted.

"Life is a lot like that game, you have to keep going regardless of how bad things get and who you consider as family gets redefined over and over again. The game isn't over for either of us, Maya."

"There's something that I need to do," Maya admitted.

Nick's room wasn't actually that far away from Maya's, but it was a lot less generic then hers was. She could see the personal touches that screamed Rebecca, all over the room. Posters had been hung on the walls and action figures rested on a table next to Nick's bed, along with framed pictures of the Friar family. Someone had even hung cut-out stars from paperclips and string that was taped to the ceiling. There was an abandoned jacket that Riley knew to be Lucas's hanging over one of the chairs and a set of shoes that were peeking out from under the bed.

This hospital room looked lived in and the thought made Maya feel incredibly sad. Sure enough, her own picture rested on the bed next to Nick, though Nick looked pale and had the same tube helping him breathe that Maya had woken up with. Maya quietly crossed the room, wincing with every step.

Shawn was waiting at the door with the wheelchair that he had insisted be used to bring her there and Rebecca was asleep on a couch that rested under the window.

"Hey, Nick," Maya said quietly, grabbing his hand as she sunk down in the chair next to his bed, "It's Maya. I just wanted the chance to tell you goodbye and how lucky I was to get the chance to know you. And I want you to know that I haven't forgotten my promise. I'll look out for Lucas and I'll tease him, just like you would. Don't tell him this, but even though I'm not in love with him, I do love him. And I love you."

Maya paused as the tears running down her cheeks threatened to turn into sobs and she gently pressed a kiss to his forehead, committing his face to memory. Something in her knows that this is the last time that she's going to see him alive and so she makes her last few moments count.

Shawn is still waiting for her at the door and she lowers herself into the chair without argument. She has an entire future waiting, but she tucks this piece of time into her heart, where it can live on long after it ends.

 **I got some comments last chapter about how I was altering things from Laws of Motion and that's partially true. Maya's going to remember things differently then Riley did, so I've switched up some of the conversations and not all of the events are going to line up. In regards to the kidney donation in Laws of Motion, I never came out and said that Kermit donated his kidney, I only said that Riley didn't and Kermit was planning to. I know that it could be argued that who donated the kidney does impact Riley's story, but Laws of Motion was supposed to really focus on Riley and Lucas's journey and I didn't want to spent a ton of time focusing on Maya's overdose, so I didn't expand on it. This story is about Maya's journey and I've written it pretty present-tense, so we're going to get a lot more detail and expansion on plot lines and ideas, then what we got in the flashbacks of Laws of Motion. As for the things that I've altered between the stories, you're the reader, I've given you two sides of the story and you get to decide what you think happened and how it happened.**

 **Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing! I greatly appreciate the continued support and I will admit that the reviews are a huge motivation in my writing. Speaking of which, I would love to hear what you think! Thanks again!**


	10. Sounds in the Silence

There are two things that everyone has in common: everyone is born and at some point everyone will die. It's a morbid thought, but Maya can't help contemplating the idea all the same. She almost died, ceased to keep living, was almost put in a wooden box and lowered in the ground. However, she said it, it was a difficult concept to grasp.

Her friends almost had two funerals to attend, instead of one.

"You're looking better," Cory offered, as he was led by one of the workers to the patio chair that she was lounging in. It was late November and they were expecting snow any day, but it didn't stop her from sitting outside with a sweatshirt wrapped around her.

"What do you want, Mathews?" Maya asked, staring intently at the warped glass of the table.

"I know you're mad at me, but I figured we could talk," he suggested, sinking down in the chair across from her.

"You were doing your job, I get it," Maya replied, wincing as she shifted her position and it pulled on her side. She was still healing from her surgery and any movement tended to hurt.

She wanted to press a hand to the wound, but she wasn't ready to show any signs of weakness. She'd been going through an emotionally raw stage and she wanted as much distance between herself and the man she had looked at like a father, as possible.

"I should have done a better job of protecting you, I should have noticed that something was wrong," Cory admitted, "I let you down and I'm sorry."

"People keep telling me that they let me down, but I did this to myself. You remember when you told us that people change people?" Maya asked, looking up at him.

"The secret of life," he offered.

"You were wrong," Maya informed him, "People influence people. You, Topanga, Riley, my parents; all of you influenced me. But who I am, who I choose to be, what I do, that's on me. You could have noticed I was an Oxy addict months ago, you could have noticed that my drinking got out of hand, you could have talked to me and maybe put me in a program, but you couldn't change me. I would have gone right back to it if I wanted to, I did go back to it. The secret of life, Mathews, is that we change ourselves. We choose who we want to be and what influences we're going to follow. So, you didn't let me down, I let myself down."

"Maya, I've always looked at you as a part of my family and maybe you were going to make bad choices, anyway, but I should have done a better job of being there for you. I shouldn't have testified against you," Cory offered.

"My record is going to go away when I turn eighteen and I'm getting a fresh start. So, no harm, no foul," Maya shrugged.

"So, we're okay?" Cory asked, looking at her hesitantly.

"I don't know if we're okay, but I forgive you. I want to move on from this," Maya replied, thoughtfully.

"I know that your mother told you that you couldn't go to Nick's funeral," Cory informed her.

"She's worried that it will reset all of my progress," Maya snorted, her gaze turning to her knees.

"You don't think that it will?" Cory questioned.

"I don't know if you ever met, Nick, but he was a good kid. He worshiped the ground that Lucas walked on and he had this obsession with astronomy and the stars. He loved to fish and he dipped his french-fries in shakes, which I thought was disgusting, but I think might have made him enjoy doing it that much more. I love Lucas's family and they've been there for me, so I owe it to them to try and be there, too."

"If you want me to, I'll talk to your mom," Cory suggested, but she could see the way that he was processing her words. Processing what the new knowledge might do to Riley.

"She's not in a very flexible mood," Maya offered, "She's been to see me twice since I got here and she mostly just rambles about all of the new rules she's going to have when I get out."

"You scared her," Cory explained.

"I'll be eighteen in a couple of months. If she wanted to be one of those strict parents, she's a little late," Maya replied, her voice hardening.

"You focus on getting better and I'll talk to your mom," Cory offered, standing up from the chair. She watched the way he looked at her like he was trying to decide whether he should hug her, but she wasn't exactly there, yet. He settled for squeezing her shoulder before he started moving back to the French doors of the rehab center.

"Hey, Mathews?" Maya called and he stopped, "Will you thank Josh for the flowers."

"He's wanted to come see you," Cory admitted, turning around, but it sounded a lot like an excuse.

Riley had already explained to her that Bethany and Josh were in the middle of a fight and Josh had been sick, which made him pretty poor company. Then, he was headed into finals week and the timing wasn't great. The excuses kept piling up, but Maya was able to read through the lines. They all translated to the fact that he had given up on her, that she'd pushed him away too many times. Or maybe it was that she didn't need to be saved, anymore, and he was ready to move onto his next project.

"His girlfriend, is she good for him?" Maya asked, forcing herself to meet Cory's gaze.

"You've got your entire life in front of you, Maya. You're starting on a journey where you're going to figure out what you want that life to be. Josh and Bethany have already figured that out, they're on the same level."

"Okay," Maya agreed, turning to face the table again.

She's not entirely sure what Cory says to her mother, but Riley informs her that Shawn has a lot to do with the decision to let her fly to Texas. She figures that the deciding factor is that Cory and Topanga had both agreed to go and Riley and Farkle had compiled a PowerPoint presentation explaining their plan to watch Maya the entire time that she was there, but she's mostly just glad that it works.

Her mother is the one to sign her out of rehab and Riley's waiting by the door with a bag of Maya's things. She'll travel to the airport, to Texas, and be checked back in to rehab as soon as the plane lands on the return trip.

"If I find out that you've done anything that you're not supposed to, while you're there, we'll be adding more time onto your stay," Katy informs her as a nurse inputs the code to let Maya beyond the glass door that separates the inmates from the outside.

"I almost died, Mom. It's not an experience that I'm in a hurry to relive," Maya returned, folding her arms.

"The people that I've talked to say that it's a compulsion, the cravings get bad enough that you just don't care," Katy said, her voice taking on a hysterical tone.

"I have good days and bad days, but I still care, Mom. The longer I'm sober, the better it gets," Maya assured her.

"That's what you told me last time," Katy replied, "You've lost my trust, Baby Girl, and it's going to be awhile before you can get it back."

"Okay," Maya sighed, not willing to push the argument.

"I love you, Maya," Katy said, pulling her into a hug.

"I love you, too, Mom," Maya replied, trying to keep the words from sounding mechanical.

"I'm going to take care of her," Riley promised, stepping over to them.

"I don't want her alone for a single second. You sit outside of the shower, while she's showering and she doesn't spend any time in the bathroom by herself," Katy insisted, turning her gaze onto Riley.

"I'm not going to let her use again," Riley said, "We're going to be fine."

"I want you to call me every day," Katy returned her attention to Maya.

"I will, I'll even call you when we land," Maya offered, slipping her arm to Riley's.

"Then, let's go," Katy said, leading them towards the front doors.

Maya reached to grab the bag that Riley had packed for her, but Riley was a step ahead of her.

"You're not supposed to pick anything up, until your side heals," Riley reminded her.

"I'm in pain, anyway, Riles. I don't think that I could make it much worse."

"You could set your entire healing process back if you reopen the wound," Riley informed her, shifting the bag out of Maya's reach.

"This is going to get old really fast," Maya muttered, following them out of the doors.

The flight is miserable and she finds herself bored out of her mind. Riley's reading a book and Farkle's listening to something that Maya would guess to be in Russian. She tries sleeping, but can't get comfortable.

The reality of why she's even on a plane doesn't hit her until she lands and is overwhelmed with memories. She can see Nick bouncing through the airport, excited to be home, and tears start to fill her eyes. She blinks them back before anyone can notice, but her thoughts of Nick don't disappear with the drive.

Texas is never going to be home, but she remembers driving the streets in Lucas's truck. She remembers watching Nick play with the radio and listening to the brothers argue. Her drug abuse may have started in Texas, but not everything that happened here was bad.

Cory and Topanga check them into the hotel that they'll be staying in for the trip. Farkle's father paid so that Farkle could have his own room and Maya and Riley are taking one of the double beds in the room that they're sharing with Riley's parents.

"Have you texted Lucas, yet?" Topanga questions, while she hangs up formal clothes in the hotel closet.

"Not yet," Riley admitted, staring intently at the carpet.

"Don't look at me, I'm technology free, remember? I might try and call my dealer," Maya offered, from where she was sprawled out on the bed. Cory's snores were drifting over from across the room and Maya sat up to see that he had fallen asleep in the middle of the other bed.

"Your mother has a legitimate concern," Topanga returned, looking over at her.

"Really, Mom? Maya's been to Texas once, she can't possibly know anyone selling drugs here," Riley said and one look from Topanga told Maya that her mother had informed Topanga exactly where Maya had spent the summer. This trip just got that much more uncomfortable.

"Text Lucas, Riley. So we can come up with a plan," Topanga sighed, shifting her gaze from Maya to her daughter.

"I don't know; would a phone call be better?" Riley questioned, looking uncertain, "We haven't talked since the hospital. I found out that his brother died from Farkle."

"You want me to do it?" Maya asked, ignoring the disapproval that flickered across Topanga's face.

"Yes, please," Riley sighed, handing over the phone.

Maya picked Lucas out of Riley's favorite contacts and waited as the phone rang. Riley scooted closer to her, so that she could hear the other end of the conversation.

"Riles?" Lucas answered.

"Good guess, Huckleberry, but not quite," Maya returned.

"I thought you weren't allowed a phone in rehab," Lucas reminded her, "You're not going to get in trouble, are you?"

"I would be if I were still in rehab, but I'm actually in Texas," Maya replied.

"Please tell me you didn't do something stupid," Lucas groaned.

"I've done many stupid things, but I'm here with Riley and Farkle for the funeral, and this is all approved," Maya informed him.

"Did you need somewhere to stay?" Lucas asked, his voice taking on a tone of relief.

"We're covered, we just need you to tell us where to be when," Maya replied.

"We're having an open house tomorrow morning that'll go through the day and then a bonfire at Pappy Joe's later that night. The funeral will be the next day," Lucas recited, the words lacking any emotion.

"Are you okay?" Maya asked, worried about the entire tone of the conversation. Lucas didn't sound nearly as upset as she had expected him to be.

"I'm fine," Lucas replied and she almost believed him.

"We'll see you tomorrow," Maya trailed off, unsure of what else to say.

"Okay," Lucas agreed. They both hesitated a moment before the call disconnected.

Riley relays the information to Topanga, but Maya's mind isn't on the conversation. She's thinking about how it must be for Lucas and his parents to be at that house without Nick. The house felt big and imposing with all of them here and she imagines that the feeling must be worse with someone missing.

"You okay?" Riley pulls Maya from her thoughts and Maya forced an unconvincing smile.

"I'm fine, Riles," Maya promised.

"I'm going to go pick up some dinner for us," Topanga informed them, sometime later. Farkle had joined them and they were watching an old movie with the volume low enough that they all had to be quiet to listen.

"We could go out," Cory offered, though it was clear that none of them knew how to act. This entire experience was feeling way too much like a vacation.

"It would be easier if I just picked something up and brought it back," Topanga offered, "You should probably call Josh and see how the babysitting is going with Auggie."

"They're probably fine," Cory shrugged, but he pulled his phone out of his pocket, anyway.

"I'll go with you to help," Maya suggested, knowing that she needed to talk to Topanga before someone said something to Riley about last summer. It's the last thing that Maya should be thinking about on this trip, but it's easier to focus on then the real reason why all of them are there.

"Sure," Topanga agreed, opening the door and letting Maya leave first.

They made it to the rental car in silence and Maya fastened her seatbelt as Topanga pulled out of the parking spot.

"We going to dance around this or just come out and say it?" Topanga questioned, pausing as she waited for a chance to turn out of the hotel parking lot.

"My mother told you that I spent the summer here, didn't she?" Maya returned, realizing that it was the first time she was on the end of being chewed out by Topanga.

"She did and you can imagine my surprise to discover that you weren't at art camp," Topanga said, her voice taking on a dangerous tone, "Why did you lie?"

"Because I knew that Riley would take it the wrong way if I told her that I was spending the summer with Lucas," Maya explained.

"I don't know why Riley and Lucas broke up, but I know that she misses him. I know that she still loves him. So, if there's something going on between you and Lucas, she needs to hear it from you before she finds out some other way."

"There's nothing going on. Lucas knew that I had a drinking problem and offered to let me spend the summer with his family, so that I could get away from the situation that I created for myself in the city," Maya explained, "I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic, but my list of sins don't include stealing my best friend's boyfriend."

"Are you going to tell Riley?"

"Are you going to tell her that Mr. Mathews testified against me in court or that he was there when I was arrested?" Maya returned.

The silence that stretched through the rest of the drive was enough to answer both of the questions.

The cut is clean and precise and runs along her side. Twisting in front of the mirror, she takes in the healing, incision site before replacing the gauze that she's supposed to be changing regularly. Every movement sends shooting pain through her body and she sinks back down on the closed, toilet lid as soon as she's finished with the bandages.

"Maya," Riley's voice calls through the door, the concerned tone in her voice causing Maya to roll her eyes.

She'd slipped away from the group of people roaming the first floor of the Friar's house to change the bandage and assumed that Riley must have followed her up the stairs.

"I'm just changing my bandage, I promise I'm not downing aspirin and vodka," Maya returned, "You can come in."

"Sorry, we're just all supposed to be watching you," Riley apologized, slipping through the door.

"I actually have a legitimate need for painkillers and now I can't take them," Maya complained, pulling her shirt down and closing her eyes.

"I heard your doctor saying that they probably wouldn't work for you, anyway. Your body is so used to them that they'd have to give you a pretty heavy dose for it to help at all," Riley informed her, taking a seat on the edge of the bathtub.

She was sitting in the same spot that Maya had sat in when Lucas cutting her hair and it was throwing Maya off. It was weird seeing her friends in the place that she had spent the summer and knowing that they had no idea what had happened throughout the rooms.

Riley had walked up the stairs without knowing that Maya had stumbled up them with Lucas when he was drunk and now she was sitting where Maya had gotten her summer haircut. They had always shared everything, but this wasn't something that Maya felt that she could share.

"I guess we'd better hope this is the worst of my injuries from now on, then," Maya groaned, forcing herself to focus on the conversation.

"You're doing a good job of holding it together," Riley offered.

"I don't show weakness in public," Maya returned, her voice flat.

"Hey, can I come in," Farkle's asked, his voice coming through the door.

"The funeral procession get to be too much for you?" Maya questioned as Riley moved to open the bathroom door.

"There's too many feelings in one room, I just have no idea how I'm supposed to act," Farkle admitted, leaning against the closed door as Riley returned to her spot on the edge of the bathtub.

"We're here to support Lucas," Riley reminded him, though the look on her face suggested that she was feeling conflicted.

"Which is why we're all hiding in the bathroom," Maya snorted and the two looked at the ground with something close to guilt.

"I'm his best friend and I barely knew his little brother," Farkle said, quietly.

"I only met him twice," Riley admitted, "And I didn't even know he was sick. What kind of girlfriend doesn't know that her boyfriend is acting out because his brother is dying?"

"One whose boyfriend doesn't tell her," Maya attempted to ease Riley's guilt. She was having a hard enough time pretending that she didn't know Nick, that she didn't feel like she was burying a part of herself along with him, but she'd just gotten her relationship with Riley to a good place and she didn't want to ruin it, now. She couldn't ruin it, now.

"He didn't tell me about this house, either," Riley pointed out.

"How long does it take to use the bathroom?" Zay's voice followed several insistent knocks, "I've been waiting out here for fifteen minutes."

"There are other bathrooms," Maya called back, exchanging a look with Farkle as he seemed to realize how it was going to look when all three of them left at the same time.

"This is the only one with the lavender soap. Excuse a man for wanting some luxury in his life," Zay returned.

Maya slowly got up, wincing as the movement pulled at her side, and gestured for Farkle to move as she opened the door a crack, "You know you're at a funeral, right?"

"You know as a recovering drug addict, you're not supposed to be hanging out in bathrooms by yourself," Zay returned.

"The Friar's don't keep their medication cabinet in the bathroom and I'm pretty sure Lucas is keeping everything under lock and key, while I'm here. The best thing I could be downing in here is your lavender soap," Maya pointed out.

"I don't know, I think Lucas's mom might be on something," Zay admitted, "She's doing a pretty good impersonation of a zombie."

"Apparently you are at the right bathroom. People who shouldn't be interacting with any of the guests are in here," Maya informed him, swinging the door open so that he could see Riley and Farkle.

"You've all been hanging out in here without me?" Zay asked, looking offended.

"We didn't know Nick, we don't know how to act," Farkle admitted.

"Well, Nick would be bored out of his mind out there," Zay informed them, "So, are ya'll gonna leave or should I turn out the lights?"

Maya, Farkle, and Riley were out of the bathroom before Zay could blink.

"Maya, there you are," Rebecca grabbed her arm when Maya had made her way back down the hall to where guests were congregating in the living room. She'd lost Riley and Farkle somewhere in the crowd, but she knew that she needed to go find Lucas, anyway.

"Sorry, I had to use the bathroom," Maya offered, unsure what to say. Rebecca was still unaware of Maya's overdose and it wasn't something Maya really felt she should bring up.

"I think we've run out of finger sandwiches, would you mind grabbing some from the kitchen?" Rebecca asked, "I need to go lay down for a minute."

"I can do that," Maya agreed, looking at the older woman with worry. She looked exhausted and there was something dead in her eyes that hadn't been there before.

Maya entered the kitchen, grabbing the tray of sandwiches off the counter and paused as she saw the room that Nick had slept in during her summer. The door was closed and she could almost pretend that he was sleeping on the other side.

"I've got those," Lucas informed her, taking the tray from her hands, "You aren't supposed to be lifting anything until you heal."

"I'm fine, If I rip any of my stitches, I'll just have Riley superglue it closed. I hear she's a pro," Maya returned, following him down the hallway to where the food was laid out across the formal dining room table.

"Lucas, we're so sorry to hear about Nick," someone said, as Maya shifted food around to fit the new tray.

"Thank you," Lucas returned, setting down the food.

"How is your family holding up?" the woman pressed and Maya considered ducking out the room, but took one look at his face and moved closer to his side.

"Your mother wants to see you," Maya informed him, cutting into the conversation.

"I should go, thank you for coming," Lucas told the woman, following Maya from the room.

"You look like you could use some air," Maya offered, as they hesitated in the entryway.

"What I could really use is a drink, but I'm pretty sure that my father has locked himself in the study," Lucas returned.

"Says the cowboy to the recovering alcoholic. You don't need a drink, come on," Maya insisted, grabbing his hand and leading him out the front door.

The driveway was filled with cars and Maya pulled him around the side of the house to where they could see the sun setting in the distance.

"This isn't what Nick would have wanted," Lucas admitted, as he loosened the tie around his neck.

"This isn't for Nick; this is for your parents. The bonfire at Pappy Joe's later tonight is for Nick," Maya reminded him.

"I just don't see why we have to do any of this," Lucas groaned, "None of this is going to bring him back and it's all just an elaborate show."

"You want a distraction?" Maya offered.

"You're not going to ask me to cut your hair again, are you?" Lucas asked, his lips curling at the corners.

"No, I think it's at a good length," she said, reaching up to play with the ends.

"Okay, distract me," he agreed.

"Riley doesn't know that I spent the summer in Texas, but my mother told Mr. and Mrs. Mathews," Riley informed him, watching as the color drained from his face.

"Do you think that they're going to say something?" Lucas pressed.

"No, I don't," Maya replied, her gaze shifting to the ground.

"They're going to hate me, now, aren't they?"

"You know when you're a kid and you think that your parents never do anything wrong and they have all the answers?" Maya asked, ignoring his question.

"Yeah," Lucas agreed.

"That's how I used to see them. I used to think that they always did the right thing, but they're not perfect and they're definitely not my parents," Maya laughed, the sound coming out slightly bitter, "And it's the weirdest thing, suddenly not knowing where I belong, anymore, or who my family is."

"We're family, Maya. We'll always be family," Lucas promised, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her into his side.

"I'm sorry I made all of this about me. How are you holding up?" Maya asked, her own arm wrapping around his back.

"It doesn't feel real, yet," he admitted, his voice coming out choked.

"I keep waiting for him to run around the corner and ask to go fishing," Maya admitted.

"Do you remember anything about almost dying? What it was like?"

"It was peaceful, wherever I was, I wasn't scared," Maya assured him.

She couldn't be sure just how much time passed as they were standing there, but as the stars slowly scattered across the sky, she couldn't help thinking that they all seemed just a little bit closer than the last time that she had been here. The crickets chirped in the distance and the world kept spinning, but something about that moment seemed to stand still.

 **Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter. I'm behind on responding, but I figured you would rather have a chapter, then a response. I'm hoping that I can catch up, soon, but it's been a heavy week for schoolwork. I'm sorry if this chapter seems a little bit disjointed, but I really struggled with connecting individual scenes.**

 **Thanks for reading and I would love it if you would leave me a review! Next chapter should cover the rest of their time in Texas and I'm hoping to slip in more of what's going on with Josh.**


	11. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

_She's kissing him, or maybe he's kissing her, and she's not entirely sure how they found themselves in this situation. It had started with talking and she's pretty sure that neither of them had had any intention for it to go beyond that._

 _She's just waiting for him to pull away and tell her that this entire thing is a mistake, but he doesn't seem to notice her hesitance. One of his hands is tangled in her hair and the other is wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. She remembers talking about wanting to burn, but there's something about this that leaves her worried that when it ends there won't be anything of her left, but ash._

Maya can feel the heat of the fire on her face, hot enough that it's uncomfortable, but not hot enough to move away. She's already shrugged out of the jacket that she's wearing and tied it to her waist. She had started out standing with Riley and Farkle, somewhere in the middle of the pack of people, while Cory and Topanga were awkwardly standing in the back, but she'd taken one look at the hunch in Lucas's shoulder and known that he was barely holding it together.

It had been pure instinct that had caused her to step forward and slip her hand in his. The closer family and friends were standing closest to the fire, while others form a ring farther out. Maya's partially aware that people are taking turns sharing stories about Nick; from his birth to his childhood, but she can only concentrate long enough to pick up pieces of it. It makes Maya incredibly sad to realize that his life is never going to go beyond his childhood.

She's on the brink of adulthood and the last few years of her life feel like a complete waste. There a part of her that wonders if Nick should have lived and she should be gone, it's dark and she tries not to entertain the thoughts for long, but they're still sitting there in the back of her mind.

Travis Friar and Pappy Joe don't seem to have the best relationship and seeing them together, just confirms the fact. Travis is wearing a suit and there's something about his movements that scream, "Drunk," to Maya, while Pappy Joe is in his jeans and flannel. She knows that Pappy Joe isn't an overly emotional person, but she swears that she can see tears glistening on his face that reflect the fire in front of him.

Rebecca is standing on Lucas's other side and she looks exhausted. Tears run openly down her face and she seems to sway, as though she doesn't quite have the strength to keep herself upright. Lucas's other arm wraps around her to steady her, but she doesn't even seem to notice.

"It's nice, there's something more real about this than a funeral," Maya admitted, knowing from the look on Lucas's face that he wasn't really listening, either.

"It would be better if my father didn't look one shot away from passing out," Lucas replied, his voice taking on an edge.

"Luke, you going to say something?" Pappy Joe questioned, as he shifted his way through the people and around the fire.

"What would be/ the point? These people don't have any idea what we're going through," Lucas pointed out, his grip tightening on Maya's hand, until she could feel the circulation being cut off.

"Some of them do," Pappy Joe replied, squeezing Lucas's shoulder, "And someone needs to represent the family. I'm worried that if your father says anything, we'll all regret it."

Lucas waited until someone, that Maya picked up was a neighbor, finished speaking and he cleared his throat, gaining the attention of everyone in the circle, "Nick and I grew up here. Our best memories are coming to this ranch and inevitably we would always end up at the lake. Mom used to be furious when we'd come back to the house soaking wet."

He paused as some of the group chuckled and Rebecca forced a smile that looked painful, before he continued, "There were ten years between me and Nick and I wasn't so sure that I wanted a brother. I'd begged for one when I was younger, but as a ten-year-old, having one felt a little bit late. I liked having my parent's attention and I wasn't sure that I wanted to share it with anyone else. That all changed when my father took me to meet him in the hospital, Nick was one of those kids, who you couldn't not like, from the very beginning. My mother told me that it was my job to look out for him and I've spent the last eight year trying to keep him safe."

"I wasn't always the best example and I didn't always make the right decisions, but Nick loved me, anyway. He saw the good in people, even when they couldn't see it in themselves. I think he'd be happy to know that we had brought him home to rest. He grew up loving the Texas sky and this was always his home. Losing him has been incredibly hard for my family, but Nick was in an incredibly amount of pain these last few years, and I believe that he's finally at peace. He'd be incredibly grateful that everyone is here, but I think that the best way each of us can honor his memory, is to hold onto his optimism and his unwavering belief. In behalf of my family, I'd just like to thank everyone for coming and for all of the support that you've given us."

Lucas trailed off and Maya smiled at him in reassurance.

Too soon, they're putting out the fire and Maya knows that there's one more step to laying Nick to rest. It all feels incredibly final and nothing about this seems right. Rebecca is mingling among the people who remain and Maya quickly loses track of her.

"I think your father had better stay here and sleep this off. I think he might be a bit much for your mother and you to manage," Pappy Joe informed them, as people talked in small groups and headed for their cars.

"I'll drop off a new suit in the morning," Lucas offered.

"You're a good kid," Pappy Joe assured him, "Your parents will pull things together, soon."

Lucas didn't look overly convinced, but he didn't say anything as Pappy Joe guided Travis back to the house.

"You shouldn't be alone, tonight," Maya turned her attention back to Lucas, "Maybe Farkle or Riley could stay with you."

"I'll be fine, my mother's there," Lucas shrugged her off.

"Lucas, she's all over the place. One minute she's catatonic and the next she's making small talk with everyone around her. You shouldn't be dealing with all of this on your own," Maya insisted.

"You ready to go, Maya?" Topanga interrupted, approaching her with Riley trailing along behind.

"I'm sorry," Riley offered, looking at Lucas uncertainly.

"Thanks, Riles," Lucas returned, sounding calmer then he had been minutes ago.

"Cory's waiting in the car," Topanga informed them and Maya could see her obvious discomfort.

"I think I'm going to go home with Lucas," Maya returned, knowing that she was in for an argument.

"We promised your mother that we wouldn't let you out of our sight," Topanga reminded her.

"Then I think that Riley should go home with Lucas," Maya shifted gears, watching as several emotions flickered across Topanga's face.

"That isn't going to happen," she said firmly and Maya could tell that Riley had no idea what to do or who to side with.

"What's going on?" Rebecca enquired, as she returned to Lucas's side.

"It's nothing, Mom, we were just saying goodbye," Lucas said, trying to cut off any further argument.

"I just suggested that maybe I should go home with you and help clean everything up," Maya countered, knowing that Lucas was annoyed with her persistence.

"That would be nice, actually," Rebecca admitted, "We're all going to the same place, tomorrow, anyway."

"I promised Maya's mother that I would keep her with us," Topanga informed her, shooting a glare at Maya for putting her in this situation.

"I can watch her just as well as you can," Rebecca's voice was something of a challenge and Topanga tensed at the words.

"Maya is a recovering drug addict and I'm not sure that she can be a help to anyone other than herself. She's supposed to be in rehab right now, but we got special permission to bring her and I'm not going to violate Katy's trust."

"Right, it would be a terrible thing to go against the wishes of the mother who couldn't pull herself together to go and bail her daughter out of jail and who didn't notice that Maya had a problem in the first place," Rebecca returned, her voice going cold.

"Riley, go wait in the car," Topanga demanded, as she raised herself to her full height.

"Mom," Riley protested, but one look from Topanga had her hurrying out towards the driveway.

"Katy is a good mother, a single mother, who loves her daughter and is trying to create the best life possible for her. Your son got kicked out of school for fighting, would you call Lucas making that choice a reflection on your parenting?" Topanga hissed.

"I'll go with you," Maya said, knowing that she had let the fight go too far as it was.

"Maya," Rebecca sighed and Maya turned her attention back to Lucas's mother.

"A few weeks ago, I overdosed on prescription painkillers. They're right not to trust me," Maya informed her, waiting to see the judgement that was sure to follow.

"Did you know?" Rebecca turned her attention to Lucas, who looked completely defeated after watching his mother and Topanga fight.

"It was right before Nick died and I didn't want to put one more thing on you," Lucas said quietly. An unreadable expression passed across her face before she straightened.

"Lucas's fighting was a reflection on my parenting, it was a reflection on what was going on at home. I suggest you consider that the next time that you decide to defend Maya's mother," Rebecca shifted her attention back to Topanga before stepping forward and pulling Maya into her arms, "I'm glad you're okay, Maya."

"I just admitted that I was a drug addict," Maya felt the need to remind her, "I lied, I stole, and I did horrible things."

"We've all done things that we're not proud of. Whatever mistakes you've made, you'll come back from them," Rebecca assured her, pressing a kiss into her hair before she pulled back, "I'm burying my son tomorrow, I think we'll go home, now."

"I'm sorry for your loss," Topanga offered, looking lost as she processed the exchange.

Rebecca's eyes drifted to Maya before she turned her attention to Topanga, "Not nearly as sorry as I am for yours."

The car ride back to the hotel is tense and no one dares to break the silence.

Maya sits with Lucas and his family at the graveside and she knows that she's not going to be welcome in the Mathew's house for a while. Topanga hadn't directly spoken to her since she'd forced Maya to call her mother that morning and Cory looked torn between following his wife's lead and trying to act like everything was normal.

Maya knew that Lucas and his family were religious and one of the steps of her recovery is believing in a power higher then herself, but she misses most of the service. She hasn't been to a lot of funerals, but the casket just looks so tiny. Nick's very presence had always been so large that she can't believe that he somehow manages to fit in there.

"What did you tell, Riley?" Lucas asks wearily, when the service is over.

"I told her that you looked like you needed some support and I stepped out of line. I didn't really think that she needed a recap of her mother and yours show down, but one does have to wonder how the two of you dated for so long when your parents were at each other's throats. It's very Romeo and Juliet," Maya snorted.

"I know my parents can be difficult, I tried to keep the interaction to a minimum," Lucas replied.

"You should talk to Riley," Maya suggested, looking over to where she was talking with Farkle and Zay.

"I don't think there's any fixing things with Riley and me. I think it's just better if we leave everything how it is," Lucas admitted, something haunted flashing through his eyes.

"I'll see you back in New York," Maya sighed, pulling him into a hug.

"You seem better," he admitted.

"It's a process, one day at a time," Maya snorted.

Maya gets into a sort of routine after being checked back into rehab. She spends mornings in group therapy, followed by breakfast, and then has a thirty-minute private session before Riley comes to visit her after school. Riley always comes with homework, which Maya doesn't enjoy doing, but she figures that if she ever wants to get away from her mother, she should at least try to boost her grades.

Riley always leaves just a little before Lucas comes to see her and she can't help wondering if they planned their visits in such a way that they're never face-to-face. Lucas had held firm on not trying to fix things with Riley, but Maya thinks that there may be more to it then what he's letting on. He occasionally looked hungover when he stops by to see her and his knuckles occasionally look bruised, like he's hit something.

Her mother visits twice a week and the visits are usually short and awkward. Maya's not entirely sure what to say with her and no amount of apologizing or insisting that she's changing, seems to satisfy Katy. She gets the feeling that Katy will just be waiting for her to mess up once she leaves and it puts a kind of weight on her shoulders that she wishes she could just put down.

Her other friends visit pretty regularly, too, and usually in packs. She gets the feeling that they're uncomfortable with visiting her in a place that operates a lot like a prison.

Despite the predictability of her life, there's something different about today. The morning goes exactly how she expects it to and Riley shows up to pick up yesterday's homework and drop off todays. However, Lucas doesn't show at his designated time and she finds herself starting to worry.

"Maya," a new voice greets her and Maya looks up from the couch that she's been doing her homework on.

"Mrs. Friar," Maya greets her in surprise, a feeling of dread settling in her stomach. The pessimist in her is terrified that something is wrong.

"I know Lucas usually visits you at this time, but he's helping with baseball tryouts today. I think he might try to stop by later," Rebecca informed her, taking a seat across from her.

"I think he mentioned something about that, but whenever he starts talking about sports I tend to zone out," Maya admitted, setting aside her work.

"I was going to stop by sooner, but it's taken me awhile to pull myself together," Rebecca admitted. Lucas had mentioned that his parents fighting had increased and that his mother was barely leaving the house, but Maya didn't feel the need to admit that to his mother.

"I appreciate you stopping by at all," Maya assured her.

"I wanted to talk to you in Texas, but things got so busy," Rebecca admitted, "And the Mathews' and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye."

"Right," Maya agreed, unsure how she was supposed to respond to that.

"I don't know what Lucas had told you, but I assume that you're close, so I would guess that you know most of our skeletons," Rebecca offered, straightening in her seat, "Things have been hard on him."

"I know," Maya replied, hoping that Rebecca wasn't going to ask her to list all of the things that Lucas had told her.

"I spent some time in a rehab facility like this," Rebecca admitted and Maya found herself looking at Lucas's mother in shock, "I had severe postpartum depression after Lucas and Nick, which is why we stopped with the two boys and there was such a gap between them. I abused sleeping pills and antidepressants for a long time before I knew that I needed to get help, to be a better mother. I'm not sure that Travis ever entirely understood and our marriage has never entirely recovered. I tried to protect the boys, they thought that I was visiting my sister, but you can never be entirely sure what your children will pick up on. My point is, everyone makes mistakes, Maya, we all have our own challenges to face. You can come back from this. You're young and you have your entire life in front of you."

"I don't think Lucas knows," Maya admitted, trying to wrap her mind around what his mother had just told her.

"Sometimes we don't tell the people that we love things because we want to protect them," Rebecca offered and Maya picked up on the subtle hint that Rebecca didn't want her to say anything to him.

"How can you tell when you're doing something to protect someone else or to protect yourself?" Maya questioned, thinking of her confrontation with Topanga.

"When the pain telling them would cause them, weighs more than the pain of having them see you differently," Rebecca offered, her tone thoughtful.

The days have a way of blurring together in her mind and Maya finds herself trying to hold onto anything that makes them feel unique or real. She sometimes wonders if all of this is just a dream and in reality she's lying in a coma somewhere.

"Maya," someone greets her, and she looks up from the blank sketchbook that she's been staring at for the last three days.

"Your finals week must have been killer, it lasted for something like a month," Maya offered, closing the book and crossing her legs.

"I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner," Josh offers, sitting next to her instead of across from her as Rebecca had done. Maya had been counting on having an entire coffee table between them and of all the things to notice, it's his smell that's throwing her off. It's the pastries that they make at Topanga's and something that screams, "Home," to her, not that she figures anything relating to the Mathews' will ever feel like home again.

"I'm not your problem, anymore. Everyone knows how badly I've messed up and I'm clearly getting the help that I need," Maya informed him, gesturing around the room.

"You look better, healthier," Josh said quietly, his eyes tracing her face.

"Is that a nice way of saying that I've gained weight?" Maya asked, a smile playing at the edges of her mouth.

"No, it's more than that, it's the way your eyes glow again. They don't look quite so defeated," he corrected her.

"You didn't come all the way here after all this time to comment on my eyes," Maya snorted, trying not to show how his words affected her.

"I didn't want to complicate your recovery," he informed her, "I thought both of us needed some space to heal."

"From your breakup?" Maya cut him off, wondering how he could compare that to almost dying of a drug overdose.

"Seeing you almost die, forced me to face some things that I wasn't ready to deal with, yet. I just needed some time to catch my breath," he argued, his eyes pleading with her to understand, "And, yeah, Bethany wasn't thrilled with some of the choices that I made and I wasn't sure that I was ready to let go of what I had with her."

"I think I'm missing about half this conversation," Maya informed him, "You're not making a lot of sense."

"You almost died, you almost ceased to exist," he said slowly, his eyes blazing, "And I would have done anything to keep you here. I wasn't ready to deal with what that meant."

"What does that mean?" Maya asked, finding herself suddenly breathless.

He scooted the several feet of distance between them and she was suddenly aware of every point of content, as he slowly reached up and brushed a strand of hair from her face.

"Maya, I," he didn't get to finish the end of his lips suddenly descended on hers.

She's kissing him, or maybe he's kissing her, and she's not entirely sure how they found themselves in this situation. It had started with talking and she's pretty sure that neither of them had had any intention for it to go beyond that.

She's just waiting for him to pull away and tell her that this entire thing is a mistake, but he doesn't seem to notice her hesitance. One of his hands is tangled in her hair and the other is wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. She remembers talking about wanting to burn, but there's something about this that leaves her worried that when it ends there won't be anything of her left, but ash.


	12. Catch and Release

Rehab was a break from reality and by the end Maya's not sure if she's ready to reenter the real world. She gets checked out on a Friday and spends the day watching her mother work at _Topanga's_. It's boring and it leaves her with more time to think then what she really wanted.

"Hey," Riley greeted her, slipping into her familiar spot next to Maya, "I see they've finally let you out."

"At least in rehab there was the illusion of freedom and, you know, choice," Maya snorted, looking up from the intricate drawing she had been doing of the cup in front of her.

"Your mom will come around as soon as she sees how much progress you've made," Riley assured her, handing over the day's packet of homework.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Maya returned, forcing a smile and a wave, as her mother looked over at her.

"Are you going to be meeting me at the bay window, Monday?" Riley questioned and Maya could see the desperation in Riley's eyes for some sense of normalcy. Riley's panic seemed to increase with each day closer they got to graduation and Riley's complete uncertainty on what she was going to do after.

"I can't, I might hook up with my drug dealer on the subway ride between our houses," Maya informed her.

"Did you even have a drug dealer?" Riley questioned, looking at Maya skeptically. They talked around Maya's addiction most of the time, but Riley had gotten bolder the more Maya was willing to joke about it.

"Not really," Maya shrugged, trying not to relive the memories of Logan and her arrest. Sometimes she felt like she was making so much progress and then she would start to get sucked back into the darkness.

"You going to tell me what's going one with them?" Riley picked up on the need for a subject change, gesturing towards the counter where Shawn had walked in and started a conversation with Katy.

"I would think that you would have a better idea then I do," Maya pointed out.

"They don't talk about relationship stuff in front of me. I think my father's afraid I might get ideas," Riley admitted, rolling her eyes.

"You were with Lucas for how long?" Maya pointed out.

"Lucas would, at least, pretend he was intimidated by my dad. Now Dad's worried about who comes next. Lucas set the bar pretty high," Riley admitted.

"Tell him about the drinking and the late night sneaking into your room and I bet your dad changes his tune," Maya suggested.

"You know what's weird, is that I think my dad liked Lucas better when we're dating? Now, they glare at each other in class all the time," Riley informed her.

"Hey, Kiddo," Shawn interrupted their conversation, saving Maya from having to reply.

"Shawn," Maya greeted him, surprised when he enveloped her in a hug. They'd written back and forth, while she was in rehab and he'd been by to visit whenever he was in the city, but she'd thought that things would go back to the way they had been.

She'd figured that he had recovered from whatever shock her almost-death had caused and was going to go straight back to dancing around with having something with her mother and halfway trying to be her father.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, looking her over.

"Better," Maya replied.

"I'm spending the next few weeks in the city. I was hoping that you'd let me take you out to dinner one of those nights," he informed her.

"You'll have to ask my parole officer," Maya gestured to her mother.

"You scared her. Let her be overprotective for a little while and eventually she'll back off," Shawn suggested, "And I already did. You want to text me a night that will work?"

"I would love to, but I'm grounded from my phone," Maya replied.

"Oh, I almost forget," Shawn handed her over the familiar device and she looked at him strangely.

"My mother waits outside the door whenever I go to the bathroom. How did you ever talk her into this?"

"I showed her how to track the phone, assured her that she'd be able to keep a much better eye on you if you had it, then if you didn't," Shawn replied and Maya smiled.

"Thanks," Maya took the phone from him, shoving it into her pocket.

"I have to get going, but I'm glad that you're out of rehab. Do me a favor and stay out of there," Shawn suggested, ruffling her hair.

"I've spent enough time in rehab to last me a lifetime," Maya assured him.

"Text me," he insisted, leaving through the doorway.

"The blonde beauty returns," Zay said, waving his arms around in a dramatic fashion, as he entered the building with Farkle and Lucas trailing along behind him.

"I'm starting to think that you don't appreciate me for my brain," Maya returned, trying to shrug off the words. It didn't seem right that she would go through everything that she had and come out the same person. She tried to remind herself that they were just words.

"Speaking of brains, did you get your early admission letter, yet?" Farkle questioned Riley, sinking down into a chair.

"Maya and I are going to open our NYU letters together," Riley deflected the question.

"I'm pretty sure I missed all of the deadlines to apply," Maya pointed out. She'd all, but given up on any college dreams.

"You missed the early admission deadlines, but there's still plenty of time to get your application in," Riley insisted.

"What university is going to admit someone who spent half of the year in rehab?" Maya returned.

"I guess we'll find out when we get your applications in," Riley stared at her, her eyes daring Maya to offer one more argument.

"You going to update us on your fight for Valedictorian?" Zay changed the subject, shifting the attention to Farkle. Maya gave him an appreciative smile and he winked at her.

"Once we get through the final testing, I'll have a better idea of my standing. At the moment, we're pretty much even," Farkle complained.

"I thought you beat her on that last AP Calculus exam," Lucas spoke up and Maya found herself studying him. He looked better then when he'd been by to see her in rehab the day before, but she had a feeling that something was off.

"The teacher made a mistake in the grading. She was able to get her grade raised," Farkle sighed.

"Maya, you ready to go?" Katy broke into their conversation, pulling on a coat over her uniform.

"Sure, Mom," Maya agreed, clutching the pages of homework in her hand.

"I'll stop by to see you tomorrow," Riley suggested, squeezing Maya's free hand as she stood up.

"I'll try not to die of boredom before then," Maya agreed.

"I've got to get going, too. I'll walk with you," Lucas suggested, getting up from his seat.

Maya looked at him in surprise, but didn't say anything as they fell into step, following her mother out the door. She tried to pretend that she didn't see the look on Riley's face at them leaving together. She wasn't sure how many more times she could insist that nothing was going on before she ran out of words to say it. The two of them constantly avoiding each other, wasn't helping, either.

Maya and Lucas stayed several paces behind Katy and she glanced back at them every few minutes to make sure that they were still there.

"Did Topanga talk to my mom about the funeral?" Maya questioned, keeping her voice low enough that her mother couldn't hear.

"I have no idea, but she and every other parent of our group are acting like I killed someone. Mr. Mathew's told me that I've hurt his daughter enough and that I need to give Riley some space," Lucas informed her, his tone bitter.

"When did he say that?" Maya demanded, looking at him incredulously.

"It was a little while after we got back. He brought up last summer and said something about not wanting Riley to get false hope when she deserves better," Lucas admitted, staring intently at the ground.

"You should have said something," Maya insisted, tucking a strand of hair that had blown into her face behind her ear.

"You were already mad at them, why add fuel to the fire?" Lucas said, leading her down the steps of the subway.

"You know, in rehab, they tell us that we shouldn't try to carry everything that we're going through on our own? When we hold our feelings in, we're more likely to slip up," Maya informed him.

"Good thing I'm not a drug addict," Lucas returned, folding his arms against the winter chill that hung in tunnel.

"You've got anger issues, though, and the longer you hold those in the more likely it is that you eventually snap," Maya argued.

"I'll see you Monday," Lucas ignored her, squeezing her shoulder before he headed back up the stairs.

"Is there something going on there?" Katy questioned and Maya was surprised. It was the first time her mother had tried to talk to her about anything that didn't have to do with drugs in a while.

"Not romantically," Maya replied.

"I've read that romantic relationships can set back your progress," Katy informed her and Maya found herself wondering how many addiction books she was going to find lying around the apartment. Her mother was going to support groups, studying addiction, interviewing addicts. Her mother's constant acting like she had any idea what Maya was going through was driving her crazy.

"My progress is fine, Mom," Maya snapped, relieved as they boarded the subway.

They rode the rest of the way in silence and Maya closed her eyes, wishing that she could put this entire stage of her life behind her.

Monday came much faster then what Maya had planned on and she found herself digging through her closet for something to wear. She had put back on most of the weight that she had lost, but most of her shirts still hung loose on her. She, finally, managed to find a pair of jeans that looked dressier than the sweats she had worn around the rehab facility and she paired it with a red shirt and her leather jacket.

Her mother had told her that maybe she should go for something less edgy on the first day, but Maya figures that they're just going to talk, anyway. She was pretty sure that most of the school knew about her overdose and stint in rehab, based on her previous experience with how quickly people found out that she had been arrested. That still didn't prepare her for the judgmental looks and stares she got as she made her way down the hall and paused in front of her locker.

"It's good to see you back," someone who she vaguely recognized from one of her classes, greeted her.

"Thanks," Maya forced a smile, the tone in her voice letting him know that the conversation ended there.

"I heard that she was pregnant, lost the baby when she overdosed," someone across the hall whispered as Maya replaced the textbooks Riley had brought to her in her locker. She held onto the few that she would need for the next few periods and did her best not to react to what she was hearing.

"Well, I heard, that she hooked up with Lucas. The guy that Riley was dating, that's why Mr. Mathew's always snaps at him in class and Riley can barely look at him."

"Riley wouldn't still be sitting with him at lunch if he had," another voice disagreed, "I think Mr. Mathew's is more upset about the fight that he had to break up before Christmas break. I don't know how Lucas wasn't suspended."

The voices drifted away and Maya took a deep breath before slamming her locker closed. She had the same itchy feeling of wanting to crawl out of her skin, although she knows that it's more from the scrutiny she's receiving, then withdrawals, now.

"You would think that they could find some new rumors. These are all recycled," Riley said, her face staying blank, although her eyes showing that it was hurting her more than she was letting on.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be caught up in my mess," Maya apologized, staring at a cracked tile on the floor.

"Your mess is my mess," Riley replied, linking her arm with Maya's, "Us against the world, remember?"

"So, your dad and Lucas?" Maya attempted to gage how much information Riley had.

"There actually was a fight, but it didn't get very far. The kid punched Lucas and my dad stepped in before Lucas could retaliate. But my dad and Lucas had been acting weird around each other before that," Riley shrugged.

"I'm sorry, Riles," Maya repeated, knowing that this particular problem was entirely on her.

"Let's get to class," Riley suggested, leading her down the hall.

The first day is brutal and the second day isn't any better. Maya gets really good at tuning out the voices around her and she does something crazy and starts taking notes in her lectures. It forces her to keep her mind off of everything that's going on, though they often turn into doodles of random objects around the room. She's slowly finding her way back to her art, but the passion to throw herself into it, isn't there, anymore.

"How was your week?" Shawn questions, looking nervous as he sips his water at the diner that he's taken her to.

"I survived and I'm still sober," Maya offered, slowly tearing her napkin into pieces.

"Your mom says that you've been going to NA meetings," he said and she shifted in her seat.

"They help more than the therapist did," Maya admitted, "Although I'm back to those appointments, too. Twice a week, with someone new, since my mom doesn't think that the first one did her job."

"Things will get easier, you just need to give it some time," Shawn promised, folding his arms on the table in front of her.

"However long that is. I had an appointment with my doctor on Wednesday and he informed me that just about anything could send me back into organ failure," Maya informed him.

"You're still here, Maya. Don't think about things that could happen," Shawn suggested, reaching across the table and grabbing her hand. It halted her progress on her napkin and she was forced to look up at him.

"You have this picture in your head of what your life is going to look like. Riley was always the one who was going to find a prince and get married and have kids and I thought that I would just kind of be along for the ride. I didn't want the fairytale, 'Happily ever after,' story, but now that it's no longer an option, I can't stop thinking about it."

"I thought that with Cory, too. That I'd be along for the ride, but that I didn't want the same things. Then Cory had Riley and I realized that we weren't even in the same amusement park, anymore, let alone the same ride," Shawn admitted.

"Aren't you supposed to be making me feel better?" Maya reminded him, trying not to think about what it would be like to see Riley have children and know that the same option didn't exist for herself, anymore.

It was months after her overdose and now the doctors were finally getting around to telling her that she was the end of the Hart's. She had to monitor what she was eating, take her anti-rejection drugs, stay away from drugs or alcohol, and never get pregnant, if she wanted to keep her organs functioning. Even then, there were no guarantees that they wouldn't just decide to give up, someday.

"I'm getting there," Shawn insisted, "I didn't get the Cory-and-Topanga-Fairytale, but I've realized that it probably wouldn't have made me happy, anyway, because it was their story and not mine. Maya, I've realized that there's more than one way to make a family and I'd really like for you and your mother to be a part of mine. I want to ask your mother to marry me, if that's okay with you."

"Really?" Maya asked, too shocked to believe that he really meant it.

"Yeah. What do you say the three of us start our own story?"

"I'd like that," Maya admitted, trying to overcome the wave of emotion that was going through her.

"Me too."

Maya wasn't there for the actual proposal, although she hears the story enough times over the next few days that she almost feels like she was. Shawn had taken her out Friday night and asked her mother on Saturday. He'd taken her back to the first place that he had ever seen her and promised her that they would build a life together that would make up for everything they'd both had to deal with to get to that moment.

The ring was beautiful and it suddenly had its own special bowl in the kitchen to be set in while her mother was cooking and a box outside of the shower, so that her mother didn't have to worry about it falling down the drain. Maya wasn't entirely sure what her mother did with it when she was sleeping, but Maya had a feeling that the ring was never more than four feet from her mother.

And Maya was happy. If this wasn't moving on with life, she wasn't sure what was.

Maya had found a corner to sit in as she waited out her mother's engagement party. She was still avoiding both of Riley's parents, although Cory seemed a lot less upset with her then Topanga was, and she wanted to spend an evening without having well-meaning neighbors and friends ask her how she was doing.

"I've been looking all over for you," a familiar voice informed her, sinking down in the seat next to her.

"It's been a crazy two weeks since they released me and I have people watching me 24/7," Maya informed him.

"No one's watching you now," he pointed out, gesturing around the room.

"They would be if I did anything other than talk to my best friend's uncle," Maya pointed out, a smile playing across her face.

"It makes me feel really old when you call me that," Josh informed her, his pinkie brushing against hers on the shared armrest.

"You've spent the last how many years trying to convince me that you're way too old," Maya reminded him.

"But not creepy-uncle-who-gets-drunk-and-flirts-with-teenage-girls-at-family-parties, old," Josh said and Maya couldn't suppress her laughter at the statement.

"You're definitely not drunk," Maya agreed, "And you're not _my_ uncle, but you are flirting with a teenager in the back corner."

"You're legal," he reminded her, "And are you really going to start insisting that I'm too old for you, now?"

"You've kissed me once and, while you did visit me pretty regularly in rehab, so did my friends, which is what you've spent the forever insisting we just were," Maya pointed out.

"Technically, we've kissed twice, and telling you that I wanted a relationship with you, while you were in rehab, would have been really bad timing," Josh informed her.

"You want a relationship with me?" Maya asked, wondering if she really had died during her overdose and somehow landed in this bizarre, alternate reality that looked a lot like what real life had been like.

"If you still want me," he said, staring at her intently and letting her see the insecurities that flickered across his face.

"I have rules," Maya informed him.

"Okay?" Josh replied, uncertainly, though there was a smirk on his face.

"We don't tell anyone, at least until we know this is going to work out," Maya listed, thinking of how well it would go over with her mother and not even wanting to contemplate what kind of reaction Cory and Topanga would have.

"And?" Josh waited for her to list the rest.

"I think that's it, actually," Maya admitted, when she thought it through and couldn't think of anything, else.

"I think I can live with that," Josh agreed, moving his hand the remaining distance to cover hers and threading their fingers together.

"Are you sure that you want to take me on? I'm a complete mess," Maya felt the need to give him an out.

"I don't mind the mess," Josh promised her, "All I want is you."

Maya leaned over, pressing her lips to his, before quickly pulling back and settling in her seat.

"That makes three," Josh informed her.

"I remember," she assured him.

The party continued around them, but Maya didn't really notice.

 **So, this story was supposed to be fifteen chapters. I'm looking at my outline, right now, and going there's no way I can finish it in three chapters. This story has taken on a life of it's own and I'm partially annoyed and partially loving it. Maya and Josh really are playing the long game. Thanks for reading and I would love it if you would leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	13. The Weight of Plain Paper

There was a letter sitting in the middle of the table and Maya found that she couldn't take her eyes off of it. It was just a plain, white envelope that in all likelihood contained written words, but it somehow felt like a lot more than that.

"You don't have to open it," her mother offered, from where she was sitting and picking at a piece of toast.

"I don't plan on it," Maya replied, grabbing her backpack from the floor, "I'm heading to school."

"Riley should be here to pick you up any minute," Katy reminded her.

"Can't I just do one thing on my own? How long are you going to insist that someone is always watching me?" Maya demanded.

"Until I'm sure that you're not going to take prescription pain pills in the bathroom while you're brushing your teeth and never wake up the next morning," her mother said, an edge of hysteria to her voice.

"Ready to go, Maya?" Riley questioned, letting herself in through the front door.

"Yeah, Riles," Maya said, grabbing the envelope off of the table, despite her words, and shoving it into her jacket pocket.

"I'll see you after school," Katy said, her face softening.

"You always do," Maya pointed out, following Riley out of the front door.

"Snapping at her isn't going to make your life easier," Riley pointed out, as they started down the street in the direction of their school.

"I know; I just can't help it. I feel like we're not making any progress. It doesn't matter how many meetings I attend, or therapy sessions, nothing is enough for her to trust me," Maya groaned.

"Well, we'll be out of the house next year, anyway," Riley reminded her, "I bet you get your acceptance letter any day, now."

"Speaking of letters," Maya said, trailing off as she tried to decide if she really wanted to tell Riley.

"What?" Riley asked, looking at her with interest. Maya was keeping enough things from her that she figured that it was better not to add to the list.

"I got one from my dad," Maya replied, her hands running over the edges of the envelope in her pocket.

"Are you going to open it?" Riley questioned, her eyes widening, but her face otherwise staying blank.

"I haven't decided, yet," Maya admitted.

If Maya had to describe her day in one word, it would easily be: lackluster. She sits in her classes and laughs with her friends, but the letter is always in the back of her mind. There's also the added worry of if she's going to get into college and what she's supposed to do with her life if she doesn't. Her last class of the day is art and even that isn't enough to cheer her up.

Maya looked at the painting of the still-life, taking in the pastel colors and the attention to detail. It was the kind of painting that would have made the artist the coolest person in third grade, but it lacked passion. It was the kind of painting that you would find hanging in your dentist's office.

"What is this?" her art teacher questioned, staring at the picture in shock.

"It's a kettle," Maya admitted, noting absently that it was the one that belonged to Shawn at his cabin upstate. It had been where she and her mother had spent the weekend, which explained how it had been on her mind, but not why it was the only thing she had been able to paint after twenty minutes of staring at a blank canvas.

"Is this a joke?" her teacher asked, his brows knitting together as he shifted to look at it from a different angle.

"I've been having a little trouble with my art, lately," Maya admitted, thinking of the sketchbooks full of inanimate objects that she'd gone through in the last three months.

"You're recovering from a drug addiction. I was expecting something fiery and passionate," he groaned, his hands waving in front of the picture, "Aren't you just bursting from the seams with emotion?"

"I channeled that emotion into, 'Nagging Mother,'" Maya said, gesturing to yesterday's painting of her mother lecturing her from behind the counter of _Topanga's_.

It was a watercolor and even Maya had to admit that there was something distant in it. As though, Maya could capture the details on paper, but couldn't get the emotions to transfer over. The picture was more humorous, than capable of making someone feel her frustration and annoyance.

"Artist go through phases, this has been an interesting one, but let's really try to move on to something else. Anything else," her art teacher pleaded.

"I will," Maya agreed, grabbing her bag from the floor and leaving the room.

She paused at her locker and sighed as she let her head fall against it. The process of getting clean had seemed to completely drain her of any artistic talent that she had. Or maybe it had been stored in her kidneys and died when she almost did.

"Bad day?" Lucas questioned, leaning against her locker. Riley had a Debate thing after school and Maya was supposed to be heading straight to _Topanga's_ where her mother could watch her.

"More like a bad year," Maya offered, putting in the combination and opening the locker to exchange her textbooks.

"I can relate," he admitted, "You want a distraction?"

"Seeing as your recent distractions include starting fights, drinking, and avoiding Riley, I think I can probably find my own," Maya replied, giving him a pointed look.

"What if this one was none of the above?" Lucas asked.

"What did you have in mind?"

Maya bit her lip as she studied the picture that Lucas had handed her. It's the one she had done for Nick of the stars and she traces her hands over the pencil marks as she tries to absorb the inspiration that she had once possessed when she'd originally done the picture.

"What are you doing?" Josh asks, settling into the seat next to her.

"I've been commissioned for a picture," Maya admitted, biting her lip.

"For the school?" Josh presses, pulling a textbook from his bag, along with his laptop.

"No, it's for a friend," Maya replied, "I did this one awhile back and they want something similar."

Maya handed over the picture for him to see and watched as he carefully studied it.

"It's stunning," he complimented her.

"It may be my last decent piece," Maya admitted, taking it back and setting it in a folder at the back of her sketchbook. Lucas had made her promise that he would get the picture back along with the new one.

"You're just going through the artist's equivalent of writer's block," Josh assured her, opening his laptop.

"Speaking of which, are you going to let me read your new chapter?" Maya questioned, fixating the full force of her gaze on him.

She'd been surprised by how easily they had fallen into being together. Granted, her mother thought that he was helping her get caught up on schoolwork and they hadn't managed much more than a couple of stolen kisses and some handholding, but she liked that their relationship was being built on friendship.

She liked that he knew all about her problems with her art and that he had confided in her that he was trying to write a book, and she liked that they knew each other's orders at _Topanga's_. He was easy to talk to and he was never one to judge her for her thoughts or the stupid things that she had done.

Not that the talking was the only aspect of their relationship. Aside from Lucas, he was one of the few people who put up with her teasing and sarcasm. And he was a pretty great kisser.

"I'm not sure that I like it," Josh admitted, pulling her from her thoughts and biting his lip in a way that made Maya wish she could just lean over and kiss him.

"I've liked everything else that I've read and you know how much I hate reading," Maya reminded him.

"Give me a few more days to polish it and then you can read it," Josh suggested and Maya let out a groan, "So, what are you going to do about _your_ art?"

"Go back to drinking," Maya suggested and a frown spread across his face.

"You know, that's not even slightly funny?" Josh informed her.

"My therapist says that I've been using inappropriate humor to mask the trauma of almost dying," Maya offered, keeping her gaze fixated on her sketchbook.

They lapsed into silence and Maya could see him struggling to come up with a response out of the corner of her eye.

"You want to get out of here?" Josh suggested and Maya looked at him in surprise.

"How do you plan on talking my mother into that?" Maya questioned, her eyes darting across the room to where Katy was wiping down tables.

"Like this," Josh said, setting his things down, as he crossed the room to talk to her mother.

They were far enough away that Maya couldn't pick up the conversation, but Josh seemed to be reassuring her initial denials and he came back towards Maya with a smile on his face.

"Let's go," he said, packing up his things and swinging his bag onto his back.

"You're kidding," Maya said, staring at him blankly.

"We'd better hurry before she changes her mind," Josh insisted and Maya quickly gathered her own things and followed him out of the building.

"So, where are we going?" Maya asked, falling into step beside him.

"You'll see," he returned, grabbing her hand and leading her down the steps to the Subway.

"Taking the artist to an art gallery. There has to be a cliché in there somewhere," Maya commented, as they paused in front of the Grey Art Gallery on the NYU campus.

"Well if you don't want to, we can turn around and go back to _Topanga's_ if you want?" Josh suggested and Maya grabbed his arm before he could continue in the opposite direction.

"I'm sorry. Thank you for freeing me from my mother's watchful gaze," Maya insisted, letting him lead her into the building.

Josh used his student ID to get them in and let Maya take the lead as they examined the current exhibit.

"You know what I don't get about art?" Josh questioned, as she led him down the rows of paintings, occasionally pausing to look at one.

"What?" Maya asked, stopping in front of a colorful picture of floating balloons.

"That picture to me is just a bunch of balloons, but you could be seeing it as an entire political commentary," he pointed out and Maya smiled.

"I don't know enough about politics to relate this painting to one," she informed him.

"But you know what I mean. Everybody sees something different, so how do you know that the pictures you're drawing of everyday objects or Riley's million paintings of purple cats, wouldn't be incredible art to someone? Why do you consider that being blocked?"

"Because I don't feel anything when I'm creating it. Art is all about feeling something, especially for the artist," Maya returned, "And when it's done right, you shouldn't be trying to force yourself into feeling something. You just do."

"And you're forcing yourself into feeling things?" Josh questioned, looking at her uncertainly.

"I think that I've been feeling so much since my overdose that it can't translate to paper," Maya said, thoughtfully.

"Did your therapist tell you that?"

"No, the balloons did," she replied, smiling at him before she buried her head in his chest. His arm wrapped around her back, pulling her closer and she found herself wishing that she could just freeze this single moment in time.

Maya entered her home, hearing the light sound of the television running and what sounded like the dishwasher. She hesitantly made her way into the living room and smiled as she saw Katy and Shawn curled up on the couch. They had Katy's book of wedding plans on the coffee table and the TV running on a show that Shawn had probably picked.

"How was the art museum?" Katy questioned, looking up from what she was doing.

"It was nice," Maya offered.

"Did you get lots of ideas for your report?" Katy pressed and Maya realized that she probably should have asked Josh for more details on how he had convinced her mother to let her go.

"It was really helpful," Maya said, figuring that it was best to keep her answers vague, "How's the wedding planning?"

"Exhausting," Shawn spoke up, taking a look at the glare Katy was sending him and tacking on the second half of his answer, "But so much fun."

"I know you're a better liar then that," Katy informed him, folding her arms across her chest.

"Not with you," Shawn returned and her mother seemed to melt at the words.

"I'm going to just go hang out in my room," Maya informed them, figuring that it was time to make her retreat.

"Maya?" Katy stopped her and Maya tensed as she wondered if she was about to be told that her mother didn't trust her to be in her room alone.

"Yes," Maya slowly turned around.

"I want to talk to you about this morning," Katy said, her tone serious.

"Right now?" Maya questioned, her eyes trailing to Shawn and back to her mother.

"Not that. What you said about not being able to do anything on your own," Katy clarified.

"What about it?"

"I've been told," it was Katy's turn for her eyes to flicker towards Shawn, "That I might be going a little overboard with some of my rules and that I'm never going to be able to rebuild my trust with you if I don't give you a chance to test it."

"That makes sense," Maya offered, wondering if she was about to get some leniency.

"I still want to know exactly where you are, when, and what you're doing, but I'm going to stop requiring that you have someone with you whenever you go somewhere," Katy informed her.

"And no one has to sit outside of the shower when I'm showering?" Maya pressed, though she knew that she should probably just take the leniency.

"Please, don't abuse my trust," Katy pleaded and Maya nodded.

"I won't disappoint you," Maya promised.

"I love you, Maya," Katy told her.

"I love you, too, Mom," Maya returned, saying it sincerely for the first time in a long time.

Maya dropped her bag on the floor of her room and grabbed her sketchbook. Sprawling across her bed, she slowly started to outline the picture that she hoped would be her artistic comeback.

"I forgot something," Katy appeared in the doorway of Maya's room.

"What's that?" Maya questioned, worried that her mother was about to take everything back.

"This came in the mail," she responded, tossing Maya a large, white envelope with an NYU return address.

"I'm popular with the postal service this week," Maya offered, afraid that if she touched it, it might jinx it.

"This is one letter that you're going to have to open. Preferably, right now, where I can see it," Katy said, her eyes lighting up with excitement.

"I can't, I promised Riley that we would open them together in the bay window," Maya informed her.

"I expect to know the results as soon as you have them," Katy demanded.

"Promise," Maya agreed, unsure how she was supposed to go back to her drawing with the envelope sitting right there.

"That looks like an acceptance letter," Maya said, looking at the thick envelope that Riley is holding in her hands, while sitting on Riley's bed. She's not coming over for meals with the Mathews' anymore, but her struggles with Riley's parents don't extend to Riley. She considers Riley's bedroom neutral territory.

"I'm not opening mine, until you open yours," Riley insists, tucking the envelope under her arms as she crosses them.

"I spent something like a third of the year in rehab, there's no way that I actually got in," Maya pointed out, though her hands are itching to dig through her bag and pull out her own letter that had come in the mail the previous day. She was starting to find it physically painful not to know one way or the other.

"Maya, from the time we were in middle school, we promised each other that we would open our letters to NYU together, sitting in the bay window. We can't sit in the bay window, until you have hope. It ruins the magic."

"The bay window just keeps getting more and more rules," Maya complained, as she pulled out her own envelope, staring at her name written across the top.

"This is our dream. Now tell me that you got in," Riley insisted, tapping her foot.

"I suppose there is a slight possibility that I might have gotten in," Maya offered, sliding off the edge of Riley's bed and standing up.

"Like you mean it," Riley insisted, her eyes narrowing.

"I got in," Maya offered, her voice lacking enthusiasm.

"I know that you can do better than that," Riley frowned.

"Are we going to open these letters, or not?" Maya asked, holding hers up.

"Alright, come on," Riley said, sinking into her designated spot and Maya taking the seat beside her.

"Whatever happens, it doesn't change things between us," Maya promised.

"Maya," Riley warned her, "We open them on three."

"One," Maya offered, her fingers finding the edge of the flap.

"Two, three," Riley finished counting, tearing the paper open. Her eyes scanned through the words before she let out an excited scream, "I got in!"

Maya frowned as she finished scanning through the rest of the letter and she watched as Riley's eyes widened.

"What does it say?" Riley demanded, looking like she was seconds from tearing the letter from Maya's hands.

"It says that you're going to be helping me with my schoolwork for the next four years," Maya informed her and Riley pulled her into a hug.

"We're going to college!" Riley laughed.

"We are," Maya agreed, a smile spreading across her face.

"What's with the screaming?" Cory questioned as he stuck his head through the door.

"We got in to NYU!" Riley said, crossing the room to hug her father.

"Both of you?" Cory asked, a smile spreading across his face.

"Both of us," Riley returned.

"Topanga!" He called out and seconds later Topanga was entering the bedroom, followed by Maya's favorite of Riley's uncles.

"What's going on?" Topanga questioned, looking uncertainly between the people in the room.

"Maya and I got into NYU," Riley replied, still not tired of saying the words. Maya had to admit that she enjoyed hearing them.

"Congratulations!" Topanga beamed, pulling Riley into her arms. Cory sandwiched the hug and Maya wondered if all of three of them were going to start jumping up and down.

"I heard they're only accepting married applicants," Josh informed her, taking advantage of the Mathew's distraction.

"Was that an offer?" Maya returned, smiling as a blush spread across his face.

"Maya, do you want to stay for dinner?" Cory questioned when they had pulled themselves out of their excitement.

"I should go tell my mom the good news," Maya replied, holding up the acceptance letter.

"We could invite her, too," Topanga extended the proverbial olive branch.

"Thanks for the offer, but I've got plans," Maya rejected the invitation, preparing to make her way out of the bay window. It wasn't even a lie, she was supposed to check in with her mother, but then she was meeting Lucas at his house. Her second time exercising her newfound freedom that day.

"We're proud of you, too, Maya," Cory assured her and Maya forced a smile.

"Thanks," Maya returned, slipping one foot out the window.

"Why don't I walk you to the subway?" Josh suggested and the Mathew's looked at him in surprise.

"Weren't you going to have dinner with your family?" Maya pointed out.

"I can come back," he replied.

"I guess. You know what a dangerous neighborhood this is," Maya joked, slipping her body the rest of the way out.

Maya had never seen Josh climb out a window, but the skilled way that he did it suggested that it wasn't his first time. She filed away the information to tease him about, later.

They both made their way down the fire escape without incident, though a million thoughts were running through her head.

She was thrilled that she had gotten into school and that she was going to get to stay with Riley. Their relationship had been improving more and more since Maya's brush with death, but Maya was carrying so many secrets with her that she figured it was a matter of time before Riley discovered them and it all blew up in her face.

"You know, it's really unfair," Josh broke the silence, walking close enough to her that their hands could brush.

"What is?" Maya asked, forcing herself to pay attention.

"You opened my acceptance letter for me and I didn't even get to be there for yours," he pointed out.

"You're right that was unfair," Maya laughed, "I'll have to think of some way that I can make it up to you."

"What did you have in mind?" he asked as they both stopped in front of _Topanga's._

She casually glanced around the deserted street before closing the distance between them until she could feel his breath hitting her face.

"I'll think of something," she assured him, wrapping her arms around his neck to steady herself, as she pushed onto the tips of her toes and pulled him into a kiss.

Maya happened to enjoy the stolen, quick kisses that they had shared in the past, but she found herself thinking that there was something to be said for slow and lingering, too. His hands traced patterns on her waist and hers moved from his neck down to rest against his chest. When it finally occurred to her that they were standing in front of an establishment that everyone they knew tended to frequent, she reluctantly pushed him away, trying to catch her breath.

"I look forward to seeing what you come up with," he smirked, though his voice came out breathless and it somewhat ruined the effect.

"Have fun at your dinner," she smiled, taking the steps down to the entrance and looking back once to see him staring after her.

"What did it say?" Katy demanded, as soon as Maya opened the door.

"I got in," Maya admitted, watching as Katy darted across the room to pull Maya into a hug.

"I knew that you could do it, Baby Girl," Katy said into Maya's hair as she pulled her closer.

"Of course she could, she's just as smart as her mother," Shawn added, coming in behind her.

She had a sinking moment where she wondered if he had seen her and Josh, but turning to look at him she couldn't see anything other than excitement on his face.

"You're going to college!" Katy laughed and Maya could see her mother trying to wrap her mind around the idea.

"We're proud of you," Shawn assured her, pulling her into a hug and Maya found herself wondering how the same words could mean so much more coming from Shawn, then they did Cory.

She found her usual seat on the subway and went over the letter again, running her fingers over the words. She really wasn't sure how she had managed to get in. Her grades had started out okay, but they'd slowly decayed throughout the rest of her high school years, to the point where she had barely passed her classes the last two years. Her SAT's hadn't been anything to brag about, either.

She slid the paper back in the envelope and paused as she realized that she had missed another sheet of paper. Pulling it out she found that the letter was handwritten and she stared at it in confusion. Riley's envelope had been completely destroyed in Riley's excitement and she knew for a fact that there hadn't been any additional papers in her best friend's.

Unfolding the piece of stationary, Maya's eyes scanned over the words.

 _Dear Maya Hart,_

 _NYU is thrilled to hear of your interest in joining us this next year. Rebecca Friar has been an amazing support to the school and shown us what amazing talent you have to contribute. We look forward to seeing what you accomplish during your time on our campus. Please send our regards to the Friar family._

 _Dean of Admissions,_

 _Carter Paulson_

Apparently the magic of the bay window wasn't the only force at play.

 **Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone who has reviewed! I got some questions last chapter about Josh saying that him and Maya had never been a couple in Laws of Timing and some other things that I talked about in LOT, but that are different here or haven't happened here. I'm going to take a page out of the GMW's writers notebook and try explaining things in a completely vague way:**

 **I had a boyfriend in high school for part of my Freshman year and some of Sophomore year. We had started out as really good friends, but for a variety of reasons we reached a point in our relationship where things weren't going well. I asked for some space and he took that to mean that he should date my best friend. It didn't end well. I didn't talk to either of them for years. I ran into said ex-boyfriend awhile ago and we got talking about what had happened. You can imagine my surprise when he informed me that apparently we had never, "Officially," been together and I had never had genuine feelings for him. He had altered our relationship, in his mind, so that the choices that he made weren't as bad as they were. Now, he's pursuing a career as a professional magician, who pays the bills by working at a party supply store. So, I would say that I probably dodged a bullet, but that's just my perspective.**

 **Hopefully, most of the confusion will be cleared up throughout the rest of this story. Maya's in her senior year now and the story goes up to when she's in her thirties, so there are still a lot of things that are going to happen. Thanks for reading and I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


	14. Return to Sender

"What is this?" Maya demanded, flinging the written paper at Lucas.

"It looks like a letter," he offered, his eyebrows raising as he scanned over the words.

"It looks like your mother got me into NYU," Maya returned, still trying to process the information.

"You don't know that. They said that they appreciated your talent," Lucas said, diplomatically.

"I can't go," Maya sighed, sinking down into the chair of his bedroom's desk, "Some other person with better grades, who actually deserved this, didn't get in because of something your mother did. How am I supposed to go to school and not feel guilty about that?"

"What are you going to do, Maya? If you don't take this position, you'll what, wait tables? We both know that you can do a lot better than that and after the mess of a year that you've had, you deserve something good to happen to you," Lucas argued, setting the paper aside.

"My mom is marrying Shawn. That's what I wanted since I was in middle school and that's my good thing of this year. I'll take a year off, retake my SAT's and apply again next year or I'll focus on my art, school's never been my thing, anyway," Maya suggested, though she was already thinking of the argument that it was going to cause with Riley. Riley would never understand how Maya could turn down a position at their dream school and trying to explain to Riley that she had just gotten the acceptance because of her ex-boyfriend's mother would hurt her.

"Maya, your life's going to be a lot better with a college degree and you know that," Lucas reminded her.

"I'm aware of that, thank you. My mother moved to New York after high school to pursue an acting career and never went to college and look at where she's at. I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting tables and hoping for a dream to come true that's never going to happen, but I can't do this knowing that I got in unfairly," Maya replied, trying not to imagine the proud look on her mother's face and on Shawn's face. That look would go away as soon as they found out that she had rejected her acceptance.

"You don't know that. Obviously my mother said something, but it could have just been like a really nice letter of recommendation. She probably said something to them about me, too, and I'm not turning down my acceptance," Lucas pointed out.

"You're going to NYU?" Maya looked up from the floor in surprise. She'd heard about most of his acceptance letters from Farkle, but she'd never in a million years thought that he would end up at the same school as her.

"Yeah, I thought a lot about it and I can't just leave my family right now," he replied, his voice tired.

"You got accepted to Stanford and Duke University and Columbia, NYU's a step down and you know it," Maya said, wondering what he was thinking.

"I go to any of those schools and it's bragging rights for my father, who I haven't seen in a week, by the way. NYU is in the city and I can be here for my mom," Lucas informed her.

"Take it from the girl who invented, 'Daddy issues,' and don't do something just to spite your father. When you try to escape the person that you don't want to become, you end up a drug addict who lets guys with no experience cut her hair."

"I like it short," he informed her, a smile spreading across his face.

"I don't mind the length that it's at, but I think that I'm going to grow it out again. The curls are a nightmare to manage and Josh likes it long, anyway," she paused, as she suddenly realized that she had just said something that she wasn't supposed to.

"You're still chasing after Riley's uncle? When did he even say that about your hair?" Lucas questioned, looking at her in amusement.

She let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't been more intuitive, "He's been helping me with my school work."

"Has he talked to you about when you were in the hospital?" Lucas questioned, his face going blank.

"Not really, why?" Maya returned, wondering what he was getting at.

"No reason, I just don't understand him," Lucas admitted, "But you didn't come all the way over here to talk about Josh."

"Here's your original," Maya handed over Nick's picture, hesitating on the folded paper that she had been so sure was her artistic comeback. Now, she was having second thoughts.

"Do I get to see what you came up with?" Lucas pressed.

"I know you said that you wanted a star that looked manly, but I got thinking about what you said while we were in Texas, about how Nick saw the best in you and made you want to make the right decisions," Maya carefully unfolded the piece of sketch paper that she had pulled from her notebook.

"It's perfect," he admitted, running his hand over the pencil lines, just like Nick had done.

"Are you sure that you really want do this?" Maya asked, leaning back in her seat.

"Yeah, I'm sure. You going to come with me?" Lucas returned, standing up from the bed and grabbing his jacket.

"Don't I always?" Maya pointed out, standing up to follow him.

Lucas is seated facing her, though she's pretty sure that she's more nervous than he is. She can't help biting her lip as she waits.

"This is pretty good; did you design this?" the man who's helping them asks.

"She did," Lucas informed him, smiling at Maya.

"I did," Maya admitted.

"You have real talent," he complimented her.

"Thanks," Maya replied, looking away as Lucas stripped off his shirt.

"I was thinking on my shoulder blade," Lucas informed the man, returning to his seat.

"Where his mother won't see it," Maya added and Lucas glared at her.

"I can do that," the tattoo artist assured him, looking intently at Maya's picture.

"I won't judge you if you cry, Huckleberry," Maya joked, crossing her legs and settling into her seat.

"Thank you, Maya, I really appreciate that," he returned, his voice sarcastic.

"Last chance to back out," the man informed them, though Maya knew that Lucas was committed to this. He'd been committed from the moment he'd tracked her down in the school halls and asked her to design a tattoo that could memorialize Nick.

"I'm not backing out," Lucas assured him.

Maya watched in silence as her design was inked, permanently, into Lucas's skin. The cross between a compass rose and a star, slowly started to take shape and it was a funny feeling knowing that someone was going to be wearing a piece of her art forever. Maya watched as the artist applied a piece of gauze and explained the care instruction to Lucas, but an idea had already started to take shape in her head.

"I want one," Maya informed them, as Lucas put his shirt back on.

"That sounds impulsive," Lucas warned her.

"You have something to help you remember the important things about this last year and I want something like that, too. Something to remind me that, no matter how hard life gets, you can find happiness again," Maya explained.

"What did you have in mind?" Lucas returned her words from when he had expressed the idea to her and she held up another drawing.

"Hey," Josh greeted her, pulling open the door to his apartment, "What are you doing here? I thought you had curfew."

"I'm spending the night at Riley's and, while Riley is very disappointed in me, she agreed to cover for me as long as I get there in the next two hours," Maya replied, slipping passed him as he stepped aside.

"Is everything okay?" he asked, hesitantly, gesturing for her to take a seat on the couch.

"I'm not sure that I can go to NYU," Maya admitted, sinking back into the cushions.

"What are you talking about? You seemed fine with it this afternoon and it was all Riley talked about through dinner," Josh informed her, taking the seat next to her, "If it's the money, there are some great scholarship programs."

"I'll probably need a scholarship to go, but my mother set up a college fund after my dad left and it's enough to get me through the first few semesters," Maya admitted, staring intently at her knees. Despite all of their struggles with money, her mother had _always_ set aside part of her paycheck to go into that fund. She wanted Maya to have more opportunities then she had.

"So, then what's the hang-up?" Josh questioned.

"I'm going to tell you something and I need you to promise that you won't get upset," Maya said, biting her lip as she peeked at him through the corner of her eyes.

"Okay?" he said, hesitantly.

"I didn't go to art camp last summer," she informed him, watching as confusion registered across his face.

"Then, where were you?"

"I went to Texas with Lucas and his family," Maya admitted, surprised by what a relief it was to finally tell someone, even if it wasn't the person that she really should be telling.

"You went to Texas with Riley's ex-boyfriend?" he clarified, looking at her incredulously, "Does she know?"

"No, my mother, Lucas's family, and Cory and Topanga are the only people that know where I was," Maya said, quietly, "And, now you, which is the last person that I want to have added to the list."

"So, you were dating Lucas for something like six months?" he asked, refusing to look at her.

"No, we weren't together, we've never been together," she informed him, wondering where this came from.

"I heard from Cory that you transferred out of his class because you were dating Lucas and now you're telling me that you spent the summer with the guy's family and nothing happened?" Josh pressed.

"He kissed me once, but he was drunk and I'm pretty sure that it didn't count," Maya confessed, knowing that this entire conversation had gotten horribly sidetracked.

"You kissed me when you were high and I count that," Josh reminded her, standing up and pacing at the side of the couch, "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this. You're telling me that you've never dated Lucas, but we can't tell Riley that you spent the summer with him, and you kissed him. I can't decide if I'm more upset for me or for my niece."

"You told me that you wouldn't get upset," Maya reminded him, standing up, "And you're completely missing the point."

"Right, tell me what the point of all this is," he demanded, pausing.

"The point of this is why I can't go to NYU," Maya redirected the conversation.

"Well, I can see why you wouldn't want to go to school with the person who you're lying to. Riley loved you enough to donate a kidney for you, Maya. Do you know how much you have to love someone to be willing to do that?" he paused, staring intently at her before continuing, "But if there's one person that she just might love more, it's Lucas."

"You think that I don't know that? Lucas and I are just friends, but she's never going to see that if I tell her what happened. She's going to see that Lucas turned to me when his brother was dying and that Lucas's mother is the reason that I got accepted into NYU."

"This just keeps getting better," Josh snorted, running his hand through his hair.

"I didn't ask her to, I would never ask that, but how do I go to NYU, knowing that I didn't get in on my own?"

"Maya, you should just accept the help and go to school," Josh said quietly, his eyes dropping to the floor.

"Are you hearing anything that I'm saying?" Maya demanded.

"You're selfish enough to let Riley keep believing that Lucas is going to come back to her, when he's clearly turned to you. And you're selfish enough to keep lying to her about what you've done because you're afraid that she'll leave you for stealing the person that she's loved for the last eight years. And you're selfish enough to put all of this one me, so now I have to lie to her, too. So, this is just one more selfish thing, right? And college might just give you the perspective that you need to grow up."

"I'm leaving," Maya informed him, moving towards the door.

"Maya, I didn't mean that," he insisted, following her to the door.

"Yes, you did," she returned, closing the door in his face as she made her way out of the building.

Tears streamed down Maya's face as she made her way through the bay window. Riley was already tucked into her bed and was watching movies on her laptop, the light from it illuminating her face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Riley demanded, closing the screen and making her way across the room.

"Nothing, it's just catching up to me that everything is changing," Maya lied, running her hands through her hair.

"But we won't," Riley promised, holding up the hand that she wore her friendship ring on.

"Promise?" Maya questioned, twisting the ring on her own finger.

"Peaches, it's you and me. You and me and College," Riley assured her, "Ring power."

"Ring power," Maya replied, mechanically, a sinking feeling settling in her gut. Maya held up her own hand and Riley reached out and grabbed her wrist.

"What is that?" Riley demanded, looking at the piece of gauze that was stretched across Maya's wrist.

"If I tell you something, you have to promise that you won't tell anyone else," Maya insisted.

"If you're hurting yourself, I'm taking out an ad in the New York times and screaming it from the rooftops," Riley informed her.

"I'm not hurting myself, it's a tattoo," Maya informed her, retracting her wrist and slowly peeling the tape that held the gauze back.

"Maya, do you know how dangerous tattoos are? You can get infections and they're hard to remove and it's permanent. I'm pretty sure that there's nothing worth having permanently engraved in your skin," Riley ranted, pausing as she got a good view of exactly what Maya had engraved on her skin.

The word, "hope," was carefully written across her wrist in black ink, with the, "O," filled in as a certain planet.

"Is that Pluto?" Riley questioned, seeming to get over her disapproval.

"You're my best friend, you're my sister. Regardless of how much I've messed up this last year, we've managed to get back to our sisterhood. And I know that we're not always going to be together, that our dreams are going to take us in different directions, but this is the piece of you that I always want to carry with me. The part of you that hopes and dreams and believes."

"That's beautiful, Maya," Riley said, pulling her into a hug.

"But if my mother finds out, she'll put me on house arrest, again and I would really like to avoid that."

"I won't tell anyone, but sooner or later they're going to find out," Riley sighed, "The secrets we keep always come out."

"But there has to be a right time to tell her, right? When our relationship has completely healed and I know that she's going to understand?" Maya latched onto her last words, trying not to completely let her guilt overwhelm her.

"I guess," Riley shrugged, "But you'll be living with me in a dorm this fall, anyway."

"What if college isn't for me?"

"There's something in college for everyone, you'll see, and we'll be together, which is the important thing. I can't imagine facing this next phase in my life without you," Riley insisted, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you, too, Riles," Maya sighed, closing her eyes, and wondering if she was strong enough to live with the choices that she's carrying.

Maya played with the edges of the letter, trying to decide if she was going to open it. She'd thought about throwing it away and removing temptation, but just like with the OxyContin, she just couldn't bring herself to do it. She had a history of giving in to temptation and she figured that it was only a matter of time before her curiosity became too much.

She'd been ignoring calls from Josh all day, but she couldn't help listening to the voicemails, anyway. Apparently, you could take the drugs out of the girl, but the temptation to play with fire was never going to go away. She did the same thing with scabs, picking them off before they had the chance to heal. She knew it was going to hurt her, but she just couldn't help it.

"Hey, did you see the dress I got you for the wedding?" Katy knocked on her door, pausing as she saw what Maya was fixated on.

"I saw the dress, it's beautiful," Maya assured her, setting the letter onto her bedspread and asking her mother not to say anything with her eyes.

"We need to talk about something," Katy said, entering the room and sinking down next to her on the bed.

"I don't want to talk about Dad," Maya insisted, pulling the sleeve of her shirt down far enough that she was sure her mother couldn't see the gauze.

"Neither do I, actually," Katy replied, "Shawn's got a business trip to Europe over your spring break and he wants me to go with him on our honeymoon."

"You should," Maya offered, surprised at the turn this conversation had taken.

"I want to, but I'm not sure about leaving you alone for a week and I know that you've had some problems with the Mathews' since your hearing. I don't want you to feel stuck," Katy explained, brushing a strand of hair out of her face.

"I would be fine, here, by myself, Mom," Maya offered, knowing that being left along was a stretch even with her newfound effort to give Maya some slack.

"I was thinking that maybe you could talk to Rebecca Friar about staying with them," Katy suggested, ignoring what Maya had said.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Maya admitted. She wasn't sure what you said to the woman who got you into NYU and it seemed like it would complicate an already over complicated situation.

"Well, I'm out of ideas," Katy admitted.

"We'll figure something out, Mom. Worst case, I'll put my reluctance aside and go stay with Riley," Maya assured her, knowing that she couldn't hold her mother back.

"I know that Shawn asked you, but I just want to make sure. Are you okay with me marrying him?"

"I love Shawn, Mom. He makes you happy and he's been more of a father to me, then my own. I've wanted you to marry him since I met him, so I'm more than okay with you marrying him," Maya promised.

"I love you, Baby Girl," Katy said, pulling Maya into her side, "I'm sorry that I couldn't give you this sooner. I just keep thinking that maybe it would have helped."

"Me too," Maya admitted.

Maya splattered the paint onto the canvas, surprised by how easily it was coming. It was the frustration of her argument with Josh and knowing that, even though the words hurt, he was probably right. She was being selfish, but she couldn't bring herself to stop. She'd set herself on a course and was willing to let things keep going, until they eventually blew up.

But, more than that, it was the frustration that she could accept doing that. She could know that something was wrong and choose to do it anyway. She was impulsive, erratic, selfish, and she was an addict. She was willing to do whatever it took to keep the people that she needed close, including lying to them.

And, now she knew, that she wasn't the only one.

"You're back," her art teacher informed her, pausing behind her to take in the angry brush strokes, "What do you call this one?"

"Return to Sender," Maya replied, taking a step back.

Stuck in the angry, red splatters of paint, were the torn up pieces of a letter.

 **I'm sorry if this chapter felt a little disjointed. I'm trying to cover all of the important parts, but also finish up Maya's time in high school, so that we can move on. Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone who has reviewed! I would love it if you would leave a review for this chapter!**


	15. All of Me

"That picture is incredible, Maya," Riley said, looking at the canvas that Maya had dragged through the bay window. The finished picture was angry reds, oranges, and yellows, along with the scattered pieces of white paper.

"It's the letter that my father wrote me," Maya admitted, stepping back and sinking down next to Riley on the bed.

"Did it say something bad?" Riley asked, looking at Maya uncertainly.

"He wasn't really an option to donate a kidney, Riley. He has a history of alcoholism and cocaine use. His daughter was the match and he was late because his new wife didn't want their daughter to donate a kidney to me. He was going to let his daughter pay for his sins. He was willing to lie to my mother, to lie to me and play the hero. What kind of person does that, Riles?"

"He told you all that in the letter?" Riley pressed.

"Yeah, because, now, his daughter wants to meet me," Maya admitted, "The girl who was raised with two parents that adore her and who just found out that I exist wants to meet me."

"Do you want to meet her?"

"I used to look at your parents as heroes, do you remember that?" Maya redirected the question.

"We both did," Riley returned, looking at Maya in confusion.

"Well, sometimes you grow up and learn things about your parents that make you stop seeing them as heroes, that make you see them differently," Maya explained.

"Is that what happened between you and my parents?" Riley questioned, jumping onto Maya's example.

"It's not about that, Riles. It's about the fact that he would ask this of me because he wants his daughter to see him as a hero again. To see how messed up I am and why I was worth leaving," Maya finished.

"You don't know that," Riley insisted, "You don't know what's going on in that situation and you won't unless you go and meet with her."

"Meet with the little girl that he stayed for?"

"You have Shawn, you have your mother, you have my parents, even if you are struggling with your relationship with them right now, and you have me. You have a family that loves you and him leaving paved the way for all of that. Him leaving was the best thing that he ever did for you, so don't make this about him. It's about you and your sister, Maya."

"You're my sister, Riles. I don't need another one," Maya insisted, reaching over and taking her friend's hand.

Maya sat sketching the outline of the bay window. The way it looked at night when the light was filtering through and it seemed to call to everyone from the street below. That bay window was her happy place and she needed a little happy in her life at the moment.

"Hey, I need a favor," Lucas informed her, slipping into the vacant seat next to her.

"Look, today's not a good day to ask me for things, okay?" Maya said, closing her sketchbook before he could see the picture that she's working on. She's been hiding out in the library for most of lunch, more for the quiet then any desire to be surrounded by books, but she had also figured that it would be the last place that anyone she knew would think to look for her. Apparently, she was wrong.

"Is this about the acceptance letter?" Lucas asked, "Because I know that you're frustrated about it, but there's nothing that any of us can do, now."

"It's about the fact that our relationship ruins everything. It ruined you and Riley and it's going to ruin Riley and me and it ruined," she cut off before she could add the last name to the list, "It ruined my chances of getting into college on my own merit."

"Maya," Lucas said, hesitantly.

"No, we're done sitting around and talking about everything that's going wrong in our lives. If you need a favor, go ask someone else."

"This is about my mother," Lucas admitted, leaning forward.

"I don't want to talk about your mother," Maya insisted, folding her arms and leaning away from him.

"She may be overbearing, but she does love you, Maya, and I love her. If you thought that a school wasn't going to accept Riley and you knew that you could do something about it, then wouldn't you?"

Maya paused as she thought it over, already knowing the answer. She would do anything for Riley, she would do anything to protect Riley, "Riley's my other half, it's different."

"Riley's your family and my mother sees you as family," Lucas offered, his eyes pleading with her to understand.

"What do you need?" Maya asked, quietly, giving in.

"I think that she might be abusing something," Lucas confessed, "Medication, alcohol, something. She's acting off."

"Her son just died," Maya pointed out.

"But this feels different, something feels wrong. And I figured if anyone would know what I should be looking for, it would be you."

"She's your mother, Lucas. You shouldn't be dealing with this; your father should be dealing with this. What happened to him?" she returned, looking at the weight that had settled on his shoulders.

"He's running for mayor, embarking on a political career," Lucas snorted.

"I'll talk to her," Maya suggested, closing her eyes, as she realized what a conversation like that was going to cost her.

"I'm not asking you to," Lucas replied, "I'm just asking for some advice."

"The accusation is going to go better coming from an addict. She wouldn't want you to see her like that, to know that you're picking up on her weakness. She's a mom and she wants you to keep seeing her as a hero."

"You're telling me that I should just pretend that I don't know anything is wrong?" Lucas clarified.

"I've been informed that I'm pretty selfish, but sometimes I think it's better to spare someone the pain of knowing the truth," Maya offered.

The doorway is familiar, but Maya still hesitated to knock. There are some conversations that you don't want to have, no matter how necessary they may be. Maya closed her eyes before raising her fist to the door.

"You think I'm in love with Lucas," Maya said, as soon as the door opened.

"Maya," Josh greeted her, his face filled with surprise.

"I am selfish. I should have told Riley what was going on, I should have let someone help me, instead of going to Texas with Lucas. But I got lost and I made a mistake and nothing that I do now is going to change that. So, I'm going to be selfish and hang onto my best friend, but I'm not in love with Lucas. I've never been in love with Lucas and I never will be."

"So, then why did you kiss him?" he pressed, looking at her uncertainly.

"He kissed me because his brother was dying and he didn't want to feel. We were both falling apart and we needed a distraction. That kiss was a mistake, that kiss was the reason that I started taking prescription painkillers. Kissing him is that feeling that you get when the smoke is so thick that you can't breathe, it's suffocating you. Kissing you is like being able to breathe, it's like being alive. You make me want to live, want to be better, want to be more than what I am."

"You're telling me that he's the reason that you almost died?" Josh asked, his jaw tensing.

"He was trying to save me from drowning, when he was already drowning himself. We were dragging each other down, but he didn't know about the OxyContin. I almost died because I have an addiction because I was angry and I didn't feel like I was ever going to get out of the darkness that I was stuck in. I wasn't trying to kill myself, but I didn't care if I died. I care now, I want to live."

"Maya, I was the one who gave you a kidney," he informed her and she felt her mouth drop open in shock.

"What?"

"I gave you a kidney, I gave you a piece of me that I'm never going to get back. I don't want it back; I just want you. I want you to be alive and I don't care if you're selfish or if you're an addict, I just need to know that I'm what you really want," he said, quietly.

"You gave me a kidney?" she repeated, her hand going to the scar on her side.

He lifted his shirt, revealing the matching incision scar that ran across his side and she found herself stepping forward and tracing the faint, pink line. The hand that had been holding up his shirt, dropped to cover hers and the material of his t-shirt bunched above their hands.

"You told me that I didn't understand how much you had to love someone to be willing to give them their kidney," she said, hesitantly. He opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off, "I do understand."

His lips descended on hers and her free hand made its way up his chest before tangling in the hair at the back of his neck and pulling him closer. She could feel his hand playing with the edge of her shirt and they slowly made their way into the apartment, neither of them breaking apart. His hand at her waist pushed the door closed, while his body pressed her against the door, eliminating the remaining space between them.

"I haven't seen you around the house for a while," Rebecca commented as she opened the door. Her hair's pulled into a stern bun at the nape of her neck and she's wearing a designer dress that Maya couldn't name and probably couldn't pronounce. There's something about her that just screams, "Expensive."

"You talked to the admissions office at NYU," Maya offered, folding her arms across her chest.

"I did," she agreed.

"I've never had anyone pull strings from me, the things that I earn come from my own hard work and I'm pretty proud of that. So, knowing that you helped get me into college isn't something that I'm going to thank you for," Maya returned.

"I don't expect a thank you, I expect you to look out for my son," Rebecca said, leaning against the door.

"Lucas got accepted into universities all over the country, you couldn't have possibly known that he was going to choose NYU," Maya pointed out, trying to wrap her mind around the new information. She couldn't decide whether the action had been worse when Maya had thought that Rebecca was doing her a favor, or when she knew that it was to protect Lucas.

"Some things a mother knows," Rebecca offered, though Maya had a feeling that there was more to the story, "Did you want to come in?"

Maya reluctantly made her way across the threshold and followed Rebecca into the living room. Nick's picture of the stars was hanging on the wall and despite Maya's desire to remain annoyed at Rebecca, she found herself flattered. She found herself softening. All of the artwork in the Friar's home were originals. To be on the wall of artists that Maya could barely afford a print of their work, let alone an original, was something that Maya had only dreamed about.

"You told me that you abused medication in the past. Are you doing it again?"

"Do I look like someone who is abusing anything?" Rebecca raised an eyebrow and Maya took in the bones that protruded from her arms and the dark shadows under her eyes. They were all things that could be explained away by grief, but addicts didn't get the benefit of the doubt.

"You look like someone who lost her son, an amazing son who deserved to have an entire life. Lucas says that Mr. Friar isn't around a lot and all of those things seem like the perfect situation for a relapse," Maya explained.

"My doctor prescribed sleeping pills because I've been suffering from insomnia, but I haven't take them. I went through a lot of work to get clean and it's not something that I wish to repeat. Though, I'm not sure that I'm acting any better going on no sleep, then I would be if I were medicating," Rebecca offered, folding her arms.

"I used to have trouble sleeping," Maya admitted, thinking of the sleepless nights that had driven her to drug use and the sleepless nights that had come after her overdose, "My therapist suggested that I think about the things that make me happy and when I stopped replaying everything that went wrong."

"Did it work?" Rebecca questioned, looking doubtful.

Maya reached into her pocket and pulled out the picture that she had impulsively shoved into her pocket when she'd decided to come and talk to Lucas's mother. She held out the picture, smiling as her tattoo peeked out from the sleeves of her jacket, "I know that a lot of bad things have happened to your family, but there were a lot of perfect moments, too."

Rebecca's eyes moved over the picture, filling with tears as she took in the picture of Lucas and Nick in the truck on their way to Pappy Joe's.

"You have a real talent, Maya. I didn't force the admissions people at NYU to take you, I just showed them the picture that you drew for Nick. I just told them what an amazing contribution you could provide to the school. I didn't bribe them or threaten to withhold our yearly donation. Your art is what got you in," Rebecca assured her, looking up from the picture.

Maya turned in front of the mirror, taking in the dark blue of the dress that her mother had selected. It barely hit her knees in length, but it had a full enough skirt that it bounced with every movement. The top had a pleated sweetheart neckline, with see-through, lace going up to her collar bone and composing the short sleeves. It was a beautiful dress and it brought out the blue in her eyes.

"You look stunning, Maya," Riley assured her, as she entered the room.

Riley was wearing a purple dress that was long enough to drag on the floor. She'd piled all of her dark hair on the top of her head and the overall effect had Maya wondering if she was channeling her inner Greek goddess.

"So do you," Maya promised, turning away from the mirror. She'd opted to leave her own hair down and it hung in waves that framed her face, "How's my mom?"

"Eerily calm," Riley replied, "Like she doesn't have a single second thought. I hope I'm like her on my wedding day."

"You will be, Riles, and if you're not I'll help you sneak out the back and we can call the whole thing off," Maya suggested, slipping her feet into the shoes that matched her dress.

"That's reassuring," Riley offered, "I would hope that you wouldn't let me get engaged to someone that I wasn't a hundred percent sure about. I wouldn't let you marry the wrong person."

"I'm not going to get married," Maya informed her.

"Come on, Maya."

"No, I'm serious. Having a happy marriage is the exception, not the rule. Look at how many people end up getting divorced," Maya pointed out, "I can't even have kids, so what could I even bring to a marriage? I'm better off on my own."

"I think that when you find the right person, you'll change your mind, but, even if you don't, you're not on your own. You've got me," Riley corrected her, linking her arm with Maya's as they both took one final look in the mirror.

Maya thought of Josh and how much she cared about him. If she was going to marry anyone, it would probably be him, but would that be fair? The Mathews' were all about family and she'd seen how amazing he was with Auggie growing up. She couldn't imagine that he wouldn't want a child of his own; with his warm eyes and the smile that made her knees go weak. She couldn't give that to him.

"We can be crazy, purple-cat ladies together," Maya joked, pulling herself out of her thoughts.

"I'm actually more of a dog person," Riley informed her and Maya let out a laugh.

"Let's go check on my mom," Maya suggested, leading her out of the room.

Maya froze when she encountered the object of her thoughts standing in the hall. He was wearing a tux and she vaguely remembered that he'd been added to the groomsmen when Eric had informed them that he wasn't going to be able to make it. They'd been fighting when it had happened and she'd completely blocked the idea from her mind.

"Aren't you on the wrong side of the building?" Riley questioned, placing her hands on her hips.

"Shawn wanted me to make sure that Katy hadn't bolted. He's convinced that she's going to change her mind," Josh informed them, his eyes never leaving Maya as he scanned her body. She could remember Logan doing the same thing and it hadn't had half the effect of what Josh's eyes were doing to her.

"Like I'd let her change her mind," Maya snorted, wondering if her voice sounded as breathless as she felt, "Is he having second thoughts?"

"He's nervous and he might faint standing up at the altar, but I don't think he's going anywhere," Josh promised.

"Tell him not to lock his knees," Riley advised and Maya was half-surprised to realize that she was still there, "I learned that the hard way."

"It was a graceful fall," Maya offered.

"You should get back to your side of the church," Riley advised, slipping open the door to where Katy was getting ready with Topanga.

"I'll follow you in just a second, there's something that I want Josh to tell Shawn," Maya informed Riley and Riley shrugged before letting the door close, the sound echoing through the building.

"You grew up gorgeous," Josh offered, his eyes dancing with an emotion that she couldn't recognize.

"I like that you call me gorgeous and not beautiful," Maya admitted, taking a step towards him.

"I aim to please," he returned, mirroring her movement.

"You don't look half bad yourself," she offered.

"Good enough that you'd consider slipping away with me later?" he questioned and she felt her heart pick up speed in her chest.

"I think you'll have to dance with me first and we'll see how the night goes," Maya returned, her voice cracking despite her attempts to stay cool.

"I think that can be arranged. I'll see you at the altar?" he asked and she wondered if he intended the double meaning that she was picking up in the words, though expressing her views on marriage now would probably make her sound crazy.

"I'll be the one in blue," she offered, instead, gesturing to the dress.

"My favorite color," he announced, turning around to head back towards where the boys were changing. Maya watched him go with a smile on her face.

Riley trips on her way down the aisle and Farkle has to reach out to steady her from where he's sitting on an end, but Maya manages to make it down without incident. The music is slow and she hopes that the ceremony will be short because the heals on her feet are miserable to stand in. She takes her position on the side of the room, smiling at Josh across the aisle, before she watches her mother start her way down.

There's something about Katy that glows and Maya turns to look at Shawn and finds a look of adoration that nearly takes her breath away. This is what she's wanted for the longest time and having it actually happen it a surreal experience.

Tears are running down her cheeks by the time that her mother promises the traditional vows and she hesitantly reaches up to wipe them away.

"Can I say something?" Shawn questions before he's supposed to list the same vows.

"We agreed we weren't going to write our own vows," Katy reminded him. It had actually been a huge ordeal because despite her mother's background in acting, she was terrified of writing her own vows and saying them in front of the crowd. They'd compromised and agreed they could share them together in private. That was the one part of this day that Maya really didn't want to think about.

"I know what we agreed, but there's someone else that I have some promises for," Shawn replied, looking over at Maya, "I love you, Katy, and I love your daughter. I know that normally the step-father is supposed to say that he would never want to take the place of your father, but I want to. I want to be there for you and support you and someday get to walk you down the aisle when it's your turn, a very long, long, long, time from now. I promise that I'm not going anywhere and there's nothing that you could do to push me away. So, I'm promising you, Maya, that I'm going to be here for you. I'm in it for the long game with both of you."

"Thank you," Katy said, her voice choked with tears, though Maya couldn't see her face from where she was standing.

"I should have asked you to marry me a long time ago, Katy. I'm sorry that I made you wait to so long. I love you more then I knew it was possible to love someone and Cory's my soulmate, so that's saying something. I know that I'm going to make a million mistakes and that we're going to argue and fight, sometimes, but I want you to know that I'm never going to walk out on you. I want to be here through thick and thin and everything in between. There's nobody else that I would rather face the world with."

"I love you," Katy whispered and Maya smiled as Shawn's hand reached up to wipe the tears from her face.

Maya's sure that other things are said, but she's too busy studying her parents to process the words. Before she knows it Shawn is pulling Katy in for a kiss. Shawn was already her family, but Maya has to admit that there's something to knowing that he's legally bound to her family, now. That everything is official.

"Cake now?" Cory questioned, as her parents broke apart.

"Cake now," Shawn agreed, pulling Katy into his side, as Cory and Shawn walked together back down the aisle.

"I probably should have warned her that you marry one and you end up with both of them," Topanga mused, shrugging before she followed after them.

"How do you feel?" Riley questioned, linking her arm through Maya's as the two followed after the adults.

"I feel like maybe there's something to believing in Pluto," Maya replied.

Maya placed her feet on an empty chair as she watched Farkle attempting some complex dance moves in the middle of the area that had been cleared for dancing. Riley was hesitantly bobbing up and down by his side and Maya felt like maybe she should pull out her camera and film it. It would have to be worth something when Farkle eventually took over the world.

"There's something incredibly sad about a beautiful girl sitting at a table while everyone else is dancin'," Zay informed her.

"What about him?" Maya gestured over to Lucas who was looking at the floor with a forlorn expression on his face.

"He's being stubborn and stupid," Zay shrugged, "And I would much rather dance with you, anyway. So, what do you say?"

Maya looked at the extended hand and thought of her feet, which were already in an immense amount of pain. Shrugging, she slid her shoes off under the table and took his hand. Zay was amazing at a lot of things. He'd taken up cooking during high school and he made the best chili that Maya had ever had and she would be willing to kill someone for one of his brownies. He, also, was one of the few people who could wrangle Lucas when he was in a mood. However, the thing that he was most underappreciated for was his ability to dance.

Zay easily spun her around the floor, guiding her through complicated dance steps that she's pretty sure she'll never be able to repeat, "Where did you learn this?"

"Ballroom dance classes. Girls can't resist a guy who knows how to lead," Zay informed her, raising his eyebrows as he spun her out and pulled her in close again.

"You mind if I cut in?" a new voice asked and Maya smiled as she saw Josh standing next to them. The music had just turned to a slower song and she had been dying to feel Josh's arms around her all day.

"I suppose not, but you should know that I'm a tough act to follow," Zay informed him, releasing Maya.

"I have no doubt," Josh laughed, pulling Maya into his arms, "He seems like some pretty stiff competition."

"I'm not sure that anyone can top donating their kidney to me," Maya pointed out, wishing that she could close the distance between them, but knowing that they needed to keep a respectful distance from each other while both of their families were in the room.

"I hope no one gets the chance to," Josh smiled, spinning her before pulling her back into his arms.

"You want to get out of here?" Maya questioned, checking to make sure that everyone around them was distracted.

"You sure?" Josh asked.

"I've gotten to see all the important parts," Maya shrugged, gesturing to the hallway that would lead them out of the building.

Josh followed along behind her, keeping his distance until they were out of sight of anyone from the reception, and then he grabbed her from behind, spinning her body until her back hit the hallway wall.

"You've been driving me crazy all day," he informed her, brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Maybe we should do something about that," Maya suggested, twining her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. His hands moved from the side of her head, brushing her sides as they made their way to her waist.

"What are you doing?"

 **Thanks for reading! I apologize for how long it's taken me to get this chapter up, but I've been struggling with writer's block for the last few days. Seeing Josh and Maya in Girl Meets Ski Lodge greatly helped, those episodes have to be some of my favorite. Anyway, I would love it if you would leave me a review and let me know what you think. The reviews really help me stay motivated to write! Thanks again!**


	16. Reality

"What are you doing?"

There are some things that Maya had never wanted to hear and some situations that she really never wanted to get caught in. Making out with a boy in the hallway at her mother's wedding was really close to the top of the list, right beneath her mother discovering the tattoo that she had hidden beneath a wide assortment of bracelets. Getting caught making out with _Josh_ at her mother's wedding, completely jumped above the tattoo and landed right underneath Riley finding out that she'd spent the summer with Lucas. The fact that it was Cory made it that much worse.

Josh and Maya both froze for a moment of tense panic before they realized that there really wasn't any talking their way out of the situation.

"My brother," Josh tried, pulling away from Maya entirely.

"What are you doing?" he repeated, looking between the two of them as though he still couldn't quite comprehend what was going on.

"I stopped breathing?" Maya suggested, knowing that it was one of her worse lies.

"You stopped breathing?" Cory repeated, blinking several times as he tried to process the words.

Josh gave her a look that clearly told her what a stupid excuse that was and she could only shrug helplessly.

"They don't even recommend that you use mouth-to-mouth in CPR, anymore," Cory informed them, letting out a slightly hysterical laugh.

"I didn't know that," Josh offered and Cory's gaze shifted back to his brother.

"You choose Shawn's wedding to do this?" Cory demanded, rubbing his face with his hands.

"It's not what you think," Josh continued and Cory's head snapped up.

"So, my adult brother, isn't making out with a senior at my high school? My brother isn't making out with Shawn's step-daughter, with Riley's best friend? That's not what's happening?"

"Mr. Mathews," Maya protested, as Josh's shoulders sagged with the accusations and the look of anger and disappointment that was flickering Cory's eyes.

"Don't even get me started on you," Cory insisted, turning on her.

"Well, maybe you should. It wasn't just Josh," Maya pointed out.

Cory paused, letting out a sigh, before he responded, "Here's what we're going to do; Maya's going to go back to her mother's reception, where she's going to make the rest of this night pleasant. Josh, you should go back to your apartment and I'll come by to see you when this is over."

"I'm not a child that you can just order around," Maya protested, "What we're doing isn't wrong."

"Maya, I'll talk to you later," Josh cut-in, his eyes pleading with her to just listen.

"No, he doesn't get to freak out about this," Maya argued.

"I'll talk to you later, things will be fine," he promised, giving her a smile that didn't reach his eyes before making his way into the night.

"Let's go," Cory said, holding one arm out in the direction of the reception.

"What are you going to do about this?" Maya demanded.

"Nothing, for now. Tonight is supposed to be about Shawn and your mother, let's not ruin this," Cory pleaded.

"I'll go back with you, but you should know that I'm not some hormonal teenager making out with a cute boy in the hall. I love Josh, I'm in love with him, and I'm old enough to make my own decisions."

Cory's face goes pale, but he just gestures back to the reception and Maya reluctantly starts making her way back inside. She can't shake the feeling that things just got a lot more complicated.

The reception drags through another hour before Farkle sprains his ankle doing a complex dance move and things promptly disband. Riley insists that Cory and Topanga take Farkle to the hospital and somehow manages to forget that Maya was supposed to be spending the night with them.

Maya's spent the entire hour sending texts to Josh's phone every five minutes and is happy to take the time that has magically opened up to her.

"Are you sure that you're going to be okay?" Katy questions, as Maya helps her slip out of her dress and get ready to leave.

"I'll be fine, I have a key to the Mathew's place, anyway," Maya reminded her.

"I meant for the week," Katy clarifies, as she pulls on the clothes that she brought to change into.

"Riley and I have activities planned every day. I'm not going to be just sitting around her house, so I think that everything will be fine," Maya assured her.

"I expect you to Skype me every night," Katy insisted, turning around to plant a kiss on Maya's head.

"I promise," Maya agreed, "Just go and have fun."

"We will. You'll head straight to the Mathew's house?" Katy pressed.

"I will go there," Maya offered, relieved when her mother was too distracted getting her wedding dress into the garment bag to notice Maya's evasive answer.

She leaves the building and takes off in the direction of Josh's apartment without stopping to find Shawn. She's not sure what her parent's travel plans are, but she's supposed to be spending the next week with her favorite family and she has a feeling that things are going to be incredibly awkward with Cory.

She takes the familiar staircase up and pauses just outside of Josh's door. The door has been left open just wide enough that she can see the couch and voices drift out into the hallway.

"What are you thinking?" Cory was demanding, pacing back and forth across the room.

"I care about her," Josh said calmly.

"You've never even hinted that you have these kinds of feelings for her, before," Cory reminded him, pausing in his pacing.

"They surprised me," Josh offered.

"How long?" Cory demanded, though he didn't specify whether he was talking about the relationship or Josh's feelings.

"We've been together since the engagement party."

"I'm not sure that I even know how to wrap my mind around this," Shawn admitted, though Maya couldn't see him through the slit in the door. He was supposed to be leaving for his honeymoon and instead he was interrogating her boyfriend.

"She's still in high school, Josh. She's a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She has daddy issues," Cory listed, as though they weren't all aware of those things, already.

"She's eighteen, she's old enough to make her own choices," Josh defended himself.

"I'm not doubting her choices. I don't know any high schooler that wouldn't jump at the opportunity to date someone older, especially someone that they've been after since middle school, but I don't know what you're thinking. You're my brother, we were raised by the same parents and they had to have taught you about taking advantage of someone in a delicate emotional state."

"Delicate is not an adjective that I would use to describe Maya," Josh snorted, his voice taking on an edge.

"Really? She should be focused on getting better, on staying sober, she should be focused on Prom and graduation, but instead she's sneaking around with you. How is she supposed to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life when she's completely lost in a relationship with you?" Shawn demanded, his voice deadly quiet.

"You know me. Do you really think that I'm pushing her into anything? And maybe we didn't tell you, but Maya's doing fine. She's going to NA meetings and she's acting like herself," Josh insisted.

"For how long? When this goes badly, what's to keep her from going straight back to her previous coping methods? She hasn't had enough time to learn to stand on her own," Cory cut in.

"None of us know that this is going to go badly," Josh pointed out.

"Really? What's the next step in this? She graduates from high school, you move in together, you get married? You may be ready for that, but she's on an entirely different page, then you. She's about to start college. You remember what you were like, then, were you ready for a serious relationship?" Cory asked.

"I don't know," Josh admitted and Maya felt slightly sick to her stomach.

"And that's not even looking at what prompted this relationship in the first place. How do you know that your feelings aren't just guilt over not being able to help her before? You were guilty enough to give her your kidney, why not to decide to return her feelings? How do you know that this entire relationship is even real?" Cory continued, already on a roll has he worked himself into a frenzy.

"Katy's talked about this they call it," Shawn paused as he searched for the word, "Transference, they call it transference."

"I'm not transferring my feelings of guilt, into what I feel, now, for Maya," Josh argued, though Maya could pick up the tones of confusion and panic that were starting to carry over into his voice.

"Really? When did you start feeling them?" Cory demanded, "When did you see her as anything other than Riley's best friend?"

There was a heavy silence and Maya was sure that they were going to hear the sound of her heart beating inside of her chest from the hallway. She could hear the sound echoing in her ears.

"It didn't happen all at once, it just kind of snuck up on me," Josh finally replied.

"Before or after you gave her your kidney?" Cory pressed and Maya watches through the slit in the door as Josh's head falls into his hands.

"It wasn't romantic before I gave her my kidney, before she overdosed," Josh offered, his voice defeated.

"This can't continue," Shawn said, quietly, his voice going deadly, "It's not healthy and it's going to kill her."

Maya couldn't bring herself to listen to anymore and she found herself backtracking the way that she had come. She barely felt her feet hitting the stairs and the wind brushing against her face, as she finds herself walking, blindly through the city streets.

Josh was the realest thing in her life. Her feelings for him were a constant companion that she'd carried with her for years. She'd had occasional doubts, but it had always come back to her caring about him, her loving him.

She'd taken her overnight bag to Riley's earlier that day, but she couldn't deal with the idea of going to Riley's house. She couldn't just wait for Riley to come home and hope that Cory didn't get there to lecture her first. Or, maybe, he wouldn't say anything because it wasn't her fault, nothing that she was feeling was real.

Maya texted Lucas and he was already waiting outside of his door when Maya showed up. She had blisters from trekking all over the city in her heels and all she wanted was out of her dress, but she paused to stared at him.

"Your mascara's smeared," Lucas commented, folding his arms across his chest.

"Cory's two-for-two in the warning people out of relationships category," Maya offered, brushing her hands across the tears that she hadn't even realized had been falling from her eyes.

"You should come in," Lucas said, pulling open the front door and gesturing for her to follow him inside.

Lucas led her into his bedroom and she sunk down in his desk chair, pulling her legs underneath her and covering them with the skirt of her dress.

"You want to talk about it?" Lucas questioned, sinking down across from her on the bed.

"I've been seeing Josh," Maya admitted.

Lucas's face stayed blank as he seemed to think it through, "I can't really say that I'm surprised. He's the guy that you look at like a hero and the way he was looking at you tonight, wasn't exactly indifferent."

"He's the one good thing that's come out of this entire mess and I might have only gotten him because of it, in the first place," Maya said, quietly, fixing her gaze on the floor.

"Does it matter how you got him? If, in the end, you got him."

"It does if his feelings are based off of guilt. He seemed completely confused over his feelings and you should have seen the way he looked when Cory started throwing out accusations. He adores his brother, he lives for Cory's approval, and who am I to ask him to go against that?" Maya sighed.

"If you love him, you go against everything else. You don't care what anyone else says and you don't let all of the stupid things in life come between you. You don't wait to realize how stupid you've been until the love of your life is looking at Farkle the way that she used to look at you," Lucas informed her and she looked up sharply at the end of his declaration.

"Riley does not look at Farkle the way that she looked at you," Maya snorted, wondering what land of delusion he was living in.

"Farkle's become the person that she talks to instead of me. He's the person who she can be completely herself around. Whatever their relationship really is, Farkle is the one who makes her happy and I can't do that anymore," Lucas informed her, "I can't even make myself happy anymore."

"Are you even trying?" Maya pointed out, "There was a reason that I drew a compass when you asked me to design your tattoo and it wasn't just because of Nick. You used to be our moral compass, you used to be, 'Lucas the Good,' that Lucas still exists somewhere."

"That was strangely optimistic for someone who came here because she's convinced herself that her boyfriend doesn't have real feelings for her," Lucas pointed out.

"I came back from the dead, Friar. If I can come back, so can you."

Maya's phone goes off somewhere passed midnight and she's surprised that Riley's calling her this late. She reluctantly pulled her phone from her pocket and glanced over at where Lucas is asleep on the couch.

"Hey, Riles," Maya greeted her.

"Maya, where are you? We just got home from the hospital and your things are here, but you are not," Riley panicked.

"I'm at Lucas's house," Maya admitted, a feeling of guilt settling into the pit of her stomach.

"Oh," Riley's voice trailed off and Maya could picture the look on her best friend's face. It was the sunken, expressionless look that she got when she was trying to hide her feelings.

"We just were hanging out and I fell asleep watching a movie," Maya explained.

"Are you going to stay with him the entire time that your parent's are gone?" Riley pressed, her voice taking on a dead tone, the kind of tone that Maya never wanted to hear come from her best friend's mouth again.

"No, I'm not," Maya replied, closing her eyes.

"Well, I guess, I'll see you," Riley trailed off, running out of things to say.

"I'll be at your house tomorrow," Maya promised.

The phone went dead and Maya wondered how much worse it would be if she were to tell Riley the other things that she had done with Lucas.

Maya tends to sleep in, but she wakes up early the next morning and sends Lucas a text saying that she's headed to Riley's house. She slips out the front door and glances back once as she realizes that she hadn't seen either of Lucas's parents the entire time that she was there. Granted, she had come late and left early, but she remembered Rebecca being an early riser.

She stopped outside of the Mathews' building and contemplated whether she was going to head up the fire escape or go through the front door. She wasn't entirely sure why she was even considering the front door as an option, but something felt different after last night.

"Maya," Maya found herself spinning around, surprised to find Josh standing several feet behind her.

"Hi," Maya offered, folding her arms across her chest.

"I was actually on my way to talk to you. I did, kind of, expect you to have changed out of your clothes from last night, though," Josh admitted, looking over the wrinkled dress.

"I didn't go home," Maya admitted, staring intently at the ground.

"Your parents aren't even out of town for a day and you're already breaking rules?"

"That's what they're there for, right?" Maya forced a flippant remark.

"Where did you go?" Josh pressed.

"Look, as much fun as it is to play pin-the-mistake-on-the-Maya, was there a reason that you wanted to talk to me?" Maya redirected the conversation.

"I talked to Cory and to Shawn last night and, now, I need to talk to you," Josh replied, gesturing for her to sit down on the steps.

She sunk down into the seat and smoothed her skirt across her lap, watching as he sat down next to her.

"Before you say anything, I just want to tell you that I love you," Maya said, looking up at him, "And I don't love you because you gave me a kidney or because you're Riley's cute, older uncle. I love you because it's impossible for me not to. The more I get to know about you the more I love you and it's just enough that I would never want to come between you and your brother."

"I've spent my entire life trying to make my family proud of me, trying to make Cory proud of me, but none of that would matter, if some of the things that he told me weren't right. Maya, I don't know that I gave you enough time to get passed everything before I forced my feelings on you, enough time to find yourself and who you are," he explained, reaching over to take her hand in his.

"When I'm with you, I'm the person that I want to be," Maya said, quietly, keeping her eyes trained on her knees.

"I don't want you to need me to be that person. You're amazing, Maya, and I don't want to be the thing that holds you back. I want you to be able to go out and experience life and focus on you," he explained, squeezing her hand.

"So, you're breaking up with me?" Maya asked, bluntly, her protective wall slamming into place around her heart.

"I'm saying that I think that we both should take some time and make sure that we really know what we're getting into, what we're doing," Josh answered.

"The thing is, I've never had any doubts," Maya said, standing up and opening the door behind them.

"Maya," Josh protested, and she turned back to look at him.

"The long game is a lot shorter then I remember it being," she offered, entering the building and letting the door slam behind her.

 **Thanks for reading and thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I'm so sorry for how long it took to get this chapter up. I'm in the last two weeks of my summer classes, which are brutal, and, on top of that, my grandfather and cousin have been in the hospital this last week. Everything's fine, my grandfather got a post-op infection after he decided to go camping days after a major surgery and my cousin thought she had appendicitis, which she didn't. However, it's made for a very busy and chaotic week.**

 **Thanks again for reading and I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


	17. Detox

Maya stands outside of the Mathew's front door and stares at the door knob. She could go in, she should go in. The problem is that Maya's always been aware of what the right thing to do is, she just doesn't care.

The desire to numb the million emotions that are shooting from her heart through her veins and into every limb of her body is there, but she feels like turning to any of her usual vices would be proving Cory right. It would be proving that she couldn't have handled a relationship with Josh and that she really is just steps away from a relapse. There's also something buried deep inside of her that admits she doesn't want to mess up Josh's kidney if it's the last symbol she has that he ever cared about her.

She rides the Subway without any destination in mind and watches people come and go. The Subway feels like an odd metaphor for her life.

It shouldn't surprise her that Riley waits until late afternoon to call her. Maya's vaguely aware of the soap opera that is Lucas and Riley. She's spent enough time around Lucas to recognize that he probably would pull Riley down if they were to fix things, but knows that Riley would take him back if he gave any sign of interest. Riley sees just enough good in people that Maya's always worried that she'll end up with someone who's bad for her and the Lucas that Maya has gotten to know is the very definition of angry and reckless.

"Hey, Riles," Maya answers the phone, shifting in her seat.

"Where are you?" Riley questioned, her voice curious and more upbeat then it had been the day before.

"I'm on the Subway," Maya admitted.

"My parents' are wondering if you're going to be here for dinner," Riley explained, "And Josh is coming over."

Maya knows that Riley's offering the knowledge up as an incentive, but she's not sure that she can handle being in the same room as both Josh and Cory. She knows exactly what Josh is doing, checking up on her to make sure that she's alright because even after being the one to cause the damage, he's still a good enough guy to care about what happens to her.

"I think I'm just going to ride a little longer," Maya replied, too tired to handle much more than sitting in self-pity. She's not the kind of girl who plans on eating ice cream and crying herself to sleep over her break up, but there's a part of her that knows she can't handle being alone. She needs to be surrounded by people living ordinary lives to keep herself from going too deeply into her feelings.

"Would you like some company?" Riley questions and Maya finds herself in a simpler time. A time when it was Riley and Maya against the world and boys and uncles didn't matter.

"I'd like that," Maya agreed.

The subway pauses at Riley's stop and Riley's the first person through the door, her head scanning through the rows of seats until she sees Maya. She slides into the seat next to her and they both watch a couple across from them that are holding hands and smiling sickeningly at each other.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Riley questions, forcing her attention away from the happy couple.

"Can we just sit here and not talk about it?" Maya suggested and Riley leaned into Maya's side, resting her head on Maya's shoulder.

"Yeah, we can do that," Riley conceded.

At some point, Maya and Riley make their way back to Riley's house. Maya's pretty sure that it's even within the scope of Riley's curfew. Cory, Topanga, Josh, and Auggie are seated in the living room watching a movie and Josh's head shoots up when she enters behind Riley.

"You want to join us?" Topanga questions, smiling at them.

"I'm headed to bed," Maya declines, her eyes meeting Cory's for a moment. She's not entirely sure if Cory knew that Josh was going to end things, but he manages to look slightly guilty before she's leaving the room.

Riley stays out there for some time and Maya changes into her pajamas and settles onto the side of the bed that Riley doesn't sleep on. She can't help the dark turn that her thoughts seem to take and she finds herself contemplating how badly she wanted to be a part of the Mathews' family and how messed up her relationship with them became somewhere along the way.

She's keeping things from Riley, in some sort of weird blackmail situation with Topanga, she dated and had her heart broken by Josh, and she blames Cory for most of the above. They had been her dream family, the one she loved being an honorary member of, for such a long time, that she found it strange to be under their roof and feel like she'd rather be anywhere else.

Her heart aches inside of her chest, but it's different from how she imagined it would feel. She'd been rejected by Josh so many times that she had assumed the feeling would be similar, but now she knows what it's like to be with him. She knows that he's halfway through his book and she'll probably never get to read the ending and she knows what it feels like to have his fingers twined with hers.

She knows what it feels like to have him like her back and having that taken from her leaves her feeling empty and missing him. The memories run on a reel through her head and tears gather in the corner of her eyes. She finds her hand tracing the scar that lines her side, as she realizes that there's more than one way to give pieces of yourself to someone, and she's not sure that she'll ever get the pieces that she gave to him back. What's worse is that she's not entirely sure that she wants to.

 _"You could stay," Josh suggested, pressing a kiss to her collarbone, as she gathered up her textbooks in preparation of leaving his room._

 _"I have an NA meeting," she replied, sitting up and grabbing her leather jacket from the edge of his bed._

 _"I guess that's a good excuse," he agreed, his voice taking on a teasing reluctance._

 _"You're a bad influence," she informed him, leaning over to kiss him one last time. Her arms wrapped around his neck and, though, she'd meant for it to be just a peck that idea went up in smoke._

 _They broke away breathless and smile played on his face, "Says the drug addict."_

 _"I'll see you, tomorrow," she rolled her eyes, tossing her hair over her shoulder, as she left._

Maya's pulled from the memory by someone shaking her awake and Maya reluctantly opened her eyes, "What are you doing, Riles?"

"I let you sleep passed eight, but we have plans, remember?" Riley reminded her, bouncing on the edge of the bed.

"I just want to sleep," Maya complained, attempting to roll over.

"You went to bed before I did," Riley pointed out, "And you'll feel better if you're up and doing something."

"What do you know?" Maya demanded, sitting up as she stared her best friend down.

"I know that you turned really pale when you saw my uncle last night and I know that you were looking at that couple on the train with undisguised longing. He turned you down again," Riley guessed.

"Yeah, that's what happened," Maya agreed, deciding that Riley's version was as good as any.

"It was at your parent's wedding, wasn't it? That's why you ran off to Lucas's house because you thought that you couldn't talk to me about it because it's my uncle, but you can. And Josh doesn't deserve you, anyway," Riley rambled, forcing the information to fit together into a story.

"He's a good guy," Maya offered, "I'd be lucky to have him."

"I've dated good guys, Peaches, and they're not all their cracked up to be. It's time that both of us got over the guys that we've spent years pining for," Riley informed her, standing up.

"I'll take whatever suggestions you've got," Maya agreed, surprised at upbeat Riley and wondering where she came from.

"We're going on a detox, a boy cleanse," Riley replied, her hands drawing the words in the air.

"Just because you use fancy words doesn't mean that these ideas have any meaning for me," Maya informed her.

"Step One: We cut off all contact," Riley offered.

"Josh practically lives in your house and Lucas hangs out with us," Maya reminded her, "How do we cut off contact with them?"

"We don't initiate it," Riley replied, reaching into her drawer and pulling out a stack of brightly colored index cards.

"What are those?" Maya questioned, wearily, wondering what she had gotten herself into.

"I wrote out all of the steps and instructions for each one," Riley answered, holding up the one for step one. Maya wondered if Riley had taken into consideration that index cards were Lucas's method for organizing and planning out things, but figured that she probably shouldn't bring it up.

"Okay, so we just don't talk to them. We can do that, what's step two?" Maya asked, pulling her feet out of the bed and sitting on the edge.

"The Brother Zone," Riley replied, holding up a card that had a, "TM," in the corner.

"You trademarked it?"

"Maya, college is expensive. If this proves effective we might have a marketable product," Riley insisted.

"You've been spending way too much time with Farkle and it needs to stop now," Maya informed her, her eyes widening.

"That's the point of the brother zone," Riley replied, "When we're hung up on other guys there's no way that we can get into a healthy, normal relationship, so we need to put any chances of romantic relationships on hold, by brother zoning every guy that talks to us."

Maya really wanted to ask whether Riley was just really excited about her plan or had intentionally talked about Farkle and romance in the same statement, but all that came out was, "So, we're going to get over Josh and Lucas by only having platonic relationships with other guys?"

"Dating again comes at the very end of the cleanse," Riley offered, shuffling through the stack as she looked for whatever step allowed them to stop treating every guy like they were your brother.

"Honey, this is crazy," Maya informed her.

"Crazy enough to work?" Riley pressed, a smile spreading across her face.

"I guess there's one way to find out," Maya, reluctantly, agreed.

"Yay," Riley clapped her hands, jumping up and down.

Maya's not entirely sure what triggered the change in Riley, but a brief conversation with her mother after breakfast brings up phrases like, "Regressed to her middle school state," and, "Coping Methods." Maya doesn't really care because she'd like for things to go back to being simple again, too. High School was way too hard and Maya's definitely not ready for college, so she jumps on the bandwagon with careless abandon.

She spends day two of her break up going through Riley's suggestions for a, "Confidence Makeover." Riley gives her a long spiel about female empowerment and dressing for yourself, but Maya's already willing to buy into the idea that even if retail therapy doesn't cure a broken heart, it makes a pretty good distraction.

They visit their favorite thrift stores and manage to find several new outfits that make Maya feel better when she's wearing them. Their styles haven't changed all that much and Riley still drifts towards anything floral and flowing, while Maya sticks to clothes that are slightly edgier, but they seem to produce the same rush of endorphins in both of them.

"What's next?" Maya questions, as she adjusts the bag she has wrapped around her wrist.

"Both of our mothers' have supplied the money for us to get manicures and pedicures," Riley informed her.

"They're in on this cleanse, too?" Maya asked, trying to decide if her mother had sounded like she knew anything when Maya had called her.

"No, I think it's guilt money for going to Europe without you and my mother just decided to match it," Riley shrugged, pulling her into the nail salon.

Riley's nails ended up a light blue and Maya's a dark red and Maya couldn't help thinking that she was glad that some things never changed. They were finally getting back to where they had been before this entire mess had happened and Maya wondered why she had ever let herself get so lost in the first place.

"Are you sure about this?" Maya questioned, as they stopped outside of the hair salon.

"I've always had long hair, Maya. It's time for a change, I'm doing this for me," Riley insisted, linking her arm with Maya's and dragging her into the salon.

"I get that, but you love your hair," Maya reminded her.

"You cut your hair short," Riley pointed out and the ease of the day evaporated as the guilt settled back in Maya's stomach.

"If this is really what you want and not you being impulsive," Maya offered, following her into the store.

"This is really what I want," Riley replied.

Maya watched as they sprayed water into Riley's hair and started cutting. Riley had settled for a length that landed just above her shoulders and Maya had to close her eyes as she watched the dark hair fall into a pile on the ground. It was the weirdest contradiction knowing that they were trying to hold onto who they had been in the past, at the same time as changing themselves for the future.

"What do you think?" Riley questioned, running her hands through her hair, as she stopped in front of Maya. Maya had been flipping through one of the magazine and looked up.

"Riles, I love it," Maya replied, a smile spreading across her face. It made Riley look older somehow and there was a newfound confidence in the way that she was holding herself, "Do you like it?"

"I think it's a good change," Riley offered, paying for the cut, before she led Riley back out into the street.

"I'm getting hungry, do you want to stop somewhere and get something?" Maya questioned.

"Sure," Riley agreed.

They ending up splitting a small pizza and Maya watched as a boy sitting at the table next to them kept shooting discrete glances at Riley.

"I think he's looking at you," Maya informed her, jerking her head in the direction of the other table.

Riley's eyes immediately darted in the direction that Maya had indicated and then promptly returned to the table, "We're on a cleanse."

"There's no room for a rebound on your cleanse?" Maya questioned, leaning back in her seat and watching things play out with amusement.

"We're taking time off to date ourselves," Riley insisted, taking another bite of pizza.

"I don't know that it counts when we're dating ourselves, together," Maya pointed out, "And I love you, Riles, but I just don't see you that way."

"That's why I broke up with Lucas," Riley blurted out and Maya looked up in surprise.

"Because you didn't see him that way?" Maya looked at her skeptically.

"Because I felt lost when I was with him. High school changed him and I tried to adjust to who he was becoming by changing with him, but I lost myself somewhere along the way. It's almost been a year since we broke up and I feel just as lost, now, as I did when things ended. I need to know who I am and what I want out of life before I've got any shot at moving on."

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you after things ended," Maya apologized.

"I don't want to think about the past anymore and all of the mistakes that we've made. Can we just wipe the slate and start fresh?" Riley suggested.

"I'd really like that," Maya agreed.

"Excuse me, but I've been watching you all night and I would never forgive myself if I didn't get your name," a new voice broke into their conversation and the girls looked up to see the guy from the table.

"I'm Riley," Riley offered, looking to Maya for help.

"You know who you remind me of?" Maya questioned him and a smile lit up Riley face, "Auggie, doesn't he just remind you of Auggie?"

"He does, Auggie's my brother," Riley explained, watching as the guy's smile turned to confusion, "You just have his innate eagerness and charisma."

"Um, thank you," the guy offered, looking uncertain of what he was supposed to do now.

"Look, she's really flattered by your interest, but she's in a pretty serious relationship right now," Maya explained.

"Oh, the two of you? I didn't know," he rambled, looking between them with floundering panic.

"We're not together," Riley insisted, "I mean, Maya's my best friend and I love her, but she's my sister."

"Do you compare everyone to your relatives?" he questioned, looking at her with renewed interest.

"She's devoutly religious, she tried to become a nun once," Maya replied.

"That's right, I did," Riley agreed, nodding her head, "I also tried to join the circus."

"It sounds like you lead an interesting life," he offered.

"I'm in love with her uncle," Maya informed him.

"I'm just going to go," he decided, abandoning his table of friends to head straight out the front door.

The two girls dissolved into laughter and somehow, it was exactly what Maya needed.

Day three is harder. Maya starts to think that Riley might be onto something with this detox because it almost feels like when she was trying to get clean. Riley has printed a stack of personality tests that are supposed to tell them who they are, but Maya can't really take them seriously. The idea that a bunch of questions can tell her what she wants out of life or what her personality is feels slightly ridiculous.

She also had way too much time to think about Josh and she misses him. Every time that she sees something interesting around her, she feels the compulsion to send a text and tell him about it. She can't help wondering if he's fairing any better.

"You cut your hair," Zay comments as he enters _Topanga's._

"What do you think?" Riley questions, looking up from the circles that she is diligently filling in.

"I like it," he shrugged, sinking down into the seat across from them, "You're not waiting until the last day of break to cram all of the homework in like the rest of us?"

"This isn't homework," Riley corrects him, going back to her worksheet.

"We're getting to know ourselves," Maya explained, "Do you think that I'm the kind of person that would run into a burning building to save a child?"

"Honestly?" Zay asks.

"Never mind, what are you doing here?" Maya changes the subject, not entirely sure that she wants to hear his completely honest answer.

"I'm supposed to be meeting Lucas and Farkle," Zay admitted, "We were going to get something to eat and then go catch a movie. You could come with us if you wanted to."

"We're on a cleanse," Riley informed him, not looking up, though she tensed at the sound of Lucas's name.

"I tried one of those once, had me eating seaweed or flaxseed or something. It tasted nasty, I only made it a day," he offered.

"Why would you even try that?" Maya felt the need to ask, looking at him in confusion.

"You think that girls are the only ones who worry about the aging process. I intend to age with grace," Zay replied, straightening his posture.

"We made oatmeal and egg white face masks last night," Riley informed him, giving up on her quiz and leaning back in her seat.

"I tried out the all-natural face treatments, but I'm just not sure that they give me the same quality as the high end stuff. I've been using a Dead Sea Mud Mask and my skin has never been more radiant," Zay gestured to his face and Maya raised an eyebrow.

"Ladies," Farkle entered through the front door, stopping beside them, "What are we talking about?"

"Face masks," Maya offered, dryly.

"Funny you should mention that, I'm thinking Phantom of the Opera for Halloween," Farkle suggested, taking the seat beside Zay.

"You're going to dress up?" Maya questioned.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you'll be in college, doing adult things," Maya replied.

"I'm pretty sure that the level of adult things that he does would depend on where he's going for school next year," Riley pointed out.

"I've decided on Harvard," Farkle admitted, his voice going quiet.

"The Harvard that's four hours away from NYU?" Riley clarified.

"I'm not aware of any other Harvard's," Farkle replied and Maya shot a questioning look at Zay who shrugged.

"I've been accepted into the CIA," Zay offered in an attempt to disband the tension that had suddenly settled over them.

"Who in their right mind would trust you with classified information?" Farkle questioned, immediately embracing the new topic.

"It's the Culinary Institute of America," Zay clarified, shooting a glare at the genius.

"Congratulations! You're going to be amazing," Riley assured him, a smile spreading across her face.

"Sorry, I'm late," a new voice joined them and Maya turned to see Lucas pausing next to the group.

"We were just talking about the future," Zay shrugged.

"You cut your hair," Lucas commented, looking at Riley in shock.

Riley stared intently at the table and Maya rolled her eyes before covering for her, "We already covered that and, now, we have to be off, these questionnaires won't grade themselves."

"Questionnaires?" Farkle looked at the papers with interest.

"We're getting to know ourselves," Maya replied, gathering the papers and gesturing for Riley to head for the door.

The two made their way down the street in silence before Riley decided to break it.

"Thanks."

"I'd hate for us to ruin our cleanse on the second day. So, is it my turn to pick an activity?"

"I thought we were going to get the results of our tests," Riley said, holding the papers closer to her chest.

"This is way too much like school, Riles. If you want to know more about your life, you have to seek out a professional," Maya informed her, leading Riley down the steps to the Subway.

"A professional?" Riley questioned, looking uncertain, but following anyway.

Maya and Riley came to a stop in front of a store with a flickering neon light and Riley turned to Maya incredulously.

"You're taking us to see a fortune teller?"

"Madam Espinosa is supposed to be brilliant," Maya offered.

"My tests are rooted in science and fact," Riley pointed out.

"And Madam Espinosa is rooted in the supernatural, don't you think we should cover all of our bases? You're the one who's always telling me to believe in things."

"What if she tells us something bad?" Riley questioned, looking uncertainly at the symbols drawn over the door.

"Well, there's one way to find out, isn't there?" Maya replied, grabbing Riley's arm and dragging her through the door.

The lighting is dim and Maya can make out the Christmas lights that have been hung across the ceiling. They give just enough of a glow that the two girls avoid running into any large pieces of furniture or walls.

"I thought you'd be here sooner," a voice informed them, pulling open a curtain and coming into view.

"Public transportation is just so unreliable," Maya offered, as Riley clutched her arm tighter.

"You knew we were coming?" Riley questioned.

"I had a feeling. Which one of you wants to go first?" the woman asked, looking between the two of them.

"We can't go together?" Riley pressed, her eyes darting around the room.

"It can throw off the vibrations," Madam Espinosa informed them.

"I'll go," Maya shrugged, taking a step towards the curtain.

"Maya, I have a bad feeling about this," Riley said, pulling her back.

"Relax, Riles. We're just doing this for fun," Maya assured her, pulling away and following the woman into the back room.

"Take a seat and put your money in the bowl," Madam Espinosa instructed her, taking a seat on a large cushion at the other side of the table. This room was slightly better lit with scarves that covered lamps sitting on bookshelves and tables. It looked like the kind of place that might make a great antique shop if telling the future ever didn't work out.

Maya pulled out the money and set it into the jar, sinking onto the cushion on the opposite side.

"Give me your hand," the woman said, holding out her hands across the table.

Maya pulled her hand out of her lap and stretched across the table, watching as the woman traced several of the lines in her hand and her eyes paused on the tattoo on Maya's wrist.

"You have a gift with art," the woman offered, her long, acrylic, nails tracing along Maya's palm, "And addictive tendencies."

"I already knew that," Maya pointed out, feeling the need to be critical, even though she had been the one to drag Riley there.

"You have unresolved issues in your past that will need to be resolved before you can truly move forward. Secrets surround you, but they will one day come into the light."

"I don't suppose you have anything a little more specific?" Maya asked, a chill going through her as she thought of everything that those sentences could mean.

"You will have a relationship with the wrong man and it will come close to costing you everything. You'll know true love and happiness, but death will continuously seek you out. You should prepare to die early," she finished, closing Maya's hand and dropping it.

"Do you get a lot of repeat business?" Maya felt the need to ask, trying to shrug off the fortune of doom and gloom.

"You can send your friend back," Madam Espinosa instructed and Maya slowly got up and left the curtained area.

"You were right, it was a stupid idea and we should just go," Maya informed Riley, worried that her best friend would take the fortunes too seriously.

"No, I've been thinking and you're right. We should be looking to know ourselves from every perspective," Riley argued, standing up and squaring her shoulders.

"Yeah, but she doesn't really know us, Riles. You can't take what she says too seriously," Maya insisted.

"I'll be fine," Riley assured her, darting behind the curtain.

Maya sunk down in an armchair and sorted through the stacks of paper that they had been carrying around with them. There was a part of her that wanted to eavesdrop at the curtain, but she figured that she'd get Riley to tell her what was going on eventually.

When Riley emerged, Maya couldn't tell if she was paler then usual or if it was just the lighting.

"You okay?" Maya asked, following Riley out into the street.

"She told me that I'll find myself when I feel the most lost and that I've already met my soulmate," Riley replied, looking thoughtfully at the sidewalk in front of them.

"How much did you tip her?"

 **Fun fact, I developed the boy detox in high school. It had twelve steps and was pretty effective, except for my best friend and I kept breaking our own rules. Anyway, I needed a break from the angst, so this chapter is a little lighter. Things will get heavier as we continue to approach graduation. Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing! And a special thanks to the guest reviewers, who I can't send a response to.**

 **I would love to hear your thoughts on this chapter!**


	18. Paradise Circus

"Get up, Maya," Riley insists and Maya's eyes snap open. She would give anything for a couple more minutes of sleep, but Riley's already dressed in work out gear and jogging in place.

"I thought you were joking about the running," Maya admitted, sitting up and looking at the light that was slowly filtering through her window.

"It's a beautiful morning, the birds are singing, and we're going to be a part of it," Riley enthused, narrowly avoiding tripping over her rug and pausing in her jogging.

"You hate running, I hate running," Maya felt the need to remind her.

"It will make us feel better," Riley promised.

"Fine," Maya agreed, kicking her way out of the sheets that she's tangled in and grabbing a set of clothes out of her bag.

She pulls her hair into a high ponytail and she can't help thinking that the distractions are really just covering up her pain. Whatever crazy things Riley comes up with, always leaves her with this hollow aftertaste that she's not sure she will ever get out of her mouth.

The other problem is that there's still a part of her that's waiting for Josh to realize that the entire thing was a mistake and come back. The idea of things ending outside of Riley's home, or him insisting that she needed time to find herself and that he was holding her back, just seemed like things to say. The longer away they get from the break up, the less real it seems.

They make it several blocks before Riley trips over air and manages to face-plant it in the street. Maya's pretty sure that Riley will live, but there's no doubt that their morning runs are over for a while.

"Maybe we should have tried a safer sport, like water aerobics," Maya suggested, as Riley leaned heavily on her shoulder, while they attempted to make their way up the stairs.

"Sidewalks just don't like me, why don't they like me, Maya?" Riley questioned, wincing as they navigated another step.

"You're going to be fine, we'll get you some ice and you can share sprain stories with Farkle," Maya suggested.

"Can we sit down for a minute?" Riley requested and Maya helped ease her onto a stair before sinking down herself.

"Do you think that all of this is helping?" Maya questioned, gesturing around her, "Do you feel any closer to moving on from Lucas?"

"There's a part of me that's been hanging onto the idea that someday things between Lucas and me will work out and we'll be able to try again, but I've realized this last week that I can't keep waiting for him. I love him, but the two of us just weren't meant to be and this past week has given me hope that I can have a complete life without him. I want a life without him, I want to be able to fall in love with someone else," Riley said, staring intently at the knee of her shorts.

"What if I don't?" Maya asked and Riley looked up, "Josh is incredibly stupid and he's rejected me more times than I can count, but what if none of that matters? What if I don't ever want to love someone else?"

"Then maybe you stop trying to move on, maybe you let yourself keep growing, and you hope that someday the timing will be right," Riley suggested.

Maya gets where Riley is coming from, but Maya's sick of waiting and trusting that things are just going to work out. She's sick of the universe getting to dictate what's right and wrong in her life. Timing is a ridiculous excuse and Maya's all too aware of how little time she might have.

That's how she finds herself ditching a bed-bound Riley, who was pretty involved in a _Parks and Recreation_ marathon, and standing outside of Josh's apartment. The courage that comes almost entirely from frustration, leads her to reaching out and knocking, but she can feel her heart hammering within her chest.

"Hi," a guy greets her, opening the door. She had never actually met Josh's roommate; she wasn't even entirely sure that he actually existed, but she forced herself not to let him throw her off.

"I'm looking for Josh," Maya admitted, squaring her shoulder and trying to make her height seem more impressive than it actually is.

"Are you the new ex-girlfriend?" he questioned.

"Something like that, is he here?" Maya pressed, trying not to get distracted from the speech she had been composing in her head the entire ride over.

"I'm not actually sure, you want to come in for a minute," he suggested, opening the door and moving back through the apartment.

Maya reluctantly closed the door behind herself and watched as he knocked on Josh's door before shoving it open, "His bed's made."

"Isn't the entire point of having a roommate, so that someone will be able to report it if you go missing?" Maya questioned, sinking down on the couch.

"We just both pay the rent," he shrugged, "He might have left me a text, let me check."

The roommate disappeared into his own room and Maya found herself looking around the space. It hadn't changed much since the last time that she had been there, although there was a fist-shaped hole in the wall.

"He's gone home for the weekend, something about his father being sick," the roommate informed her, reentering the room.

"Thanks, I guess I'll just call him," Maya said, standing up to head for the door.

"You're different from his last girlfriend, not anything like I imagined you," he informed her.

"What?"

"Bethany practically lived here for a while, so I got to know her moderately well. We'd go on double dates all the time and we all just kind of hung out together. She threw a complete fit when she found out that Josh had donated a kidney to some random girl that was a family friend. Then, he started dating you and completely disappeared from all of our friends. We had a bet pool going that you were a CIA operative or one of his teachers, none of us guessed you were way younger then him."

"I'm about to graduate," Maya corrected him, feeling uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

"For whatever it counts, I think he misses you," the roommate offered.

"I miss him, too."

* * *

Her mother seems different when she gets back; happier. Shawn and Katy walk into the Mathews' home holding hands and Maya can't help thinking that her mother seems to glow with joy. Shawn meets Maya's gaze and she gets the feeling that an uncomfortable conversation is coming. Cory had been willing to spend the week ignoring that anything had happened, but she gets the feeling that Shawn won't be as lenient.

"Maya," Katy pulled her into a hug, "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Mom," Maya assured her.

"How was Europe?" Topanga questioned, looking up from the paperwork that she had been going over at the kitchen table.

"It was amazing; we saw the Eiffel Tower and Versailles," Katy listed, her eyes taking a distant look, "You would have loved it, Maya."

"We'll have to take her with us next time," Shawn suggested.

"How were things here?" Katy pressed.

"The girls have kept busy," Topanga assured her.

"Your hair looks wonderful," Katy complimented Riley and a smile spread across Riley's face. She was currently sprawled across the couch with her leg elevated.

"Thank you."

"Well, I hate to cut things short, but we should head out. Where's Cory?" Shawn asked.

"He and Auggie went to spend a few days in Philadelphia, his dad's been a little under the weather and he wanted to help out," Topanga informed him.

"You'll let me know if there's anything that I can do to help," Shawn insisted.

"Of course, we'll see you guys later?" Topanga replied.

* * *

Maya half-listens to her mother talks about Europe on the way home. Shawn's gotten incredibly quiet and the tension between them is a heavy smog that keeps her from being able to take a deep breath.

"Will you wait a second?" Katy asks; when Maya moves to go towards her room as soon as they're back in their apartment.

"That doesn't sound good," Maya felt the need to point out; sinking down on the couch and watching as Katy took Shawn's hand for support.

"I know we haven't talked a lot about what was going to happen after we got married," Katy began, "But, Shawn and I have been talking and there are some things that need to change."

"Things like what?" Maya pressed, looking between the two of them.

"We're thinking about moving, finding a place that can be ours as a family," Katy explained and Maya sank back against the cushions as she thought through what her mother was saying. Maya had grown up in the apartment and she was attached to it, but she would be leaving in a couple of months anyway. On the list of things that they could be discussing right now, this one is pretty low.

"Is that it?" Maya asked, filing the feelings away to be analyzed later.

"You're not upset?" Katy clarified, looking at her in surprise.

"Why would I be? I'll be moving into a dorm with Riley in the fall, anyway," Maya reminded her.

"We just want you to know that you'll always have a place with us. You'll have a room in wherever we decide to live and a place to come home to," Shawn spoke up.

"I appreciate that," she glanced down at her knees; waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop.

"I was going to get started on unpacking, but I want to go through the pictures with you, later, and we brought you back some presents," Katy moved on to a new topic and Katy glanced over at Shawn in confusion, before deciding not to question a good thing.

"That sounds really nice," Maya assured her, standing up to go to her room.

She moved just slowly enough that she could watch her mother move into the kitchen and start sorting through the stack of mail on the counter. And, then, she picks up her pace, hoping that she can get a door between her and Shawn.

She's barely made it through the door, when she turns to find him hovering in the doorway. His face is pinched, like he's in pain, and he doesn't seem able to meet her gaze.

"We need to talk," Shawn informed her, his voice lowered to prevent her mother from overhearing.

"About the fact that you told my boyfriend to break up with me?" Maya questioned; folding her arms across her chest.

"I didn't say anything to your mother because I wasn't sure what to say, but we need to talk about this," Shawn insisted.

"Look, I'm happy that you married my mother, but you've spent the last however many of years of my life playing father whenever you feel like it and disappearing when you don't. I love Josh. Josh wasn't half a boyfriend, he was everything, and now he's gone. I appreciate that you care about me and I appreciate that you're taking such good care of my mother, but right now I don't have anything to say to you."

"Maya," he sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"You should go unpack," Maya suggested, already turning her back on him.

* * *

She's not sure how long she's spent staring at a blank notebook page, while Lucas sits next to her with his homework fanned out around him. She'd dropped Riley off at home after school, since Riley was still recovering from her injury. But, hadn't been able to bring herself to stay and deal with another afternoon of pretending that they were getting anywhere closer to being okay.

She hadn't expected Lucas to show up at _Topanga's,_ but they'd somehow ended up seated at a table together working on homework and avoiding their feelings. It was different from pretending, but she's not sure that either coping mechanism is very effective.

"You think Riley's acting weird?" Lucas set his textbook aside; giving up all pretense of working.

"Any weirder than normal?" Maya pointed out, raising an eyebrow and looking at him over her notebook.

"She cut her hair," Lucas offered, "And she's wearing all of these new clothes."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Are you going to answer any of my questions?" Lucas returned, his eyes meeting hers in a challenge.

It feels like a betrayal to explain anything about the boy detox, so she settles for something vague, though true, "We're almost done with high school and everything is about to change. Riley's just getting ahead of the curve."

"And it doesn't upset you that she's changing?" Lucas pressed.

"Not if it makes her happy," Lucas nods once and reopens his textbook, flipping through pages, until he finds the right one.

Maya knows that she should just let it go, but there's something in her that just can't, "Does it bother you that she cut her hair?"

"It bothers me that she's changing and that I'm not apart of it," Lucas admitted, "But you're right, she deserves to be happy."

She doesn't try to break the silence that settles over them again and turns her attention back to the blank page.

It had been one of the many lessons that Mathews' had taught them; people change people, people grow, sometimes they outgrow each other. She blames herself for many of the recent cracks in their relationship with Riley, but Lucas and Riley's foundation had started to crumble long before that. He'd changed to fit in, while he was in high school. He'd loosened the standards that Riley had thought they'd shared and those fundamental differences had put them on different paths.

There hadn't just been one moment that tore them apart, there had been a million of them. And, they hadn't even seen it coming.

"I'm going to the bathroom," Maya stood up, dropping her things onto her seat, before making her way through the booths towards the back of the bakery.

She closes the bathroom door and pushes in the lock; turning to face herself in the mirror.

She's not ready to let Josh go, she's not ready to stop fighting. Maybe, she doesn't deserve the relationship, but that isn't going to stop her from fighting for it with everything that she has.

She pulls up his number and presses the phone to her ear, her heart racing with each ring. She tries not to feel disappointed when it goes straight to his answering machine.

"Josh, it's Maya. I know that you're not here, that you're helping your Dad. I don't want to put any more pressure or stress on you, but I just want you to know that I miss you. I don't know if your feelings were real, I don't know if they were some misinterpreted guilt, but if there's any chance that you feel the same way about me that I feel about you, then, please, call me back. I'm not going back to drugs or to drinking and I know who I am, I know that I can live without you, but I don't want to. Maybe the timing of us getting together wasn't great, but I don't believe in timing. Life's short, Josh, and when we find someone who makes it beautiful, who gives life meaning and depth, we can't let go of that. I guess I'll talk to you later. I hope that things are going well there."

"Everything okay?" Lucas questions, as she shoves the phone in her pocket and returns to the table that they're sitting at.

"I called Josh," Maya admitted, grabbing her things, before sinking into her seat.

"And?"

"He didn't pick up," Maya sighed.

"I'm sorry," Lucas offered and she could hear the empathy in his voice. She wonders when he had tried to call Riley, but knows better than to ask.

"We're supposed to be taking a break from boys; getting to know ourselves," she throws him a bone.

"Oh," Lucas offered, staring intently at the paper he had been taking notes on.

"I'm sorry," she repeated his earlier sentiment and he nodded once, "You want to talk about something else?"

"My mother has us doing a mother/son meditation class," Lucas informed her and Maya choked on her laugh.

"I didn't know they had Mommy-and-Me Meditation for high school seniors," Maya snorted, between gasps of air.

"It's supposed to be like therapy, but the neighbors see it as socially acceptable, which is incredibly important for my father's campaign," Lucas replied.

"Is it helping?" Maya asked, trying to decide if he looked any calmer.

"She seems better," Lucas said, "But not normal better, more like she's just doing a better job of burying everything."

"I went to see a fortune teller last week," Maya informed him.

"What did they say?"

"She told me that I'm dying," Maya admitted.

"You don't actually believe her?" Lucas questioned, shifting his homework aside to look at her.

"The littlest things could put me into organ failure. I'm never going to be able to get pregnant, which is weird because I never even thought about it, until I knew that it was something that would kill me. And I'm on all of these medications and I feel like my doctor is just waiting for something to go wrong with me."

"You can't live your life in fear that everything is going to fall apart," Lucas said, gently.

"Why not? It's been working out pretty great for me, so far," Maya pointed out, trying not to let him see the vulnerability under the words.

"A couple of years ago, I might have actually believed that you meant that," he folded his paper into his textbook and shoved it back into his bag.

* * *

"Peaches, we need to talk," Riley said, getting up from her bed to close the door as Maya pulled herself through the bay window.

She'd stared her journey in the direction of her own apartment, but, somehow, found herself climbing Riley's fire escape, instead. Her conversation with Lucas is still echoing in her mind and she knows that she has to do everything that she can to try and fix her own part in this. None of them are going to get any peace, until she does.

"That does not sound like a good thing," Maya sighed, sitting down and leaning back in the cushions.

"My Dad's home," Riley informed her, sitting down across from Maya. Maya felt her heart rate pick up as she realized the number of things that Riley's father could have told Riley, "And he said that Josh ran into Bethany while he was there."

"What do you mean?" Maya closed her eyes, thinking of the unanswered voicemail.

"He said that they hung out a couple of times, but he's not sure if they got back together," Riley explained.

"Oh," Maya offered, a dead feeling settling where her heart was supposed to be.

"It could mean nothing," Riley insisted, "I don't even know why they broke up."

A silence settles between them as Maya processes through the words and struggles to contain her feelings. She'll let herself break down over them, later, but she'd come to do the right thing for Riley.

"Look, Riley, there's something that I need to tell you about Lucas," Maya started, "That's actually why I came over here."

"I'm on a cleanse, Maya."

"I know that you're on a cleanse, but I, also, know that Lucas loves you. He's a jerk, who doesn't deserve you, who's made a million mistakes the last couple of years that have torn the two of you apart, but he's never stopped loving you."

"How could you possibly know that?" Riley questioned, tears filling her eyes.

"Because I know him and all I want is for you to be happy. If you think that Lucas could make you happy, then you need to talk to him."

"If he loved me, then he would have told me, he would have told me when his brother was dying. But he didn't, Maya, and it was you that he turned to at his brother's funeral. I am never going to forgive him for that."

* * *

"Hey, Baby, what do you want to do for dinner?" Katy questioned, as she made her way through the door and set her backpack onto the couch, "Shawn's out taking pictures and, then, he's got something with Cory, so it's just you and me."

"I'm not hungry," Maya admitted, struggling to keep her breathing even and hold it together until she made it to her room.

"Okay, maybe we could put in a movie and have a girls night? It's been awhile since we've gotten to spend any time together."

"I'm really tired and I have a ton of homework to do," Maya sighed, hating the look that spread across her mother's face.

"Another time, then," Katy turned back the counter that she had been scrubbing.

Maya found the energy to walk the remaining steps to her bedroom and collapsed face-first onto her bed.

Positive scenarios had never come easy to her and it's all too easy for her to imagine Bethany and Josh falling back into things like she'd never existed. Images of them kissing, his hand twined with hers, them laughing together, burn their way into her mind and she falls asleep with silent tears running down her face.

* * *

"I am running so late," Maya complained, as she shoved shoes on her feet and grabbed her cell phone off of the coffee table.

They had finally reached the week before graduation and Riley was throwing a huge party with people from their class. Maya was kind of beyond the partying scene, but she'd agreed to go for Riley and she was pretty sure that Cory and Topanga would keep things from getting out of hand.

"I think that Riley will forgive you," Katy offered, looking up from the box that she was packing. They had yet to find a new place to live, but Katy insisted that she was getting a head start. And, feeling guilty for brushing her mother off earlier, Maya had gotten herself pulled into an entire day of helping her.

"Probably," Maya conceded, "I'll see you later tonight?"

"Shawn and I are going to catch a movie and we might be late, but I'll have my phone," Katy promised.

"I love you, Mom," Maya called, closing the door and heading out.

Maya's phone started to ring as she made her way towards the Subway and she pulled it out of her pocket and answered, "Hey."

"Are you on your way?" Riley questioned, her voice sounding frantic.

"Yes, what's wrong?"

"I left some of the food at _Topanga's_ can you stop and pick it up?" Riley asked.

"I will grab it," Maya assured her.

"Good, more people showed up then I was planning on," Riley admitted.

"Just turn on some music and I'll be there in a minute. Don't let Farkle dance," Maya added as an afterthought.

"I won't," the phone went dead and Maya shoved hers back in her pocket.

"Are you Maya Hart?" someone asked, hesitantly, as Maya waited for the Subway.

"Depends on who's asking," Maya returned, turning and pausing as she took in the girl in front of her. The long, blonde hair, the blue eyes. It was almost like looking into a mirror.

"I'm Olivia Barlow, I'm your sister."

* * *

Music drifted through the Mathew's living room as Maya, blankly, made her way through the throngs of people. She could barely pick out faces, although she was vaguely aware of who some of the gathered people were. She hadn't been aware that Riley had even known this many people, but the place was packed.

"Maya," Zay greeted her, grabbing onto her arm.

"Have you seen Riley?" Maya questioned, her eyes searching through the huddled groups of teenagers.

"Earlier, but there's a lot of people here," Zay replied, looking her over, "Are you okay?"

"Fine, I'm fine. Where did Riley even find all of these people?" Maya asked, forcing a smile. Her minds a million miles away and all she knows is that she needs to find Riley.

"She left a pretty open invitation. People were bound to show up just for the free food," Zay pointed out.

"Right," Maya agreed, her eyes still scanning faces.

"Are you sure you're okay? You look really pale," Zay informed her.

"I'm fine, I just need to find Riley," Maya repeated, moving passed him before she had even finished her sentence.

She heads towards Riley's room; one hand trailing along the wall to keep herself upright, but pauses in front of the door as she hears raised voices. Through the partially open door she can see Farkle pacing the floor, as Riley sits on the bed looking at him helplessly.

"You knew that NYU wasn't an option for me," Farkle insisted.

"I knew that, but I didn't think that you were going to be so far away," Riley replied, "I don't want to hold you back, but I'm going to miss you."

"Not that much is going to change. We'll talk on the phone all the time and I'll come back for holidays. It'll still be you and me, Riles," Farkle promised.

"What are you doing?" a voice whispers behind her and Maya jumps, spinning around to face the intruder.

"I'm eavesdropping," Maya replied shamelessly.

"On what?" Lucas looked around her, pausing when he takes sight of the conversation that's taking place.

"You're the person in my life that keeps me sane. I wouldn't have gotten through my break up with Lucas if I hadn't had you, or through Maya's drug overdose. I just, I love you, Farkle."

The words settle and Maya forces herself to move, having to nearly run to try and keep up with Lucas's retreating form.

"She meant it as a friend," Maya insisted, grabbing Lucas's arm as he headed for the door leading out of Riley's apartment.

"You don't know that," Lucas disagreed, "And I don't have any right to stop her if she wants to be with Farkle."

"Look at me," Maya demanded, glaring at him, as he reluctantly turned to face her, "You told me that if you love someone, you go against everything else. You fight for that."

"You of all people should know that it's not that easy."

"What happened with Josh was different," Maya insisted, dropping his arm.

"How?"

"Everything was stacked against us, his family and my family, and our ages. The only thing that's stuck between you and Riley is you," Maya replied.

"You think that I don't know that?" Lucas questioned before turning and leaving through the front door.

* * *

The bodies press against her and she can't keep track of the meaningless conversations that she's having. She still hasn't seen Riley or Farkle come out from the bedroom and her head is spinning after everything that's happened that night.

Maya needs air and finds herself pulling open the door. She makes her way up the stairs to the roof, surprised when she sees Lucas standing at the edge. She'd expected him to head straight home.

"What are you doing?" Maya sighed, leaning on the railing next to him.

"I'm meditating," he replied, glancing at her with a look that said he was waiting for her to make fun of him.

"Does it work? I've tried a boy cleanse that ended in me putting my heart out on the line, only to get nothing in return. I've gone to a fortune teller who told me that I was dying. So, if finding peace is as easy as taking up meditation, I'll do it," Maya said, closing her eyes.

"I can't ever make myself stop thinking," Lucas admitted.

"What were you thinking when you told Zay that I was the blonde beauty?" Maya questioned, thinking of the sister that could almost be her twin.

"When I first saw you, I saw someone who was confidant and sure of herself. You just seemed so completely untouchable; wild, reckless. The truth is that Zay was fascinated with you, he'd ask me to tell him stories about you and so I would."

"Riley wasn't an afterthought," Maya realized, surprised at how the new knowledge threw everything into a different light.

"Not for me," Lucas replied.

"Did I ever have a chance?" Maya found herself asking, "I mean, Farkle's become best friends with Riley and Zay's dated or tried to date everyone other than me, and Josh is back with Bethany. Is real life me, just not as good as the fantasy?"

"It's not like that," Lucas insisted, turning to look at her.

"I hate that title that you gave me, I am more than just blonde, and I'm more than beautiful. I have been torn apart time and time again and somehow managed to put myself back together. I'm strong and I'm resilient," Maya trailed off as she ran out of adjectives.

"I know that, Maya, I know you now. That was a superficial first impression," Lucas took advantage of the break in her monologue.

"I'm just so tired of not being wanted," Maya sighed, looking up as she tried to blink away tears.

Lucas suddenly stepped forward, taking her face in his hands and she looked at him in surprise. They'd been here before, but this time, he crossed the space between them pressing his lips to hers.

It reminds her of the time that she stood next to Lucas at Nick's funeral. She'd been close enough to the fire that the heat was uncomfortable, but not uncomfortable enough to move. Kissing Lucas isn't anything like kissing Josh and there's something wrong in the entire action, but for some reason, she just can't pull away.

* * *

 **As of July 26, 2017 this chapter has been edited and revised.**


	19. Slipping

Maya stared at the ceiling, her eyes tracing the bumps and curves. She could see the slivers of city lights flickering through her curtains and she found herself shifting onto her side as she struggled to find a position that she was comfortable in.

She knew all of the signs of a relapse, she'd heard them over and over again in her NA meetings. She'd heard about the reminiscing on days gone past; the getting caught up in how easy the drug use was. She missed the high, the glowing, and she'd give anything to forget the past few weeks.

Then came giving up the identity you had created without your addiction. She'd stopped turning to art, every time she tried to focus on an emotion she found herself remembering her multitude of sins. She found herself thinking of all the secrets that had started to pile up and the way her life was just waiting to combust into millions of tiny pieces. None of it gave her the passion to put any medium to canvas.

She was slowly slipping and she knew that it was a matter of time before she fell.

* * *

"Hi," Maya said, pausing in front of the secluded table.

"I have to admit that I didn't think you were going to show," her companion replied, looking up from the crossword puzzle that she had been working on. Maya found herself noting that she was doing it in ink.

"It's not every day that your long, lost sister corners you," Maya pointed out, slipping into the booth across from Olivia.

The day that they had met, Maya had been too shocked and distracted to pick out details, but now she can't stop seeing them. She can pick out the brunette highlights and lowlights that have been weaved through Olivia's long hair and the French manicure that adorns the teen's fingers. Olivia's twisted her hair into a complicated twist at the back of her neck that Maya wouldn't have even thought to put her hair into and her clothes look like they have complicated designer names that Maya couldn't even pronounce. Sitting across from her makes Maya feel like a cheap, knock-off.

"Maybe not my best tactic, but you're a difficult person to find, Maya Hart," Olivia informed her, setting the newspaper aside.

"That might be because I'm not supposed to exist," Maya offered, her hands straightening the blue shirt that she'd picked up at the thrift store during her cleanse.

"How old are you?" Olivia questioned, shifting in her seat, as her eyes scanned Maya. Maya can't tell what judgments her sister is making, but she feels uncomfortable under the scrutiny.

"I'm eighteen, what about you?" Maya returned, thinking that she looked a lot older then the little girl that she had seen in the park all of those years ago.

"I'm sixteen," Olivia replied, straightening her shoulders.

The air that Maya had been breathing got caught in her throat and she found herself coughing as she struggled to process what Olivia was telling her.

"I was six when my father left," Maya found herself saying, as she did the math in her head, "I was seven when he got divorced from my mom."

"My mother didn't tell my father, our father, that I existed for a long time. He didn't become a part of my life until I was five," Olivia explained.

"And you didn't know that my mother and I were out there, that he had an entire other life that he walked away from?" Maya pressed, trying to wrap her mind around the new information.

"Not until he asked me for a kidney," Olivia replied, flatly, "I guess drug addiction and alcoholism run in the family."

"And how exactly did you find me?" Maya forced herself not to react and Olivia reached into the leather bag next to her to pull out a bundle of letters, sliding them across the table.

"When I found out that my father was lying about things, I started doing some digging. My father has an entire drawer of unsent letters," Olivia explained and Maya found herself studying the envelopes. They were all addressed to her, "He may have left you, but I get the feeling that it wasn't without looking back."

"He never sent any of these, he never paid child-support, he clearly cheated on my mother while they were still married, so I'm not sure what you expect me to do with this," Maya spat, her finger tracing the tattoo on her wrist under the table as she looked for something to keep her grounded.

"I don't know, either. My life has completely changed and I thought that if there was one person who could answer the questions that I have, that could relate to my situation, it might be you," Olivia admitted, staring intently at the table.

"I don't remember a lot about Kermit. He was drunk most of my childhood and he spent a lot of time fighting with my mother. Whatever answers you're looking for, I don't have them," Maya said, standing up from the table.

"I, we, have a younger sister, Jennifer, she's twelve," Olivia informed her, "And we had a little brother, but he was born prematurely and he only lived a couple of weeks."

"Why are you here? Why are you telling me all of these things?"

"I'm sick of the lies and the half-truths, I thought it was time to have everything out in the open," Olivia replied, shifting uncomfortably in her seat.

"And is Kermit here, with you?" Maya questioned.

"I just got cast on Broadway, my whole family is living here."

"My mother just got remarried, she's finally happy and I can't throw this mess at her," Maya said, folding her arms across her chest.

"I'm not trying to make a mess of your family, I just, would you please takes these? I'm not asking you to forgive our father and I'm not asking for you to be my sister, but I can't bring myself to open something that was meant for you and I just want to know. I want to understand what happened, why all of this happened to us, I just want the truth" Olivia pleaded, holding out the stack of letters.

Maya's last letter from her father became a shredded mess in a painting, but this all feels different. Maya can count the number of letters she's received from her father on one hand, but these form a thick pile with different colors of ink and variations in the handwriting. They could span an entire lifetime and as she reaches out to take the pile of letters, she has a feeling that she's holding Pandora's box and anything that she learns from this point will just make everything worse.

* * *

Maya finds herself outside of Josh's apartment and for once she's not telling herself that she shouldn't be there. There was this numbness that had settled where her heart used to be, but she could feel the cracks that were slowly letting emotion through. She was headed straight for a break and she needed to see him, she needed to talk to him.

When no one responded to her knocking, she dialed his number and waited as it rang.

"Hello?" a female voice answered his phone.

"Is Josh there?" Maya questioned, trying to ignore the nausea that was stirring in her stomach.

"He's indisposed at the moment," the woman informed her.

"Who is it?" Josh's voice rang through the background of the call.

"One second," the voice said, coldly, to Maya before things became muffled.

Maya could hear shuffling in the background and the sound of a door opening before the woman began talking to someone on the other end, "It's _her_ , she wants to talk to you."

"Okay," Josh responded.

"Are you sure?" the woman questioned, sounding irritated.

"It's not a big deal, Beth. I'll be back in the bedroom in a minute," Josh promised, before Maya could pick up the sound of the phone trading hands, "Maya?"

She can hear her heart pounding in her ears and she counts out the heartbeats. She makes it to ten before he speaks again.

"Maya?" Josh repeats.

She ends the call and shoves the phone back into her pocket. She can feel the vibration as Josh attempts to call her back, but she's already moving down the stairs and out of the building. She's already forcing the emotions so deeply inside of her that she's sure that no one will ever be able to see them.

* * *

She's in her last three days of school and Maya heads in late, though she hadn't been planning on going that day at all. The teachers' have stopped talking roll, so Maya finds that most of the students are wandering the hallways and getting into trouble. It would be nice if one event in her life could feel semi-normal, but the weight on her shoulders just keeps getting heavier and all she really wants to do is clean out her locker and get out of the school.

"We need to talk," Lucas informed her, lowering his voice as he paused beside her locker.

"I don't think we need to," Maya disagreed, pulling pictures off of the metal door to shove into her bag.

"Maya, what happened," Lucas began, but Maya cut him off before he could continue.

"Was a mistake. I completely agree," Maya zipped up her bag, turning to dart down the hallway.

"Wait," Lucas grabbed her arm and she spun around to face him.

"You love Riley and I love Josh, one kiss doesn't change that."

"I didn't say that it did," Lucas countered, "I just want to make sure that we're okay."

"Of course we're not okay. Your brother died, your mother's a mess, you have almost as many daddy-issues as I do and I am completely miserable. My life is falling apart and my father is living in New York and I'm pathetic enough to keep leaning on you, of all people, so, no, we're not okay. Nothing is okay and all I want is to stop feeling like this, all I want is a drink," Maya leaned her head against the closed locker next to her, as she struggled to regain control of herself.

"Maya?" he asked, as tears filled her eyes.

"I can't do this, anymore. The lies just keep piling up, until I can't even keep them straight anymore, and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for lying to Riley, for lying to my mother, for lying to everyone. My entire life is founded on lies."

"We could come clean, tell the truth," Lucas suggested, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I don't even know what the truth is, anymore," Maya snapped, "All I know is that I am so incredibly mad and you're an easy target, so I need you to just leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving you," Lucas replied.

"I don't want you here, I don't want you in my life. You hurt my best friend, you took all of the good things that you had in your life and you ruined everything. You're just like me and I hate you for that," Maya informed him, wiping furiously at the tears running down her face, "I hate you."

"I hate me, too," Lucas agreed.

"You're not good enough for Riley, you were never good enough for Riley. She was right to leave you and I hope that she moves on with Farkle and never looks back," Maya offered, waiting for him to react.

"You think that you're telling me anything that I haven't told myself?"

"You're the angriest person that I know. You get into fights all the time, why won't you fight back?" Maya demanded, shoving against his chest, "Argue with me, fight with me."

"I don't have any fight left, Maya. This is all that's left of me," he said, spreading his arms apart, as she shoved against his chest again.

"I loved him and he left," Maya sobbed, her hands falling to her sides as she gave up, "I loved him and he cheated on my mother, he was an addict, he was an alcoholic, he tried to give me his daughter's kidney. And his daughter is beautiful, she does crossword puzzles in pen and she performs on Broadway, she's beautiful and perfect and I just want to hate him for that. I want to hate him for having a better daughter and I want to hate him for leaving, so why can't I hate him?"

"Because he's your father," Lucas replied, pulling her into his arms and letting Maya bury her head in his shoulder.

"I called Josh and Bethany answered, he's moved on and none of it was real, nothing that he felt for me was real," Maya admitted, needing to unload all of her feelings on someone.

"You don't know that. People do stupid things when they're hurting," Lucas attempted to comfort her, his hands rubbing circles on her back.

"I can't breathe," Maya gasped, her voice coming out around sobs, "I can't breathe."

"You're strong and you're resilient and you're going to get through this," Lucas reminded her, his voice a whisper in her hair.

* * *

Maya's never been a fan of change or of endings, but graduation is inevitable. She finds herself staring at the clothes in her closet, as she tries to decide what to wear. She's already got the red graduation robes and her hat laid out across the bed, but she'll be returning them directly after the ceremony and while she's not entirely sure what they'll be doing after, she knows that her friends plan on spending their last night before the rest of their lives together.

"How are you feeling?" Shawn asks, cautiously, pausing in her doorway.

"Tired," Maya replied, spinning around and planting her body between Shawn and the pile of letters that are spread out across her desk.

"You know, it's crazy, realizing that you're an adult now and you're allowed to go out and make your own mistakes and your own decisions. I had such a short time of being here for you and I just wish," he trailed off.

"Was that an apology?" Maya clarified, biting her lip.

"I should have talked to you before I talked to Josh, I should have done a lot of things differently," Shawn replied.

"I guess it doesn't matter now," Maya offered.

"Do you think that things will ever be okay between us?"

"Yeah, I do," Maya admitted.

* * *

The scene set out in front of her is oddly familiar and it feels like they might be doing a retake. Maybe Maya didn't get it right the first time around, so they were switching roles and trying it all over again.

"Going somewhere?" Maya questioned, her voice containing more emotion then she had intended to let through. Riley is folding clothing and placing it into her suitcase, her movements jerky and mechanical.

"I'm going to Philadelphia for the summer," Riley informed her, not looking up from her task, "I just need to get away."

It's a variation on the same script Maya had used last summer, but Riley's conveying all the right emotions. The desperate need to be anywhere but where she was at that moment and the emotional seclusion.

"You didn't tell me," Maya stuck to the script, though she has a sinking feeling that whatever prompted Riley fleeing was directly related to her, somehow.

"I don't have to tell you everything, Maya. It's not like you tell me everything," Riley returned, spinning around and nearly tripping over the bucket of Lucas's shoes that Riley had been collecting since middle school. The bucket hadn't made an appearance in a while and Maya found herself staring fixated at it.

"Are you taking those with you?"

"I'm returning them," Riley replied, flatly, pausing in her movements as she sunk down on the edge of the bed and rested her head in her hands, "We're graduating in three hours."

"I know," Maya agreed, unsure if she should cross the distance between them or stay seated in the bay window.

"This isn't how I thought that it would be," Riley admitted and Maya couldn't help silently agreeing, "It's never going to be the same, is it?"

Maya thought about the words and realized that Riley wasn't just talking about graduation. There was a part of her that had been hoping they would never have to voice the idea out loud that things between them were shifting. That Maya and Riley were growing and changing, that somehow they were losing each other in the process, as hard as they tried to hold on and go back.

"No, I guess not," Maya sighed, crossing her ankles and trying to think of anything that she could say that wouldn't just make everything worse.

"Can we just have tonight? Let's just pretend that everything is normal and it's you and me," Riley suggested, her eyes moving from the bucket of shoes that sat between them to Maya.

"Yeah, we can do that," Maya agreed, choking on the words.

"Whatever happens, I love you, Maya," Riley returned to their words from last summer, taking back on her original role because even when Riley was running away, she still cared about what she was leaving behind. If Maya could go back and do it all over, she would have picked Riley over Lucas and Josh and her million secrets. She should have picked her best friend.

"I love you, too, Riles. I'm sorry," Maya couldn't stop herself from saying.

"Me too," Riley replied, turning back to packing her suitcase, "Do you think that you could, maybe, take the shoes to Lucas? I'm not sure that I can do it."

Maya wants to say no, she wants to explain to Riley how much Lucas loves her and how badly this last action is going to go over, but before she can open her mouth they're interrupted.

"Happy graduation day."

"Uncle Josh," Riley turned around, her mood still muted, although Maya can tell that she's trying to go back to high-energy-Riley.

"Your mom wants you for family pictures," Josh explained, his eyes moving over to Maya.

"I just need to finish my hair," Riley admitted, brushing passed him on her way to what Maya assumed was the bathroom.

"You look gorgeous," Josh offered, his eyes moving from her to fixate on the ground.

She'd settled on a dark, blue dress that hit her at her knee and paired it with a pair of dark, brown boots that landed just under her knee. It wasn't overly dressy, but it was better than the jeans and leather jacket that had become her staple after rehab.

"Can we not do this?" Maya suggested, folding her arms across her body.

"I just," Josh started, but Maya cut him off before he could continue.

"You dumped me, you stopped answering my calls, you got back together with your ex-girlfriend. You decided to leave and you don't get to come back and pretend that we're still friends. We've never been friends, Josh, and we're not going to start now."

"Well, at least, I didn't make out with my best friend's boyfriend on her own rooftop," Josh offered and Maya stared at him incredulously.

"How could you possible know that?" was the question that came out of her mouth, despite the fact that she wanted to keep hurling accusations at him.

"Riley saw you, but you weren't really trying all that hard to hide it, were you? All of that insisting that there was nothing going on between you and the cowboy and it takes you all of what, fifteen minutes, to run straight back to him as soon as you're available?"

"That's rich coming from you," Maya returned, rolling her eyes, "I can't decide if you're more pathetic for going back to your doe-eyed, girl-next-door because you're so desperate for the approval of your family or if she's more pathetic for going back to a guy who fell in love and donated his kidney to a drug addict, while he was still with her."

"You'll let me know when you figure it out?" he asked, his voice going colder.

"I think we're done here."

* * *

Maya makes it through the rest of the evening on auto-pilot, picking up pieces of dialogue here and there. She helps Riley get into her graduation gown and the two of them take turns making sure that they've pinned their hats well enough that they're not going to go flying off in the middle of crossing the stage.

Maya's not sure when someone hit fast forward, but everything is happening too quickly. She's taking pictures with the Mathews' and with her mother and Shawn when they show up at Riley's house. Then, they're walking through the halls of the school and Maya knows that everything is about to be over.

"Your speech is fine," Riley tells Farkle as they approach him in the hallway. His hands are shaking and Maya finds it interesting that his speech is printed out on paper, instead of index cards.

"You shouldn't worry about it, you know that people only care about the Student Body President's speech and the Valedictorian," Maya offered and Farkle's eyes narrowed.

"You know that she cheated," Farkle insisted and Riley shot Maya a look as she wrapped her arm around Farkle.

"Of course she did, you're brilliant," Riley assured him, "And your speech is amazing."

"Hello, My Lover Turned Arch Nemesis," Smackle approached the group, her dark hair hanging in curls around her face.

"Smackle," Farkle greeted her, straightening his posture.

Maya mouthed, "Lover," to Riley, who shrugged. The couple's break up had been nuclear during their sophomore year and Smackle and Farkle had pretty much been reduced back to their middle school relationship. Farkle had refused to tell any of them what had happened, but Maya wouldn't be surprised if Riley knew something about why their relationship had come apart.

Either way, Farkle and Smackle had divided everything in a brilliant divorce agreement that left Farkle with the debate team and Smackle with the Academic Decathlon team. They'd tried dividing friends, too, but Riley had put an end to that portion of their agreement pretty fast.

"I just wanted to tell you that it's been a pleasure going through this journey with you and even though I did beat you out for Valedictorian, you have always been a worthy opponent," Smackle offered, holding out her hand for Farkle to shake.

"You're headed to Yale, aren't you?" Riley questioned, as Farkle reached out to shake her hand.

"Yes," Smackle replied.

"I guess our rivalry lives on," Farkle said and Smackle gave him a curt nod.

"I will see you at the podium," Smackle offered, moving down the hallway.

"We all might as well just turn the world over to them, now," Zay picked up the end of the conversation, coming to a stop next to them.

"Your hat's on backwards," Farkle informed him and Zay pulled it from his head to straighten it out.

"Has anyone seen Lucas?" Zay questioned, looking around the hallway.

Riley turned to look at Maya and Maya felt uncomfortable at the glance, "I haven't talked to him today."

"I saw him coming in, but we lost each other," Farkle replied.

"I guess we'll just see him after," Riley offered, leading them in the direction of where they were supposed to line up in alphabetical order. Maya doesn't mention that she knows Riley is leaving with her grandparent's directly after the ceremony.

Maya finds herself scanning through the familiar faces of her classmates and wondering how many of them she would see after today. She hadn't had a lot of friends and there were plenty of people that she never wanted to see, but there was a nostalgic part of her, too, that couldn't believe any of this was real.

She barely heard anything that was said at the ceremony, although she knew that Smackle's speech needed a translator and most of Farkle's jokes fell flat to everyone except for the science teachers that were seated on the stage. Too soon, she was walking across the stage and accepting the rolled up piece of paper as her family and friends applauded from the audience.

Everyone had started out being seated in alphabetical order, but Maya had managed to intimidate the kid sitting next to Riley into moving and stolen his seat. If she gets one more night of normalcy, she's going to make every second count.

"I think they made a mistake," Maya complained, as she unrolled the blank piece of paper, "This isn't my diploma."

"They're going to mail your real diploma to you," Riley informed her.

"Then what was the point of all of this?" Maya complained, refolding the paper and shifting in her seat.

"It's almost over, Peaches," Riley promised, patting her head as she stood up to move to the stage. Maya cheered enthusiastically as Riley made her way across the stage and it quickly turned to horror as Riley slipped on the pile of marbles that the principal was dropping as students handed them to him while crossing the stage. The principal reached out to help steady her, but instead lost his own balance and fell into the Vice-Principal who toppled to the floor along with everyone else.

"I'm fine," Riley was mouthing as she got up, her face turning a bright shade of red.

And despite everything that was going on between her and Riley, Maya couldn't help feeling a wave of relief that some things never changed.

"That's how I'm going to be remembered," Riley complained, as she sunk down next to Maya, "As the girl who tripped at graduation."

"At least it's over," Maya offered.

They were forced through more pictures after the ceremony ended before they were allowed to return their robes and hats and escape the herds of family members. Most of Riley's relatives had turned out and Maya had gotten the opportunity to meet Zay's younger sister and older brother, who she hadn't been aware even existed.

"Maya," Rebecca paused in front of her, Lucas following along behind her. Maya had seen Travis briefly, but he'd had to take a call and disappeared.

"It's good to see you, Mrs. Friar," Maya offered, trying to keep track of where Riley and her other friends had gone to in the crowd.

"I was hoping that I could get a picture of you and Lucas together," Rebecca admitted.

"Oh, sure," Maya trailed off, feeling uncomfortable.

Lucas hesitantly paused next to her, hesitating a second before he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her into his side. Maya's smile felt forced on her face and she was incredibly uncomfortable, as her eyes moved passed Riley and found Josh staring at them across the crowd.

* * *

 **As of July 26, 2017 this chapter has been revised.**


	20. Owner of a Lonely Hart

_**Part II:**_

 _May 2020_

 _Clothes are strewn across the room as Maya packs for the summer holidays. She's already stripped her bed of the sheets and her belongings have been shoved carelessly into duffel bags and her old beaten-up suitcase that she's pretty sure she inherited from her grandmother._

 _"What are you doing?" Riley questions, entering the room and folding her arms._

 _"I'm packing, we have to be out of here in two days," Maya reminded her, gesturing over to Riley's side of the room that was already devoid of most of Riley's things._

 _"That's not what I mean," Riley said, moving across the room and forcing Maya to look at her, "I just talked to Zay."_

 _"Okay?" Maya offered, setting aside the clothes and giving Riley all of her attention._

 _"He told me that you're dropping out," Riley informed her, a hysterical tone entering her voice, "You can't just drop out of school, Maya."_

 _"You've seen me this last year, did I look even remotely happy to you?" Maya asked, willing her to understand._

 _"Everyone struggles through their first year," Riley argued._

 _"This just isn't for me," Maya sighed, folding her arms, as she waited to see if Riley was going to explode._

 _"You're throwing your life away, you're throwing your future away," Riley's voice went quiet, as she looked helplessly at Maya._

 _"We always knew that our paths were going to take different directions. It just happened sooner then we planned on."_

 _"What's your mom going to say? What's Shawn going to say?" Riley reminded her._

 _"I'm an adult, now. They don't get a choice."_

 _"This is a mistake," Riley informed her, "You're going to regret this."_

 _"I have more regrets then I can count, Riles. I can live with one more," Maya ended the conversation, turning back to her folding. The sound of the door slamming as Riley left, bounced off the walls._

* * *

 **August 2019**

There's an inevitable moment that comes after the summer, the moment when school starts up again. Everyone buys their fresh school supplies and lays out their first-day outfits and has their last summer hurrah that will leave them with memories to cherish through the dark, long school year. But, then, inevitably, school starts, leaving summer behind.

"Miss Hart," a student calls and Maya pauses in the hallway of John Quincy Adams Middle School, turning around to face the student.

"You know I'm not actually a teacher, right?" Maya felt the need to ask, shifting the painting that she has clutched in her arms, "I just volunteered to help with the art class for the summer."

"I'm just not entirely sure what to call you," the girl admitted, looking uncomfortable under Maya's gaze.

"Try Maya."

"I just wanted to thank you, you taught me a lot," she offered.

"Just stay out of trouble," Maya suggested, smiling affectionately at the young girl who reminded her of Riley. She had the same dark hair and a body that she hadn't quite grown into, yet, but there was something about her enthusiasm that made people gravitate towards her. She sat in the front row for most of the course, "And keep practicing."

"I can do that," the girl agreed, waving before she darted down the hallway to join her group of friends. Maya couldn't help frowning as she watched the girl exchange an awkward and bashful greeting with a blonde boy, but Maya forced herself to shrug it off and continue on her way.

"How did it go?" Lucas questioned, from where he had been waiting for her on the front steps.

"It's just weird being back in the school, I get lost in the memories," Maya admitted, sinking down next to him.

"Things were simpler, weren't they?" Lucas sighed, something wistful in his gaze, as he glanced back at the school.

"Let's get out of here," Maya suggested, standing up.

"You want to go grab something to eat?" Lucas suggested, taking the painting from her with one hand and twining his fingers through hers with the other.

"Sure," Maya agreed, snatching her hand away and shoving it into her pocket.

He let the action go, but Maya could see the annoyance radiating off of him. She wasn't going to be his fill-in Riley and they'd argued about it enough times that he should be used to her insistence that whatever they were didn't come with public displays of affection.

"I thought we were going to give the relationship thing a try?" Lucas offered, falling into step beside her as they headed for the subway.

"I remember a conversation, in which, we agreed that we were going to stop discussing the making out that happens every time one of us has a bad day. Making out does not make a relationship," Maya corrected him, keeping her voice deliberately light.

"I'm not asking you to marry me, I'm asking you to stop acting like I'm the dirty secret you're hiding in the back of your closet," Lucas insisted, sinking down into a seat and waiting for Maya to situate herself next to him.

She paused as she searched his face (a mixture of desperation and annoyance) before leaning back. She'd seen the Facebook photos that Riley had been tagged in, her head buried in the shoulder of a boy that Maya had never met. She knew firsthand what it was like to watch the person you loved in a relationship with someone else, but she wasn't putting their _thing_ on display, so that Lucas could pretend that he was moving on.

"I have many dirty secrets," Maya replied, "And you happen to have nothing on them."

* * *

Maya pulled on her leather jacket, well aware that it wasn't appropriate for the weather, but not caring, anyway. Shawn and Katy were spending the weekend Upstate and Maya had opted to spend the last weekend in her apartment, before they moved the following week.

Maya snagged her house keys off of the counter and locked the door behind her as she headed out into the early evening. A text message buzzed in her pocket and Maya reluctantly pulled it out, pausing at the locked screen that was a picture of Riley and her. The two hadn't been good about staying in contact over the summer, but Maya hadn't really expected them to. It didn't stop her from missing her best friend.

"You look like you just found out someone died," Olivia informed her, falling into step beside her.

"And you look like a walking, 'Mug me,' sign," Maya returned, shoving the phone back into her pocket and ignoring the text message entirely.

"Jealous?" Olivia questioned, spinning around so that she was walking backwards in front of Maya.

"You want to give me a ballpark range of how much your outfit cost?" Maya asked, looking at her skeptically.

"You don't want to know, Hart," Olivia shrugged, returning to walking forward, "So, how'd you manage to ditch the boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend," Maya corrected her and Olivia gave her a deliberate eye roll.

"The friends with benefits thing gets old fast," Olivia informed her.

"I'm not looking for him to love me, I'm definitely not in love with him, but it's nice having someone," Maya admitted.

"It's stupid, sharing a boy with your best friend," Olivia offered.

"Riley was pretty insistent that she's over him and from her Facebook pictures, I'm pretty sure that she had a fling of her own this summer. We're all just trying to move on, find something that will get us through the day, sober in my case."

"That was deep," Olivia offered, pulling out a key as she let Maya into an apartment building.

"But kissing him is weird," Maya confessed.

"I want to fully pry what that sentence means, but now probably isn't the time," Olivia admitted, as they paused in front of a doorway.

"Shall we?" Maya suggested, gesturing forward.

"We shall," Olivia agreed, knocking on the door.

The door opened and both girls slipped inside.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Katy questioned, as Maya sat sprawled in the center of her room. Boxes were literally strewn everywhere, but Maya was still sketching out a map in a horizontal position on her floor.

"Last time I had a block, I drew inanimate objects, this time it's maps," Maya replied, rolling onto her back.

"You know that you're going to have to unpack some of these boxes, sometime," Katy pointed out, gesturing around the room that was a lot bigger then Maya's old one. Maya had painted the walls a mint green, saving one for a mural, whenever the inspiration struck her.

"I'm leaving next week, anyway," Maya reminded her.

"But I want you to have a place to come home to," Katy insisted, leaning against the edge of the doorway.

"I'm always going to come home, Mom," Maya promised, standing up and brushing the dust off of her torn and paint-splattered jeans. She wasn't sure what it was about moving that made everything dusty, but she let out a sneeze and made her way out of the bedroom, following her mother in the direction of the kitchen.

"We were thinking that we'd order pizza," Shawn suggested, from where he was sprawled out on the new couch that had been delivered earlier that morning. Cory and Josh had shown up to help with the moving process and Bethany had tagged along. Maya had been subjected to the running commentary of her mother and Topanga bonding with Josh's girlfriend for most of the morning, as they packed and moved boxes from one place to the next. Hence, her retreat to her room to try and avoid everyone involved.

"I have that party with Lucas tonight, his father's giving a speech and looking for donations," Maya informed the room, entering the kitchen for a glass of water.

"I thought you didn't want to go to that," Shawn raised his voice so that she could hear him from the other room.

"I don't, but he insists that he needs me," Maya replied, returning to the room with her water.

"It would be terrible to let everyone's favorite Texan down," Josh muttered and Bethany nuzzled into his side, looking annoyed at the comment.

"Most people prefer Zay," Maya returned, refusing to argue with him in front of their family.

"What time do you need to leave?" Katy cut into the conversation.

"Rebecca's helping me get ready, I actually should probably head out, now," Maya replied, checking the time on her phone.

"Text me updates," Katy insisted, pressing a kiss to Maya's forehead, as she retrieved Maya's glass and headed for where she had been unpacking boxes in the kitchen.

"I'll walk you out. I have to take these empty boxes out, anyway," Josh suggested and Maya rolled her eyes at the looks that Shawn and Cory were sending them as Maya grabbed her purse and headed for the door. Bethany's eyes had narrowed and Maya could tell that the girl was seconds away from insisting that she tag along, but Josh was already leading Maya out the door.

She watched Josh's facial expressions as they made their way down the stairs and there was something definitely brooding about the way his eyes narrowed and his forehead creased. His hands seemed to twitch and she wondered if she should just leave it alone.

"You have something to say?" she broke the silence, pausing outside on the sidewalk.

He stared at her, his eyes tracing her face and his hand seeming to unconsciously reach out to touch her before he seemed to remember himself. His hand dropped back to his side before he shoved it into his pocket, "Have a nice night."

* * *

Maya's never liked being packed in rooms full of people that she doesn't know. She's done plenty of partying back in high school, but she'd avoided school dances like she was allergic to them. Riley was the one with the princess fantasy and standing next to Lucas in a flowing gown that Rebecca picked out for her makes her wonder when the two of them had switched roles again.

"You want to get out of here," Lucas suggested, after they'd finished an awkward bout of small talk from someone who had worked with Lucas's father at a law firm.

"Your father hasn't even given his speech," Maya reminded him.

"I forgot how much I hate these things," he admitted and Maya grabbed his arm before he could resort to his habitual gesture of running his hands through his hair. She'd watched Rebecca fuss over his appearance for half-an-hour and she wasn't going to deal with the lecture that would come if he did anything to mess it up.

"I'm running to the bathroom, try to hold it together," Maya instructed, releasing his arm as she headed towards the doors leading out of the ballroom. She glanced back once to find that Lucas was headed in the direction of the open bar and Maya let out a groan before making her way outside. She started in the direction of the bathroom, but didn't make it far before she was switching directions and slipping out the nearest exit and into the night.

She leaned her back against the wall as she breathed in the city air and tried to get passed the feelings that someone else was living in her body the entire summer.

"My sentiments exactly," a voice startled her and she looked up to find a boy leaning against the opposite wall smoking. He was wearing the same formalwear that suggested he'd come from the same party, but Maya couldn't make out any details of him in the darkness of the side entrance.

"Those things will kill you," Maya offered, already planning out her escape route and regretting that she'd insisted Lucas carry her phone in his suit jacket.

"You're here with Friar, aren't you?" the boy questioned, ignoring her comment altogether.

"That's one way to look at it," she shrugged.

"I'm Liam, Liam Vaughn," he stomped on the cigarette, reaching out a hand in her direction.

"Maya," she offered, refusing to return the handshake as she found the door handle behind her back.

"A word of advice," he suggested, as she pulled the door open, "I wouldn't waste my vote on someone like Travis Friar."

"I wasn't planning to."

* * *

Riley waits until the last minute to return to the city. It's the night before freshmen orientation and Maya knows that she shouldn't be surprised to come home and find Riley sitting on the edge of her bed, as though she had never left.

Riley's let her hair grow back out, so that it hits her collarbone and she's sporting a tan that suggests she's had more fun, than Maya spent the past few months having. She looks older, though the bags under her eyes suggest that it might be exhaustion that's aging her.

"Hey, Peaches," Riley broke the silence, her own eyes taking Maya in. There's no excitement in her voice, but there's also no hostility and Maya's willing to split the difference.

"Hey, Honey," Maya returned, sinking down next to her on the bed.

"I like what you did with your room, it's relaxing," Riley offered, her gaze sweeping over the boxes and the landscapes that Maya had recently hung on the wall. Maya might be the only one in existence who's likely to put up pictures before she finishes unpacking her clothes.

"Thanks, how was your summer?" Maya questioned, looking for anything to try and break the awkwardness that hung over the both of them.

"I met someone," Riley admitted, biting her lip.

"And?"

"I'm glad to be home," Riley's head sunk down onto Maya's shoulder and Maya immediately reached out to wrap her arm around the brunette.

"I've missed you," Maya offered, spinning the friendship ring that still sits on her finger. She wants to push Riley for details, to capture the time when they'd never kept anything from each other, but there's something about the moment holding her back.

"I've spent all summer thinking about the talk that we had before I left," Riley admitted, sometime later. Maya couldn't be sure how long they had been sitting in silence, however, from the way her shoulder aches as Riley sits up and straightens out, she gets the feeling that it's been awhile.

"Me too," Maya agreed, turning so that their knees bumped each other.

"I know that things have changed, that things are changing, but I still want you in my life," Riley began, "So, I've decided that even though there are things we aren't going to tell each other, things that I don't want you to tell me about, it shouldn't change that we're there for each other."

"It doesn't, not for me," Maya promised.

* * *

Maya entered the Friar's house without knocking, something she'd started doing over the summer, when she realized that Lucas and Rebecca had stopped answering the door. She wasn't entirely sure where Travis was living, but his belongings had slowly started disappearing from the home and Maya was pretty sure that he hadn't slept there since Nick had died.

"We need to talk," Maya said, hovering in the doorway of Lucas's bedroom. His belongings were mostly packed up and stacked in the corner of his room, but she immediately picked up on his agitated mood. He'd been listening to music, sprawled out on his bed, but he pulled the earbuds out and turned to look at her.

"Let me guess, you're either breaking up with me or I'm about to get a lecture for something?" Lucas questioned, his voice flat.

"Riley's back and we need to talk about what that means," Maya corrected him, entering the room and taking her familiar seat in his desk chair.

"Oh," Lucas offered and Maya rubbed her eyes with her hands, realizing at the last second that she had probably just completely smudged her makeup.

"I made the mistake, once, of turning to you instead of her and it got us to where we are right now. I don't want to lose her again; I can't lose her again," Maya explained, staring intently at her knees.

"So, then this is it," Lucas offered.

"The problem is that somewhere along the way, I've come to need you. I need you to talk about the things that I can't talk to anyone else about and you're the person that I go to when I need something to take the edge off. I just think that our relationship needs to stay separate from my relationship with Riley."

"More rules," Lucas groaned.

"I still love Josh and I'm not sure that the feeling is ever going to go away, but whatever we had is over. So, if you really want to try and make a relationship between us work, I'm willing to give it a try, but I'm not putting Riley through it."

"So, we're just two people settling because we can't be with the people we really want to be with?" Lucas clarified.

"It's better than being alone, isn't it?"

* * *

Maya sits with Riley through Freshman orientation and tries not to channel her best friend's nerves. She's gotten the lecture from her mother about how this is a chance to start new and be whoever she wants to be, but Maya can't help feeling that college just ups the stakes on everything that she'd been through in high school.

Riley's hand furiously scribbles notes in the bright purple notebook that she's brought along for the occasion and her legs bounce with a mixture of excitement and apprehension for this next stage in their lives. Maya figures that if Riley's taking such diligent notes, she probably doesn't have to pay that much attention.

Her eyes flicker over the group of new college students and she finds herself wondering just what she's gotten herself into. She snags one of the five pens that Riley's brought along with her and starts tracing out the floorplan from her childhood home over her light, denim jeans.

Riley pauses in her note taking to pull out her phone and Maya discreetly looks over to see that she's gotten a text message from Farkle. Riley shoots off a reply and Maya bites her lip in concentration as she goes back to her drawing.

"There's so much to remember and we haven't even started classes," Riley complained, linking arms with Maya as they finished the campus tour and started on their way back to the dorms.

"You'll get it. Didn't Josh help you with choosing all of your classes?" Maya reminded her, holding open the door to their dorm and letting Riley go in first.

"He would have helped you, too," Riley pointed out, shooting Maya an annoyed look. Maya had turned down the invitation and apparently Riley was still holding a grudge.

"You're the one who does well in school, you've got nothing to worry about," Maya assured her, sticking her key into the lock and letting them both into the cluttered room that Riley had been trying to organize since they'd gotten Shawn and Cory to help drop off the rest of their things earlier that morning.

"This is different, Maya. This is the real world and if we fail, we could lose everything," Riley said, sinking down onto her bed.

"Then we won't fail."

* * *

 **As of July 26, 2017 this chapter has been edited.**


	21. Genetics

**September 2019**

"You're definitely not a teacher," Maya commented, stuffing her textbooks back into her bag.

"You're just unteachable," Lucas disagreed.

They'd been sprawled out on the floor of his dorm room, trying to get homework done, but Maya could tell that he was distracted. He'd been sending text messages for most of the night and he'd barely turned a page of his own math textbook.

"Riley's never had a problem," neither had Josh, but she was trying really hard not to think about him.

"Riley was raised by a teacher, she's genetically predisposed to be brilliant at teaching people," Lucas argued.

"I'll call you later," Maya suggested, pulling her bag onto her shoulder as she stood up.

"Is everything okay? You seem kind of off," Lucas asked and she paused with her hand on the doorknob.

"I'm fine," Maya replied, opening the door and moving into the hall.

She wasn't generally someone who walked around campus alone at night, but she wasn't about to admit a fear of doing it. She'd lived in the city her entire life and she'd been in much scarier places, then the walkways leading to her own dorm room.

However, there was something about tonight that felt different. The shadows seemed just a little bit longer and she could swear that she was hearing footsteps echoing behind her. The hairs on the back of neck shot up and she tried to ignore the pounding of her heart, as it pulsed in her chest.

"Hello?" she answered her phone, nearly jumping out of her skin when it started vibrating in her pocket.

"It's Olivia," Olivia's voice came over the phone, "Kent wants to see you."

"Right now?" Maya questioned, already trying to decide how long it would take her to get across town.

"I'm not sure that he's aware of any other times," Olivia pointed out.

Maya changed directions, pausing as she swore that she saw movement in the shadows of one of the buildings.

"I'm on my way," Maya promised, clutching the phone a little tighter as she hurried on into the night.

She's not sure how they've found their way into an almost-friendship. She'd had no intention of having anything to do with Olivia, in the beginning. But, somehow, they'd found themselves shifting into it.

* * *

" _Maya," a voice called and Maya paused, turning around slowly to face the sister that she'd been trying to avoid._

 _"You need to stop ambushing me outside of my apartment," Maya complained, folding her arms across her body as she moved back the way she had come, "And I would rather that no one that I know sees you."_

 _"When I asked you to read those letters, I kind of expected that you would contact me after," Olivia informed her, refusing to back down under Maya's gaze. They're only a few weeks into summer, but Maya had hoped that she could leave everything pre-graduation behind her, as she stepped out into adulthood._

 _"I know that you don't know me, but you had to have considered the idea that I'm not going to open them," Maya pointed out._

 _"Aren't you curious, at all?"_

 _"To know why my father cheated on my mother or why he picked raising you over raising me. No, I'm good," Maya returned, "I don't think that there's any explanation that could make me understand this situation."_

 _"I know that you've got this picture in your head that my life has been perfect up to this point, but it hasn't. My father is a cocaine addict, I didn't know him the first five years of my life, and when I finally did get him into my life he was a mess. I have memories of him snorting coke off of the bathroom floor and that was just when he was there. He didn't retire from touring with his band until three years ago and he wasn't exactly attending all of my piano recitals and science fairs. I, just, got my family back. A sober father and my parents happy and then I found out that you existed. So, I'm sorry that your life is hard, but everyone's life is hard. Everyone has to deal with things that they don't want to deal with, but out of knowing the truth or burying my head in the sand and cursing the world where my father cheated on my mother and abandoned me, I'd rather have the truth. I'd rather get some kind of closure out of this entire situation."_

 _"I guess that's the difference between you and me," Maya offered, turning around and continuing down the street._

* * *

"You wanted to see me," Maya greeted Anton Kent, as soon as the door opened.

"I have a vision, Maya, do you know what it's like to have a vision?" he questioned, opening the door wider and ushering her inside, "You have such talent, such potential, but somehow you've entirely missed my vision."

"You asked me to paint trees," Maya reminded him, as he gestured to the backdrop that she had spent most of the summer helping to paint.

"Trees in fall; trees with dazzling colors and brilliance," he continued, "And you've painted me death."

"I see plenty of fall colors and that's what these colors come from, the leaves dying," Maya pointed out.

"I can't use this, I can't use any of this," he informed her, moving away from the painting.

"Do you want me to redo them?" Maya suggested, attempting to find what was wrong with the trees in the picture.

"What's going on?" a new voice asked, moving up the isle between the audience seats, "It's late, Anton, and my girls have school in the morning."

"Look at this," Anton gestured to the painting behind him.

"It looks great," the woman insisted.

"It lacks vision," Anton disagreed, "This is what we get for using an artist who has no experience in set design."

"I know that you're stressed out, but the backdrop is fantastic. Go home and get a good night's sleep and we'll talk in the morning," she instructed, moving up the steps to the stage.

"But, Dani," he argued, before she cut him off.

"We'll talk tomorrow," Dani repeated, gesturing him in the direction of the door.

Anton nodded once before retreating behind the curtains, the sound of a door closing, bouncing off the walls a second later.

"You're her, aren't you?" Dani asked, looking Maya over, "You look just like your mom."

"I'm sorry," Maya offered, looking at the woman in confusion.

"I knew that there was a possibility of running into you when we moved to the city, but I just figured, what are the odds? Kermit was so insistent that nothing was going to change, it would all just go back to normal," she paused, snapping herself out of her rant, "I'm sorry, I'm Danielle Barlow, the director of this play and Kermit's wife."

* * *

 _Maya's back hit the wall, as Lucas's hands moved to the wall behind her, caging her in. Her own hands were pressed against his chest, as she tried to forget the fight that she'd just gotten into with her sister. No one would argue that Lucas was attractive, but she was finding it harder and harder to get lost in kissing him._

 _"Okay, stop," Maya demanded, using her hands to push him away and trying to catch her breath._

 _"You want to talk about it?" Lucas questioned, in between gasps of air. He'd leaned his head against the wall next to her and she pushed him back again, as she slid out from the wall._

 _"It's nothing," Maya sunk down in his desk chair, trying to overcome to claustrophobic feeling she got whenever she started to feel caged in. She assumed that it was a remnant from what had happened with Logan, though she liked to think that she was mostly passed that incident._

 _"It doesn't seem like nothing," Lucas spun around, leaning his back against the wall that she had just been pressed against._

 _"Well it is, I'll see you later," Maya insisted, leaving his bedroom and making her way towards the front door._

 _"Is this how it's going to be now?" Lucas asked, following her out into the hallway, "We're just going to stop talking and keep doing whatever it is that we're doing."_

 _"I don't know; I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm even doing it. I just know that everything feels different now," Maya pulled open the front door, she turned back to look at him once, before letting the door close between them._

* * *

 _Maya sat in the middle of her bed, slowly flipping through the letters that Olivia had given her. She wanted to call and talk to Riley, she wanted to call and tell her how badly she'd messed everything up, but she wasn't sure how to bridge the distance. She wasn't sure how to make anything in her life work anymore._

 _She slid her index finger under the flap of one of the letters and closed her eyes, before slitting open the top. The paper was lined and folded into a square and Maya mechanically unfolded it, smoothing out the creases. She hadn't seen her father's handwriting very many times, but she knew enough to know that this writing wasn't his._

 _The paper that she had torn apart had been filled with a careless scrawl, the letters formed without thought. They had a way of blurring together and she'd had to squint to pick out what some of the words said._

 _This writing was the exact opposite. It was deliberate, each letter formed like Maya remembered her teacher instructing them to do it in school. It flowed and there was something intrinsically artistic about it._

 _Almost, unconsciously Maya found herself reading the first line, before the paper fluttered from her hands and into her lap, "_ _My husband's daughter."_

* * *

"How did it go?" Olivia questioned, from where she had been waiting outside of the stage door.

"You didn't think to maybe tell me that I was working for your mother's show?" Maya returned, folding her arms across her chest.

"You were looking for a job and my mother needed someone to help with painting the backdrop. I didn't think that there was any chance of the two of you meeting," Olivia replied.

"Well we did meet," Maya pointed out, throwing her hands in the air in frustration, "And I told you that I didn't want anything to do with your family."

"I get it, okay? But we are family, all of us, regardless of what you want it to be. You're my sister and Kermit is your father and my mother is," Maya cut her off before Olivia could continue.

"She's not related to me, she's the woman that our father left my mother for. And being related doesn't make all of us family," Maya said, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets, "Genetics are just genes, family is made up of people that are there for each other."

"I've been there for you. You needed someone to talk to when everything else in your life was falling apart and I was there. I know that this situation is awful, but it's the situation that we're in. You're my sister, Maya," Olivia argued.

"I have a sister, I have Riley, Shawn, and my mother. I like you, Olivia, but we're not all going to sit down one day at the same table and celebrate Thanksgiving. I'm not going to suddenly become a part of your family."

"So, Riley comes back and you don't need me anymore. You get someone else to talk to and now I'm back to being the unwanted part of your past that you don't want anything to do with. I should have known that you were just using me. You're an addict and that's exactly what they do," Olivia turned, making her way towards the main street.

"Olivia?" Maya called out, closing her eyes as she tried to think of what to say.

"You're going to have to forgive him, someday. Holding onto all of that hate that you have for our father, is just dragging you down," Olivia turned around before continuing into the night.

* * *

Maya slipped through the door to her dorm and saw Riley already asleep in her bed. She kicked her shoes under her own bed and quietly stripped out of the clothes she'd been wearing, before pulling on an NYU sweatshirt of Josh's that she'd stolen and never bothered to return. The smell of him had rinsed out a long time ago, but it was still warm and if she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend that his arms were wrapped around her.

"Peaches, are you back?" Riley groaned, stretching, as she turned to face Maya's side of the room.

"Yeah, I'm back," Maya replied, pulling back the sheets on her own bed, "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Riley agreed, her voice still heavy with sleep.

"Why is it that I can't forgive my father? Why can't I just let everything go?"

For a second, Maya thought that Riley had gone back to sleep, but a second later Riley's bedside lamp turned on and Riley sat up, her feet hanging off the edge of the bed. Her hair was a mess, but Riley didn't seem to mind, as she pursed her lips and looked at Maya across the room.

"If you forgive him, then it's over, your entire relationship becomes nonexistent," Riley mused, "But by hating him, by hanging onto all of the mistakes that he's made, your relationship with him is still unfinished. Neither of you get closure."

"Do you think that I should reach out to him?" Maya questioned.

"If you're ready to really talk to him," Riley replied, giving Maya a half-smile.

* * *

"Hey," a familiar voice said and Maya spun around.

"What are you doing here?" Maya asked, her eyes widening, as she nearly dropped the textbook that she had been studying.

"My sister-in-law does, kind of, own the place," Josh offered, pulling his hands out of the pocket of his jacket, as he sat down in the seat next to her.

"I know that, I just haven't seen you around in a while," Maya forced her eyes back onto the book in front of her.

"I'm doing a semester abroad in the Spring and so I've been trying to spend more time with my family before I leave," Josh explained.

"Bethany must be excited about that," Maya offered, trying to ignore the way her heart lurched at the idea of all that distance between them. It wasn't like they were seeing each other regularly, while he was in the city.

"She's going with me, actually. What are you studying?"

"I'm not actually even sure, anymore," Maya replied, checking the binding of her textbook, "The subjects have all just started to blur together."

"It gets easier, once you get the General-Ed stuff out of the way," Josh promised.

"I just don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I spend so much time doing math and studying history that I can't remember the last time I just sat down and painted for fun. What's the point of going through all of this, if it's keeping me from the things that I really want to do?" Maya vented.

"Are you taking all General Education classes this semester?" Josh asked, his eyes meeting hers in surprise.

"My adviser suggested that I get through all of them before working towards my major, make sure that art is really what I want to pursue," Maya explained, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

"Next semester, take an art class. Don't let yourself get so caught up in the hoops that you have to jump through to graduate, that you lose sight of what you're really working towards," Josh suggested, standing up as his order was called from the main counter.

"Thanks for the advice," Maya called, as he brushed passed her with his bagged food.

"I enjoyed talking to you," Josh admitted, his eyes studying her for a minute, before he disappeared out the main door.

Maya stared after him before her phone started ringing and she grabbed it off the table in front of her, "Hello?"

"Where are you?" Lucas demanded, his voice panicked and annoyed.

"Studying," Maya replied, biting the tip of her pen, as she turned back to her work.

"You said that you would go with me to my father's big dinner, tonight," Lucas reminded her and Maya groaned as she realized the event had completely slipped her mind.

"I'm on my way," Maya said, shifting the phone to between her ear and shoulder, as she hurried to pack up her bag and head for the door.

"Maya, it starts in half-an-hour," Lucas reminded, as Maya calculated Subway schedules and tried to determine what items in her closet were nice enough for dinner with the Friars'. She probably didn't even have time to go back to her closet.

"I'll be there," Maya promised, hanging up the phone, as she sorted through her options. She and Riley were well beyond the years when they actually fit into each other's clothes, which ruled out running over to the Mathews'.

Groaning, she shifted through her contacts for another number and waited for the call to go through.

"Hello?"

"I need a favor," Maya admitted, pulling her bag onto her shoulder as she headed for the door.

* * *

"This should fit," Olivia offered, handing over the dress, so that Maya could change in bathroom stall of the hotel that the Friars' were having their dinner in.

"I'm sorry about what I said, about how I treated you. I ran into your mother and being in front of her, I freaked out," Maya admitted, taking the dress from her hand, but making no move to put it on.

"I should have told you about my mom, I don't know what I would even do if I came face-to-face with your mother. I just like having you around and sometimes I get caught up in the feeling of having a big sister. I guess, in the back of my mind, I hoped that someday things would be different, but if this is all that they're going to be, I can accept that," Olivia replied, leaning back against the sinks.

Maya slipped into the stall and unzipped the designer dress from the garment bag that Olivia had been carrying it in.

"You should do something with your hair," Olivia called through the door.

"What wrong with my hair?" Maya asked, pulling off her shirt and moving onto her pants.

"Nothing, it's just kind of wild for a formal dinner," Olivia replied.

"What did you have in mind?" Maya questioned, as she opened the door to the stall and stepped out.

Exactly eight minutes later, Olivia had managed to pull Maya's hair into the same twisted arrangement that she'd been wearing when Maya had received the letters from her, what felt like a lifetime ago, and they were both doing a final examination of her in the mirror.

"We really do look alike, don't we?" Olivia mused, as Maya rubbed the smeared eyeliner from under her eyes.

"Yeah, we do," Maya agreed, handing over the things that Olivia had agreed to hold onto for her.

The two exited the bathroom and Maya paused as she saw Lucas pacing just outside.

"There you are," he said, pausing as he took in the two girls.

"This is my sister, Olivia," Maya introduced her, watching as Olivia's eyes scanned over him, "And this is Lucas."

"Your impression nailed his accent," Olivia joked, as Lucas looked between them incredulously.

"Right? Come on, Huckleberry, let's get you to the ball before the carriage turns back into a pumpkin," Maya grabbed his arm, waving over her shoulder at Olivia, as the two headed in the direction of the ballroom.

* * *

 **Edited as of July 26, 2017.**


	22. The Grand Scheme of Things

**October 2019**

Maya's never been to a formal dinner in her life. Dinner at the Mathews' was a casual and a usually boisterous affair that ended in at least one of the occupants being completely coated in their food. There was laughter, teasing, and something warm about it that Maya had never been able to find anywhere else.

Growing up, she hadn't really had sit-down dinners with her mother. She'd occasionally sat in a booth and had her mother bring her food, during her shift, while Maya stared at homework she didn't know how to do and eventually turned to drawing pictures on napkins.

Neither of those experiences prepared her for the current situation that she found herself facing. Lucas hadn't told her that dinner with his parents required a chart to decipher what spoon or fork was for what. Though, she knew, that she probably should have expected it. She'd seen enough movies.

"I think Mom put us at the head table," Lucas said, his hand on her back as he guided her through the clusters of people that were talking.

Great, she was going to have his parents sitting there judging her, along with most of the important political figures of New York City.

"Maya," Rebecca paused in her conversation, turning to face the two teens, "I'm glad that you were able to make it."

"Lucas told me that it was my civic duty," Maya replied, trying to keep the sarcasm from her voice. She wasn't even sure if she was registered to vote.

"This is Contessa Dawson, her husband is on the city council," Rebecca introduced the woman next to her, "And this is Maya Hart, Lucas's girlfriend."

"It's nice to meet you," Contessa offered, a smile jerking at her lips, although it never reached her eyes.

"Yeah," Maya trailed off, uncertain of how exactly she was supposed to act. Her general rule of thumb had been to say as little as possible and let Lucas do the talking, but he stood frozen beside her, his eyes trained on a woman that his father was talking to across the room.

"If you'll excuse me, I see Senator Hawthorne's wife," Contessa excused herself, gliding out of Maya's direct line of site.

"What is _she_ doing here?" Lucas demanded, gesturing across the room.

"She's your father's campaign manager, why wouldn't she be here?" Rebecca pointed out, appearing unimpressed by Lucas's question.

"You don't honestly believe that she's just his campaign manager?" Lucas snapped.

"Here is not the place to be having this conversation," Rebecca turned away from him, straightening a set of silverware before moving back into the crowd.

"Your father's having an affair?" Maya questioned, surprised that this is the first that she's hearing about it.

"If he had just moved out, he would have an apartment or a hotel room, but he doesn't. He calls every once in a while, suggests we go to lunch, but he's obviously moved out of the house. I think he moved in with his mistress," Lucas admitted, grabbing a drink off of a passing tray and taking several swallows as Maya tried to process what he was saying.

"Your mother doesn't seem worried about it," Maya pointed out, unsure what the proper protocol for this specific situation was. She could handle upset Lucas, but this Lucas was deadly calm with an angry edge that suggested the explosion might be more carnage than she could manage on her own.

"Why would she be? She hates him for what happened with Nick, and now she has her lifestyle paid for without having to live with him," Lucas snorted, finishing off the rest of the glass.

Maya can smell the alcohol and while she's never found it a pleasant smell it brings back memories of parties and Texas. She's almost a year to the anniversary of her overdose, a little over two months from being a year sober, but the reminders do little to curb the sudden impulse that's coursing through her.

"I need to get out of here," Maya informed him, looking around the room as the people and voices start to overwhelm her.

"Dinner should be starting any minute," Lucas said and she looked up at him incredulously.

"I think you and the champagne can make it through the night without me," Maya offered, pulling away from him as she headed for the door.

"Maya?" Lucas called after her, following her out into the hall.

"What do you want from me? Riley used to just grab your arm and you'd instantly calm down, but when I'm around you, all you do is drink. You take me to these parties that I obviously don't belong at and you're distracted half the time that I'm around you. Just because we both settled for each other, doesn't mean you get to treat me like the second choice," Maya spun around to face him, keeping her voice low enough that no one was going to hear them arguing.

"You were the one who pulled away, who stopped talking to me about things as soon as our relationship changed," Lucas reminded her, "I'm just following your lead."

"Well, I don't want to lead anymore," Maya turned to head back towards the exit, but Lucas's hand reached out and grabbed her arm.

"You could still get him back," Lucas offered.

Maya stared at him for a second, thinking of the conversation with Josh earlier that day. He was leaving to go to somewhere in Europe at the beginning of the year, he'd left her as soon as Cory and Shawn had found out about their relationship. Josh was always the one who was walking away.

She wrapped her arms around Lucas's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. She realized a second too late that she hadn't considered the alcohol that lingered on his breath and left the taste of temptation in her mouth.

 **November 2019**

Riley insists that they dress up for Halloween and they spend the night passing out candy at _Topanga's._ Riley video chats Farkle, who does end up dressing up as The Phantom of the Opera, and it's a lot like the days when it was just the three of them. Riley doesn't suggest that they go to any of the college parties that they had been invited to and Maya's grateful.

She ups the number of NA meetings that she's going to every week, but the feeling that she's headed for a relapse is always there. She wakes up sweating in the middle of the night, despite the fact that the weather has become much colder, and she's struggling with insomnia that none of her internet remedies seem to be able to cure.

* * *

The midterms before fall break are brutal, especially considering the fact that Maya can't interpret most of her notes on account of she can barely stay awake in her classes. She borrows Riley's for the two classes that they share and is able to get the notes from Intro to Humanities from Lucas. She's on her own for math because Riley and Lucas both tested into higher classes then she did, but Riley does her best to explain the heavier concepts to her before test day.

It doesn't change the fact there's only so many hours in the day and her days are packed full of classes, homework, and NA meetings. Adding in the exhaustion and she knows that she's headed on a collision course with disaster.

"You look half-dead," Olivia offers, when Maya goes to meet her the day after Maya finishes her last midterm. They're meeting at a coffee place that's well away from either of their usual hangouts and Olivia's supposed to be dropping off Maya's check for helping with the play scenery.

All Maya had wanted to do that morning was sleep, but Maya knows that she's going to need the money come next semester.

She'd known that college was going to be expensive, but between books, class fees, and tuition, her college fund hadn't stood a chance through first semester. Her housing was shaping up to be more expensive then she had planned on, as well, and while her mother was helping Maya with the worst of it, Maya knew that her mother couldn't continue to support her through another semester. The waitress and the travel blogger, were barely covering their own rent at the moment and Maya knew that Shawn had been traveling more frequently to try and compensate for their expenses.

"Thanks," Maya snorted, sinking into one of the seats across from Olivia.

"I've got your money," Olivia offered, sliding the check across the table. There's a worried tremble to Olivia's hand and Maya's been around her long enough to know the signs that Olivia wants to ask something that Maya's not going to like.

"Is there something else?" Maya asks, pausing in her movements.

"My mother mentioned to my father that she ran into you," Olivia replied, staring intently at the pastry that she'd been picking apart, "And he wants to see you."

"How would he know that you were in contact with me?" Maya asked, her voice lowering.

"You really think it was that hard for my mother to find out that I'd recommended you for the job?" Olivia returned, her eyes pleading with Maya to understand.

There were a million things that Maya wanted to say. She wanted to point out that she never would have been in this situation if Olivia hadn't recommended a job that Danielle was connected to. Or that Olivia should already know exactly how Maya felt about the idea of seeing Kermit or being involved with the family that he had left her for in any way, but instead she stood up from the table and pulled her coat tighter around her.

"You can tell him that I don't want to see him."

* * *

It's a no-brainer that her family spends Thanksgiving with the Mathews'. They're practically Shawn's extended family and Katy makes and serves food for a living, so Shawn insists that she not be responsible for cooking an entire Thanksgiving meal for the three of them. No one mentions money, but Maya's pretty sure that it's the thought in the back of all of their minds.

"How are your parents doing?" Shawn questions Cory, as Topanga and Katy put the finishing touches on dinner in the kitchen. Riley spent the morning at the Minkus's to celebrate Farkle being back in town and still isn't back, yet, and Auggie is spending Thanksgiving with Ava and her family, which is a testament to how even when everything was changing, some things didn't.

Maya's curled up in the window seat with her sketchbook and is doing her best to pretend that she's not eavesdropping on the conversations taking place around her. Her latest map happens to be of Texas and she's trying to capture the majesty of the Friar's home, from its tiny point on her drawing.

"Mom's doing the best that she can to hold everything together, but Dad's not doing well," Cory admitted, "We thought about driving down there for the holidays, but Topanga's got a big case for work and wasn't sure about leaving the city."

"That's hard," Shawn agreed.

"Eric and Morgan are both there this weekend and we've agreed to make Christmas work, but we're going to have to come up with a long-term plan, soon. I think that one of us needs to be there to look after them," Cory sighed, "Eric can't do it with his political career and Topanga's on her way to making partner at her firm. Josh is leaving in January to spend a semester traveling through Europe and Morgan's pregnant. We just can't seem to find the right answer."

"I'm sorry," Shawn offered, slapping Cory on the back.

"I heard that you're going to China during the New Year," Cory changed the subject, bringing the topic to something lighter.

"The money for international traveling is good, but Katy's not happy with how often I've been gone," Shawn replied, the stress audible in his voice.

"I thought you were looking at starting that photography studio," Cory offered and Maya looked up in surprise. This was the first time that she was hearing about it.

"Starting a business takes money and trying to come up with a plan to apply for a loan. I just don't think that the timing is right," Shawn confessed.

The front door opens and Maya watches as Josh leads Bethany into the home, taking his jacket off of her shoulders. Maya's not sure why the woman would choose to leave the house without one when the weather has been bitterly cold for weeks, but stays silent.

"My brother," Cory stands up to greet the younger Mathews.

"My brother," Josh opens his arms, embracing Cory.

"I'm glad that you could make it, we're almost done," Topanga calls from the kitchen, unaware of the potatoes that splatter most of the apron that she's wearing.

"What can I do to help?" Bethany enquired, moving away from the boys and into the kitchen.

"If you want to start taking things to the table," Topanga suggested, gesturing to a bowl filled with steaming rolls and a casserole dish of sweet potatoes.

"I'm home!" Riley announced, making her way through the same door.

"You're late," Topanga returned, her eyes narrowing, before she turned back to trying to mash the potatoes.

"How is our Farkle doing?" Maya questioned, as Riley crossed the room and sunk down next to her.

"Good, different, but good," Riley replied, frowning before she forced a smile.

"How were midterms?" Josh broke into their conversation, leaving Cory and Shawn as he crossed the room.

"Not nearly as bad as the research essay that I had to do for Intermediate Writing," Riley complained.

"Just wait until you're having to do research papers for your major," Josh informed her.

"If I ever get a major," Riley snorted, crossing her legs, "Speaking of which, I heard that you're thinking of changing yours."

"I got accepted into NYU's journalism program, but finding a job after I graduate, I'm just not sure how dependable a journalism degree is going to be," Josh admitted.

"What else would you do?" Maya asked, surprised when the question left her mouth. She'd closed her sketchbook when Riley came into the room, but was purposefully avoiding eye contact with Josh.

"I've considered teaching," Josh replied, but he didn't sound overly enthusiastic about the idea.

"Time to eat," Topanga announced, cutting off further conversation.

* * *

Maya had expected for things to be tense at the table and in some ways they are. Bethany gets along with Topanga and Cory and it's clear that they're happy to have her there. She talks to Topanga about law school and asks Katy about her acting, somehow managing to be complimentary about Katy's successes, instead of focusing on her lack of a big break. Riley offers plenty of stories about classes and her time on campus, filling in any awkward silences that descends over the table.

"What about you, Maya? Do you act, like your mother?" Bethany turned the conversation to Maya and Maya looked up in surprise. The two of them had always avoided direct interactions and Maya had been hoping to keep it that way.

"No," Maya replied, turning back to her mashed potatoes.

"Maya's an artist," Riley felt the need to say, "A brilliant artist."

"What kind of art?" Bethany asked and Maya tried to decipher if she was genuinely interested, or trying to prove something.

"Oil painting, mostly," Maya replied.

"I did a lot of watercolor and sculpture back in high school," Bethany informed her and Maya bit off a sarcastic reply at the last second. It figured that Josh would bring home someone who shared Maya's hobby.

"I didn't know that," Josh offered, looking at Bethany with new interest, while Maya wondered how long she'd have to wait to leave the party without being rude.

"It was more of a hobby than anything else," Bethany replied, modestly, "Nothing that I could build a career out of and I haven't done anything with it in years."

"You're graduating with Josh, aren't you?" Katy asked.

"Yes, we'll both be finishing up after next semester. I think it's funny that we both spent so many years at NYU, but we didn't meet until I was spending summer break with my grandparents'."

"Sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways," Cory offered and Maya felt something sharp where her heart had once belonged.

"I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I'm just glad that I met him," Bethany smiled, reaching out to squeeze Josh's forearm. His eyes flickered over to Maya and Maya abruptly turned away.

She retreats with Riley to her room, directly after dinner and the two curl up on Riley's bed with her laptop and watch a couple of movies that remind them of simpler times. They're halfway into one when Maya's phone goes off and she pulls it out to discover that Lucas is calling her.

Glancing over at Riley, Maya got up from the bed and made her way out into the hall, closing the door between them before she answered, "Hey."

"How was dinner?" Lucas questioned, not bothering with a greeting.

"Josh brought his girlfriend and it was just as fun as that sentence sounds," Maya replied, leaning back against the wall, "Yours?"

"Dinner was catered, my mother was teetering on the edge of drunk, and my father brought his entire campaign team. We sat talking about poll numbers and projections all night," Lucas replied.

"His campaign manager?"

"Sat across from my mother and glared at her through the entire dinner," Lucas answered, "You want to go do something reckless?"

"Drugs, alcohol, tattoo, haircut, I think I've done everything reckless to be done," Maya replied, her eyes automatically going back to Riley's bedroom door.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow," Lucas suggested, easily accepting her answer.

"Alright," Maya agreed, hitting end on the call and letting out a sigh.

"Your knight in shining flannel?" Josh startled her and she turned to face him.

"Something like that," Maya snorted, staring at their shoes.

"I thought that you were going to have dinner with him," Josh admitted, running his hand through his hair.

"We're not the couple that celebrates major holidays."

"Or ends a call with, 'I love you.'" He pointed out.

"Is there a question in there?" Maya asked, raising an eyebrow as she tried to decide if Josh looked jealous or not.

"I'm just trying to figure out why you're staying in a relationship with him when he obviously doesn't make you happy and it's straining things between Riley and you," Josh replied, his eyes keeping her trapped in his gaze.

"You don't know that he's not making me happy," Maya insisted.

"If he were making you happy, if you were in love with him, I don't think that you'd be here," Maya had forgotten how brutally honest Josh could be.

"Does Bethany make you happy?" Maya returned, folding her arms across her chest.

"Maya, I care about you, I'm always going to care about you. But you and me were never going to work out. Bethany is good for me and, yeah, we're happy. And that's what I want for you, to find someone who you can make things work with and to be happy."

"Those are nice words, I almost believe you," Maya offered, brushing passed him as she headed for the living room.

"We're having dessert," Katy announced, when Maya rejoined the larger chunk of adults.

"I'm not feeling well, I think I'm going to head out," Maya replied, grabbing her jacket and shrugging it on.

"Maya?" Katy's eyes pleaded with Maya to reconsider.

"I'll call you later. Thanks for dinner," Maya redirected her attention to Topanga and Cory before letting the door slam behind her. She knew that Riley would be upset, but she'd already made it through more of the evening then what she had thought she would.

* * *

Maya doesn't vote in the mayoral election, not that it makes any difference, because Travis Friar still loses. Rebecca had seemed nothing but supportive of Travis's political dreams, but there's something smug about the way Rebecca carries herself after the results are announced.

"We were just celebrating," Rebecca informs Maya, as Maya makes her way into their home the night after the announcement.

Lucas is seated at the table, picking at French toast and Maya pauses as she takes in the table filled with food. There's chocolate covered fruit and a variety of pastries that are scattered all around the formal dining room.

"We were supposed to be having a victory breakfast, but nobody showed up," Lucas offered, as Maya looked around in confusion.

"I can't imagine why," Maya offered, taking the seat next to Lucas, who looks noticeably hungover.

"I warned Travis that he was counting his chickens before they hatched, but he's always gotten his way, so I imagine he wasn't prepared for the disappointment," Rebecca bit into a chocolate-covered strawberry, leaning back in her seat.

A knock sounded from the direction of the front door and Lucas slowly got up, leaving the room. Maya heard the sound of the door opening and muted voices before Lucas returned with two people trailing along behind him.

"Rebecca," a new voice greeted them and Rebecca rose from the table, a smile on her face.

"Derek, it's good to see you," Rebecca crossed the room, pulling the man into a hug, "And Victoria, you look lovely as always."

"It was wonderful of you to invite us," Victoria smiled, her eyes scanning the room.

"This is Lucas's girlfriend, Maya. And, Maya, this is our new Mayor, Derek Carter and his wife, Victoria."

Maya nearly chokes on the corner of French toast that she had stolen from Lucas's plate.

"Your mother was helping your father's opponent's campaign?" Maya questioned, after breakfast, leaning against Lucas's desk, while he sat on the edge of his bed.

"I don't know if she was helping or just on friendly terms with them," Lucas replied, "And I can't exactly say that I'm disappointed my father didn't win."

"That's crazy," Maya pointed out.

"After everything that she's been through, I think she gets a break on this one," Lucas offered and his eyes were tired enough that Maya decided to let it drop.

 **December 2019**

Maya felt her heart stop beating in her chest as she looked at her posted grades. She's not sure how this happened. She had studied and she'd felt confident that she knew the material before she had gone in to take her final.

Maya slammed the laptop screen, a gift from Shawn after she had graduated, closed and sighed as she leaned back on her dorm room bed. She'd known that college was going to be hard, but she'd assumed that with Riley and a lot of hard work, she could handle it. She hadn't anticipated failing a class during her first semester. She hadn't anticipated failing a _general education class_ that she would now have to retake, putting her even further from being able to focus on art.

"Hey, did you get your grades back?" Riley questioned, entering the dorm room and tossing her scarf onto her bed.

"Yeah," Maya offered, "How'd you do?"

"I didn't get as high of a grade as I hoped for in English, but I don't think it's going to kill my GPA," Riley replied, "Not that I even have any idea what I'm maintaining such a good GPA for. I might as well drop out now and go work at _Topanga's_."

"Really?" Maya asked, skeptically.

"Well, no, I can't just drop out of school, but I really thought that I was going to figure out what I want to do with my life and I have no idea, Maya," Riley groaned, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

"Knowing what you want to do, doesn't make life any easier," Maya informed her, sitting up and sliding her feet off the edge of the bed.

"Did something happen?" Riley hesitantly asked, as Maya shoved her feet into her shoes.

Maya had been avoiding lying to Riley, lately. Maya already had so many lies stacked up and adding more to the pile was just going to tear everything apart, but she can't bring herself to admit that she had failed. It's always been a fact of life that Riley was smart and Maya was a slacker.

Maya didn't put any effort into school because she was terrified of trying and failing. She didn't rebound from rejection the same way that Riley did. She would have given up on cheerleading after she'd been cut once and spent the rest of her high school days ridiculing them and insisting that she hated cheerleaders. Granted, she'd done that without trying out.

This was different. The failure was going to go on her college transcript, forever marking her as a person who tried and hadn't been enough. Forever confirming the fact that she just wasn't smart, even when she killed herself to be.

"I'm just tired," Maya offered, pulling on her leather jacket, as she prepared to make an escape.

Maya wandered aimlessly around campus before deciding that she was freezing and heading to the coffee place where she usually met with Olivia. They hadn't talked recently, but Maya knew that she should probably reach out and try to smooth things over, though today wasn't going to be the day that she did that.

Maya placed her order and found a table in the back, turning so that she could face the entrance and pulling her sketchbook out of her purse. The pages are filled with maps that she's drawn of buildings, cities, and places that only exist in her imagination.

"Lost?" a voice questions and Maya looks up.

"Do I know you?" Maya asked, closing her sketchbook before he can look through any other pages.

"We met at that party back in August for Travis Friar, I'm Liam Vaughn," he reintroduced himself, taking the seat across from her.

"The smoker," Maya remembered, pursing her lips as she took in his appearance in the daylight. He had a strong jawline, that would be the first thing she drew if she were to sketch him. His hair was dark and his eyes were a chocolate brown that bordered on the edge of being black.

"I'm glad that I made such a good first impression," he smiled and Maya found that he looked a lot less threatening when he wasn't lurking in dark alleyways.

"What makes you think I'm lost?" Maya returned to his earlier question, leaning back in her seat as she tried to figure out why he had approached her.

"Don't lost people need maps to get around?" he pointed out, his eyes studying her.

The idea that she had been drawing maps because she felt lost had never occurred to her, but having him state it so plainly left her wondering. Not that she would admit it to anyone else.

"It's just something that I do when I'm bored," Maya shrugged it off, taking a bite of the pastry that was sitting in front of her.

"May I?" he reached out a hand and Maya considered. There wasn't anything overly personal in her sketchbook, but she still wasn't sure about trusting him.

"I was actually just headed out," Maya replied, tucking the sketchbook back into her bag.

"I didn't mean to scare you off, I just saw you and I couldn't resist coming over. I work for a gallery in SoHo and I'm just in town visiting my mother for the weekend. I can let you get back to your drawing," he offered, getting up from his seat.

"You work at a gallery?" Maya found herself asking, interested despite herself, "Are you an artist?"

"I photograph nature, mostly, but I've been known to do the occasional portrait," he replied, pulling out his phone and hitting several buttons before he slid it across the table to her.

Maya flipped through the pictures, pausing at a picture of a woman reflected across water. There was something powerful in the way he knew exactly what angle to capture something. Most of his pictures used bold color to draw in the viewer, but he also captured elegance in his black-and-white photos, too.

"These are breathtaking," Maya admitted, returning his phone.

"The world just makes more sense when I'm looking at it through a lens," he admitted, sliding the phone back into his pocket.

"I used to feel like that with painting, but, lately, I just feel kind of stuck," Maya found herself confessing.

"Hence the detailed mapmaking?"

"Last time it was a ridiculous number of still-life's," she replied.

"At least you're still trying. Sometimes you just have to work through a block," he informed her, standing up, "I should get going, but it was really nice running into you."

"Thanks for sharing your art with me," Maya returned, surprised to find that she was disappointed that he was leaving.

"Maybe we can look at your art next time," he suggested.

"You think there's going to be a next time?"

"I have a feeling," he offered, cryptically, before heading towards the door.

* * *

 **Edited as of July 26, 2017.**


	23. The Best Intentions

**December 2019**

Christmas is a muted affair, mostly because it's the first Christmas in years that's not spent with her best friend. She'd been invited to tag along to Philadelphia, but it's Shawn's and Katy's first Christmas together and they end up spending it upstate.

The presents aren't overly lavish, but there's something warm about being surrounded by her family. They have a tiny Christmas tree that they decorate in garlands of popcorn and her mother bakes sweets by the dozen. They spend late nights sitting up talking, a fire burning in the fireplace and Christmas carols playing softly in the background.

It's exactly what she spent so many years longing for and she lets her worries and concerns drift to the back of her mind, along with the last traces of her anger at Shawn. It's the season of forgiveness and seeing the smile on her mother's face and the laughter that echoes through the halls, is enough to decide that it was time to let go.

* * *

They're back home before New Year's and Maya finds herself spending her first long chunk of time at the new apartment. She hadn't given much thought to where she considered home. It certainly wasn't the dorm room that she shared with Riley, there was something too impermanent about the place. However, the boxes that still lay unpacked on the floor, suggest that she's not about to call this new apartment home, either.

There's something about approaching a new year that leaves her feeling restless. She'd mostly ignored her failed class through the holidays, although the unsettled feelings been weighing down every quiet moment. Now, she finds herself approaching a new semester and a new set of choices.

She didn't like to plan and besides a basic knowledge that art is the one thing in her life that's brought her any lasting kind of peace, her future has mostly been pieced together by the people around her. Her mother and Riley had insisted on college, as though it wasn't even a choice. Her classes had been planned out by an advisor, who had insisted that she consider all of her options before trying to pursue something as unreliable as art.

She finds herself laying in the middle of her bed and listening to the sound of cars passing outside of her window. It's quieter than it was at the apartment where she had grown up, but the same familiar city sounds, still drift, quietly, through her window. The future is something that stretches out in front of her, filled with uncertainties and, if she's being honest, a fear of the unknown.

Unbidden, the fortune teller's words return to her mind:

 _You have unresolved issues in your past that will need to be resolved before you can truly move forward._

She finds herself digging through the shoebox next to her bed and pulling out the bundle of letters that she hadn't been able to bring herself to read. She finds the already opened one and checks the date before slipping her fingernail under another flap and opening the next one.

Maya's not an overly organized person, but she finds herself sorting them by date, until she's left with a single letter that starts at the very beginning. She thinks of how desperately Olivia had been looking for answers and wonders if anything that she reads could possibly bring them any closure. Their lives had been torn apart through careless choices and they'd somehow managed to force the pieces back into a shape that resembled normal.

She'd let go of her questions a long time ago, accepting that she would never completely understand, or that, maybe, she just didn't want to. But, now, she has Shawn. Now, she has the family that she's always dreamed of having and it gives her the courage to read beyond the first line.

 _My husband's daughter,_

 _Life starts out simple, the mistakes are easily repaired. Right and wrong are absolutes and love and hate abstract concepts that you barely understand. But one day you wake up and everything is so much more complex then you had ever imagined. Love and hate become driving emotions that blur the lines of what you see as right and wrong._

 _I didn't set out to steal your father, though I doubt that many people do. I know that he thinks about you, more then he'll admit to and I think he misses your mother, sometimes, too. He's always been a complicated man and I'm not sure that he's ever thought a choice all the way through._

 _You may never want to know the whole story, but I think you have a right to it. You've always been there in the background of everything that's happened since I married him. A reminder of what our relationship cost and I'm not sure that I would pay the price again._

 _I was eight years old when Kermit Barlow moved in next door. We were living in Nevada at the time, in the town of Mesquite. The weather was always dry and the dirt itself seemed to glow red. Kermit was a transplant from Los Angeles and two years older than me. His parents were the most well-mannered, conservative people that I had ever met and I'm sure I wasn't the only one who wondered how they managed to raise someone as restless as your father._

 _He was resentful over having to transplant his life, although he never really had a problem fitting in. I was an only child and my parents were both busy with work, so I would come home and do my homework, watching him through the window. Watching him race through the streets with his friends. He always looked so completely free, while I felt weighed down by expectations._

 _I wasn't very adventurous and I did well in school, but I was painfully shy and quiet. I probably only said a handful of words to Kermit throughout our younger teenage years, though he was always kind enough to greet me when we would pass each other in the halls. We didn't exactly have the same friends, but the fact that he knew my name forever endeared him to me._

 _He dated more girls then any one person could count and I got the feeling that he was desperately looking for something that he couldn't seem to find. Now, I believe that it was happiness or maybe peace. He had people that surrounded him, that adored him almost as much as I did, but none of them seemed to be enough._

 _The first time that I had a real conversation with him was his graduation night. He played football and had been offered a scholarship to the University of Nevada to play. I'm not sure how his parents felt about it, but he hadn't been nearly as excited as I would have expected him to be._

 _I had been making my way up my driveway, on my way in from my shift at the local movie theater and he was just sitting on the steps of his front porch. He was staring intently at the street, a scowl on his face and his leather jacket on his shoulders, despite the heat. He should have been out partying with the rest of the senior class, but for some reason, he was just sitting there._

 _I was never the one to initiate a conversation, but there was something about that night that made me feel brave. I found myself speaking without even really thinking about what words would come out of my mouth, "Congratulations on the scholarship. I'm sure your parents must be proud."_

 _"Not nearly as proud as they would be if it were based off of academics," he snorted, his eyes scanning over me._

 _Kermit's always had this way of looking at someone, as though he's seeing more then what you want the world to see of you and I couldn't help wondering if all of my insecurities were written out across my uniform._

 _"Are you excited, to be getting out of the house?"_

 _"I haven't decided, yet," he admitted, and when the silence stretched on just long enough to become uncomfortable, I continued on my way towards my front door, assuming that the conversation was over._

 _"Dani?" he called and I found myself spinning around. He was the first person to ever shorten my name and it somehow stuck with me through all of these years, "If people saw the real you, they wouldn't be disappointed."_

 _It was the strangest thing to say and, somehow, it was, also, exactly what I needed to hear. I think I'd been waiting my entire life for someone to really see me and to let me know that who I was, was enough. Kermit was the first person to do that._

 _I'm not telling you all of this to say that I had him first. I've never entirely had him, though I like to believe that I have a part of him that wasn't touched by your birth or his relationship with your mother. However, the truth is that the both of you have parts of him that I'll never touch, either._

 _My point is, that things started out simple. I was the shy girl, who he bothered to notice, and he was the handsome, confidant boy, who lived next door. There was no love, only interest and infatuation. He went off to play football and I stayed home and decided to try out for the school play the following year. We didn't set out to hurt anyone, but life has a way of getting out of your control._

 _I imagine that it's one of those lessons that, one day, you'll learn yourself._

 _Dani_

* * *

"You're back," Olivia commented, sinking down into the seat across from Maya.

"Yeah, my mother had to get back to work and Shawn's leaving next week," Maya replied, looking up from the napkin that she had been mindlessly drawing on. There's something off about Olivia, in the bloodshot eyes and the dark shadows that circle them, but she's wearing a bright smile, "How was your Christmas?"

Olivia's smile seemed to falter for half a second, but she answered confidently, "It was wonderful."

Maya waited for her to continue on, but Olivia's eyes dropped to the table and it became apparent that she wasn't going to elaborate on her brief statement.

"I thought you might want to read these," Maya offered, grabbing the bundle of letters from the seat next to her and sliding them across the table.

"The letters Dad wrote to you?" Olivia asked, looking at Maya in confusion.

"Dad didn't write them," Maya admitted.

"I don't understand."

"Your mother wanted the chance to explain what happened. It's got the answers that you wanted," Maya assured her.

Olivia looked at the pile of letters, her hands not moving to claim them, "Did they make you feel any better about things?"

"Not really," Maya admitted, thinking about the story that had unfolded through each one. She'd never wanted to look at the woman who had raised a family with her father as anything other than the enemy, but her words had forced Maya to look at Danielle in a new light.

"Then, I don't want them," Olivia stood up from the table, replacing the sunglasses perched on her head to her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Maya felt the need to say, as Olivia finished collecting her things.

"Fine," Olivia replied. There was something incredibly familiar about the way that the phrase fell from Olivia's mouth, but Maya couldn't quite place it.

* * *

She gets invited to celebrate New Year's Eve with Lucas, but she ends up turning down the invitation. There's no way that Lucas's celebration won't involve alcohol and she's not sure that she trusts herself around it.

There's no one to kiss at midnight and she's holed up in her dorm when the clock strikes twelve. She expects that spending such a big holiday by herself would feel lonely, but she finds herself enjoying the quiet. She pulls out her paints and creates her own fireworks with a piece of canvas that has been, in her closet, waiting for inspiration.

It's the first thing she's drawn that isn't a map in months and she can't help having a little bit of hope for the new year.

* * *

 **January 2020**

Riley returns the following day, picking up life in their dorm, as though she'd never left. They spend her first night back sharing stories of their holidays and it's the first time that Maya really feels like she's connecting with Riley, in a really long time. They've been living together for months and Maya's surprised to realize that despite the physical proximity, she's really missed her.

"Did you sleep last night?" Riley questioned, stretching as she sat up in her bed.

"I've been blocked for months, I'm not going to risk losing the inspiration, now," Maya replied, not bothering to look up from the picture that she had spent most of the night working on.

"You sound like Josh," Riley complained, pulling her hair back from her face with an elastic and checking her phone for messages.

"Oh?" Maya asked, trying not to sound too interested and probably failing horribly.

"He spent the entire break writing, it drove Bethany crazy," Riley revealed, replacing the phone on her nightstand, as she moved in the direction of the bathroom.

Maya waited until Riley had returned to ask her next question, "When are they leaving?"

"They're already gone. They left yesterday morning," Riley replied, burrowing back under her covers, as she returned to her bed.

Maya knows that she shouldn't be surprised by the news, but she finds herself struck by it, anyway. She'd at least expected that Josh would say goodbye, although she's not sure why.

She turned back to her painting and tried to forget everything else.

* * *

The problem with moving between her dorm room and the room she has at her parent's place, is that things always get lost in the transfer. She moved back to her dorm and somehow managed to forget her favorite pair of boots, which led to a trip back across town to search for the mentioned item.

She ignores a call from Lucas, something that she's found herself doing more and more often through the holidays, as she slipped her key into the apartment door and made her way into the front room. Her mother was working at _Topanga's_ and the absence of Shawn's motorcycle keys on the kitchen counter, suggests that he's out of the house, too. He's supposed to be leaving the next week and she knows that it's going to be a strain on her mother.

They'd put Shawn's cabin up for sell January first and Maya had felt an incredible wave of guilt at her own contribution to their financial problems. Especially, when she hadn't even passed one of the classes that they had helped her to pay for.

It's one of the reasons why she had dropped half of her classes for the spring semester. She needs a break from the lectures and the concepts that mean nothing to her. So, she'd signed up for several art classes and was hoping that she'd figure out what direction to take her life in. She was also hoping that she could find a part-time job that would help her to pay her own way.

She wasn't in any particular hurry, so she paused to fold the blanket that had been left out on the couch and raided the refrigerator, before making her way to her room. It took her several minutes of searching before she found the shoes shoved under her bed. It's as she's getting up, that she notices the pile of mail that her mother has set in the middle of her bedspread. Most of it is junk, she discovers, as she starts to flip through it. There's a couple of magazines and catalogs, which are left over from before Christmas. Maya was one of those people who enjoyed the perfume samples and so her mother tended to pass those along.

She'd almost given up on finding anything of interest, when she finds herself pulling out a postcard that had been stuck between a letter from the college and a magazine that's cover image was a bunch of carefully arranged candles. She hadn't actually received a postcard in years and she stared blankly at it for a moment before she thinks to turn it over and check the message on the back.

 _Because you can't be surrounded by the most beautiful art in the world and not think about Maya Hart._

The handwriting was Josh's and she turned the picture over again, studying the painting. The back informs her that it's titled, "The Birth of Venus," and she finds herself wondering what the meaning behind it is because Josh overthinks everything and there was no way he had just picked out a random postcard and sent it. Although, she does find herself wishing that she could tease him about the nude woman in the picture.

The postcard goes in her back pocket, the shoes are placed on her feet, and she's headed out before she allows her thoughts to go any further.

* * *

Riley and Maya don't talk about Lucas. Riley's never come out and said that the topic is off-limits and Maya's pretty sure that if she decided to bring it up, Riley would listen, but it's one of the things that they just don't talk about. That doesn't stop Maya from strongly suspecting that Riley is getting updates from somewhere else.

"You want to hear a good Riley story?" Zay asks, as she sits watching him cook. His apartment had never been a hang-out spot when they were in high school, but Maya had found herself spending more and more time with him, as she'd discovered that she missed having someone to cook for her.

He tended to come home on the weekends to do laundry, insisting that it was easier then fighting with the people in his building for use of the washer and dryer, although Maya was pretty sure that he just liked letting his mother do it for him.

"I live with her, what could you possible know that I don't?" Maya pointed out, grabbing one of the carrots that he was chopping, off of the cutting board and popping it into her mouth.

"I talk to Farkle," he admitted and Maya found herself interested, despite her best efforts not to be.

"Is this a good Farkle _and_ Riley story?" Maya questioned, trying to act nonchalant, but able to tell from the smirk on his face that he knew he had captured his audience.

Maya knew that Riley and Farkle talked pretty consistently and chances were that if Riley received a text message, half the time it was from him. However, she hadn't felt comfortable pressing Riley on what kind of relationship they had, exactly.

"She tried speed dating last week," he offered and Maya nearly choked on the carrot she was chewing.

"Speed dating?"

"Apparently, her best one involved a mortician who asked her if she had any dying relatives," Zay informed her, smacking her hand as she reached for another carrot.

"Sounds like a keeper," Maya joked, unsure of what she was supposed to say to that. The group dynamics had gotten weirder and weirder the older they got and Maya was never entirely sure who knew what.

"How are you and Lucas?" he abruptly changed the subject, turning to scrape the vegetables he had been cutting into a pot of boiling water.

"Why do I get the feeling that the entire Riley story was leading up to this question?" Maya dodged it, staring intently at the counter top, as she tried to avoid eye contact.

"I've seen you and Lucas together and neither of you look like a young couple in love," he pointed out, bluntly.

"We're fine," Maya snapped, her tone letting him know that this topic of conversation was over.

"Okay, as long as you're happy," Zay backed off, moving his dishes into the sink.

"Are you happy? Doing the culinary thing?" Maya questioned.

"I get to cook every day and I'm around people who are just as passionate about food as I am," Zay replied, his eyes lighting up as he talked.

"You don't feel like you're missing out on the traditional college experience?"

"I know what I want to do with my life and this is the best way to get there. Why would I take a bunch of classes that have nothing to do with cooking, when I can go out and pursue the thing that I love?"

Maya doesn't have an answer.

* * *

Knowing what to expect, makes the first day of classes a lot easier. She doesn't worry about getting lost and stepping into a lecture hall and seeing the projection of a Van Gogh painting, immediately sends a wave of peace through her. This is something that she understands, that makes sense. She takes a seat on the front row and pulls out a pen, not bothering to look at the faces of the people who are coming in after her.

"What a coincidence," someone comments, sliding into the seat next to her. The smell of cigarette smoke gives him away before she can look up and confirm his identity.

"I didn't know you went here," Maya said, crossing her legs and looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

The professor started talking before he could answer and Maya's attention snapped to the front of the room. Listening to his brief introduction of himself and what they could expect out of the course.

"If you should need any help this semester, you can look to me, or to my fantastic TA, Liam Vaughn," the teacher announced and Maya's eyes snapped over to him in shock.

* * *

 **Edited July 26, 2017.**


	24. In The Beginning

**Previously on** ** _Heat Stroke:_**

 _My husband's daughter,_

 _Life starts out simple, the mistakes are easily repaired. Right and wrong are absolutes and love and hate abstract concepts that you barely understand. But one day you wake up and everything is so much more complex then you had ever imagined. Love and hate become driving emotions that blur the lines of what you see as right and wrong._

 _"Dani?" he called and I found myself spinning around. He was the first person to ever shorten my name and it somehow stuck with me through all of these years, "If people saw the real you, they wouldn't be disappointed."_

 _It was the strangest thing to say and, somehow, it was, also, exactly what I needed to hear. I think I'd been waiting my entire life for someone to really see me and to let me know that who I was, was enough. Kermit was the first person to do that._

 _I'm not telling you all of this to say that I had him first. I've never entirely had him, though I like to believe that I have a part of him that wasn't touched by your birth or his relationship with your mother. However, the truth is that the both of you have parts of him that I'll never touch, either._

 _My point is, that things started out simple. I was the shy girl, who he bothered to notice, and he was the handsome, confidant boy, who lived next door. There was no love, only interest and infatuation. He went off to play football and I stayed home and decided to try out for the school play the following year. We didn't set out to hurt anyone, but life has a way of getting out of your control._

 _I imagine that it's one of those lessons that, one day, you'll learn yourself._

 _Dani_

* * *

"You're back," Olivia commented, sinking down into the seat across from Maya.

"Yeah, my mother had to get back to work and Shawn's leaving next week," Maya replied, looking up from the napkin that she had been mindlessly drawing on. There's something off about Olivia, in the bloodshot eyes and the dark shadows that circle them, but she's wearing a bright smile, "How was your Christmas?"

Olivia's smile seemed to falter for half a second, but she answered confidently, "It was wonderful."

"Did you sleep last night?" Riley questioned, stretching as she sat up in her bed.

"I've been blocked for months, I'm not going to risk losing the inspiration, now," Maya replied, not bothering to look up from the picture that she had spent most of the night working on.

"You sound like Josh," Riley complained, pulling her hair back from her face with an elastic and checking her phone for messages.

"Oh?" Maya asked, trying not to sound too interested and probably failing horribly.

"He spent the entire break writing, it drove Bethany crazy," Riley revealed, replacing the phone on her nightstand, as she moved in the direction of the bathroom.

Maya waited until Riley had returned to ask her next question, "When are they leaving?"

"They're already gone. They left yesterday morning," Riley replied, burrowing back under her covers, as she returned to her bed.

* * *

She'd almost given up on finding anything of interest, when she finds herself pulling out a postcard that had been stuck between a letter from the college and a magazine that's cover image was a bunch of carefully arranged candles. She hadn't actually received a postcard in years and she stared blankly at it for a moment before she thinks to turn it over and check the message on the back.

 _Because you can't be surrounded by the most beautiful art in the world and not think about Maya Hart._

The handwriting was Josh's and she turned the picture over again, studying the painting. The back informs her that it's titled, "The Birth of Venus," and she finds herself wondering what the meaning behind it is because Josh overthinks everything and there was no way he had just picked out a random postcard and sent it. Although, she does find herself wishing that she could tease him about the nude woman in the picture.

The postcard goes in her back pocket, the shoes are placed on her feet, and she's headed out before she allows her thoughts to go any further.

* * *

"What a coincidence," someone comments, sliding into the seat next to her. The smell of cigarette smoke gives him away before she can look up and confirm his identity.

"I didn't know you went here," Maya said, crossing her legs and looking at him out of the corner of her eye.

The professor started talking before he could answer and Maya's attention snapped to the front of the room. Listening to his brief introduction of himself and what they could expect out of the course.

"If you should need any help this semester, you can look to me, or to my fantastic TA, Liam Vaughn," the teacher announced and Maya's eyes snapped over to him in shock.

* * *

"How are you and Lucas?" Zay abruptly changed the subject, turning to scrape the vegetables he had been cutting into a pot of boiling water.

"Why do I get the feeling that the entire Riley story was leading up to this question?" Maya dodged it, staring intently at the counter top, as she tried to avoid eye contact.

"I've seen you and Lucas together and neither of you look like a young couple in love," Zay pointed out, bluntly.

"We're fine," Maya snapped, her tone letting him know that this topic of conversation was over.

"Okay, as long as you're happy," Zay backed off, moving his dishes into the sink.

"Are you happy? Doing the culinary thing?" Maya questioned.

"I get to cook every day and I'm around people who are just as passionate about food as I am," Zay replied, his eyes lighting up as he talked.

"You don't feel like you're missing out on the traditional college experience?"

"I know what I want to do with my life and this is the best way to get there. Why would I take a bunch of classes that have nothing to do with cooking, when I can go out and pursue the thing that I love?"

Maya doesn't have an answer.

* * *

 **January 2020**

"Are you happy, Riles?" Maya can't help asking, as she stares intently at the ceiling up above her. Zay's words had been running through her mind since their last conversation and she can't help the feeling that something in her life needs to change.

"What do you mean?" Riley's words come out muffled and contorted with sleep.

"With where you are right now, with life, are you happy?" Maya clarified, turning over onto her side.

"Sometimes," Riley offered, lapsing into silence before she offered a question of her own, "Are you?"

"I don't know," Maya admitted, but Riley had already fallen back to sleep.

Maya's not a morning person and Riley's already gone by the time she gets herself out of bed the next morning. She had a drying canvas, leaning against one wall and she has to step over several piles of shoes on her way to the bathroom, which she's sure Riley will lecture her on the next chance that she gets.

The biggest struggle they'd had when it came to living together was Riley's organization and Maya's lack-thereof. Maya kicked the shoes under her bed and turned to her closet, pulling out a pair of ripped, denim jeans and a t-shirt. She has class in an hour and has given herself just enough time to stop and grab breakfast, though it's closer to lunch.

Maya pulled Josh's sweatshirt over her t-shirt and grabbed her backpack on her way out the door. The snow had mostly melted outside, although she's pretty sure that Riley had said something about a storm coming at the end of the week. Maya was never one to dress appropriately for the weather, anyway.

She wrapped her arms around herself, as the wind cut straight through her jeans, and increased her pace, knowing that heat was just several blocks away.

She nearly turned around when she saw the only other occupant of the coffee place that had somehow become her college hangout, despite the fact that she used it for meetings she didn't want to make public.

"You want your usual?" the man behind the counter questioned and Maya gave him a nod, trying to ignore the gaze of the man sitting in her usual table.

"Maya?" he questioned, his voice pleading.

"What are you doing here?" Maya returned, trying to keep her voice even and failing miserably.

"Olivia told me that you read Dani's letters. I didn't even know that they existed up until a week ago and I guess I just needed to see if they changed anything," Kermit admitted.

"You cheated on my mother," Maya felt the need to say, staring intently at the boots on her feet, though she didn't feel any of the anger that she expected. She wondered if the cold weather had somehow managed to numb her emotions.

"I did," he agreed and something in his voice kept Maya stuck to the space that she was standing in.

"Do you want your order to go?" the cashier questioned, looking uncertainly between the two customers.

Maya found Danielle's letters running through her head, as the question hung in the air.

 _My husband's daughter,_

 _If there's a year that I won't forget, it's the beginning of 1997. Hurricane Nora hit Mesquite that year, the first hurricane to hit our hometown since 1930. Although, the real storm came in the form of Kalvin Barlow, Kermit's father, and your grandfather. Kermit had gotten kicked off of the football team, his scholarship revoked, after failing a drug test._

 _To this day, he swears that he was set up and there's a part of me that believes him. When he returned, disgraced, to Mesquite, he didn't have a drug problem. He moved back in with his parents and the fighting was loud enough to be heard from all the way next door. He got a job working at a gas station and after the initial shock had died down, life went on._

 _I don't know how much I had expected a year of college to change him, but it hadn't. There was a harder edge to him, something less carefree, that hadn't been there before, but he was otherwise unchanged. He was wild and reckless and I think it was about this point that he started growing his hair out and girls started making plenty of excuses to stop by the gas station. I didn't know it at the time, but it was around this time that he'd started performing at bars around the area. Back then, he was a solo act, but it didn't stay that way for long._

 _If Kermit was mostly the same, I definitely wasn't. When it comes to acting, it's all about who you know. A lesson your mother happened to learn the hard way. I had always been the quiet, shy, girl who sat in the back of the class and didn't speak unless she was called on. I'd been given a role in the chorus, the Winter musical of my sophomore year. However, this year brought a new drama teacher, who didn't know any of us well enough to care who our parents were. In a decision that would never have happened the year before, I landed the lead, and it altered the course I had been traveling forever._

 _The drama kids weren't exactly thrilled at the outsider who invaded their way of life and I know that more than one set of parents were outraged at her decision, but that teacher had seen something in me, and I chose to see it in myself, too. I chose to believe in myself and that belief is what carried me through my life._

 _By the time that Kermit returned home, I was still quiet, but most of the town had seen me singing and acting on stage, and I was no longer invisible._

 _I was not one of the girls who flocked to the gas station to fawn over your father. Between my newly discovered passion for acting and musical theater and the heavy load of honors and advanced classes I was taking, I had little time for boys._

 _My father was a used car salesman and my mother was a bank teller. They both worked long hours and made enough money to get by, but, as is the nature of teenagers, I had decided that I wanted much more out life then what they had given me. I wanted an education and I wanted to be someone memorable, someone who would leave her own mark on history. We have lofty dreams when we're young, but they colored most of my actions._

 _"You seem different," Kermit had commented, from where he was seated on his own porch steps. I was headed up the walkway and the weather was still far too cold to be spending excessive time outside, but I stopped anyway._

 _"Someone told me that it was okay to stop hiding who I am, I took it to heart," I admitted, taking in the defeated expression on his face._

 _"Well, you turned out beautiful, Dani," he offered, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips._

 _It was the first time that a boy had ever called me beautiful and I looked down to avoid letting him see the blush that was undoubtedly heating up my face. While I was struggling to regain my composure, a car pulled up to the curb, and a blonde rolled down the window._

 _"You coming, Kermit?" she questioned, a smile crossing her overly made-up face._

 _"Of course," he snorted, getting up from the step and grabbing the guitar case that I hadn't even noticed sitting behind him._

 _He looked back once, just before he slid into the passenger seat of the car and our eyes locked, but I think I gave up on anything romantic happening between us in that moment. I wasn't going to be just another girl for him to use and discard. Our entire story could have ended there, but it didn't._

 _It wasn't even a week later when the arguing became loud enough to be heard from next door. Kermit's father had a nasty temper and a loud voice. I could only pick up bits and pieces of the words being yelled, but they were derogatory, the kind of words that you use to tear someone down with the intention that they never get up again._

 _And then your grandfather did something that I wasn't expecting and he kicked Kermit out of his childhood home. I can remember going to the window and watching as Kermit hurried down the front steps, as his father tossed out his jacket and guitar case. Your grandmother was hovering in the background, crying, probably trying to calm her husband down, but whatever Kermit had done was the last straw._

 _"You had a future, Kermit, if you could have just stuck with the plan," your grandfather hissed, disappearing back into the house, before he shoved passed his wife, holding a bundle of papers. He started tearing them in half and it was the first time that I had ever seen Kermit look anything close to vulnerable. His face was devastated and his hands almost unconsciously reached out, despite being out of range to stop his father from shredding the papers, "You had a scholarship, you had a chance, and you just threw it all away. You lost your scholarship and we let you back into our home, only to have you pull this."_

 _"Dad," Kermit had pleaded, taking a step forward._

 _"Not this time. This time you're on your own, you have to find your own way," your grandfather said, resolutely, refusing to look at Kermit, as he let the remaining papers fall to the floor._

 _"Mom?" Kermit turned to her and I watched, as she looked between her husband and son, too upset to even form words._

 _"Come back when you've got your life in order, when you've done something other than waste the air that you breathe," your grandfather had finished, pulling your grandmother with him back into the house and slamming the door._

 _Kermit took the time to stop and gather the pieces of paper, shoving them into his guitar case, before he got into the beat-up car he'd been driving around since he got back and pulled away from the house. I thought it was the last time that I would ever see him and in that moment, I was completely convinced that I was in love with him._

 _I wasn't, the love wouldn't come until much later, but it's easy to get caught up in feelings when you're young, to confuse love and pity and gratitude._

 _The next morning, bags of Kermit's things found their way to the side of the road. I packed all of them up in the back of my car and headed for the gas station. I think he was surprised when I made my way through the front door and stopped directly in front of him. He'd been stocking a shelf with chips and he raised an eyebrow._

 _"I've got your things in the back of my car," I admitted, suddenly feeling incredibly foolish under his gaze._

 _"I get a break in fifteen minutes," he replied, turning back to his work._

 _I walked out of the gas station, mentally berating myself for getting involved in Kermit's mess. He was going to think that I was another one of his adoring fans and if he'd wanted his things, he could have sent one of his friends to get them. Two short conversations, hardly qualified me as someone who should collect his belongings and bring them to him._

 _I was hitting my head against the steering wheel when he knocked on the window. It was the second time that I thought I was going to die of embarrassment, but I just closed my eyes and sucked in a breath, before turning to see the smirk that was resting on his face._

 _I reached down and opened the trunk with the lever on the floor, planning on letting him collect his things and keeping the rest of our interaction to a minimal, but he simply opened the car door that I should have had the good sense to lock._

 _"You going to help me?" he questioned, gesturing towards the back of my car._

 _"I thought I already did," I pointed out, folding my arms across my chest._

 _"Did my parents ask you to do this?" he asked, looking away from me, in a moment of naked vulnerability._

 _"No, they left it at the curb," I admitted, sliding out of the car._

 _I hadn't anticipated how close we would end up being when I stood up straight, but my forehead was suddenly level with his chin and I could smell the fabric softener of his t-shirt. I wasn't entirely sure how he could smell so clean after spending the night wherever he had, but I got caught up in the closeness anyway._

 _His hand reached out and brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and my head snapped up to look at him in surprise._

 _"I ruin everything that I touch," he confessed, his voice low._

 _"Not everything," I shrugged, brushing passed him, as I moved to my trunk._

 _Most of his clothes were in garbage bags, mixed with other things that had been in his room. He had to carry most of it because it was far too heavy for me to carry on my own and too soon the task was done._

 _"I guess this is it," I shrugged, closing the back of my car and turning to look at him._

 _"You sing, right?" he questioned, suddenly and completely out of the blue._

 _"I was the lead of the school musical, so I sure hope so," I snorted, folding my arms across my chest._

 _"Well, I happen to need someone who can sing," he admitted and I'm pretty sure I nearly laughed._

 _"Sing what?"_

 _"I'm starting a band," he replied, looking as though it was a completely normal idea. Maybe it was for nineteen-year-old, college dropout, "And we just had to fire our lead singer, Carmen."_

 _"The blonde?" I clarified, raising an eyebrow._

 _"She had the right image, but she just didn't have the talent," he shrugged._

 _"I sing show tunes," I felt the need to remind him, keeping my voice slow, so that he could properly understand what I meant, "And I'm buys with school and drama, I don't really have time for anything else."_

 _"Just think about it," Kermit suggested, grabbing my hand and writing something in the palm of it. When he returned it, I realized that it was a phone number, "I'm staying with our drummer, so call me, if you change your mind."_

 _I could pretend that I ended up calling him because I had believed that I was madly in love with him at the time and I'm sure that played a role in it, but there was a very different reason why I ended up making that phone call. There was something inside of me that had been waiting for the chance at an adventure, to do something that my parent's would disapprove of. Kermit gave me an out of the mundane life that I was living and I chose to take it._

 _I've chosen him over normalcy, over the right thing, a million times since then. I'm sure you probably hate me for it, but this was just the beginning of our story and we still have a very long way to go._

 _-Dani_

It had been Olivia that was desperate for the story of Kermit, Katy, and Danielle, though she'd turned it away when Maya had offered it to her. Maya's not entirely sure when the two sisters had switched roles, but it's the desire to have a complete picture of what happened that leads to her answer, "I'll stay."

 **I'm sorry for how short this chapter is. I ended up losing my original draft and had to rewrite it, which greatly delayed getting it out. My life has been completely crazy since school started and it ended up being a lot more work then what I planned on, but I am getting closer and closer to completing my CNA class and once that's done, regular updates will return. I would love it if you would leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	25. Sins of the Parents

**January 2020**

"You cheated on my Mom," Maya offered, leaning back in her seat, as she struggled to process the turn that her morning had suddenly taken.

She figured that being blunt was the best way to tackle this situation. She needed to keep enough distance that her own emotions couldn't get involved.

"Yeah, I did," he agreed, folding his arms in front of him, "I was a mess and your mother knew that the both of you deserved better, but Dani, she didn't expect things of me, she was always just happy with whatever I would give her."

"That doesn't exactly reflect well on you," Maya pointed out.

"Not much of my life does."

They lapsed into an awkward silence and Maya took a sip of her drink. Kermit wasn't aging well. The framework of the man that had contributed to her genetics was still there, but there was something in the way his skin seemed too thin and the wrinkles in his face had become more pronounced. He was becoming a product of his lifestyle and it was a cautionary tale if she'd ever seen one.

She couldn't help comparing him to the Kermit in Dani's memories.

 _My husband's daughter,_

 _Like any cliché startup band, we practiced in a garage. It's always hot in Nevada, but that garage kept me on the verge of heat exhaustion through every practice. And we practiced often._

 _There were five of us all together; your father and I, Leah Donavan, who played the keyboard, and Chris Price, who played the drums. We didn't have very much in common, except for the music. It was clear that the only reason I was there was because they trusted Kermit._

 _This was Kermit's last chance; the last thing that was going to get him out of this town and that would let him make a name for himself. Kermit's first love will always be music. I wish you could have seen his passion, the way he came alive whenever we would play. It was as though this was the very reason that he had been born and I've always felt that it was a privilege that I got to see him like that._

 _He wrote most of our music, along with Chris. Leah would contribute on occasion, too, but I felt completely out of my league when it came to writing about my feelings. I was, also, busy with school and completing my senior year. I don't think that I ever imagined that we would ever get anywhere._

 _Our first gig was at a bar. I found out that we had it the week before we were supposed to go on and there was absolutely no way that my parents would ever let me do this. I was too afraid to voice my concerns, but Kermit seemed to automatically know, anyway._

 _He waited until our practice had finished before following me out to my car._

 _"You're having second thoughts," he'd commented, not even phrasing it as a question._

 _"I'm still in high school," I reminded him, "I still live at home with my parents and they have expectations for me."_

 _"Look, Dani, if you want out, I won't try to stop you. You can get married, have a van full of babies and sing in the church choir. But, you're incredible. Watching you sing is practically a religious experience; it's what brings you to life. You don't have to want this as much as we do, but, Dani, your voice is wasted on this town."_

 _"I don't understand you," I sighed, leaning back against the edge of my car, "We've never been friends, not really, but you still believe in me more than I've ever believed in myself."_

 _"I envy you," he admitted, running a hand through his hair._

 _"What?"_

 _"Your mother brags about you every chance that she gets, have you noticed?" he paused, as I shook my head, "I used to watch you, trying to see what she saw and then one day I did. You don't need to stand out, to be the center of attention, your content to just be. I'm not sure that I've had a single content moment in my entire life, where I haven't wanted something more, something better. So, you can imagine my surprise to come home and realize that not only are you content, but under that quiet exterior, you've been hiding someone extraordinary."_

 _"I think you have me confused with someone else," I laughed, "I want things, Kermit. I want to be someone, I want adventure. I'm just not as forceful as you when it comes to going out and getting it."_

 _He looked at me and I couldn't meet his gaze under the intensity. I still don't know what he saw, what he sees, but his lips just pulled into his careless smirk and he shrugged. He leaned against the car next to me, our shoulders brushing and I pretended not to notice._

 _"You're chasing reality and I'll always chase fantasy," he offered, as though that somehow explained all of it. I think it does now._

 _"I'm going to have to sneak out. Can you get me a ride?" I questioned and a smile lit up his entire face._

 _"I'll get you there," he promised, bumping his shoulder against mine, before he turned back towards the garage._

 _Things start to blur together after that. There were a string of bars and I got far more adventure then what I bargained for. Chris had a van and we learned pretty quickly that it was best if we all drove together. Walking across the parking lot was a terrifying experience, even with your father by my side._

 _I was so terrified that word of what I was doing would somehow get back to my parents, that I was careful to never give my name. We used to joke about stage names, but I mostly remained anonymous._

 _Graduation was fast approaching and I had applied to more colleges then I could count, but it was around this point that I started to realize just how much I had come to love singing. Kermit's passion was contagious and somewhere along the way I'd come to need the rush of being on stage, just as much as I needed to breathe. None of my other dreams seemed as important as this one._

 _We didn't talk about the future. All of us lived in the moment and enjoyed every second like it just might be our last. When you're young, there's a part of you that thinks you're immortal; that nothing could ever touch you. We were never going to age based on sheer willpower._

 _My parents were pushing for me to make a decision on college, but I wasn't ready to commit to anything. The band was finally starting to gain a following and we were all ready to follow Kermit to the ends of the earth and maybe beyond._

 _It was the biggest night of our career. There was a talent scout out in the audience and the tension was starting to get to all of us. Kermit had been snapping at everyone and Chris couldn't seem to sit still. It was Leah who suggested they needed something to take the edge off._

 _I never got into the drugs and alcohol scene, though the others did. I pretended not to notice because it was easier than admitting that I didn't approve. Kermit found the entire thing incredibly amusing and I know there was plenty of joking behind my back about how young and innocent I was._

 _I don't think Kermit had gone beyond recreational use, but I'd seen what the drugs and alcohol did to people who I'd once respected and there was no way that I was going on stage with them if they were high._

 _One day you'll look back on your life and you'll realize the big moments; the ones that define you as a person. This was one of mine._

 _I walked away and the band went on without me. They ended up with a recording contract and my father had to pick me up on a street corner. Needless to say, he wasn't happy._

 _I was ready to hate your father, but he called me that night to make sure that I made it home safely. I think I might have loved him then, but it was the kind of love that was attached to heartbreak. I went back to my ordinary life, while Kermit was the one to take on the role of extraordinary._

 _Most of the time, I think I made the right choice. If I'd stayed, I would have forever remained in your father's shadow, never to take on a life and career of my own. However, your father never would have met your mother. I guess it doesn't matter much, now._

 _-Dani_

Maya blinked and snapped herself out of the memory. Kermit didn't appear concerned at all by the silence and she found herself wondering what he was really doing here.

"I know what happened between you and Danielle and my mom, but I don't know why you ended up deciding to get clean," Maya finally said, leaning back in her seat.

"The first time, it was for you. I wanted a life with you and your mother, I wanted to do things right. But, then, I couldn't find a job and I let myself slip. I was on and off the wagon for years after that."

"And now?"

"Dani and I lost a baby and we were pretty messed up for a long time after that. She needed me in a way that she's never needed me before and I couldn't be there for her if I wasn't sober. So, I got sober and I removed the temptations. I've tried to pull my family back together to the best of my ability. It isn't perfect, but we're trying," he replied.

"Why did you lie about donating a kidney?" Maya demanded.

"I know that I've never done the right thing when it comes to you or to your mother. I finally had a chance to do something that might make up for what I've done, just a little bit. And I was scared; scared of what your mother would say when I told her that it wasn't me donating a kidney, but my daughter, scared that she would refuse. I knew that if I could just get there with Olivia, she'd give in."

"But Dani stopped you," Maya filled in the rest of the story.

"It wasn't anything against you, she just didn't want me using our daughter to fix my own mistakes. It probably doesn't help much, but I am sorry. I don't know what I would have done if there hadn't been someone there to help you," his voice broke off and Maya watched the emotion flicker across his face.

"I've got to get to class," Maya stood up, grabbing her drink from the table. She tossed it into the nearest garbage and then turned to head towards the door, before one last question came to her, "What was the point of all this? Of coming to see me?"

"I guess I just wanted to see you all grown up and alive."

"So, you can pretend that I was better off without you? That leaving my mother and putting the one woman who was willing to put up with you through years of endless misery was the right choice? You're not my father, Kermit. You told Danielle, once, that you broke everything that you touched. You were right," Maya spun on her heel, leaving him behind.

Maya can barely concentrate in her lecture. Her body's there, but her minds trying to process the encounter with her father. She was supposed to feel better after confronting him and laying out all of her feelings and anger. Every time that she'd tried to forgive him, she'd learned something new that had brought all those ugly feelings back.

The resentment and anger and hate were going to eat her alive and she knew it was only a matter of time, but she couldn't let go. She hadn't figured out how.

She could hear Riley's voice in her mind, telling her that she was going in circles; letting the past continue to hurt her, even when it was already over and done with.

Maya blinks and the class is over. There's still several students talking to the teacher in the front of room and Liam is looking at her with a curious expression on his face, but she'd clearly missed her cue to dart from the classroom.

She shoved her empty notebook back into her bag and pulled it over her shoulder, turning to go.

"Everything okay?" Liam questioned, following her towards the exit.

"Fine," Maya offered, trying to shove her feelings down deep enough that she could give a convincing performance.

"Okay," he shrugged, clearly not believing her, but not going to press. She's so used to people pressing that she has to bite back the automatic response on the tip of her tongue.

"You told me that you were working in SoHo, you never mentioned going here," Maya pointed out, when it became clear that they were headed in the same direction.

"I'm doing this as a favor to a friend and the gallery doesn't require that my art is actually created in SoHo," he replied and Maya got the feeling that this was a topic she shouldn't press, either.

"You never mentioned how you knew the Friars'," Maya tried another route.

He ducked down a staircase and Maya followed him, wondering if he was going to even bother answering.

"Smart people don't mention any association to them at all," he snorted, "But I probably don't have to tell you how messed up their family is, you are dating their son."

"Lucas isn't like them," Maya automatically defended him.

He pushed open the door leading outside and Maya followed him out into the abandoned courtyard. She felt like she had just plunged herself into ice water, but she forced herself not to react to the elements, as she waited for his answer. He pulled out his package of cigarettes and Maya winced at the smell, as he lit one.

"You really think that their actions and influence aren't going to impact him? You smoke for long enough and you're going to get some kind of cancer. He's spent his entire life in that messed up environment and he's choosing to stick around there. Maybe, he's not like them, now, but give it a few years," Liam blew out a cloud of smoke that hovered in the frigid air, "Nature or nurture, it doesn't matter because it all comes from them, anyway. We're products of the people that made us."

 _My husband's daughter,_

 _There will be people in your life who you write off. You're convinced that you'll never see them again and then, out of the blue, they'll suddenly be there._

 _Kermit showed up at my graduation._

 _I hadn't talked to him since the night that I had walked out on the band, though I wasn't really expecting to. I'd had the adventure that I was searching for and then found myself back in reality. It wasn't nearly as dazzling, but it was safe._

 _I had plans to work for a year before going off to college. I'd spent all of my life dying to leave, but I suddenly found myself apprehensive over the giant world that was spread out before me. I, also, had no idea what I actually wanted to do with my life. I loved to sing, but there weren't a lot of careers that were going to get me anywhere on my voice, alone._

 _He caught me as I was leaving the high school, on my way to search for my parents. I'd had to go pick up my yearbook and they were already out in the car, but Kermit pulled me aside and it didn't really take a ton of convincing._

 _He didn't look like he was sleeping well, but he was groomed and he almost looked respectable. I can remember receiving plenty of stares and a few glares, as my classmates realized who was pulling me away from the crowd and to a more secluded area of the school._

 _"What are you doing here?" I asked, as he dropped my hand and left several feet of space between us._

 _"I just wanted to thank you," he stared intently at the ground and it was the least sure that I had ever seen him._

 _"For what?"_

 _"We would never be where we are now, if it wasn't for you. What happened that night was wrong; you were one of us and we shouldn't have ever put you in that situation."_

 _"It all worked out, didn't it?" I offered, not wanting to deal with this situation. He felt like he was suddenly a million miles away from me and I had this feeling of being left behind._

 _"I don't sing as well as you do," he assured me._

 _"Well, you're the one with a record deal," I reminded him._

 _"You'll do well in college. You're smart and you'll be able to handle the class load. You don't have any limits or restrictions; the entire world is in front of you."_

 _I think he'd probably rehearsed most of this. At the time, I thought he was trying to make himself feel better for what had happened, but I know differently, now. In his pursuit for happiness or peace or freedom; he'd put himself on a course that would keep him from all three. And, I think he's just started to realize what the drugs, alcohol, and fame would do to him, but he didn't have anything else._

 _"I'm not leaving. I'm going to work for a year and then make a decision on college," I replied, folding my arms across my chest._

 _"What?" he looked up and surprise flashed across his face._

 _"It's not a big deal," I shrugged it off._

 _"If you don't get out of here, you'll be stuck," his eyes burned into mine, "You need to get out of here and live your life."_

 _"That's easy for you to say," I pointed out, "College is expensive and I haven't figured out what I want, yet. I have time."_

 _"If you're not careful, you'll end up with way too much of it."_

 _"I'm going to be fine, Kermit. Congratulations on the deal, you worked really hard for it," I squeezed his arm, before turning to go and find my parents._

 _A word of advice; when you're leaving something behind, don't look back. It has a way of pulling you back in._

 _I spent the summer waiting tables and working at the movie theater. It wasn't fun work, but my savings account appreciated it. I gained a new appreciation for what Kermit must have felt like working at the gas station. You're suddenly stuck watching other peoples' lives moving forward, while you're standing still. He would have felt like a caged animal._

 _It scared me how easy it was to get caught in it. I could have spent my entire life living that way and never left. It would have been easy and simple._

 _It was that same summer that I heard a demo of one of Kermit's songs on the radio. He had the talent, but the band didn't do well. The opened for someone else that was on tour and I'd get occasional postcards in the mail._

 _By the end of the summer Leah was headed to rehab and had to be replaced, as well as, they'd found a new lead singer. I think that Kermit was still writing the music, but he'd been pushed into the background._

 _I stopped listening and, after a while, the postcards stopped coming, too._

 _In the fall, my mother pulled some strings and I got an entry level job at her bank. It was the first time I started to recognize the truth in what Kermit had said. I was saving money, but I felt like I was digging myself deeper and deeper into a life that I couldn't get out of. I made friends in the same social circles as my parents and I dated the kind of men who were looking to settle down and start a family._

 _Once, I think that all of it would have been enough. But your father was always able to stir something reckless in me; something that kept me from ever being able to settle with anything I didn't have to fight for. I missed the rush of performing and I missed singing._

 _I requested a transfer to Las Vegas, figuring that I work at the bank during the day and find somewhere to sing during the night. I don't know what would have happened, but I like to believe that I would have been able to make my own way._

 _That said, my request was approved. I was packing my bags and getting my affairs in order, when your grandmother changed the literal course of which I was deciding to travel. I'm sorry that you never got to meet to her. Kalvin was strict and unbending, but Penelope was a very different kind of woman._

 _She was a classical pianist, though those days were far behind her when she moved in next door. I believe that she was the one to give your father his love of music._

 _I used to open my bedroom window in the summers and listen as she'd play for hours, while her husband was at work. She mostly played the kind of music that you would expect, but, every once in a while, I'd catch a showtune. I think she played them for your father, though it's seemed like too personal of a question to ever ask._

 _Kermit started out on piano and most of his songs, including his three hits were written on the piano, though he favored guitar. I don't think he ever played the piano in public, though he played up until the day of your grandmother's death. I was there when he closed the keylid on your grandmother's piano for the last time and that piano sat collecting dust, as we hauled it all over the country for years._

 _Eventually, it was my daughter, Jennifer, to open the lid and start playing again. Listening to her play is like getting a glimpse into the past. Her big sister, Olivia, got my voice and Kermit's charisma, but Jenny has a talent with music that might rival all of us. I wonder sometimes if you're drawn to it, the way the rest of us are. If that passion is DNA or inherited from time spent in your father's presence. Maybe, someday, you can tell me._

 _Penelope stopped playing after Kermit left. The neighborhood became quiet and empty. Most of the children were grown and gone and the streets looked like the beginnings of a ghost town. I wasn't worried that I would miss much, when I left, because my home and that street were a reminder of a childhood that had slipped through my fingertips and gone._

 _I was packing up my car, when your grandmother came out of her house. Penelope was a beautiful woman; not in that intimidating way that lots of beautiful people are, but in a way that came from being comfortable in your own skin. Kermit has her eyes, though they're more gentle on her. She was short, but she had a presence that filled every corner of a room. I don't think there was anyone that could ever dislike her._

 _She walked out to my car, as I sat shoving boxes into the backseat. There wasn't a lot that I had decided to take with me. Maybe, I knew, even then, that I would be living a nomadic lifestyle. I have things that have to be moved now, but there was a time, when my life was forced to fit into a suitcase and a carry on._

 _"Do you talk to him?" she asked, quietly, leaning against the edge of my car._

 _I didn't have to ask, who she was talking about._

 _"He used to send postcards, but they stopped a while ago," I replied, closing the car door and turning to face her._

 _"I saw you pick up his things off the street," she said, quietly._

 _"It seemed like the right thing to do," I offered, unable to lift my gaze from the curb._

 _"I saw your band perform together once, but I've never been able to figure out why you didn't go with them," Penelope admitted._

 _"The lifestyle wasn't something that I wanted," I said, figuring that it was best to skirt around the drugs and the drinking._

 _"And the banking job, is that what you want?"_

 _"I don't know what I want," I admitted._

 _"You have a beautiful voice and a talent like that deserves to be shared," she complimented me._

 _"Maybe I'll find something in Vegas," I voiced what I had been thinking about._

 _"Not something worthy of your talent. I have a friend at Julliard who's on the board of admissions. I'd like to get you an audition. I think you'd enjoy the school and it would use your talent," she offered and I looked up for the first time._

 _"I could never ask you to do that," I replied, almost too startled to speak._

 _"Sometimes, you have to follow a dream, even if it seems doomed to end in failure. You're young and if things don't work out, you'll bounce back, but you don't want to live your life full of regrets. If you're happy with what you're doing, then do it, but if you're doing it because it's safe, that's no way to live your life," she explained, with the same passion that came from her son._

 _"Did you give Kermit that same advice?" I questioned, thinking of the way Kalvin had claimed that Kermit had thrown his life away._

 _"Kermit likes to push boundaries and his problems go a little further then not wanting the same things that Kalvin wanted for him," she replied, "As I'm sure you've seen."_

 _I had seen, but I wasn't ready to admit it. I go back and forth in my head, still, trying to decide where Kermit's problems began; where things slipped from partying to addiction. He was a good person, who had always been so kind to me. I didn't want to see him as anything else. The excuses still come easy, even after all of these years._

 _"I don't know the first thing about Julliard or what the audition process would entail. I've done a couple of school productions and some gigs with Kermit's band."_

 _"Your mother mentioned to me that you've had years of singing lessons," Penelope added._

 _"You think I might have a shot?" I questioned, surprised at how quickly I was able to slip into hope._

 _"Yes, I do," Penelope replied, without any hesitation in her voice, "Actually, I've already called and they've agreed to meet with you next month, if you're interested."_

 _"That's not a lot of time to prepare," I pointed out._

 _"Too much preparation and you'll just drive yourself crazy, but I'd be willing to help you," she offered._

 _"In exchange for?" I questioned, knowing that these kinds of opportunities didn't come without a price._

 _"Your audition is already set up and I'll help you regardless of what you say, but there is something that I was wondering if you would do for me," she admitted, "These belong to Kermit and I'd like for him to have them back."_

 _She held up a stack of papers that had been carefully taped back together and I instinctively knew that they were the ones that Kalvin had torn apart when he'd kicked Kermit out. I could see, now, that they were sheet music._

 _"You want me to get these to him?" I asked, looking at her in surprise._

 _"I don't have any way to contact him and even if I did, I'm not sure that Kalvin would approve. But whatever he's done, he's still my son," she replied._

 _"I can do that," I agreed, taking the pages of music from her._

 _Kermit had sent me a PO box to write to, but I'd never found the right words to say. I think he was probably convinced that I was mad at him for everything, but I wasn't. We'd just never really been friends and without the band, I wasn't sure what we were. I'd thought that I loved him, but after months of distance, I wasn't sure if I even really knew him._

 _I could have sent the sheet music to him, but I felt like it was something that was supposed to be delivered in person. So, instead of heading to Vegas, I found out where he was going to be performing and I headed to LA._

 _My parents were not thrilled, when they heard from the bank that I had resigned without giving notice. Any normal person would have used vacation days and kept the bank as a backup plan, but even if I didn't get accepted into Julliard, I'd decided that I was heading to New York with a one-way ticket._

 _I'd spent my entire life surrounded by red rocks and burning from the heat of the desert. I was ready to experience something new, anything new._

 _I didn't have a plan beyond showing up, which was incredibly stupid, in retrospect. There were thousands of people there to see the main act, hundreds there to see Kermit's band, but I figured that I would find him, somehow, anyway._

 _I wasn't an overly assertive person at the time, but I didn't have anything to lose. I went up to backstage security, fully expecting to be turned away, but my name was on the list. Kermit's put my name on the list of every venue that he's ever played, but I didn't know that at the time._

 _I thought it was some kind of weird setup by his mother, that he'd known that I was coming. I wandered around backstage, until I ran into Chris._

 _"El," he greeted me, pulling me into a hug. No one, but Chris, ever called me El and no one's called me that since. But Chris liked to push entirely different boundaries from Kermit, "You came."_

 _"You knew I was coming?" I questioned, wondering if I could get a straight answer out of the drummer._

 _"No, but Kermit's been waiting for you to come back, since you left," Chris snorted, "He's a lovesick fool, if you ask me, but I guess it paid off."_

 _"Are you drunk?" I asked, my nose wrinkling at the smell that came off his breath, as I pulled away._

 _"Maybe," he shrugged, as though it were little concern to him, "I'll take you to Kermit."_

 _He led me through a maze of hallways, before pausing at a door, which had Kermit's name written on it in masking tape. I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest, as I thought through what I was going to say._

 _Chris opened the door without knocking and I got a glimpse of Kermit and a disheveled fake-blonde, pull apart, as they looked at Chris in shock._

 _"What are you doing, Man?" Kermit demanded, not noticing me behind Chris's bulky frame._

 _"I missed the sock on the door," Chris joked, not looking overly concerned, as the blonde tried to straighten herself out, "There's someone here to see you. I'll take her back to my room, while you straighten yourself out."_

 _"If she's claiming she's pregnant, it's not mine," Kermit replied, "Send whoever it is away."_

 _I was halfway down the hallway, before I consciously registered that I was moving. I'd driven all night to see him and he assumed that I was a cheap hookup. Chris caught me before I could get too lost._

 _"He didn't know it was you, he said he'd be out in a minute," Chris apologized, grabbing my arm to stop me._

 _"I don't need to see him, just give him these for me," I suggested, pulling the papers out of my purse and shoving them into Chris's free hand._

 _"He wants to see you," Chris insisted, "He was just being stupid."_

 _"It was good to see you, Chris," I smiled at him, before continuing down the hall._

 _It took me several tries to find my way out, which gave Kermit plenty of time to catch up with me. I was just making my way out the back entrance, when it was his turn to grab onto my arm._

 _I spun around, as he struggled to catch his breath._

 _"I'm sorry, I didn't mean," he trailed off, as I stared at the bloodshot eyes rimmed with shadows and the puncture marks left on his bare arms, along with ugly bruises._

 _"Kermit," I whispered, struggling to process the person that was in front of me, the person that I had been so sure I was in love with, "What have you done?"_

 _His hand dropped from my arm and we stared at each other in silence. In the back of my mind, I knew that he'd need to leave soon to go and perform, but I couldn't drag myself out of this moment._

 _"Where are you staying?" he asked, his eyes never leaving mine._

 _"I don't know, I didn't have a plan," I admitted._

 _He pulled his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a card, "This is the key to my hotel room. Will you wait for me there?"_

 _"I don't know," I sighed._

 _"Please, Dani," it was my nickname that won out in the end._

 _"Alright," I agreed, taking the key from him._

 _I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, when I found the room that had been written out in marker on the front of the card. I inserted the card and pulled the door open, relieved to find that the maid had cleaned it. Kermit's suitcase was shoved into the closet and blank sheet music was sprawled out on the table, along with a keyboard. But, those were the only personal items in the room._

 _I sat down on the edge of the bed, watching the electronic clock, as the numbers changed. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because I awoke to gentle hands brushing my hair out of my face. I snapped awake and found Kermit hovering over me._

 _He'd changed into a long-sleeve shirt and his hair was wet, as though he'd recently showered._

 _"The music?" he asked, holding up the taped together papers._

 _"Your mother gave them to me, she wanted you to have them back," I explained, rubbing my eyes as I tried to force myself back into wakefulness._

 _"How is she?"_

 _"She doesn't play anymore," I offered, knowing that he would understand what I meant._

 _"She stopped playing professionally when she married my father. But I used to lay on the floor next to the piano and watch as her hands danced across the keys. I don't think that she was unhappy with her life, but the look on her face when she played. He doesn't understand," Kermit paused, looking away._

 _"What it's like to love music, to feel it, the way you do," I supplied and his eyes snapped back to mine._

 _"Everyone wants something from me and I feel pulled in a million directions," he confessed, his eyes pleading with me to understand._

 _"And this helps?" I pulled up the sleeve of his shirt, running my fingers over the bruises and injection sites._

 _"Sometimes," he yanked his arm away, pulling the sleeve back down._

 _"I quit my job," I changed the subject, watching as his shoulders relaxed once the pressure was gone, "Your mom got me an interview at Julliard."_

 _"I told you, you were great," he offered, though there was something sad in his eyes._

 _"I haven't gotten a place, yet. But I don't think that I'm going to go back to Nevada, even if I don't get it. I need something new," I explained, rambling, as I tried to figure out what to say to fill the silence._

 _"So, you'll stay in New York?" he asked._

 _"I don't know."_

 _"Once the tours over, we're going to record an album," Kermit explained, "I'll be living, here, in LA."_

 _I could see where he was going, but I found myself flashing back to the woman in his dressing room earlier that day. I think some part of me knew that once I gave myself to him, there was no going back. I'd follow him down every rabbit hole and chase his dreams as if they were my own._

 _"Will you be taking Leah back?"_

 _"She's out of rehab, living with her boyfriend. When she left, it was a breach of contract. They don't care about the partying, but they don't want us back, at this point, if we go too far," Kermit explained._

 _"And you haven't gone too far?"_

 _"You don't understand. This is normal, everyone's like this," he laughed humorlessly, "It was good that you got out when you did."_

 _"I should go," I stood up._

 _"You can't drive home tonight," he argued._

 _"Well, I'm not going to stay in this hotel room with you. I won't be another cheap girl who walks out of here tomorrow morning."_

 _"Out of all of this, that's what you're going to judge me for?" he asked, looking at me incredulously._

 _"It's one thing to abuse yourself, Kermit, but it's another to take someone down with you," I pointed out, folding my arms across my chest._

 _"You think I don't know that?" he snapped, "I'm not taking anyone down with me, everyone else is already there."_

 _"Well, that makes all of this okay, then," I laughed, throwing my hands up in the air, "Self-destructing people should definitely band together because that can't possibly make the situation any worse."_

 _"You're not here, you don't know what it's like."_

 _"You just told me that I shouldn't be here, you don't get to go back and forth," I argued and he caught one of my flailing hands in his own._

 _"You're the best, most wholesome, good thing in my life. I want you to run as far away from me as you can get before I ruin you, but I miss you, Dani, every single day I miss you," he whispered, leaning forward and burying his head into my stomach, as his hands moved around my waist._

 _At some point, the standing got to be too much and we both ended up curled on the floor. I didn't know what to say and just being there seemed to be enough for him, though I think there was a part of him that wanted me to insist that I stay with him. But seeing this life had left me unsettled and nothing was ever enough for Kermit._

 _I was afraid that he'd see the real me and realize that I wasn't enough for him and I wasn't sure I could handle that._

 _I woke up the next morning in the bed. Kermit had tucked me under the covers and left a single strip of paper on the pillow next to me. I knew he was gone, off to another city and he hadn't even bothered to say goodbye._

 _The paper had five words on it, written out in his messy script, "Tell her to keep playing."_

 _I think it was in that moment that I realized that I had it all wrong. I was the one who wanted him to ask me to stay, to ask me to save him._

 _I drove home with tears running down my face._

 _-Dani_

Maya's head snapped up from her sketchbook, as banging echoed through the dorm room. Riley was in her afternoon class and Maya was working on a sketch for one of her classes. She set the book aside, as she padded across the room to the door.

"What did you do?" Olivia demanded, as Maya pulled the door open.

"What are you doing here?" Maya returned. She and Olivia had a system that didn't involve her ever visiting Maya on campus.

"Dad went to see you yesterday and he never came home. What did you say to him?" Olivia demanded, tears running freely down her cheeks.

"The truth," Maya offered, folding her arms across her chest.

"You have your family, now, Maya. You have the father that you got to handpick and the best friend, who's your sister, who shares her family with you. You have more family then you know what to do with. Why can't you just let things go?"

"He came to talk to me," Maya defended herself, "I didn't seek him out. In fact, I asked for him to leave me alone."

"What did you say to him?" Olivia repeated, her eyes blazing.

"I told him that he was right when he told your mother that he ruined everything he touched. That he ruined her and me and everyone else," Maya returned, steadying herself on the door.

"You don't know that. My mother would never say that," Olivia took a step back, her eyes going wide.

"You didn't read her letters, you don't know what she would say."

"I want them back, now," Olivia said, her voice not as sure as before.

Maya left the door open as she pulled the bundle of letters out of her bedside table and returned to the doorway. Olivia took them from her hands, clutching them to her chest, as fear flickered through her eyes. Maya recognized the look of someone who was watching her entire world start to crumble and she instantly regretted everything that she had just said.

"You think you're the only one in this world who's broken, Maya Hart? You really think you have the monopoly on pain and suffering? Your abandonment only gets you so far in life before you have to grow up and start accepting that your problems come from your own bad choices," Olivia snapped, "You have your family. Are you really so bitter that you can't let me have mine?"

Olivia spun on her heel and retreated the way that she'd come, leaving Maya behind.

 **Thanks to everyone who's still reading! This last semester was a lot more work then what I planned on and getting back into the mindset of writing this story was not easy. Hopefully, the length of this chapter helps to make up for it. I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


	26. Great Expectations

**Before you start this chapter: I started writing this story before we had additional knowledge on Katy's background. I crafted Kermit's, Dani's, and Katy's backstories around what I knew at the time and obviously added some creative embellishments. It didn't make sense to me that Kermit's mother, Gammy Hart would be babysitting Maya; so, Gammy Hart became Katy's mother in this fic. Anyway, I've decided to stick with my original backstory and not adapt it with the new knowledge that we've gotten on the show. So, it's not canon-compliant, but hopefully you'll enjoy it, anyway.**

* * *

 **February 2020**

Weeks go by and January transitions into February. Maya gets up the courage to call Olivia once, but she doesn't leave a message and Olivia never returns her call. There's a part of her that worries about what's happening with her half-sister, but another part, that she's somewhat ashamed of, is relieved to have her life become simpler.

She's no longer lying to Riley or her mother about who she's with and she no longer feels herself being pulled in multiple directions. It's easier to have Olivia and her father out of her life and she's not entirely sure what to do with that realization.

"Hey," Riley snapped Maya out of her thoughts, as she entered their dorm room and tossed her bookbag onto the center of her bed. There's an extra excitement hovering around the brunette, as Maya watches Riley slip out of her coat and hang it on the hook by the door.

"Did something happen?"

"I think I just got asked out," Riley admitted, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, as she pauses in her movements to look at Maya.

"Really?" Maya offered, unsure of how to react to her best friend's statement, "By who?"

"I met this guy in the library a couple of weeks ago, and we've been talking," Riley explained, setting her shoes onto the rack on her side of the closet, "He's a law student and he's different from anyone I've ever been interested in before. He's smart, speaks three different languages, and can discuss literature with me for hours. And, now, he wants to take me to The Ballet."

"He sounds interesting," Maya scooted back from where she had been hunched over on her bed, until her back hit her headboard. Personally, Maya thought he sounded boring, but she wasn't going to start poking flaws in a guy that Riley was this excited over.

"I've spent most of this year feeling like I'm pretending to be an adult. It's like when we used to play dress up with my mother's clothes, but when I'm talking with him, I feel like I might actually be one," Riley continued, barely seeming to process what Maya had said.

"So, when are you going?" Maya questioned.

"Next weekend," Riley replied, sinking down on the edge of her bed.

"I'm glad you're excited," Maya offered, as Riley started pulling out textbooks and laying them out in front of her.

"Yeah, me too," Riley smiled, flipping one of the books open.

Maya returned her attention to the sketch that she had been working on, but couldn't achieve the level of concentration that she'd had before.

She'd been ignoring Lucas, though to be fair he'd stopped trying a while ago, too. And, with surprise, she finds herself realizing that she's jealous of Riley's excitement over her date. She's not sure she's actually ever been on a real date with Lucas. They've spent plenty of time together, but their time is always tinged with the mistakes they've made and their own disappointments over where they've ended up.

She glances up at the sound of Riley's absent humming, as she fills out problems on a worksheet. She'd always thought that she was the strong one. Riley was the one who hoped and who was Maya's emotional support and Maya was the one who kept them both standing upright and moving forward. But, now, it's her stuck holding onto pieces of the past that she's never going to get back, while Riley continues to move forward with her life and try.

And it leaves her wondering; if she's not the strong one, then who is she?

* * *

She's pretty sure that she's losing her mind.

Logically, she knows that there's no one following her across campus. There hadn't been anyone the last time that she'd thought she was being followed and every glance over her shoulder confirmed that she was completely alone.

But, that didn't stop the hairs on the back of her neck from standing on end. Every nerve in her body felt like it was generating electricity and she was about ready to jump out of her skin. It reminds her of the detox process, though there's less itching.

"It's because you've messed up your body with drugs and alcohol," she informs herself, well aware that she has to look crazy talking to herself and jumping every time the wind blows through the trees.

She picks up her pace, but the feeling follows her all the way back to her dorm.

* * *

"For your first submitted art piece, I'd like you to recreate a piece of art by one of the artists we've covered during the semester," her teacher informed the class, handing out stacks of papers that better detailed their assignment.

Liam handed Maya the stack of papers to pass down, from where he'd been sitting a seat over from her correcting the quizzes they'd taken at the beginning of class. His eyes didn't stray from the task that he was working on, but she couldn't help the way her eyes seemed to linger a second longer than they should have, before she forced herself to turn and pass the assignments on.

They haven't spoken since she'd interrogated him outside of the building and it's not that she's dying to make a new friend. She just can't stop trying to put together the puzzle pieces of the hints that he's dropped in previous conversations.

"I suggest you get an early start on this assignment because there's no way you're creating a passable Rembrandt the night before," he continued, returning to the front of the lecture hall.

"What if you have no artistic talent?" one of the guys sitting behind Maya asked.

"You're a history major, aren't you?" the professor questioned, amusement coloring his tone, "As an alternative, I'll allow you to give a fifteen-minute presentation on the techniques used to create a piece by one of the artists we've covered."

The lecture continued and Maya diligently took notes in her spiral-bound notebook. When the class had ended, she shoved her things into her bag and started towards the door.

She was taking a sculpture class where she had the opportunity to create, but this was the first time she felt like she might have an assignment that would be challenging in a fun way.

"One of the only classes where they ask you to turn in plagiarized work," a voice offered from beside her and she was startled to discover that Liam had followed her out.

"It's only plagiarized if you don't site your sources," Maya pointed out, rewrapping her scarf around her neck.

"It's kind of beautiful, though. In art, it takes talent to pass someone else's work off as your own. There's no copying and pasting," he continued.

"Except in photography," she pointed out and a smile appeared on his face at the thinly veiled implication.

"Alright, Hart, you going to show me what you've got besides an _A_ for the class?" he challenged her.

"I'm pretty sure this fine academic intuition frowns upon fraternization between me and the people who are grading my work," Maya offered, hesitating in whether she actually wanted to show him her art or not.

"We could call it tutoring," he suggested, "And I might be able to give you some pointers on our latest assignment."

"What could you possible know about art forgery?" Maya questioned, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye.

"You'd be surprised," he replied, a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth.

* * *

The flowers start showing up at noon and Maya's pretty sure that he must have bought out every florist in a ten-mile radius. By, three she's running out of places to put vases and there's a crowd of girls sighing every time she opens the door to accept a new arrangement.

"Don't you people have classes?" Maya, finally, demanded, managing to convince the group of girls to scatter.

She set the vase down at the foot of Riley's bed and shuffled her way through the maze of glass, thorns, and petals that had been created. It was starting to get ridiculous.

"Peaches?" Riley called out, as she opened the door.

"Stop," Maya's warning was a second too late as Riley tripped over a vase and spilled water across the hardwood floor.

Riley's mouth dropped open and Maya would have laughed if she wasn't too busy trying to calculate just how much all of these flowers must have cost.

"Are these for me?" she asked, with uncertainty, seeming to forget the spilled vase.

"You should inform Library-Boy that flowers typically come after the date," Maya suggested, raising an eyebrow and watching as a blush spread across Riley's face, "I didn't even know there were orange roses."

"They mean desire and enthusiasm," Riley informed her, mechanically.

"What do the yellow ones mean?"

"The promise of a new beginning," Riley answered in the same monotone.

"There definitely seems to be a lot of enthusiasm," Maya snorted, as Riley suddenly realized that she was standing in a puddle of water and hurried to the bathroom to grab a towel.

Riley narrowly avoided knocking over another on her way out of the bathroom, but managed to dart around it at the last second. She started wiping up the water with a hand towel.

"What does this mean?" Riley, suddenly, demanded, looking up at Maya with wide eyes.

"You were the one who translated the flowers," Maya reminded her.

"Well, I think I mentioned to him once that I liked gifts that had a meaning behind them and we've talked about flowers before," Riley rambled, "But I've never had a boy fill my dorm room with flowers."

"He must really like you," Maya offered, knowing that she needed to head Riley off before she went into full-panic mode. Oddly enough, the situation reminded her of when Riley had glued Lucas's head closed after his fight. It felt like a lifetime ago.

"But these seem like _expectation flowers_ ," Riley groaned, leaning back onto her knees, as she finished scrubbing at the floor.

"Expectation flowers?"

"You don't fill a girl's dorm room with flowers, if you aren't expecting something to come of it," Riley pointed out.

"You shouldn't be expected to do _anything_ on a first date and if he tries to say otherwise, you call me and I'll beat him up," Maya promised, anger rising at the thought.

"Not those kind of expectations, Maya. Jack is a gentleman," Riley sighed, shifting her position, so that she could press her back against the wall and spread her legs out in front of her.

"Then what kind of expectations are you talking about?"

"The kind that go somewhere, the kind that are paired with commitment," Riley replied, a frown marring her face.

"Is that a bad thing?" Maya wondered. Riley had always been the one who was pro-commitment, romance, and happily-ever-after and she couldn't quite make sense of this behavior.

"It just means that we're never going back, Maya. Everything we've had, known, and loved, is really gone and it's never going to be like it was," Riley rambled, "We're in adult relationships, now, that can actually go somewhere."

She wanted to tell Riley that her relationship wasn't going anywhere, that it was forged out of fear and desperation and was barely holding up. But how could she tell her best friend that she'd put the both of them through all of this pain, only to find out that none of it had been worth it?

"It's just one date, Riles," Maya offered, feeling the burning of tears building up in her eyes and quickly blinking them away.

"It's a dorm room full of flowers, Maya," Riley disagreed and somehow that one phrase managed to say everything.

* * *

Sunlight filtered in broken fragments through the window and onto the floor, leaving dancing patterns of light. It was ordinary, but Maya, somehow, couldn't bring herself to look away. Her hands gripped a rectangle of thick paper that had been worn from the books Maya had shoved it into and the time she had spent holding it in her hands. She couldn't bring herself to look at it, but she felt comfort in having it close to her.

"Hey, Baby. I didn't know you were here," Katy paused in the doorway of Maya's bedroom in their home. Her waitress uniform was stained with dried, dark, liquid and her hair was falling from the ponytail on her head, but Maya couldn't deny that Katy seemed a lot lighter since marrying Shawn.

"I just needed to get away from everything," Maya confessed, from where she was sprawled out on the floor of her room.

"Is everything okay with you and Riley?"

"I think so. She's going on a date tonight to The Ballet," Maya informed her, sitting up and pressing her back to the wall behind her.

"Sounds fancy," Katy smiled.

"It's her brand of fairytale," Maya offered, crossing her ankles and staring at the toe that had slipped through a hole in her sock.

"Then what's on your mind?" Katy pressed, entering the room and sinking down onto the carpet next to Maya.

"Do you believe in soulmates?" Maya asked, searching her mother's face.

Katy choked on a laugh, before she managed to answer, "It seems like kind of a stupid system to me. I love Shawn and I can't imagine life without him, but that doesn't mean that both of us couldn't have found happiness with someone else. We were just, lucky, to find each other, first."

"You've never told me about how you met my father," Maya reminded her.

"I don't like to think about it," Katy admitted, "It's like getting fresh flowers. They're beautiful and they smell wonderful, but you know that in the end they'll just die."

"That's kind of pessimistic," Maya pointed out, wondering if that was the reason why Shawn tended to buy her mother potted plants. Those died, too, but they at least had a shot at living.

The image of her dorm room filled with dead flowers went through her head and she blinked it away before she could over-analyze it.

"I met him through a roommate. The two of us were close and she dragged me along to a concert of his. Kermit was playing guitar and there was something about him from the minute I laid eyes on him. I just couldn't bring myself to look away. We met him backstage after it was over and I discovered that the feeling was mutual. My roommate ended up heading home early and Kermit and I spent the entire night talking. He was so passionate about music and I got sucked into that passion."

"What happened to your roommate?" Maya asked, her fingers tracing the edge of the paper in her hand.

"I don't know. We lost touch after I married your father," Katy replied, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear before folding her hands in her lap, "What's with all of these questions?"

"I just don't know what I'm doing with my life, anymore," Maya admitted, running her hands through her hair.

"There are times in life that feel like that, but one day an offer will come along and you'll just know that it's the right thing for you," Katy offered, reaching over and squeezing Maya's knee.

"I love you, Mom," Maya sighed, leaning her head onto her mother's shoulder.

"I love you, too," Katy promised, resting her head on top of Maya's for a second before she rose from the floor, "I'm ordering pizza for dinner, do you want to stay?"

"Yeah," Maya agreed and Katy nodded, before leaving the room and disappearing out of Maya's sight.

She traced the edges of the paper again before allowing her eyes to drop to the postcard in her hand. It was funny that Josh had chosen a postcard of all things to reach out to her. She hadn't heard from him since then, but he still managed to sneak into her mind, just when she thought she was putting some emotional distance between the two of them.

She couldn't stop herself from thinking about another of Dani's letters.

 _My best friend's daughter,_

 _I've come to accept that you're probably more Katy's daughter than Kermit's, but it's so much easier to think of you belonging to Kermit. One day, you'll sit down and start adding up all of your sins; all of the people you hurt. I hope your list is shorter than mine, or at least the amount of damage you caused. Because, it's one thing to have stolen your father, but it's another to have stolen him from someone I considered one of my best friends._

 _I went to church a lot before I moved to New York. My parents weren't overly religious, but they wanted me to have something to look to for morals. They wanted me to have something to try and make sense of life and pain. I didn't think any of it mattered, until I reached a point, where I'd made so many mistakes that I didn't feel like I could ever go back. Some days I feel beyond redemption and some days I look into my daughters' eyes and I wonder if, maybe, some of the good cancels out the bad._

 _I won't ask you for forgiveness, but I have paid for my choices. I spent years with a man who was constantly fighting against addiction. I spent years looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I'd become. And, I watched a child that I'd carried under my heart for months slowly slip away from me, until he was nothing, but a memory. Everyone has plenty of trauma in life to justify feeling broken; I just happened to cause most of my own._

 _I got into Juilliard and my parents were incredibly proud. At the time, I thought it was because I'd found a respectable way to go into something that I loved. Now, I think they knew that if they pushed me too hard, they'd lose me. They didn't always understand me, but they tried and I will forever be grateful for that._

 _I didn't know a single person when I got there, but I had enough savings that I knew I could figure something out. My school costs were going to drain me dry and my best bet was to find a roommate and a cheap apartment. I, also, needed a job._

 _I met Lana Carpenter during orientation. She was bubbly and outgoing and everything that I was not, but she was also incredibly difficult to dislike. She was new to the city, too, having grown up in Chicago and she was a violinist. By the end of orientation, she was already talking about apartments and everything that we had to do with our time in New York._

 _By the time classes had started, we were renting this tiny apartment that we had fallen completely in love with. It had two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a living space big enough to fit a couch. The kitchen was hooked onto the living room and the fridge was this ancient thing that would constantly hum._

 _I could hear the sound of that refrigerator through the walls and I used to lie awake at night, trying to ignore the sound. I miss it, now. You'll be surprised by the things that you end up missing when you look back._

 _It was stacked on the top of a store that changed businesses every couple of months. It was an antique shop when we first moved in, then a clothing outlet, before it was completely remodeled into a Chinese restaurant. I spent an entire six months smelling like refried rice and orange chicken and I can't stand the food to this day._

 _I got a job working at a used bookstore and I loved it. I'd never been overly literary, although, I did read, but there was something about the smell of old books and the quiet. In another life, I was a librarian, I'm sure of it._

 _School wasn't easy, but I was doing something that I loved. I spent hours practicing and I'd study, while I was working. Lana was the one who would drag me to art museums and tourist sites. We got along well together, but it didn't last. She made it through one semester before the pressure got to be too much and she dropped out._

 _When her parents found out, they stopped paying her rent and she ended up moving in with her boyfriend. It was the most terrifying thing in my life, to that point; to suddenly be on my own, with no idea how I was going to afford school, rent, and to keep eating._

 _I put out an add, but none of the applicants were a good fit. I was going to start prematurely developing gray hairs, when your mother showed up at my doorstep. She was a transplant from this little town, who'd completely uprooted her life to pursue her dreams. But, I didn't have to hear her story, to know that I was going to give her the extra room. Sometimes, you meet people and you just know that they're supposed to be a part of your life. That's how I felt when I met Katy._

 _My first impression of her, was that she seemed completely untainted by life. She'd come to New York with a battered, cloth suitcase that looked like it belonged in a museum, a guitar she couldn't play, and the kind of enthusiasm that had you rooting for someone, even if reality dictated that they were going to fail._

 _"I'm Katy Hart," she'd introduced herself. She still had the hints of a small-town accent and I can remember worrying that this city would chew her up and spit her out._

 _"You can just call me Dani," I offered, swinging the door open and gesturing for her to come inside._

 _Her eyes had scanned over the small couch, the prehistoric television that was still in black-and-white and that stupid humming refrigerator and a smile had spread across her face._

 _"Your rooms at the end of the hallway and we'll split utilities and rent. Can you cook?"_

 _"I manage," she'd offered, though, I got the impression and later was proved right, that she was just being humble._

 _"Well, I'm awful at it. I usually order take-out, but if you're willing to cook, I'll help with the grocery bill," I'd suggested._

 _"You're just giving me the room?" Katy asked, incredulously, suddenly catching up with the conversation._

 _"Yeah, I have a good feeling about you," I'd shrugged._

 _"Well, I have a pretty good feeling about you, too," if she'd only known how things would work out._

 _Unfortunately, she didn't have any kind of plan besides showing up in New York and auditioning for plays. She got work at the restaurant downstairs, which had gone from a Chinese place to a diner. I'd sit down there studying and joking with her, while she'd work. Where Lana had always done all of the talking, your mother was a good listener._

 _I didn't tell her about Kermit, although I wonder now what would have happened if I had. But Kermit was something I kept wrapped tightly in my heart. I'd started writing to him after he left. Long letters about everything and nothing. I'd received postcards in return. That was how your mother first heard of him._

 _"This is your third postcard from California this month," Katy pointed out, tossing the postcard across the room to me._

 _It landed at the foot of the couch and I had to lean over to pick it up. It was a generic landscape and besides his familiar handwriting filling in my address on the back, it was blank._

 _"It's my friend's way of letting me know he's still alive," I replied, slipping the card into the back of the book that I was reading._

 _"Just a friend?" she questioned, intuitively._

 _I wasn't sure how to explain what he was to me. He was this ache in my chest that I felt on nights when I couldn't sleep over the sounds of the city and humming of the refrigerator, he was the person that I poured my entire heart out to in letters, and he was always hovering just outside of my reach._

 _"Yeah, just a friend," I sighed, my eyes trailing to the window._

 _She didn't press and I didn't offer anything else._

 _I don't know what your mother is like, now, but when I knew her she serial dated. There was a new guy every weekend and none of them lasted very long. She used to come home from her dates, kick off her shoes, and pull ice cream out of the fridge. She'd then proceed to tell me the amusing highlights of her night out and we'd laugh until the early morning hours._

 _Katy was a romantic. She believed that all she needed was one show to make her career and she believed that there was one perfect guy that would come out of nowhere and change her life. She did a couple of minor-role, off-Broadway productions, but she didn't have the connections to make anything big. That didn't stop her from trying and if we always saw the rewards of our labors, your mother would have made it a long time ago._

 _I dated a pianist for a while. I'll save you some time and heartbreak: One day you're going to meet someone and swear that it's love at first sight, but it's not. In my experience, love can't be made in a moment, it's built over a million of them._

 _But, I thought that I loved him. He'd play, while I sang and I'd come up with the words to his compositions. I was pretty sure that I was awful, but he was always patient and kind with me. We burned bright and then we burned out. It didn't take long for him to find a new muse and I thought that the entire world was ending._

 _But angst has always been good for an aspiring artist, so I took my feelings and I used them. I snagged the lead in a school play and I threw myself into my studies._

 _You can only pour your heart out to someone who never responds for so long before you start to feel pathetic. My letters to Kermit had waned and reduced to several lines of basic communication. The postcards started coming every week like clockwork and I'm pretty sure that I have every postcard ever created for California up until 1999._

 _The thing about Kermit, is that sometimes he tells you exactly what he's thinking and what he means. But, other times, the answers are in what he's not saying._

 _I had this feeling that I couldn't shake that something was horribly wrong. So, I called Chris._

 _"El, you sound fantastic," he enthused, after I'd identified myself._

 _I was sitting on the kitchen floor with my feet spread out in front of me, as I talked on a phone that was bolted into the wall and had a chord that barely reached to where I was sitting._

 _"How's the album going?" I questioned, wondering if I could deduce what was wrong without having to come out and ask._

 _"Alright, there have been some issues with our lead singer. She smokes and it's wreaking havoc on her voice. Kermit's frustrated, but our agent keeps insisting that we need her image," he explained, as I tried to imagine someone else singing songs that I once had._

 _"And everything else?" I asked, lamely._

 _"You're asking about Kermit?" he offered, knowingly, "He never told me what happened between the two of you that night."_

 _"Nothing happened," I replied, automatically._

 _"Look, I like you, Dani. You have the voice of an angel and the personality to match and Kermit might even have genuine feelings for you, as much as he has feelings. The thing is, I've spent my entire time knowing him watching him chew up girls and spit them back out when he's done. He's not ready for someone like you."_

 _"Have the drugs and the drinking gotten any better?" I pressed, ignoring his statement and the chord that it had struck._

 _"I don't know. I don't party with him like I used to, I have a steady girlfriend and she doesn't like it," Chris informed me._

 _"Congratulations," I offered, leaning my head against the wall._

 _"Thanks. I have to go, El, but take care of yourself, okay?"_

 _"You too," I heard the sound of the dial tone and I felt like a door had just slammed in my face._

 _I tried to force myself back into focusing on school, but I was only half there. Katy just assumed that it came from my breakup, but I'd forgotten my pianist surprisingly quickly._

 _Then, I got two postcards within three days of each other. One, a copy of last weeks from California and, the other, from Mesquite. It took one demanding phone call home to my parents to discover that Penelope Barlow had died in a car accident._

 _I was on a plane before I'd even entirely thought the decision through._

 _I owe your mother a lot for the week that I was gone. She was the one to talk to my professors and explain that I had a family emergency, when she didn't even entirely know what had happened, beyond a hastily scribbled note left taped to the fridge._

 _It wasn't hard to figure out where Kermit was; the casino was all lit up on the front of his postcard. I took a taxi to the casino, but I knew that half the battle was going to be figuring out what room he was in. The rest, would be convincing him to let me in._

 _I knew things were worse than I had originally thought, when I discovered that he'd left a room key, with my name on it, at the front desk._

 _He was completely out of it when I made it the room. He was definitely high, but I was pretty sure that he was passed out from the drinking that had occurred. There were empty bottles of liquor everywhere and the smell of the room, had me grabbing the nearest garbage and losing everything that I'd eaten in the last four hours._

 _I popped open the window and sat for a while, breathing in the heat of a Nevada night. It still felt like home, even if I'd taken all of those pains to run away from it._

 _"Dani," a voice whispered, sometime, later and I'd spun around to find that he was saying my name in his sleep._

 _"You can't go to the funeral like this," I sighed. I had a feeling everything would look worse when I turned on the lights, so I fumbled around in the dark._

 _I rinsed out the empty bottles, in an attempt to alleviate the smell, before stacking them in the garbage. He'd left needles and melted down drugs on the nightstand and I couldn't bring myself to touch any of it. There was a part of me that wanted to get out and run as far as I possibly could. This reality was something that I had never wanted to face._

 _I've, yet, to find anything more painful than watching someone you love destroy themselves and knowing that there's nothing you can do to stop it._

 _The room had a single queen bed in the center and I curled up in a chair by the window. The adrenaline from running across the country had left me exhausted and even the discomfort of being in an upright position seated in an uncomfortable chair couldn't keep me awake._

 _I woke to the smell of coffee and eggs._

 _Kermit always bounced back quickly from hangovers. He'd spend the first hour of his morning on the bathroom floor and then spend the rest of the day acting as though nothing had happened. This was the first time, I saw that, though._

 _He'd set the food out in front of me and I snapped awake, wincing as it pulled at the stiff muscles in my back and neck._

 _"I didn't think you'd show up," he offered, turning to me from where he'd been sitting on the bed. He was holding one of those bibles that you find in the bedside table of hotel rooms, though I doubted that he'd been reading it._

 _"You knew I would," I disagreed, taking a bite of the eggs._

 _"You don't drink coffee?" he asked, curiously._

 _"It tastes awful," I replied, "And tea is better for my voice, anyway."_

 _"I'll remember that," he promised, his eyes going back to the book in his hands._

 _"You should probably start getting ready. We only have a couple of hours until the funeral," I pointed out, after a glance at the digital clock on the bedside table._

 _"I'm not invited," he informed me, his eyes darkening, though they didn't shift from their position._

 _"What?" I asked, taken aback at his words._

 _"I went to see my father, when I first got here. He told me that if my mother could see me it would just kill her all over again and then told me to go back to where I came from," he replied, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice and failing._

 _"He's probably upset and not handling his grief well," I offered, unsure what to do with the minefield that I had suddenly stumbled upon._

 _"It's not like he's wrong," Kermit snorted, dropping the book and looking at the drugs that were still on display on the nightstand._

 _"She taped that music back together and sent me to give it to you," I reminded him, "She may not have agreed with all of your choices, but she loved you."_

 _"I'm not sure that love even has any meaning for me, anymore," he informed me._

 _"It's probably a little difficult to feel anything when you're diluting everything with drugs and alcohol, but that's the point, isn't it?" I offered, rising from my seat. Part of me wanted out of that room, but I wasn't sure where I would go._

 _"I wondered what I'd have to do to get you angry at me," he snorted, his voice taking on a calculated and deliberately derogatory tone._

 _"You know what I think, Kermit?" I questioned, my voice rising with my feelings, "I think you feel things so intensely that it scares you to death. So, you try to cover them up and suppress them, but that's stupid Kermit. Because letting yourself feel what you actually feel, might end up destroying you, but it, also, might be the thing that saves you."_

 _He stared at me, probably shocked at my words and I searched his eyes for anything. When my search came up empty, I grabbed my bag from the floor and left the room._

 _I remember every detail about walking away from him. I remember the thin, red, carpet, with the green, floral design, that I was sure would leave bare socks completely black if you were to walk on it. I remember the smell of smoke hanging in the air from the casino and the glint of the gold numbers that was tacked to every door._

 _I had expected myself to fall apart, but I didn't. I kept my head high and I forced myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other._

 _I was at the end of the hallway, when a hand reached out and grabbed me. I spun around and barely had time to process that it was Kermit who had run after me, before his lips were pressed to mine and I could no longer process anything._

 _My hands wrapped around his neck and his hands left bruises on the small of my back from grabbing me like I was his life preserver in a sea that was threatening to drown him, but I was beyond caring. A part of me, had spent years waiting for this moment and it didn't disappoint._

 _I couldn't save him, but I, also, couldn't keep myself from loving him._

 _I spent the week with him, in a reality that existed somewhere between the two worlds we each lived in. Then, I went back to New York and he went back to LA and we had no plan. All we had, were seven days._

 _I hadn't realized that I wanted a fairytale, until I realized that I'd never be getting one. Loving Kermit was like disappearing into a cloud of smog and having to fight your way back out. He was difficult, depressed, and I'd given up the delusions that he was going to quit the drugs for me._

 _We were never going to be the couple that sat up at night planning our futures on the phone together, but he continued to send me postcards and I started sending him ticket stubs, programs, and restaurant napkins from the diner below us. I knew, now, that he couldn't send me letters because he couldn't give me all of himself and I refused to continue sending him all of me. We settled for parts and it probably says something about the both of us that, for a long time, that was enough._

 _His first album came out that summer, along with his first hit song. It was the only song on the album that he sang himself, which probably should have said something to the people who were backing him. But, the cover of the album still sported the bleached-blonde lead singer, with the others brooding in the background._

 _You're probably thinking that the song was something about me, but it wasn't. It was about his struggle to be enough for his father and the realization that he never would be. The song was being played everywhere that summer and I couldn't seem to escape it._

 _He went on tour in the fall and the postcards got more exciting. But, anyone, who picked up a magazine knew that his love life had, too. I know, now, that it was mostly publicity stunts that were directed by his management team, but I didn't at the time._

 _We weren't together, at that point. I wasn't going to give up my dreams, to play second-string to his addiction and he wasn't ready to give up his lifestyle. I knew that Chris was right and he wasn't ready for me, but neither of us were able to let go of each other, either._

 _I threw myself into my training at Juilliard and pushed myself passed my breaking point. I managed to sprain my ankle, dislocate my shoulder, and break my arm, all in musical rehearsal related accidents. The teacher that was directing recast the understudy because she'd become convinced that I wasn't going to be able to go on._

 _I defied expectations and Kermit, suddenly, wasn't the only one who was appearing in newspaper articles. But, he didn't receive a ticket stub or a program from that particular production. It was something that I had achieved without him and I was proud of myself for that._

 _I would learn later that he didn't need me to send him them because he has his own._

 _People started expecting me to go places and I got a glimpse into what Kermit must be feeling. I was a, "Name to watch," and little girls would ask me to sign their programs. It was nice for a while, but, eventually, it started to feel empty. It got to the point where the only time I really felt alive was when I was on stage and the rest of my life started to blur together._

 _When it ended, I fell into a depression. I managed to get myself up to go class, but that was the only place where I felt like my head was connected to the rest of my body. I struggled to concentrate at work and your mother and I had conflicting schedules that didn't allow us to see each other for more than a few minutes every day._

 _I didn't turn to anything that Kermit would have turned to, but I found my own vices. I put on ten pounds and then killed myself to lose it. After that, I became obsessive about counting my calorie intake. I took up a twice-a-week aerobics class and started going jogging every morning. I didn't develop any diagnosable disorders, but what I was doing to myself psychologically wasn't healthy._

 _I wasn't happy and I couldn't find anyone to turn to._

 _Your mother was dealing with her own set of disappointments, as she realized that her dream wasn't as achievable as she'd believed it to be. She had to work long hours to be able to afford living in the city and that left her little time for doing anything that could help her pursue acting._

 _Then, I met Peter. He wasn't an artist. In fact, he was going to school to do something in finance and I tended to tune him out whenever he tried to explain it to me. But, he was handsome and he was something so far outside of my own world that I didn't feel any expectations when it came to him._

 _I was trying to figure out who I was and being with him was easy. He didn't understand my passion for what I was doing, but I figured that it was one of those things that we should just compromise on. And, I'd been struggling to find the passion for what I was doing, anymore, too. Sometimes, I felt like I would never be done at Juilliard and the idea of what laid beyond being finished was terrified. Peter was, at least, safe._

 _He'd take me out to dinners at places that were nice, but would probably laugh at you if you tried to make a reservation. We went to movies, instead of plays and he had a dog that I came to adore. We spent a lot of time walking the dog and just talking about ordinary things._

 _It was exactly what I needed and it, also, helped me to recommit to my studies. I'd needed something in my life that didn't feel like it was pressing down on me and Peter was that for me. We dated for an appropriate amount of time and I would have been content to stay in that phase forever. However, Peter wanted more and when he asked me to marry him, I couldn't think of a reason to say no. He promised me that I could finish up school, but, I think, he believed that I wouldn't be able to find work when I was done and I'd end up settling down and raising his children._

 _I don't think that it would have been a bad life, but he never understood me the way that Kermit did. Kermit and I had never really needed words to communicate what we said, even before our relationship had become physical. We knew each other, in a way that couldn't be rivaled and I had no intention of giving that relationship up for Peter._

 _I knew that I couldn't have a romantic relationship with both of them, but I thought that I could keep both of them in my life. It was that naivety that led me to send a Save-the-Date to your father and the postcards abruptly stopped. I told myself that he had gotten busy and, in my rare moments of honesty, that I was better off without him and that we never would have worked._

 _But, it was too late for normal at that point._

 _After a long night of talking to Peter's mother on the phone and her demanding that I start making plans for the wedding, it was Katy who informed me that planning a wedding shouldn't be looked at with the same enthusiasm I gave dentist appointments. The more the wedding was planned, the more I started to feel like I was being suffocated._

 _And I missed Kermit with an ache that was always heavy in my chest. I thought that it would go away, but it only seemed to get worse the more Peter demanded that I get serious about the commitment that I had made. So, I ended things, with pretty disastrous results. Peter yelled and I sat and listened, until he wore himself out and left._

 _I didn't know how to fix things with Kermit and I didn't for a very long time._

 _I was finishing up my third year of school, when Kermit's band came to New York for a show. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I knew that I missed him and that I had to do something._

 _In the end, it was Chris who did something, actually._

 _"Dani, phone's for you," Katy announced, knocking on the door to my room._

 _I was memorizing lines for an audition that I had coming up and Katy had been baking cookies in the kitchen. I hadn't even heard the phone ring._

 _"Who is it?" I questioned, setting aside the script and swinging my feet off the bed. Nobody called me, since what had happened with Peter. I'd been living in New York for years, but I didn't make friends easily and the ones I did make tended not to stick around._

 _"He wouldn't give a name, just said that he desperately needed to talk to El," Katy returned, "I've never heard anyone call you that."_

 _"Chris is one of a kind," I offered, moving into the kitchen and grabbing the phone. I was aware that Katy was hovering in the background, curious about who was on the phone, "Hey, Chris."_

 _"Your fiancé sounds kind of feminine," Chris informed me._

 _"I ended my engagement, that's my roommate," I replied, turning my back from Katy so that I could at least pretend I had privacy._

 _"Well that's fantastic!" he announced, his voice filling with enthusiasm._

 _"Thank you," I snorted, rolling my eyes, "Was there a reason you're calling?"_

 _"We're coming to New York," he informed me, "The entire band and Kermit's sober."_

 _"What?"_

 _"He got your announcement, became really dark and broody, and then stopped cold-turkey. I think you should come and see him," Chris suggested, "In fact, I'll send you some tickets."_

 _"We haven't talked in a really long time," I pointed out, feeling anxiety threatening to overcome me._

 _"When you see him, I don't think that'll matter," Chris promised, "And people in our business don't stay sober for long without a reason."_

 _"What happened to your girlfriend?" I asked, curious._

 _"Thing didn't work out," he replied, his voice conveying the depth of his feelings, "Be looking for those tickets."_

 _The phone went dead and I held it for a moment, before replacing it on its cradle._

 _"Well?" Katy asked, when I didn't move from my spot._

 _"Do you want to go to a concert?"_

 _I thought a lot about what I was going to say to him, when I saw him again. I'd find myself composing speeches in my mind during free moments and even moment when I should have been paying attention. My teachers noticed my distraction, but all I could think about was seeing him again._

 _Katy wasn't overly excited about going with me. She'd just gotten cut after a callback and her usual routine included copious amounts of carrot sticks (She'd adopted my eating style, after one of the people she'd auditioned with had told her she could have landed the role if she was ten pounds skinnier) and a marathon of romantic comedies, but I wasn't ready to face Kermit on my own and she was my best friend._

 _"You should wear the red top," Katy suggested, entering my room and hopping into the center of my bed._

 _"When I wear it, I feel like I can just see my mother shaking her head," I admitted, holding up the tight material that barely covered anything._

 _"But it looks nice with those dark jeans that you look fantastic in," Katy informed me, leaning back and watching me twist in front of the mirror, "And it never hurts to show a little skin when you're trying to land a guy."_

 _"I don't know what you're talking about," I informed her, crossing the hallway to the bathroom to change. I left the door of my bedroom open and the bathroom door cracked, so that we could continue to yell back-and-forth to each other._

 _"Come on, Dani. A guy calls with a nickname that's so obviously from your past and then you develop a desire to go to a concert. We're going to meet Postcard Guy, aren't we?"_

 _"Maybe," I replied, adjusting my shirt in the mirror before I pulled on my jeans._

 _"It'll work out," Katy promised me, as I left the bedroom to go and apply my make up at the vanity._

 _"How do you know?" I questioned, looking at her through the mirror._

 _"Because love always finds a way," she replied, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth._

 _"I can't believe you just said that with a straight face," I snorted and a laugh broke passed her smile._

 _It took us several minutes to pull ourselves together before she could speak again, "But, even if doesn't work out, at least we've still got our tiny apartment and each other."_

 _"That's true," I agreed, digging through my makeup bag for the shade of lipstick that I wanted._

 _I couldn't take my eyes off of Kermit from the moment that I saw him on stage. He looked older and healthier, but he also looked as familiar as my own face in the mirror. I hadn't realized the true extent of how much I missed him, until he was standing right in front of me._

 _I was so caught up in my own feelings, that I didn't even notice how entranced Katy had become with the same person._

 _We made our way backstage after the show was over and, as luck would have it, Chris was the first one to see me. I think he'd probably been waiting and he immediately pulled me into a hug._

 _"It's good to see you," he announced, pulling back as his eyes scanned over me._

 _"I see you haven't changed," I folded my arms across my chest._

 _"Would you want me to?" he returned, smirking._

 _I turned to introduce Katy to him, but found that my roommate had disappeared. A quick glance around found her and Kermit talking in a corner. I couldn't see her face, but Kermit was looking at her with a kind of awe that I'd never seen before. It wasn't anything that I had seen with any of his other girlfriends._

 _"Hey, K, look who showed up," Chris called across the room, but it was Katy to turn away from Kermit, while his eyes refused to move._

 _"Is this him?" Katy questioned, nodding towards Chris, as Chris dragged me across the room._

 _"You must be the girl from the phone," Chris offered before I could find the words to reply._

 _I was waiting for Kermit to look at me, to give me any sign that he knew that I existed._

 _"Katy Hart," she introduced herself, holding out a hand for him to shake._

 _"Chris Price," he returned, taking her hand, "And I see you've already met our fearless leader."_

 _"Yes, I have," she smiled, her eyes returning Kermit's gaze. She was looking at him with stars in her eyes and I felt my heart slowly shredding within my chest._

 _"Why don't I give you the backstage tour?" Chris suggested to Katy, gesturing towards a room that looked like it was filled with wardrobe._

 _"I can show her," Kermit suggested, still showing no sign that he even recognized me._

 _"But, K," Chris protested, clearly unable to see what was happening right in front of our eyes._

 _"It's okay, Chris. I should get home," I said, as Kermit and Katy retreated back into a bubble that was separate from the rest of the world._

 _"I'll walk you," he insisted, looking at me in confusion, as he led me towards the exit, "What are you doing?"_

 _"Come on, Chris. He couldn't even look at me. He's clearly moved on from whatever we had," I replied, folding my arms across my chest in an effort to hold myself together._

 _"I told him that you were coming and that you'd ended things with your fiancé and he's been looking forward to seeing you for weeks. There's no way he'd throw that away for someone he just met," Chris argued._

 _"Well, then what was that?"_

 _"I don't know, maybe he was trying not to show you how much he cares," Chris suggested._

 _"I'm a little old for the games, Chris," I informed him._

 _"Well, that's all he's ever had."_

 _Sometimes, I think, that I should have stood up that night and demanded that Kermit talk to me. I think it might have ended what would turn into a melodrama of epic proportions, but I'd spent so much time building that moment up in my head, that having him completely ignore me was too much. I had never been the one to fight for things, that had always been Kermit, and the way he decided not to fight for me said more then what, I thought, any conversation ever could._

 _Chris left me at my door. I couldn't even bring myself to let him in and then I sat on the couch and waited for Katy to come home. She didn't._

 _-Dani_

* * *

 **I've been working on the new chapter for LOT, but I got through writing it and realized that it was awful, so I'm completely reworking it. Thankfully, this chapter came out a lot better. Thanks for reading! And thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I would love to hear what you think about this one!**


	27. Laid to Rest

**February 2020**

Maya bit her lip as she watched Liam flip through her rough sketches of ideas for her project. They were sitting in the back corner of what had quickly become her favorite college hangout and two uneaten pastries and partially-drunk beverages were sitting on the table in front of them.

"These are ambitious," Liam admitted, running his fingers over the pencil strokes of her rough depiction of Van Gogh's, _Starry Night._

"These are the kind of art pieces that the professor is expecting, though, isn't he? The ones that everyone can recognize," Maya questioned, trying to pretend that she wasn't scanning his every facial expression for a hint into what he's thinking.

She'd had close relationships with her friends in high school, but she's not someone who attracts herds of people who want to confide in her. Her relationship with Liam is something entirely new and undefinable. He doesn't have the same status as what her teacher would have, but he's working in the same profession that Maya wants to. She finds that despite her best attempts not to, she cares about his opinion.

"You could probably pick any of these and get a decent grade, but if you want to really impress him, you have to think like a forger," Liam suggested, setting her notebook between them on the table.

"And how would a forger think?" Maya asked, wondering if he was deliberately skewing the assignment to spend time with her. She's not sure what to do with that thought, either.

"A forger doesn't pick a well-known painting. They pick something that someone's not as likely to recognize and make sure it still carries the essence of the painting," he explained, taking a sip of his drink and watching her intently through his eyelashes.

"I don't see how that's more impressive than recreating _Starry Night_ ," Maya insisted, wondering if this entire meeting was just a waste of her time.

"Do you trust me?" Liam enquired, their eyes meeting as Maya searched the brown depths for what he really wanted.

"I haven't decided, yet," Maya admitted.

"Well, I have to go help teach a class. But, would you meet me somewhere?" he pressed, standing up from the table and shrugging on his leather jacket. It was worn from use and there were blue paint splatters along one arm, but Maya could tell that it was something that he loved.

She wasn't entirely sure if it was a good idea, but she saw something in Liam that she just couldn't bring herself to turn away from.

"Alright," she agreed, rising from the table and collecting her drink.

* * *

"Where did the flowers go?" Maya questioned, dumping her bag on her bed, as Riley stood in front of the mirror scrutinizing her reflection and holding a dress in front of her body.

"To a good cause. My mother's going to hand them out for Valentine's day," Riley replied, dumping the dress on the bed and moving to pick out another one.

"That's nice of her," Maya offered, sinking down on the edge of the bed, as Riley selected a royal blue dress and returned to her position in front of the mirror, "Are you going somewhere?"

"Jack's invited me to an auction. What do you wear to an auction, Maya?" Riley questioned, adding the dress to the pile on her bed.

"The closest I've ever been to an auction is when your mother starts a bidding war for the last piece of cheesecake," Maya snorted, as Riley selected a flowing skirt and started rifling through her clothes for a shirt to match it.

"I just feel completely out of my league. He takes me to all of these nice places and ninety-percent of my clothes are from thrift stores," Riley sighed, frowning as she held up the clothes for Maya to inspect.

"I might have something," Maya admitted, moving over to her section of the closet and pulling out a garment bag. She unzipped the plastic and pulled out a teal, knee-length dress with beaded sleeves that Rebecca had given her when they were campaigning.

"Where did you get that?" Riley questioned.

"It was a gift, but it's not my style at all. You should wear it," Maya suggested, as Riley fingered the fabric.

"Maya, it looks expensive," Riley protested, withdrawing her fingers.

"It's not a big deal, Riles. You should try it on," Maya suggested, handing Riley the hanger.

"Are you sure?" Riley asked, her uncertainty written all over her face.

"Positive," Maya promised, before Riley disappeared into the bathroom to change.

Maya waited patiently before Riley hesitantly made her way back into the room. The dress hit Riley several inches above the knee and it hung a little loose in some areas, but Maya couldn't deny that the color looked stunning against Riley's skin tone.

"You look beautiful," Maya assured her, as Riley spun in front of the mirror.

"Do you think I should put my hair up?" Riley questioned, piling it on top of her head with one hand.

"No, I think you should leave it down and curl it, and you should wear the laser-cut white pumps that you wore to Junior Prom. The ones with the floral design," Maya suggested, moving over to the closet to dig the heels out. Maya found the shoes at the back of Riley's shoe rack and handed them to the brunette.

"I've missed this," Riley admitted, as she stepped into the shoes and Maya joined her in front of the mirror, "It's been awhile since we've helped each other get ready."

"I've missed it, too," Maya agreed. The moment reminds her a little of when Olivia was helping her get ready and she immediately feels guilty, though whether it's because of the time she's spent with her sister instead of Riley or the way things ended with her sister, she's not sure.

* * *

"I'm Maya and I'm an Oxycodone addict," Maya introduces herself, "And I've been sober for a little over a year, now."

She plants herself back into the silver, metal chair, as the rest of the fifteen or so people in the room offer a mumbled greeting.

She goes to lots of NA meetings, but makes a point of not talking. It feels too personal to open up about her weaknesses and problems. She'd done it in therapy because she had to, but she'd had a hard time opening up to the people.

She'd talked to Josh about some of her problems and he'd been good to listen, but she knew that he didn't really understand how she'd gotten so sucked into her addiction. He'd done his fair share of partying in his earlier college years, but it hadn't ever been something that he needed. It had, at least, been easier than talking to Riley who was so anti-drugs and alcohol that she couldn't even began to try and understand.

But, Josh was gone now and she was coming to realize that she only had herself to blame for the loneliness that was settling in. She'd neglected her friendship with Riley and deliberately kept things from her and she'd started ignoring Lucas. She knows her mother would listen, but she's been so happy and the idea of imposing her own angst onto anyone else, feels wrong, somehow. And she's, already, caused enough damage to the people she loves to last a lifetime.

She listens, passively, to the others sharing their stories. They'd welcomed her easily into the group, but she's one of the youngest. She knows that there's a teen chapter, but she'd decided early on that it wasn't for her. It had taken one visit of looking at broken teenagers, who were forced there because of a court order or because of their parents, for her to feel like she was headed back down the destructive spiral. She needed success stories and, for the most part, she'd found them here.

She doesn't stick around for the apple juice and cookies, but instead heads out of the church basement where they meet. She's just making her way down the concrete steps, when she hears a voice calling her name.

"Maya?" the voice repeats and Maya turns around in time to catch the woman descending the steps behind her. She has an unearthly grace that Maya guesses must come from her years of musical theater.

"Danielle," Maya offered, in surprise. The last place she'd expected to find her was at an NA meeting, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm singing in the church choir, we had practice," she replied.

"You're kidding?" Maya asked, remembering how Kermit had once told Danielle that church choirs were beneath her.

"No, I don't sing professionally, anymore, but I can't imagine giving it up entirely. I tried to get Liv to do it with me, but she's so busy with her own rehearsals," Danielle explained, her eyes shifting around, as she seemed to realize how uncomfortable this conversation was supposed to be.

Maya was surprised by how comfortable it actually was. She'd read those letters and she felt like she knew or at least understood the woman standing in front of her. She'd read through her personal struggles and her mistakes.

She would have expected Danielle to be as upset as Olivia, but she doesn't seem upset to see Maya.

"I got your letters," Maya offered, wondering if anyone had ever bothered to inform Danielle of what her daughter had been up to.

"I don't think I was ever going to send them, but I do believe that you deserved the whole story. You, at least, deserved to know that your father was a mess long before you and nothing you or your mother could do was going to fix that. I didn't fix it and I've dedicated my entire life to the cause," Danielle let out a humorless laugh.

"I'm glad that I got the chance to read them, although Olivia might disagree," Maya offered.

"There were plenty of things that I couldn't protect my daughters from. But, I didn't think they should have to carry this particular burden. I figured that I could carry it for all of us, although, if there's one good thing that's come out of all of this, I'm glad that she got the chance to meet you," Danielle replied.

She remembered the look on Olivia face as she'd clutched Danielle's letters to her chest before darting down the hall and she couldn't help wondering if maybe Dani was wrong. Maybe, it would have been better if Olivia had never met her.

"Is Kermit still….gone?" Maya asked, unsure how to phrase the question, "Olivia stopped by a couple of weeks ago, and said that he hadn't come home."

"Olivia has a lot of hope for people. She gets this vision in her head of how things are supposed to be and she doesn't always see things the way that they are. She thought that Kermit retiring and our family moving here was going to change things, but Kermit's still an addict. And he's been planning a slip for, awhile. I was shocked when he didn't, after the baby, but I needed him to be there, so he was. Now, I'm dealing and he's back to fighting his own demons."

"And you're okay with your husband just taking off?" Maya questioned, surprised at the ease of how she talked about it.

"No, I'm not okay with it. It kills me every single time, but I married an addict. He's constantly fighting it and sometimes his inner demons win," she replied, "I would imagine that you know a thing or two about that."

"And you just wait around for him to come back?" Maya pressed, trying to process Dani's version of reality. A reality where she accepted that her husband disappearing was a way of life.

"We have an agreement. He gets six months to get sober and come back or I leave him," Dani answered.

"That just doesn't seem like much of a way to live your life," Maya admitted.

"A lot of people look at his addiction and see the weakness. They look at the number of times that he's fallen and the number of times that he let me down, but statistically he should have died in a ditch a long time ago. He loves me enough that even in the grips of being high, he can still think of me enough to send me a postcard. He loves me enough to fight to get sober, every time he falls. I don't know what kind of strength that takes, but I know that's the kind of love that I will never find anywhere else. So, I make sure that he knows that he still has something to fight for."

"Even when it's killing your daughters?" Maya asked, surprised by the fierce way Dani could defend him.

"I was faced with the decision of whether it was better for them to have a part-time father or no father. I suppose you can tell me whether I chose, right," she suggested, looking up at the sky, as snowflakes started drifting through the air.

 _Dear Maya,_

 _This is the last letter that I'll ever write to you. When I started, you were an abstract concept that I knew was out there. I knew your mother was pregnant with Kermit's baby, I watched her stomach grow right along the happiness between your parents. And, then, I did the hardest thing that I've ever done and I walked away. I didn't want my own misery to mar even a second of your happiness._

 _I started out with good intentions, but you know what they say about those._

 _If you want the story of Katy and Kermit, you're going to have to ask your mother. I've gotten bits and pieces over the years, but I've done my best to block out those months before your conception._

 _Kermit went back to LA, but he would spend hours talking to your mother on the phone. She started talking about moving out there to pursue a different line of acting and I did my best to spend as little time around her as possible._

 _His second hit song was written about your mother. It came out several months after their initial meeting and I had the hardest time trying to escape it. It was played in stores, everywhere, and hummed at the bookstore where I worked. Your mother had it on a constant loop at the apartment. I was going out of my mind._

 _The next time I talked to Kermit was entirely accidental. I should have known better than to answer my own phone._

 _"Hello?" My hands were full of groceries and my bag for school, but I'd still managed to grab the phone before the final ring. I set the groceries on the counter and let my bag fall to the ground._

 _"Dani?" he breathed my name and I could tell that he hadn't expected to hear from me._

 _"Katy doesn't get off work for another half-hour," I offered, pressing my back into the counter, until it hurt. It was a pleasant distraction from the pain coming from the organs in my chest._

 _"How are you?" he asked and I closed my eyes, as I resisted the urge to just hang up on him._

 _Logically, I knew that he must have figured out that I was Katy's roommate, but another, slightly vindictive, part of me was shocked that he even remembered I existed._

 _"I'm doing great. Would you like me to take a message?" I suggested, looking for any way out of this conversation._

 _"I'm coming out in a couple of weeks," he informed me, "Just bought my ticket."_

 _"I'm sure Katy will be excited," I was pretty sure this was what dying must like and there was nothing calm or peaceful about it._

 _"I feel like I owe you an explanation," he admitted._

 _"I don't want it, Kermit. I don't want anything from you," I replied, before hanging up on him. In retrospect, it was a little dramatic, but that might be why I did so well in my career._

 _I spent as little time as possible at the apartment, while your father was in town. I took extra shifts at the book store and stayed late practicing at school. I'd come a good way from the girl who had tried out for a high school play in her hometown, but I didn't have any idea where I was going. All of my opportunities had mostly fallen into my lap and it had been awhile since I'd had to go out and fight for anything._

 _I was in my last year of school and I felt completely lost when it came to life._

 _"Dani, is that you?" Katy called out from the kitchen, as I opened the door. I'd finished my classes for the day and was planning on hiding in my room for the rest of the night._

 _"Yeah," I replied, hoping that I could avoid having any kind of conversation._

 _"Do you have a second to talk?" she continued and I groaned before setting down my bag and entering the kitchen._

 _She had several pots going on the stove and I could smell garlic radiating from the oven. She had an apron wrapped around her waist and under it was a dress that was far too nice for a causal evening at home._

 _"You didn't mention that you were having company," I offered, leaning against the counter, as she whisked something on the stove._

 _"I haven't seen you at all the last couple of weeks," the words sounded a lot like an accusation._

 _"Things have been busy," I replied, staring at a crack in the tile._

 _"We haven't had a chance to really talk about Kermit," Katy offered, burying her hands in her apron pockets._

 _"What about him?"_

 _"I thought that it was Chris that you were going to see that night, but it wasn't, was it?" Katy pressed, biting her lip._

 _"I don't really think it matters, now," I pointed out, feeling as though I couldn't quite get enough air into my lungs._

 _"I think it does," Katy disagreed._

 _"Katy, he came all of this way to see you, not me," I reminded her, trying not to show the hurt I felt that I could drop everything in my life for him, but he'd never returned the favor for me._

 _"So, there's nothing going on between the two of you?" she clarified, the uncertainty echoing in her voice._

 _"It's a little late to be asking me that question, now, don't you think?" I pointed out, resisting the urge to laugh at the absurdity of her accusation._

 _"You could have said something the night that I met him, you should have said something," Katy's voice radiating accusations._

 _"Would it have changed anything? The two of you couldn't keep your eyes off of each other," I reminded her, trying not to relive the memory._

 _"You're my best friend," Katy informed me, her voice breaking, "And I've never wanted anything to come between us."_

 _"It won't," I promised, although I wonder now if I really meant it. Sometimes, I think the damage was already done._

 _I got out of the apartment before Kermit got there and spent most of the night wandering the city. I didn't have the money, but I ended up getting a room at a hotel and lying in bed staring up at the ceiling. You can't lose something that you never really had, but it felt like a loss all the same._

 _Things went back to normal after Kermit left. At least, I thought they did. Katy and I didn't talk about him, but the phone calls continued, usually whispered, though the sound would carry through the apartment._

 _I really believe that they loved each other. Katy's the closest anyone's ever really come to taming him._

 _I remember the morning I discovered that you had come to into existence with clear and vivid detail. I found your mother throwing up in the bathroom and she looked up at me with these wide eyes that somehow said everything._

 _"You're pregnant," It wasn't a question or an accusation, it was a statement of fact that somehow felt like a door being slammed in my face._

 _"I don't know how this happened," Katy admitted, wiping her mouth with a towel and pleading with me to understand, "We were careful."_

 _"Does he know?" I asked, leaning against the doorjamb, as I looked to the nearest thing that might be able to keep me upright._

 _"No, I don't know how to tell him. He's supposed to be going on tour," Katy rambled, her hands shaking with her emotions._

 _I think she wanted me to tell her that everything would be fine. I know that the right thing to do would have been to offer her reassurances and encourage her to call Kermit, but that isn't what I did. I closed the door to the bathroom and walked away._

 _Several weeks passed and Katy continued pretending that nothing had happened. She stopped answering the phone and sometimes it would ring through the apartment for hours. We didn't talk much and I felt as if I was living my life in a trance or maybe possessed. I was doing all the things that I was supposed to, but I wasn't there._

 _One night, your mother was out and the phone started ringing. It wasn't anything new, but I knew that things couldn't continue as they had been._

 _I answered and your father's voice started talking before he even knew it was me, "Katy? Katy, I don't know what I've done or what you've seen that's upset you, but I just need you to give me a chance to explain. I'm going crazy without you and I miss you."_

 _"I think you'd better fly out here," I cut him off before he could continue._

 _The line went deadly silent for a moment and I could hear the sound of my own heart beating._

 _"Dani?" his voice was breathless and low._

 _"She needs to see you," I informed him, before hanging up the phone._

 _I walked into the apartment a week later and your father was sitting on the couch. It was the strangest thing seeing him in a place where I'd sat holding so many of his postcards and wondering what he was doing._

 _"Katy's getting ready, we're going out," he informed me, when I froze in the entryway, unable to move._

 _"Oh," was the only thing I could manage to get through my throat._

 _Katy entered the room, then, her expanding stomach on full display in a shirt that was quickly becoming too small for her._

 _"Dani," her voice was small, as she looked between the two of us with concern._

 _"Have fun," I suggested, entering my room and closing the door behind me._

 _I packed my bags the day that I graduated and left the apartment never to return. I left a note for your mother, wishing her all the best. I've since learned that Kermit ended up moving in with her, shortly after. You're the only person that Kermit's ever been willing to give up his music for. I know it didn't last, but I still think that it counts for something._

 _The band went on tour without him, but I don't think that it did well. They disbanded shortly after and all went their own ways._

 _I moved back home to Nevada and started doing the casino show circuit. I dated a little bit, but I struggled with committing to anyone._

 _I received an announcement when you were born and when your parents got married. They were addressed to me and sent to my parents' house. And I really thought that I would never see Katy or Kermit again._

 _It was a year after you were born that Kermit showed up at one of my shows. I had finally gotten to a place where I was opening for a much bigger singer and I thought that maybe my career might go somewhere._

 _I could pick his face out of a crowd of thousands and I nearly lost my place in the song that I was singing when I felt his eyes on my skin._

 _"What are you doing here?" I snapped, when I found him waiting outside of my dressing room._

 _"I don't know," he admitted, his voice tired._

 _"You came an awfully long way to not know what you were doing," I pointed out, leaving the door open, as I shrugged a jacket over my sequined dress and grabbed my purse off the floor._

 _"We named her Maya Penelope," he informed me._

 _"I got the announcement," I reminded him, shoving my bag over my shoulder and brushing passed him on my way out._

 _"I love her and I love Katy," he continued, following me, as though I hadn't been brushing him off from the moment that I saw him._

 _"You didn't come all the way here to tell me that?"_

 _"I just needed to know that you were happy," he admitted, "I needed to know that things worked out for you."_

 _"You don't get to check up on me, Kermit. You chose your life and I've done everything in my power to make sure that I'm not a part of it. Go home, we're not friends and we never will be," I snapped, before opening the door into the main casino and leaving him behind._

 _It shouldn't have gone any further than that. We should have let each other go, but we've been a pattern in each other's lives for so long that it all just became horribly tangled._

 _There were a number of things that played into our affair. Your parents were fighting because Kermit wasn't suited for a normal life and your mother was stressed out about trying to care for you. I think she'd thought that, somehow, she'd have you and it would change everything for Kermit and her. Kermit would stop wanting to wander and she'd be content with the life that she had, and it might have been that way for a while._

 _But, somewhere along the way, Katy went back to wanting to be a Broadway star and Kermit started missing the road. They let the resentment of what they could have had start to eat away at their relationship and Kermit's postcards started up again._

 _I never sent anything back, but I couldn't bring myself to throw them away, either._

 _Then, I got asked to audition for a new musical. I was a huge fan of the composer and the story was something meaningful. I missed being on stage and pretending to be someone who I wasn't. The only catch was that it was going to start its run in New York, with eventual plans to tour, if the show did well._

 _I couldn't turn down the opportunity and I got my first main role, post school. It was a huge deal, but it sent me straight back into the city that I'd run away from._

 _I avoided Kermit for months after moving back, but he was there opening night. He sent flowers to my dressing room and I couldn't deny that I'd missed him. I took him out to breakfast to thank him and it quickly went from a one-time thing to a habit._

 _I deluded myself into thinking that we could just be friends._

 _"You never gave me the chance to explain what happened with Katy," Kermit informed me over breakfast one day. We'd found this out of the way diner to go to that was far away from where your family was living at the time._

 _I couldn't bring myself to see Katy again and I didn't want to meet you. It was easier that way, although, now I wish that I would have. I think it might have helped cement the realities of our situations._

 _"I know what happened with Katy," I snorted, leaning back in my seat as I picked at a croissant._

 _"The night at the concert, I mean," he corrected himself._

 _"It was love at first sight, very romantic," I shrugged, wondering why he had chosen to bring it up. Most of the time, we sat around talking about our misspent youth and, "The good old days."_

 _"It wasn't love at first sight," he informed me, his gaze focused intently on me, as I did everything in my power to avoid it, "I saw Chris hug you and I knew that the two of you talked."_

 _"Not that much," I interrupted him._

 _"I'd been building up the moment that I would see you again in my head for so long that watching you hug him and thinking that maybe you'd just come for him, it broke my heart. So, I let you believe that I'd been captivated by Katy."_

 _"Why are you telling me this?" I demanded, finally looking up at him, "You married her and if she ever knew that you were using her that first time that you met, it would break her heart."_

 _"It started out as me trying to get back at you, but then we spent all night just talking and I fell in love with her. It was easy to be with her, but, now, she has all of these expectations. I don't think that I've ever really been what she wants," he confessed, his eyes pleading with me to understand._

 _"I don't know what you expect me to do about that," I offered, my appetite completely gone, "Katy was a good friend to me and you have a daughter, Kermit. You have to stop looking for something better and just be happy with what you have."_

 _I walked away from the diner that day and I knew that I couldn't go back. I didn't want to be the other woman in your father's life. I didn't want to be the person who tore apart a family._

 _I started dating another actor, which turned out to be a big mistake. I learned that the hard way when he broke my arm in two places and my understudy had to take over in the show._

 _I'd kept in contact with Chris over the years. He was playing backup for a singer and he seemed to enjoy being out of the spotlight, but still being able to do what he loved. Things had become rocky with my parents after my Vegas show circuit and I'd ended up making Chris my emergency contact._

 _They called him when I ended up in the hospital with my broken arm, a concussion, and a lot of bruises. He called Kermit because he knew that your father could get there faster. I'd checked myself out of the hospital and holed up in my apartment by the time that he found me._

 _"I heard that you checked yourself out, against medical advice," he informed me, casually, letting himself into my apartment, as though it were a completely normal occurrence._

 _"I didn't give you a key," I pointed out, from where I'd been drinking away my problems at the kitchen table._

 _"You, also, didn't lock your door," he returned, "And I know that you're not supposed to be mixing alcohol with pain meds."_

 _"You would know, wouldn't you?" I snorted, laughing at my own joke._

 _"Dani, what are you doing? This isn't you," he sighed, rubbing his eyes, before crossing the room and sinking down in the chair across from me._

 _"My career is over. My contract was contingent upon my physical appearance and I would say that this black-eye is a direct breech, not to mention my arm, which could take up to six months to heal. I'm going to be back singing happy hour in bars across Nevada, while my parents dodge questions from their friends about whether I've thrown my life away. This is the end of the line for me."_

 _"There will be other shows," he offered, gently taking the glass from my hand and sliding it out of my reach._

 _"What shows, Kermit? Do you know how many rejections I got before this show came along? I'm not young enough, I need to lose fifteen pounds, they're looking for a blonde. You made me believe that I was something special and it's taken me years of people telling me that I'm not good enough, my parents giving me these looks of disappointment, and my boyfriend turning me into his own personal punching bag, for me to realize that you were wrong. I've never been anything special, Kermit, I'm just a quiet girl who should have stayed in the back of the class and gone into banking. You ruined me."_

 _"Are you done?" he asked, his voice dark._

 _"Yes, I'm done," I snapped, glaring at him, "Clearly, I'm done."_

 _"I've ruined a lot of things, Dani, but you're not one of them. I've done everything in my power to keep my own darkness from touching you, but you've decided to let your own darkness in and I had nothing to do with that. I don't care if your parents are disappointed in you and if the idiot that did this to you ever comes around here again, he won't be walking away, but_ I know you _, Danielle. I don't care what anyone else has told you and you don't, either. When you're on that stage, no one can look away from you because you're the most stunning, beautiful, incredible,_ alive _, thing in the entire room. And no one who has seen you in that moment, could ever think that you weren't good enough. You're everything."_

 _"You should go," I sighed, rising from the table and wincing as the movement pulled at my arm._

 _"I'm not leaving you like this," he argued, rising and blocking my way._

 _"Well, you can't stay here," I snapped._

 _"Why not?"_

 _"Because I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since I was a stupid teenager and now I'm a lot smarter and I should know better, but it's too late. I will love you until the day that I die and it is killing me to have you so close and to know that it doesn't matter. Because you picked Katy and she gave you a daughter and we both know that I can never compete with that. And I don't know how you can tell me that I'm enough, when you've always chosen everything else over me."_

 _I was crying by the time that I finished and he reached out and pulled me into his arms. It was the first time that I had really felt safe in a very long time and my undamaged arm immediately bunched itself into his shirt as I breathed him in._

 _"Can't you see that it's always been me that will never be good enough for you?" he whispered into my hair._

 _"It doesn't matter, we lost our chance a long time ago," I pulled away, taking a step back from him._

 _If I'd looked up I would have seen the intention in his eyes, but instead I just saw his shoes, as he closed the distance between us once again. His hand reached out to tilt my face up and he moved just slowly enough to give me a chance to back away._

 _I didn't._

 _His lips met mine and it wasn't long before neither of us were thinking about the consequences of our actions. Most of my moments with Kermit seem to get out of control, probably because we're both aware of how little time we have and every second feels stolen._

 _Chris got into town the next morning and I was horrified with what I had done. I packed a bag of my things and spent hours falling apart in Chris's hotel room. In the end, Chris talked me into coming back to LA with him and he went back to my apartment to get the rest of my belongings._

 _I don't know what happened between Chris and Kermit, but I know that Chris's knuckles were bruised when he got back and that their relationship has never been the same, since then. Chris made sure that there was no chance that Kermit would follow us and he got me out of the city._

 _I found out I was pregnant at my next doctor's appointment. I know that it probably should have been seen as some kind of cosmic punishment for my actions, but it felt a lot more like a parting gift. It was the one thing of Kermit's that I could keep with me, while I let him return to you._

 _Obviously, things didn't end there, but that's another story. And, my intent, in these letters was to explain my own impact on what happened with your family._

 _I don't know if Kermit left you for me. He didn't know about Olivia and I get the feeling that he'd spent some time on his own before he managed to track me down. I imagine that you know more about the events leading up to his decision to leave, then I ever will._

 _I don't know if I'm a good person. You probably would argue that I'm not because I have two beautiful children and a husband that I love enough to stand by through drug use and lies and what felt like, at times, endless misery. And, I paid for that love; for those brief moments of joy that kept me going, with your family. And you'll never know how sorry I am for that._

 _But, whatever regrets I have, I think I'd probably do it all over again. However messily, destructively, passionately and brokenly; I can say that I lived and I loved in an all-consuming way that has burned me to ash. But that is the true price we pay to become artists. I could have had simple, but I picked Kermit. And I've picked him every day since then._

 _I hope you're normal, Maya, but, if you have the same passion that's cursed the rest of us, then maybe you can begin to understand._

 _-Dani_

"Dani?" Maya called and Danielle spun around to face her again, "I forgive you."

"Thank you," she whispered, tears filling her eyes.

Maya watched as her figure grew and smaller and smaller as she headed up the street. She looked a lot like a ghost of Maya's past, finally starting to fade.

* * *

 **First of all, I'm going to apologize for how long it has taken me to update. I've been piecing together moments from this chapter since I posted the last one, but my life has been crazy busy (I'm in my last few semesters of pre-reqs before I start a nursing program and I'm in those classes where the teachers are trying to weed out the weak). My tentative plan is to update one story a week, rotating between this one and LOT, but school has to come first. Just know that I'm incredibly proud of my stories and they're always in the back of my mind. They will be finished and I hope you'll stick with me through the rest of the ride.**

 **Second, I feel like I should say something about the show ending. Obviously, I would love for it to be picked up by another network and to see them able to introduce some mature storylines. I read somewhere that the creators were considering a huge time jump if the show gets picked up, which I think could be really cool if they did it right. Hopefully, we'll get some news soon. However, even if the show really is done, I intend to keep writing as long as there are people who will keep reading. I've written other fanfictions in the past, but I don't think I've ever gotten as consumed in the writing as I have working on my stories for GMW and I'm incredibly grateful for the all of the support that I've received. I hope that we're able to keep these amazing characters alive for a long time.**

 **Thanks for reading! I apologize for any mistakes that are in this chapter. Parts of it, I spent a ton of time editing and other parts, haven't gotten as much time because I really wanted to get it up. I would love it if you would leave me a review!**


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